He asked me for a coffee date but then didn't pay for the coffee?

[miss2017]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Miss2017: Good luck in your search! I am sure there are plenty of nicer dates ahead of you. I am looking forward to read about them. There are still many men out there with manners no matter their age, race, and social status. 

Thank you! And to me those are the ones that I want to date and get to know better!

[SumGuy]

10 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

I agree, the man I told off in the coffee shop and probably humiliated in front of 10s of people text me afterward to offer me sex. Men are a different species than women. We don't get offended for the same reasons and we experience things differently as we women are usually more sensitive. Do I really need to explain this difference ....

Wow, that's a pretty funny and/or clueless move on his part.  

I think explaining the difference would be good for another thread. 

To me the very differences ones sees, or wants, or believes in, is a marker of the specific culture they swim in and/or their own world views; not universal truth. 

[littleblackheart]

.

2 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

you DON'T have to accept it

I don' think anyone's making that point.

 

The boundaries are fine, the way the situation was handled and the boundaries set not so much, imo, especially for someone who praises good manners so much.

 

That situation could have been diffused on the day in a multitude of ways. 

 

Maybe I'm the outlier here (which is fine), but I would personally be beyond put-off by such a passive aggressive stance.

 

 

 

[Allupinnit]

Wow this is going around in all of these "what if" scenarios LOL.  Truly strange that people can't just call something what it is - rude-a$$ behavior.  

[miss2017]

4 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Wow this is going around in all of these "what if" scenarios LOL.  Truly strange that people can't just call something what it is - rude-a$$ behavior.  

Because they probably behave the same way.

[Ruby Slippers]

16 hours ago, Gaeta said:

It's not really important where the first meeting is set up whether it's a coffee shop, a park, ice cream parlor, if it clicks it clicks no matter if it's a cheap coffee shop. Once this guy and I decided on a meeting at a coffee shop 'Second Cup', we arrive there it's closed. We go to Starbucks across the street, it's closed. We ended up at Subway!! It was the only place open. Subways are cold, dirty, coffee is horrible......him and I dated 1 year. 

I accepted a few coffee dates when I was an online dating newbie. Then I realized that every man who invited me for coffee for the first date turned out to be totally lame 

[SumGuy]

2 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Wow this is going around in all of these "what if" scenarios LOL.  Truly strange that people can't just call something what it is - rude-a$$ behavior.  

I believe it goes around and around when it gets beyond saying I found that rude and he's not for me, or yes that is generally not polite behavior, to extrapolations to all sorts of character flaws.

Anything more based on the information we have, even assuming it is 100% accurate,  is just speculation and gratuitous.  However, that is what internet forums are for it seems.

[SumGuy]

4 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

Because they probably behave the same way.

That sounds like a pretty ad hominem way to dismiss others experiences and world view.

I for one don't behave the same way, but I also would never react the same way either.    

[Gaeta]

Just now, Ruby Slippers said:

I accepted a few coffee dates when I was an online dating newbie. Then I realized that every man who invited me for coffee for the first date turned out to be totally lame 

lol, life has those coincidences eh!. 

My boyfriend and I met in a chain coffee place by a metro station, nothing nice about it. We had been talking for 1 week, trying to find time to meet and not wanting to wait another week to go by. We pointed on a map the middle between his work vs my work and we ran there after work in the middle of winter.

I arrived first, I waited for him, we went in line together to order, he was a total gentleman with his hand on my back guiding me, opening doors, letting me order first, pay, letting me sit first. It's been 4 years and he has not stopped being a gentleman!

[littleblackheart]

2 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

to extrapolations to all sorts of character flaws

Right.

Deal with as best you can on the day or quietly and swiftly move on; both, preferably.

 

Absolutely no need to character assassinate a guy you've seen not 5 minutes and you'll never see again.

 

[sothereiwas]

6 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I accepted a few coffee dates when I was an online dating newbie. Then I realized that every man who invited me for coffee for the first date turned out to be totally lame 

I never did a coffee date but I have to confess, the concept was interesting; a fast casual meetup where two busy people get their coffee and share a table for a little block of time and have a low-pressure chat. That sounds fun and low risk. If it's now become some protocol laden thing then I think it's not really a useful idea. Maybe it never was. 

[miss2017]

6 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

lol, life has those coincidences eh!. 

My boyfriend and I met in a chain coffee place by a metro station, nothing nice about it. We had been talking for 1 week, trying to find time to meet and not wanting to wait another week to go by. We pointed on a map the middle between his work vs my work and we ran there after work in the middle of winter.

I arrived first, I waited for him, we went in line together to order, he was a total gentleman with his hand on my back guiding me, opening doors, letting me order first, pay, letting me sit first. It's been 4 years and he has not stopped being a gentleman!

Exactly, gentlemen do exist and all others should learn from them!

Edited February 26, 2020 by miss2017

[Gaeta]

3 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

Absolutely no need to character assassinate a guy you've seen not 5 minutes and you'll never see again.

Not you but a few on here did assassinate OP's character and she spent more than 5 minutes with us. 

[miss2017]

8 minutes ago, sothereiwas said:

I never did a coffee date but I have to confess, the concept was interesting; a fast casual meetup where two busy people get their coffee and share a table for a little block of time and have a low-pressure chat. That sounds fun and low risk. If it's now become some protocol laden thing then I think it's not really a useful idea. Maybe it never was. 

I don’t think I’m going on another coffee date again after this. There’s so many other nice things you can do and even more low pressure than sitting on a table.

Another guy on that same dating app invited me to play a tennis match since is something we both like. Much better for a first meet up.

Edited February 26, 2020 by miss2017

[littleblackheart]

Well at least she's here to tell her story and defend herself

 

17 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

Because they probably behave the same way.

Like so.

 

[d0nnivain]

Just now, sothereiwas said:

I never did a coffee date but I have to confess, the concept was interesting; a fast casual meetup where two busy people get their coffee and share a table for a little block of time and have a low-pressure chat. That sounds fun and low risk. If it's now become some protocol laden thing then I think it's not really a useful idea. 

Granted I only did OLD for a short time but I remember reading the site's advice that the 1st meet should be quick, well lit, low cost & no pressure.  

As people get more jaded about the whole concept I understand why somebody would expect that meet for coffee would be Dutch treat. 

If the person accepting the invitation took umbrage at the fact that the other person didn't buy them a beverage, well that is simply a point of incompatibility.  For some it may be a sin so grave (both the not treating & the expectation of being treated)  it merits no 2nd meet / date.  For others it may be something to keep an eye on & see how things shake out going forward.  If I otherwise really liked the person I doubt I'd get super bent over $5 but then again I have never had the experience where a guy who asked me out didn't at least offer to buy.  

[sothereiwas]

26 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

Maybe I'm the outlier here (which is fine), but I would personally be beyond put-off by such a passive aggressive stance.

Probably not the right answer but truthfully, I believe a lot of guys will tailor their response, maybe not even consciously, to what they are presented with. I'd need to know a lot more about the whole scenario before I'd go around condemning someone I've never met but if we wanted to talk in general terms about situations like this, it's probably good to remember that life is nuanced. A lot of factors come into play. In the end, it's good they're not having a second date, I think most people would agree with that even if the reasoning differs.

[SummerDreams]

26 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

Because they probably behave the same way.

I was right when I said you behave in a mean way towards everyone who offers a different opinion in the matter and you denied you were being mean. But here we are, you accusing everyone who maybe thinks this man might not be the villain you are presenting him to be as behaving the same way. I would be mad if I didn't find this behavior childish!

[littleblackheart]

8 minutes ago, sothereiwas said:

In the end, it's good they're not having a second date, I think most people would agree with that even if the reasoning differs.

Sure. 

I'm just saying the entire post-date attitude was, to my mind, not elegant at all. 

 

On that basis, it's really difficult to fully empathise. 

 

 

[Lisa_Lisa]

I met a man at a bar after work and he was sitting on the stool when I arrived. I asked for a beer and he did not get up to offer me the stool or look for another stool. I just stood and drank and talked. I kept thinking, wtf, he should be looking for a seat for me, but I managed to just be cool about it. I looked past him and saw a man sitting on a stool and saw an empty one beside him. I asked if anyone was sitting there and he said no and offered it to me. I sat down and continued my conversation with the man, but I was put off like damn at least look for a seat for me to be able to sit down.

Well, conversation flowed and somehow we made plans to meet again. It was a bar/restaurant. When he arrived I was already having a drink and an appetizer because he said he'd be 30 mins late, but when he arrived I got up and greeted him with a polite hug. As conversation continued, he took my hands and held them basically changing the dynamic to something romantic.

I don't like to think of my time as wasted because I get to go out into the world and feel free so when that date ended, I went about my business. After that, he asked me out on a real date so I accepted though I'm not sure why to be honest.

I waited for him at the restaurant that I picked out and when he arrived he tapped me on the shoulder and handed me a bouquet of pink roses and small box of pastries. He held the seat out for me to sit down and put my coat on when we were done and he paid for the whole meal. Wow, what a 180. He send two dozen roses to  my job for Valentine's Day and picked me up, handed me more roses, and a silver necklace. I was very surprised at this behavior.

I guess what I mean to say is, we were strangers to each other, he didn't owe me nor I owed him anything. But I went out with him anyway because I like meeting people and experiencing the city. If anything, I walk away having met an interesting person.

But I understand people have standards and boundaries so to each his own.

[JTSW]

3 hours ago, miss2017 said:

His daughter is 2 years old and lives with her mom, he only sees her for a weekend every 2 weeks, so he basically lives like a single child free man most of the time. That explains his self-centered behaviour too.

Why are so nasty about him though? 

You can't assume how he lives just because he has his daughter once every two weeks. 

I can tell you that a single father will work his ass off to provide and pay for his child (he's sounds like a decent dad at least). 

You just continue to call him names which is disgusting. 

You know nothing about his life so you have no right to assume. 

[SummerDreams]

6 minutes ago, JTSW said:

 you have no right to assume. 

But...but...but...he invited her for coffee and didn't pay for it!

[introverted1]

On 2/24/2020 at 11:46 PM, MsJayne said:

But why can't she get her own coffee? Is she destitute? Is she in a wheel chair? Is she trapped in a Mills & Boon novel waiting for a man to bring her coffee so she can decide whether to let him rip her bodice open? Women who expect to be treated as equals but then act like a damsel in distress when men do treat them as equals need a reality check. 

  Touche!

 

On 2/25/2020 at 1:11 PM, miss2017 said:

He invited, he pays. Simple.

Meh.  It was a meet and greet for an OLD.  Someone has to be the one to say "Do you want to meet?"  That's not quite the same as an invitation.  And, frankly, not every invite means payment.  I often invite others to go to a movie or out for lunch or dinner or even - horrors! - coffee, and I don't believe that "Hey, do you want to see [insert movie name] Sunday" is the same as "I'd like to take you to [insert movies name] Sunday."  If I had to pay for the other person/people every time I went somewhere, I'd rarely leave the house.

 

Edited February 26, 2020 by introverted1

[smackie9]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

There is nothing attractive in a woman sitting in a coffee shop stuffing her face in cake that won't even get up to greet her guest or introduce herself. It's not gender related. 

If she's super hot the guy wouldn't even notice that.

[stillafool]

Well at least you got to vent and you received an apology from him for your trouble.  This  should roll off your back at this point and nothing to be upset over.  You two were not compatible and you dismissed him.  Maybe it would save you time to tell future dates ahead of time what you expect from them before you meet.