He asked me for a coffee date but then didn't pay for the coffee?

[miss2017]

Just now, Elswyth said:

Not a masculine vs feminine thing. I'm a woman, and even if I was meeting a friend I wouldn't go and get my own food before them unless they were very late. Pretty rude IMO. In a group setting I might understand, but one on one and especially for a date, certainly not.

Yes I was just a couple of minutes late, so he could have waited for me to arrive.

It is rude and to me it shows he doesn’t want or knows how to be in a relationship.

[Shining One]

6 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Not a masculine vs feminine thing. I'm a woman, and even if I was meeting a friend I wouldn't go and get my own food before them unless they were very late. Pretty rude IMO. In a group setting I might understand, but one on one and especially for a date, certainly not.

I wonder if this is another regional thing. I've arrived to 20+ dates to meet the woman with a drink in hand. In most cases, I arrived less than 15 minutes after her. I just thought it was "normal".

[ChatroomHero]

I don't think getting a coffee or beer etc., if you get there first is that big of a deal. I would never order something to eat before the woman got there, that's pretty tacky. When she showed up, without thinking and just out of normal behavior, the first thing I would do is say I ordered a drink while waiting, what would you like to drink?... and then I would go and get it or flag down a waitress. To me it's like if you are on a date it's not even something you think of, you make sure your date's needs comes first. It's like if a waiter or waitress asked to take our order and looked at me first, I wouldn't order first I would ask my date what she wanted. 

Call it etiquette or whatever, it's just a social norm/respect thing. I could understand a woman being put off if I took care of my needs and 'left her on her own' to get her own drink. It's just polite respect which I figure is the absolute least I should do for someone I am interested in that is meeting me for a date. If I got there and knew she was going to be there in 2 minutes, I would wait until she got there anyway. It might be fairly minor but if someone can't wait 2 minutes to order together it kind of shows that they think of themselves first. I would be willing to be they secure their happiness and their date be damned in other areas too.

Edited February 24, 2020 by ChatroomHero

[Els]

15 minutes ago, Shining One said:

I wonder if this is another regional thing. I've arrived to 20+ dates to meet the woman with a drink in hand. In most cases, I arrived less than 15 minutes after her. I just thought it was "normal".

Could be, but presumably the OP lives in the same place that he does, so if it were truly normal there, I doubt it would've bothered her.

[spiderowl]

He invited you, he should have behaved better. I don’t think waiting is absolutely necessary - it depends how early he was compared to you. However, as soon as you arrived he should have asked what you would like  to drink and offered a cake or snack too. He should have got up to get it. This is what I would do for my female friends if I met them so he should at least do this on a coffee date.

It’s a first meeting. If he does not display courtesy then, it’s not likely to get better.

[melonmint57]

I agree he should have waited for you and no less paid for your coffee. I view it as pure common courtesy- you at least make the offer. I've had this exact thing happen to me a couple times. I sat through the dates, but in the end as we were parting ways I indicated I wasn't interested in a second date and that was the end of it. Never provided a real detailed reason because I didn't need to. 

[littleblackheart]

4 hours ago, miss2017 said:

He texted me later that day saying he enjoyed meeting me and we have been texting everyday.

If we're talking about good manners, I'd have thought texting him everyday then realising all of a sudden you weren't interested just as he offered to plan a second date is not great either. 

Just saying, nobody's perfect...

He'd warned you he'd be 10 min late, then it turns out you were the one who was a bit late, and neither of you waited for each other. Not a very good start either way. 

 

Other than that, for sure whoever invites pays.

 

 

Edited February 24, 2020 by littleblackheart

[Gr8fuln2020]

36 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

I didn’t say that, those are your words.

It is clear exactly how you feel. What I meant was that you don't have any other opinion other than the guy was wrong. If I tell you that you are wrong about feeling as strongly as you do, would you listen as to why? Nope. You feel culturally, personally that he has done you wrong. FULL STOP. That's all I'm saying. I also recognize that you are likely just venting.

 

[balletomane]

As others have said, he just has a different idea of what a coffee date should look like.

Personally I wouldn't be bothered by someone ordering a coffee before I arrived. If someone is feeling a bit nervous about a date (as most people do) then sitting at a table without even a hot drink to occupy you isn't going to make you feel more at ease. I'd just assume that the guy wanted to be comfortable and was setting an informal tone. Informality isn't the same as rudeness.

I'm not keen on the idea of a man I don't know well yet paying for my food. I feel more comfortable accepting gifts (even small ones) only from people I'm already growing close to. I have a lot of female friends who feel the same way. For all this guy knew, you shared our way of thinking. If you have such different views on how a first date is supposed to look then it's unlikely to work out between you, but I wouldn't leap to conclusions about him being rude.

[basil67]

2 hours ago, miss2017 said:

I’m not angry at all. 

Hey, you're the one who said you were so p*ssed off.  And you're also arguing with anyone who offers a different opinion.   

I can understand being disappointed/put off/taken aback.  But I think that anything more than this is an overreaction.  

[littleblackheart]

19 minutes ago, balletomane said:

For all this guy knew, you shared our way of thinking

In fairness, I assume you would want to have all angles covered for a first meet with a stranger, whether nervous or not. Offering to pay is good manners, anyone is free to accept or refuse. But as @basil67pointed, the reaction to that date seems a bit disproportionate, with minimal self-reflection.

[MsJayne]

I think on the first meeting with someone from a date site everyone should pay for themselves unless the other person actually offers to pay. From a guys point of view, he may be sick of paying for coffees for women who he never sees again, and fair enough. Far too many women think men should pay, but why? One minute women are bleating about equality, the next they're complaining because men aren't acting like it's 1950.  It's 2020, women and men are equal now, and women have their own money. The only rude thing he did was go inside the cafe and order before you arrived. If I was a guy, there's no way I would get involved with a woman who thought she was automatically entitled to a free ride by virtue of having a vagina. 

[Miss Spider]

I agree ^ and no way people should think they are entitled to a second date. So if one man, all things equal, gets up and walks up with his date and asks if he can buy her the coffee gets the second date and the one who didn’t gets rejected, all’s fair. She must just prefer men who don’t reject  polite and generous gestures in the name of equality 

Also, don’t want to date a man going into the red because he’s been going on so many failed coffee dates. Coffee is like, what, $3? 

Edited February 25, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[littleblackheart]

I'm way more baffled by the continuing to text everyday until the change of mind thing than by the 'paying for coffee' plotline, personally. Evidently, I'm missing something. Paying / not paying for coffee doesn't seem like a big deal? It's not a meal or a formal invite - surely any combination of paying / not paying is acceptable - no? Is there an 'etiquette' or a 'dealbreaker' for that too?

Edited February 25, 2020 by littleblackheart

[Miss Spider]

14 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

I'm way more baffled by the continuing to text everyday until the change of mind thing than by the 'paying for coffee' plotline, personally. Evidently, I'm missing something. Paying / not paying for coffee doesn't seem like a big deal? It's not a meal or a formal invite - surely any combination of paying / not paying is acceptable - no? Is there an 'etiquette' or a 'dealbreaker' for that too?

It’s the same thing to me as a date and date etiquette applies. It’s a less formal date, but it’s not about where you go or how much $ is spent, IMO. 

 

As for the texting, a lot of women will continue to talk to a guy/be chat buddies, even if they have 0 intention of going out with him again. They’ll only turn the guy(or ignore him) if he asks for another date. Not something I agree with. 

[littleblackheart]

Not really seeing a clear-cut situation here, I have to admit, but I've never been  on a 'coffee date', though, so that explains my confusion.

 

I still think whoever invites (regardless of gender) should offer to pay, and I do think whoever gets invited should refuse on the basis of not having to owe anything to a stranger, unless the one who does the inviting insists (some people are like that - that's my experience anyway). Basically, pay your own way not because of gender equality, but because of common decency, but don't throw away the chance of a good thing on a principle. 

 

 

 

[simpycurious]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

I agree ^ and no way people should think they are entitled to a second date. So if one man, all things equal, gets up and walks up with his date and asks if he can buy her the coffee gets the second date and the one who didn’t gets rejected, all’s fair. She must just prefer men who don’t reject  polite and generous gestures in the name of equality 

Also, don’t want to date a man going into the red because he’s been going on so many failed coffee dates. Coffee is like, what, $3? 

Ms Cookie, this has nothing to with the dollar amount of the coffee but rather what IS the right thing to do.  The guy should have treated the OP with

more respect and dignity AND BOUGHT HER COFFEE + GONE AND GOTTEN IT FOR HER.

[strawberryshortstack]

I don't think that he didn't pay for your coffee is the important thing here. I've gone on many a coffee date and paid for my own coffee. Coffee dates aren't technically dates in my eyes, they're just a meetup to see if there's enough there to warrant a real date. HOWEVER...the fact that he could not wait 2 minutes for you to arrive before ordering and finding a table is the real issue here. That is inconsiderate to me, and that alone would be enough for there to not be a second "date".

[some_username1]

OP’s talking in absolutes reminds me of a 5 year old in a princess outfit stamping her foot. “He should have bought me a coffee, he should have waited for me!”

As the opinions expressed on this thread attest there are many ways to go on a date and there is no right or wrong way to behave only the way we would appreciate our date to behave. I do wonder at the amount of great connections that have been lost due to a magnifying of something slight on a first date. I am pretty sure some girls might think I was tight or not chivalrous, but my attitude is if a girl Willingly splits the bill with me on the first date then I’ll take her for a very expensive meal on the second. But she won’t get to see the generous side of me if she is so quick to dismiss me because I like to share the cost of rounds of drinks on the first date. And that.’s fine, it’s a compatibility filter for us both rather than absolute rights and wrongs.

And as always, I wonder if OP’s convictions pass the “Hollywood” test: would a woman be so quick to write off a man of high status and worth (like a hollywood actor) if she had to buy her own coffee on the first date? Or would she hang in there hoping he would “loosen up” because his overall value as a potential mate is worth more than her arbitrary principles? Many of course would immediately say they are not so easily bought but I suspect that’s one of those things that’s easy to say on the internet but harder to do in practice when you’ve got Chris Hemsworth sat opposite you blithely unaware you are waiting for him to buy you a coffee

[gaius]

4 minutes ago, some_username1 said:

Many of course would immediately say they are not so easily bought but I suspect that’s one of those things that’s easy to say on the internet but harder to do in practice when you’ve got Chris Hemsworth sat opposite you blithely unaware you are waiting for him to buy you a coffee

Chris Hemsworths wife used to go out with Adrien Brody and he bought her an estate in New York for her birthday one year. I'm pretty sure Thor picks up the coffee when they go out. Despite his "high value".

Guys that think they're such hot sht that they can disrespect a woman to the point of not even buying her a cup of coffee and she should just put up with it are often the biggest losers out there.

[some_username1]

3 minutes ago, gaius said:

Chris Hemsworths wife used to go out with Adrien Brody and he bought her an estate in New York for her birthday one year. I'm pretty sure Thor picks up the coffee when they go out. Despite his "high value".

Guys that think they're such hot sht that they can disrespect a woman to the point of not even buying her a cup of coffee and she should just put up with it are often the biggest losers out there.

Does it need to be that emotive? To label it as disrespect makes quite a judgement on someone whose life we know nothing about. It’s just different dating styles and I suspect if you asked the guy he would say there was no attempt at disrespect meant if only because he certainly didn’t sound verbally rude, sexist, aggressive or violent, he simply went in ahead of her and bought his own drink for which all sorts of hidden meanings are now being ascribed to his behaviour by a load of strangers on the internet. :shrug:

[MsJayne]

2 hours ago, simpycurious said:

Ms Cookie, this has nothing to with the dollar amount of the coffee but rather what IS the right thing to do.  The guy should have treated the OP with

more respect and dignity AND BOUGHT HER COFFEE + GONE AND GOTTEN IT FOR HER.

But why can't she get her own coffee? Is she destitute? Is she in a wheel chair? Is she trapped in a Mills & Boon novel waiting for a man to bring her coffee so she can decide whether to let him rip her bodice open? Women who expect to be treated as equals but then act like a damsel in distress when men do treat them as equals need a reality check.  Until you're actually involved in a romance with a guy, especially on a first meet from a date site, you have no right to 'expect' him to treat you to anything other than his company.  For all she knows maybe he does this deliberately to sift out the gold diggers and princesses. Looks like it's working. 

[littleblackheart]

What it boils down to, OP, is that you don't like this guy enough to see him again. There is no need to justify any of it to us or to yourself, really. Not liking him enough is a perfectly valid reason in itself not to want to see him again, whatever the reason.

[miss2017]

9 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

I'm way more baffled by the continuing to text everyday until the change of mind thing than by the 'paying for coffee' plotline, personally. Evidently, I'm missing something. Paying / not paying for coffee doesn't seem like a big deal? It's not a meal or a formal invite - surely any combination of paying / not paying is acceptable - no? Is there an 'etiquette' or a 'dealbreaker' for that too?

To be honest I have been having so much in my mind lately that I didn't even pay him much attention after the date or how I felt at the date. I continued to text but in a very superficial way, because, again, my mind was on other things. It was only when he asked to see me again that it clicked and I remembered what he did on the first date and realised how I truly feel about it.

To me an invite is an invite, being a first coffee date or a formal dinner. Manners should be there at all times.

Edited February 25, 2020 by miss2017

[miss2017]

8 hours ago, littleblackheart said:

Not really seeing a clear-cut situation here, I have to admit, but I've never been  on a 'coffee date', though, so that explains my confusion.

 

I still think whoever invites (regardless of gender) should offer to pay, and I do think whoever gets invited should refuse on the basis of not having to owe anything to a stranger, unless the one who does the inviting insists (some people are like that - that's my experience anyway). Basically, pay your own way not because of gender equality, but because of common decency, but don't throw away the chance of a good thing on a principle. 

 

 

 

It's NOT about the paying! 

Let's assume the coffee was free. I still think he should have waited for me and I still think he should have asked what I want to drink, get up and get the coffee for me. Not because of gender but because HE invited me. Simple.