smackie9 Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 11 minutes ago, sothereiwas said: So going dutch should preclude a guy from expecting sex? I'm not sure that's a signal we want to be sending but up to you I guess. It was a very casual date, no hand holding, not flirting, no dressing up...we just went out to get to know one another....no different than a coffee date. Now ask the women what their reaction would be if this guy was expecting sex after the op's coffee date. You would have a firing squad on your hands. Link to post Share on other sites
smackie9 Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 15 minutes ago, Gaeta said: It's not about who pays, it's about the courtesy. Not only he didn't wait for her to order his coffee but he was also stuffing his face in a cake. I know how it feels, it's like the guy doesn't even care if you show up or not. Yes this was very rude...makes me wonder if he intentionally did this to turn her off. I don't know of anyone that would do such a thing...unless he's pretty dense. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 2 minutes ago, smackie9 said: It was a very casual date, no hand holding, not flirting, no dressing up...we just went out to get to know one another. Still not seeing how his paying or not should weigh into whether sex was on the table or not. If you can clear that up I'd appreciate it. Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 1 minute ago, sothereiwas said: Still not seeing how his paying or not should weigh into whether sex was on the table or not. If you can clear that up I'd appreciate it. Because the thinking goes that if the man pays he's more likely to expect "something" in return. Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 (edited) The only women that would be offended by a guy offering to pay for her stuff would have to be a radical feminist types that bust balls for a living lol if that’s the type of woman you’re screening for than yeah, don’t offer. Most other women would not be offended and would look on it favorably. Some women would be offended if you don’t, case in point. So it’s a better bet to offer Edited February 25, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 6 hours ago, miss2017 said: It's NOT about the paying! You may want to change the title of your thread, in that case... Really not sure why there needs to be a 'villain' and a 'victim' in that situation, tbh 🤷♀️ You still just are 2 strangers who went for coffee, and it didn't work out. That's it. 4 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Miss Spider Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 (edited) Then* Edited February 25, 2020 by Cookiesandough 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 21 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: The only women that would be offended by a guy offering to pay for her stuff would have to be a radical feminist types That's true, but while I'm not saying it's the case, it seems possible that not ponying up for a first date might cause a good slice of the ones who are looking for a series of free meals and entertainment to filter themselves out. I don't think that's the case here, to me it seems like the guy was already running late, probably had a pretty full day ahead, and just didn't have time to wait an undetermined amount of time to have his coffee break. Simple, and no one has to be the bad guy here. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 1 minute ago, sothereiwas said: .... Simple, and no one has to be the bad guy here. What? It’s an internet dating forum, someone needs to be the bad guy or gal. Judgement must be rendered, no matter what. 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 In general I don't want anyone paying for my coffee. With my husband early on we decided to have a third wallet where we'd put each the same amount of money every week or so and pay everything from that wallet (may it be food, coffee, tickets etc). I don't consider myself anything special that a man has to pay for my company and at the same time I value myself a lot not to allow anyone to think that he "owns" me or that I owe him anything just because he paid for my coffee. In the OP's case it's a little tricky situation. I imagine this guy went into the coffee shop and the cashier asked him what he wanted so he couldn't have said "nothing yet, I'm waiting for someone". He might have thought, ok, I'll take what I want and when she comes she will get what she wants. Maybe he was thinking she would enter from second to second. When she didnt come until the coffee and cake were ready, he had no other option than to go and find a table to sit and so he did. When she arrived he could have asked her if she wanted anything to drink and he could have offered to go get it (and pay) for her. The question is, did he want to do that? Or did he want to see how they would get along to allow himself to treat her as a possible girlfriend? We as women think only about our point of view, but a man could very well think like "I'll treat her as a stranger for now until I feel there is potential there and then I'll start to treat her as something more". I'm wondering the following: If he had asked her "hey you want something to drink?" and she would have said "yes I'd like a coffee", he would stand up to go get the coffee, would the OP have offered to give him some money then? I mean, would she be content with the gesture he did to stand up and go get her coffee or did she want him also to actually PAY for the coffee? I think relationships are too complicated as they are and I want always to eliminate the money subject from the equation. 1 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 54 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: Because the thinking goes that if the man pays he's more likely to expect "something" in return. Whose thinking would that be? If that's the way it works I'd want an itemized bill so I can know how much I'm paying for what. Also, we have a word for that, and it's illegal in most states. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 13 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: In the OP's case it's a little tricky situation. I imagine this guy went into the coffee shop and the cashier asked him what he wanted so he couldn't have said "nothing yet, I'm waiting for someone". Why he could not have said that? I said that many times to cashiers and waitresses when I went on 1st dates. People do wait for each other, people working in coffee shops and restaurants see that every day. Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: Why he could not have said that? He was already running late, maybe he was really pressed for time. Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 @SummerDreams I refrained from the whole waiting or not scenario. A lot of practical factors where I live as to why invariably the first to arrive gets a table...and likely drink. Tables in coffee places where I live are prime real estate, if one opens up you grab it. It’s also actually considered rude to grab a table in a coffee place if you are not having coffee, and I guess if your black in some places a reason to call the police. In addition, if a woman is more than about 10 min late or running late/getting there when she can. I’ll grab a spot and likely drink if thirsty. I don’t consider it rude she can’t make it on time unless she believes I should just sit on my hands, as she is not wasting my time by trying to control my time. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 Just now, Gaeta said: Why he could not have said that? I said that many times to cashiers and waitresses when I went on 1st dates. People do wait for each other, people working in coffee shops and restaurants see that every day. Maybe the cashier would think that he was avoiding ordering something and he wanted to just sit in the coffee shop having ordered nothing. There are some people who do that (in my country) so waiters and cashiers are suspicious about that. They say "I'm waiting for company", they drink some water sitting at a table, sit there for like 20 mins, they use the wifi and/or the bathroom and they just leave acting like their date never showed up. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 5 minutes ago, sothereiwas said: Whose thinking would that be? If that's the way it works I'd want an itemized bill so I can know how much I'm paying for what. Also, we have a word for that, and it's illegal in most states. Well not mine by any stretch. But I have heard of women saying they insist on dutch if they don't like the guy for this reason - they don't want him to be "put out." But I think at this point you're just enjoying playing devil's advocate. ) 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 3 minutes ago, sothereiwas said: He was already running late, maybe he was really pressed for time. Pressed for time?? Well then if he was so pressed for time and couldn't be bothered why schedule a date for then? Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 1 minute ago, SummerDreams said: Maybe the cashier would think that he was avoiding ordering something and he wanted to just sit in the coffee shop having ordered nothing. There are some people who do that (in my country) so waiters and cashiers are suspicious about that. They say "I'm waiting for company", they drink some water sitting at a table, sit there for like 20 mins, they use the wifi and/or the bathroom and they just leave acting like their date never showed up. That is considered very rude and not coffee place etiquette where I live. Tables are for patrons. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 (edited) 4 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: they drink some water sitting at a table, sit there for like 20 mins, they use the wifi and/or the bathroom and they just leave acting like their date never showed up. Yes that does happen, I see that happening with college and Uni students, they use up all the space for hours while zipping on the same coffee. In my case, I was 45 years old when I dated and no one would have mistaken me for a student or a homeless person. Edited February 25, 2020 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
SumGuy Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 Where I live it’s rarely the young who hog a table without coffee. Usually a person who has made the place an office, the woman reading a book, or the woman with her phone waiting for friends who take 20 min to arrive (while holding that 4 person table). Usually half or more of the tables are taken by people who are not having coffee. Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 7 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: Pressed for time?? Well then if he was so pressed for time and couldn't be bothered why schedule a date for then? He probably didn't know he'd be running late when he planned his day or he would have set the date for the time when he actually showed up, I bet. Here's what could have happened. She could have showed up on time, and when he texted she could have offered to get his stuff and her stuff and could have helped expedite and facilitate him getting his day back on track. THAT would be a woman I'd remember and be extremely impressed with. Not required for her to do that of course, but I don't think this guy has to be a villain here either. Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 He's not a villain, but nobody I'd date due to lack of care for his date. My husband's courtesy and care for me on our first date really made him stand out head and shoulders over the rest, and he's carried that sweet nature into our marriage. He's never neglectful such I suspect a lot of men get once they're comfortable. Especially if they can't be bothered on the first date due to "lack of time" lol. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 5 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: He's never neglectful such I suspect a lot of men get once they're comfortable. What makes you suspect this? Link to post Share on other sites
Allupinnit Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 2 minutes ago, sothereiwas said: What makes you suspect this? Personal experience. 😉 Link to post Share on other sites
preraph Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 (edited) Seriously I am all for men revealing who they really are on that first meet up so they don't waste women's time dating someone who's rude and invites them to something and then doesn't pay for it and has such a chip on their shoulder that they won't even pay for a cup of coffee. He invited her, not the other way around. Perhaps if he wanted her to pay he should have brought that up when he invited her and said, Look, I want to meet you but I only date women who pay their own way. If she had invited him in the same scenario I would say the same thing. Ladies next time you invite a man over for dinner, present him with the receipt for the groceries and ask him to pay half. Let's see how well that goes. Edited February 25, 2020 by preraph 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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