He asked me for a coffee date but then didn't pay for the coffee?

[miss2017]

7 hours ago, strawberryshortstack said:

I don't think that he didn't pay for your coffee is the important thing here. I've gone on many a coffee date and paid for my own coffee. Coffee dates aren't technically dates in my eyes, they're just a meetup to see if there's enough there to warrant a real date. HOWEVER...the fact that he could not wait 2 minutes for you to arrive before ordering and finding a table is the real issue here. That is inconsiderate to me, and that alone would be enough for there to not be a second "date".

I agree. And part of that " Coffee dates aren't technically dates in my eyes, they're just a meetup to see if there's enough there to warrant a real date", is to see how he behaves and shows how he is, so it includes asking what I want to drink and get a drink for me.

I like people who are NICE regardless of what others can give them.

Anyway I felt he was distant and got a wall up between us. Didn't feel at all he was ready for a relationship.

[miss2017]

6 hours ago, some_username1 said:

OP’s talking in absolutes reminds me of a 5 year old in a princess outfit stamping her foot. “He should have bought me a coffee, he should have waited for me!”

As the opinions expressed on this thread attest there are many ways to go on a date and there is no right or wrong way to behave only the way we would appreciate our date to behave. I do wonder at the amount of great connections that have been lost due to a magnifying of something slight on a first date. I am pretty sure some girls might think I was tight or not chivalrous, but my attitude is if a girl Willingly splits the bill with me on the first date then I’ll take her for a very expensive meal on the second. But she won’t get to see the generous side of me if she is so quick to dismiss me because I like to share the cost of rounds of drinks on the first date. And that.’s fine, it’s a compatibility filter for us both rather than absolute rights and wrongs.

And as always, I wonder if OP’s convictions pass the “Hollywood” test: would a woman be so quick to write off a man of high status and worth (like a hollywood actor) if she had to buy her own coffee on the first date? Or would she hang in there hoping he would “loosen up” because his overall value as a potential mate is worth more than her arbitrary principles? Many of course would immediately say they are not so easily bought but I suspect that’s one of those things that’s easy to say on the internet but harder to do in practice when you’ve got Chris Hemsworth sat opposite you blithely unaware you are waiting for him to buy you a coffee

You have absolutely no idea of how a real woman works.

You see it as being a princess, but in fact a real woman knows what she wants and doesn't settle for less. That my friend, is being a QUEEN, not a princess.

I couldn't care less about seeing the generous side of you if you were rude in a first date. I've got my own money and can pay an expensive meal on my own, I don't need your generosity. What I need though is your manners and politeness on a first date. So you would be the one losing out in the end.

Again, couldn't care less if the guy sitting next to me is a hollywood actor or the guy who empties the bins outside. I care about a real, caring man with manners, and that's it.

I wonder myself how many wonderful women you lost on a first date because of your mindset. Good luck.

Edited February 25, 2020 by miss2017

[miss2017]

5 hours ago, MsJayne said:

But why can't she get her own coffee? Is she destitute? Is she in a wheel chair? Is she trapped in a Mills & Boon novel waiting for a man to bring her coffee so she can decide whether to let him rip her bodice open? Women who expect to be treated as equals but then act like a damsel in distress when men do treat them as equals need a reality check.  Until you're actually involved in a romance with a guy, especially on a first meet from a date site, you have no right to 'expect' him to treat you to anything other than his company.  For all she knows maybe he does this deliberately to sift out the gold diggers and princesses. Looks like it's working. 

A guy who doesn't pay for a coffee on a first date in order to sift out the gold diggers and princesses, it's an absolute loser to say the least. 

Yes I have the right to expect him to treat me to a coffee and get up and get it for me, because guess what, HE INVITED ME . Maybe if I wanted to eat lobster and drink champagne after the coffee he wouldn't have to get that for me because he didn't invite me to that, but he did invite me to a coffee. So, go get the coffee. Simple.

Anyway I won't be seeing him again.

Edited February 25, 2020 by miss2017

[JTSW]

12 hours ago, miss2017 said:

I feel this guy is either a guy with feminine energy too or just rude.

This is a bit harsh. 

Did it ever occur to you that he might just be new to dating?

You say he has a daughter which tells me that he was likely in a long term relationship and hasn't dated in a long time.

This just sounds like it's all new to him.

[JTSW]

Just now, miss2017 said:

A guy who doesn't pay for a coffee on a first date in order to sift out the gold diggers and princesses, it's an absolute loser to say the least. 

You are the rude one is all this.

You are so mean about him and he was kind to you when you were together.

Throwing a hissy fit over a coffee just screams entitled. 

[miss2017]

18 minutes ago, JTSW said:

This is a bit harsh. 

Did it ever occur to you that he might just be new to dating?

You say he has a daughter which tells me that he was likely in a long term relationship and hasn't dated in a long time.

This just sounds like it's all new to him.

It said to me on the date that he already dated all the single women in the place where he lives, so he is now starting to date women from other places. So no, he is not like that.

[miss2017]

17 minutes ago, JTSW said:

You are the rude one is all this.

You are so mean about him and he was kind to you when you were together.

Throwing a hissy fit over a coffee just screams entitled. 

To me it screams awakened and aware. lol

Edited February 25, 2020 by miss2017

[JTSW]

Just now, miss2017 said:

It said to me on the date that he already dated all the single women in the place where he lives, so he is now starting to date women from other places. So no, he is not like that.

Why do men brag like that?

It's not attractive is it, and it's probably BS.

I'm seeing a little more where you are coming from now.

[elaine567]

37 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

It said to me on the date that he already dated all the single women in the place where he lives, so he is now starting to date women from other places. So no, he is not like that.

He is now too complacent.
Probably bitter and jaded too.
If I arrived early, I  may have got myself a drink in order to not stick out like a sore thumb in the coffee shop but when he arrived I would have offered to go get him a drink, but would have been pleased if he had said "No its OK I can get my own, do you want anything else?"
OK not everything is about babies, but a guy needs to show some concern for a women and to do the old gentlemanly thing, otherwise he is not really seen as husband/father material.
Last thing a woman wants is to be heavily pregnant with a toddler in tow, and be with a man who is so self absorbed he gets his own food and leaves her to muddle through on her own.
Present behaviour often predicts future behaviour and guys who make no effort or are too jaded to treat women well are best avoided.

[stillafool]

13 hours ago, Elswyth said:

Not a masculine vs feminine thing. I'm a woman, and even if I was meeting a friend I wouldn't go and get my own food before them unless they were very late. Pretty rude IMO. In a group setting I might understand, but one on one and especially for a date, certainly not.

OP,  if you had invited him for coffee would you have waited for him before ordering and gone downstairs to get his order?

[Miss Spider]

7 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

What it boils down to, OP, is that you don't like this guy enough to see him again. There is no need to justify any of it to us or to yourself, really. Not liking him enough is a perfectly valid reason in itself not to want to see him again, whatever the reason.

Exactly. Threads about this topic always last several pages, but never get anywhere. Useless debating about such value judgments. Let the people with similar opinions find each other

Edited February 25, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Ellener]

3 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Anyway I felt he was distant and got a wall up between us. Didn't feel at all he was ready for a relationship.

So it doesn't matter then. 'Next!' 

[miss2017]

2 hours ago, stillafool said:

OP,  if you had invited him for coffee would you have waited for him before ordering and gone downstairs to get his order?

Yes! I have done that before on dates and even with friends.

[sothereiwas]

18 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Basically I paid for my coffee in a coffee date I was invited to.

He's clearly on board with feminist ideals of equality and respects you as a peer. Keeper. 

[Gr8fuln2020]

If my date is going to be late 10+ minutes, I would order my own coffee and wait. When she arrived, I would then offer to buy for her. No need to wait before the person arrives unless the arrival is just around the corner. It's a coffee date/meeting.

I am also seeing perhaps how miffed I would be if my date arrived early, got herself coffee, and then dismissed me to get my own after having been invited....ok...

Thank goodness I have yet to meet any lady like that.

 

Edited February 25, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[JTSW]

Knowing all the details now, i definitely think you should put him straight about his behavior and his dating etiquette.

 

[Miss Spider]

20 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

If my date is going to be late 10+ minutes, I would order my own coffee and wait. When she arrived, I would then offer to buy for her. No need to wait before the person arrives unless the arrival is just around the corner. It's a coffee date/meeting.

I am also seeing perhaps how miffed I would be if my date arrived early, got herself coffee, and then dismissed me to get my own after having been invited....ok...

Thank goodness I have yet to meet any lady like that.

 

Oh crap I have done that before... a lot of times... intentionally...so the guy doesn’t ask to pay. I have been there early and got my own drink but I take my drink and walk up there with him. I just hate the awkward convo, especially when they insist on paying. Especially when I know I’m never going to see them again within the first minute of meeting. 

 

Truly, I wish this expectation never existed in the first place but I know why it did in the past... 

 

I realize now that might be seen as poor etiquette. 

 

Every time I’ve had a coffee and date and the  guy got there first he waited on me before getting his drink 

Edited February 25, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Fletch Lives]

Oh brother, here we go with another "who pays" thread (rolls eyes). 

This is why I never did coffee dates.

First of all, there is nowhere to wait at a coffee shop, they don't have benches like restaurants. And you might have trouble finding the person, you never met them, you might not be able to recognize them from pics.

 I only did dinner dates. At a resturant, you can sit and wait on a bench, at the bar, or get a table with a view of the entrance so you can wave your date over. Then the staff serves you both at the same time, and bills you together so it's easy for the man to pay for it. I order for her and then say grace when the food arrives. Plus you have atmosphere. 

I'm sorry, but coffee dates? - those are lame. They don't impress me!

[simpycurious]

Good point Fletch with the key words (for me at least) being......."easy for the man to pay for it."  See that wasn't so hard

now was it??

[miss2017]

26 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Oh crap I have done that before... a lot of times... intentionally...so the guy doesn’t ask to pay. I have been there early and got my own drink but I take my drink and walk up there with him. I just hate the awkward convo, especially when they insist on paying. Especially when I know I’m never going to see them again within the first minute of meeting. 

 

Truly, I wish this expectation never existed in the first place but I know why it did in the past... 

 

I realize now that might be seen as poor etiquette. 

 

Every time I’ve had a coffee and date and the  guy got there first he waited on me before getting his drink 

I have ZERO problems in accepting the guy paying for coffee, because HE INVITED ME. I am open to receive so see no problem in that and can't even understand why someone who was invited would feel bad about it.

"Every time I’ve had a coffee and date and the  guy got there first he waited on me before getting his drink." Like every normal human being would.

[miss2017]

17 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

I'm sorry, but coffee dates? - those are lame. They don't impress me!

I don't like it either and am seriously thinking about giving up on them. It's lame and it feels really artificial.

[miss2017]

45 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Knowing all the details now, i definitely think you should put him straight about his behavior and his dating etiquette.

 

I just deleted his number today and moved on.

One thing I learned is that people who behave miles away from how I behave, do not understand when I point certain things to them. They are on a different channel, so no point in doing that.

Edited February 25, 2020 by miss2017

[miss2017]

47 minutes ago, sothereiwas said:

He's clearly on board with feminist ideals of equality and respects you as a peer. Keeper. 

I am not a feminist so that was disrespectful if he thought I was. Definitely not a keeper if he makes assumptions like that before knowing me. To me it felt like he just didn't give a s***.

[Miss Spider]

24 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

. Then the staff serves you both at the same time, and bills you together so it's easy for the man to pay for it. I order for her and then say grace when the food arrives. Plus you have atmosphere.

I think I feel even weirder in this scenario. Maybe I just find dating awkward, period. 

Edited February 25, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Fletch Lives]

9 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

I don't like it either and am seriously thinking about giving up on them. It's lame and it feels really artificial.

 - like a business meeting.