He asked me for a coffee date but then didn't pay for the coffee?

[Gr8fuln2020]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

First of all he should have waited for me to arrive to get his coffee, second when I arrived he should have asked me what do I want to drink and go get a coffee for me, and even later when I said I was going dowsnstairs to get my coffee, he should have got up and said he will do that.

So he did none of this. And he was the one asking me for a coffee date! 

Basically I paid for my coffee in a coffee date I was invited to.

Was this really rude of him as I feel it was?

Should I tell him the truth of I feel about it, or just let him go and not go on further dates?

Thank you!

The great thing about a coffee date is that it is more casual and any confusion about who is supposed to pay becomes minimal considering cost.

I wrote more than this earlier, but thought it verbose and unnecessary. Normally, the person who invites, pays. I have found that coffee 'meet-ups' tend to be more relaxed. It may be that his expectations are that coffee dates are not real dates and therefore dutch is more his flavour.

[miss2017]

14 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

The great thing about a coffee date is that it is more casual and any confusion about who is supposed to pay becomes minimal considering cost.

I wrote more than this earlier, but thought it verbose and unnecessary. Normally, the person who invites, pays. I have found that coffee 'meet-ups' tend to be more relaxed. It may be that his expectations are that coffee dates are not real dates and therefore dutch is more his flavour.

I don’t see it that way. I don’t separate things into casual meet up or a date. 

To me inviting me for coffee and meeting up is an opportunity to show good manners and treat someone right.

And it can be a deal breaker to go on a second date or not. I think he should take the time to learn how to treat a woman REGARDLESS of what the situation is.

This could be normal in a guy on his 20’s, immature and inexperienced, not a 40 year old man. If he didn’t bother to learn nice manners by now, I wish him well.

[miss2017]

56 minutes ago, Silver_star said:

If you have already decided not to see him again over this then you only have one question on whether or not to tell him. You can if you want...but does it matter at this point?

Can't you just chalk it up to not being compatible and call it a day?

It's really up to you if you want to throw away the date over the coffee buying etiquette. It has less to do with him and more to do with you and your "standards" or deal breakers. You are assuming he is rude or not a gentleman based off him not buying you a coffee..and if you were so put off why didn't you turn around and walk out? see, It doesnt feel good to tell people what they should have done in a particular moment does it? And there is a lot of judgement and assumptions we make about someones character when we do that. When you say he should've done this ,or that...it's all good and well but he didn't know how you would respond to him buying his coffee while he waited for you, maybe the last woman he dated was independent and bought her own coffee when she was waiting and did not see it as a slight. 

 He did not do anything inherently wrong by the sounds of it, because you continued on with the date...maybe you are trying to give yourself an out for him, because if you were really interested in who he is this one social blunder wouldn't have been a deal breaker, and on the second date you could make a better judgement about his behaviors on being generous.

 

I didn’t do that on the date because I only realised later how pis*** off I was. 

[Marc878]

He has no manners and that won’t change.

final text - we aren’t compatible, sorry

then block

[miss2017]

57 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Oye, I agreed he should have paid for her coffee, and even waited especially if nice out.  However "common courtesy and etiquette" are culture dependent.  Nothing wrong with wanting someone that shares the same cultural view, I do too,...just realize what you think of as universal rarely is.

We were born in the same country. Same location. Same culture. There are men here who have manners and who pay for coffee and not just pay but get up and go get the coffee. He lives in the same culture as those other men. So yeah he was just rude.

[Hopeful30]

Let him go. You guys operate from different mentalities, and both are valid, just not a match. 

I share your mentality that a man should pay. Eastern European culture strongly emphasizes that since men make more money anyways, it's common courtesy that they cover the tab (especially for a measly coffee that's what? two bucks?) 

We also need to remember that picking up the tab isn't about the money. It's a demonstration of character. It's one of the ways men show how they can take care of you. I'll be damned if a man ever makes me carry heavy furniture or walk alone at nighttime! I strongly believe that as protector and provider, men MUST do what's within their capacity to help a sister out, whether it's his mother, cousin or romantic partner, and whether it's picking up the tab or waiting for you to get inside your house before driving away. A real man understands how to show respect and kindness towards a woman. This includes paying for a two-dollar coffee, in my humble opinion.

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

I only realised later how pis*** off I was. 

I understand that he didn't meet your expectations.  But is it really worth wasting so much brain space being angry about it?  

[Hopeful30]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

I understand that he didn't meet your expectations.  But is it really worth wasting so much brain space being angry about it?  

"Anger is a punishment we give ourselves for someone else's mistake." 

[basil67]

2 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

"Anger is a punishment we give ourselves for someone else's mistake." 

And in this case, it's not even a mistake.....but simply different outlooks on what a coffee meetup should look like.

In the wise words of Elsa: "let it go, let it go, let it go"

[Shining One]

Wow, I had no idea I should have been outraged at all the women who arrived at the date site first, sat down, and ordered something for themselves. You learn something new every day.

[miss2017]

10 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

Let him go. You guys operate from different mentalities, and both are valid, just not a match. 

I share your mentality that a man should pay. Eastern European culture strongly emphasizes that since men make more money anyways, it's common courtesy that they cover the tab (especially for a measly coffee that's what? two bucks?) 

We also need to remember that picking up the tab isn't about the money. It's a demonstration of character. It's one of the ways men show how they can take care of you. I'll be damned if a man ever makes me carry heavy furniture or walk alone at nighttime! I strongly believe that as protector and provider, men MUST do what's within their capacity to help a sister out, whether it's his mother, cousin or romantic partner, and whether it's picking up the tab or waiting for you to get inside your house before driving away. A real man understands how to show respect and kindness towards a woman. This includes paying for a two-dollar coffee, in my humble opinion.

I agree, it’s not about the money at all. It’s about the fact HE asked me for a coffee date! So he should pay for it.

I am old school and am much in my feminine energy. I love a masculine guy who takes care and provides. Don’t take me wrong, I have my own business, have my own house and make good money. I don’t need a man.

But I do love a masculine man who wants to take care and provide and shows respect.

I feel this guy is either a guy with feminine energy too or just rude.

[miss2017]

14 minutes ago, basil67 said:

I understand that he didn't meet your expectations.  But is it really worth wasting so much brain space being angry about it?  

I’m not angry at all. 

[SumGuy]

5 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

We were born in the same country. Same location. Same culture. There are men here who have manners and who pay for coffee and not just pay but get up and go get the coffee. He lives in the same culture as those other men. So yeah he was just rude.

Likely. 

I live in the US and for many, many years now in major metropolitan areas.  So used to many cultural perspectives (in that I include the many groups within the US).  Though do have experience with the rural small (very) town from my youth...even that I wouldn't say was 100% homogeneous.  I think it's still in me, as I still have a big strain of there but for the grace of god go I.  That does not appear to be a very common demeanor or belief in the U.S. anymore, if it ever was.

[Miss Spider]

On all of my first dates, I insist on going 1/2. I still like it when the guy offers.  I like courteous men and it seems like you do too. Next. 

Edited February 24, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[miss2017]

4 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

On all of my first dates, I insist on going 1/2. I still like it when the guy offers.  I like courteous men and it seems like you do too. Next. 

Yes I love courteous men in their masculine energy, what a big turn on!

It wasn’t just paying for the coffee but the fact he let me go downstairs to get it and just remained seated. He lost me there.

Edited February 24, 2020 by miss2017

[stillafool]

23 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

There are men here who have manners and who pay for coffee and not just pay but get up and go get the coffee. He lives in the same culture as those other men. So yeah he was just rude.

Oh this is good.  At least you won't have a problem finding the man you want.

[miss2017]

11 minutes ago, stillafool said:

Oh this is good.  At least you won't have a problem finding the man you want.

Hope so!

[snowboy91]

The point of whether or not he should have paid is contentious - which is why there's a 57 page thread on it here. I'm getting the feeling that there is a cultural element to it.

That being said, I think you are right in saying he should have waited before ordering his coffee (unless, of course, you were seriously late - he might have felt stood up!). The whole point is you sit there both enjoying coffee as well as the company.

Edited February 24, 2020 by snowboy91

[Miss Spider]

10 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

Yes I love courteous men in their masculine energy, what a big turn on!

It wasn’t just paying for the coffee but the fact he let me go downstairs to get it and just remained seated. He lost me there.

What a charmer.
 

I just feel like it’s still what is ingrained in my culture and I like men who don’t abandon harmless teachings of generosity and courtesy. Like, if he lacks social decorum in that way, what other ways?  And will it in embarrass me in front of others? Prefer not to have to worry about that. 

[simpycurious]

I totally disagree with Smack.  Of course, we each have own set of opinions and what deem to be appropriate behavior.  

In short, I JUST THINK he should have paid for your coffee. It's not that hard to do.

[Gaeta]

27 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

 

It wasn’t just paying for the coffee but the fact he let me go downstairs to get it and just remained seated. He lost me there.

Absolutely! This man lacked basic courtesy. When he is invited to dinner somewhere he probably starts eating before the host sits down. What else! He'll walk 6 feet in front of you in the mall! It just screams his mother didn't teach him anything.

I was not offended at the man in my story for not paying my coffee but for not waiting for me like a gentleman. After all this was a 1st meeting where we are suppose to be on our best behavior we are shopping for a mate.

 

[simpycurious]

31 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

Yes I love courteous men in their masculine energy, what a big turn on!

It wasn’t just paying for the coffee but the fact he let me go downstairs to get it and just remained seated. He lost me there.

Why is it hard to say.....HE WAS RUDE

 

[Gr8fuln2020]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

I don’t see it that way. I don’t separate things into casual meet up or a date. 

To me inviting me for coffee and meeting up is an opportunity to show good manners and treat someone right.

And it can be a deal breaker to go on a second date or not. I think he should take the time to learn how to treat a woman REGARDLESS of what the situation is.

This could be normal in a guy on his 20’s, immature and inexperienced, not a 40 year old man. If he didn’t bother to learn nice manners by now, I wish him well.

Okay, so your feelings are solid and ours don't mean anything. Why post?

[Els]

Not a masculine vs feminine thing. I'm a woman, and even if I was meeting a friend I wouldn't go and get my own food before them unless they were very late. Pretty rude IMO. In a group setting I might understand, but one on one and especially for a date, certainly not.

[miss2017]

14 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Okay, so your feelings are solid and ours don't mean anything. Why post?

I didn’t say that, those are your words.