He asked me for a coffee date but then didn't pay for the coffee?

[sothereiwas]

12 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Yes you're finally understanding!

As one of probably a minority of people here who are long married and happy, I actually think I've got a pretty good handle on things. Carry on. 

[littleblackheart]

39 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

if it clicks it clicks  

Isn't that ^^ the actual 'secret' to any success, though?

 

[Mimolicious]

He's not a gentleman and lacks manners. his mother failed. run as fast as you can lol

[BluEyeL]

When this happened to me, the men in question also gave off some unpleasant, bitter, unkind vibe. So it wasn't a match. I wouldn't tell them why. It's always better not to give reasons that leave room for them arguing with you. Usually I'd say "sorry no spark", because it was true. It wasn't the coffee thing in itself, but I just did not like the guy.

Edited February 26, 2020 by BluEyeL

[Interstellar]

And he didn’t stand to greet you  and pull your chair to let you sit first.

[Pumaza]

I agree,but no he should not go get it.you barelly know him he could put something in your cofffee. so good that you went yourself. 

Just tell him nicelly what you feel, and move on. He not what you are looking for.

 

[hajk]

35 minutes ago, Pumaza said:

I agree, but no he should not go get it. you barelly know him he could put something in your cofffee. so good that you went yourself. 

 

 

That's good point, can't trust stranger.

[miss2017]

3 hours ago, Pumaza said:

I agree,but no he should not go get it.you barelly know him he could put something in your cofffee. so good that you went yourself. 

Just tell him nicelly what you feel, and move on. He not what you are looking for.

 

I get that, but he could have at least offered to do it, even if after I say to him thank you but I’ll get it myself. The offering From him would be a good gesture.

[miss2017]

4 hours ago, S2B said:

Well... a great guy would ask you what you want and go get it and pay for it.

but he didn’t... so just expect to continuously be disappointed if you keep seeing him.

he has no manners and he may be cheap. I wouldn’t allow him to waste one more minute of my time. 
 

he showed you who he is. Believe him.

 

I do believe him!

[miss2017]

5 hours ago, Mimolicious said:

He's not a gentleman and lacks manners. his mother failed. run as fast as you can lol

He’s 40 so I wouldn’t blame it on his mother. He had enough time already to figure things out on his own and learn how to treat a woman. If he didn’t it’s on him.

[SummerDreams]

10 hours ago, miss2017 said:

Well that would show he is a weak man for changing his values because of a woman who is not aligned with him.

He should have moved on, keep his values and manners and find a woman who appreciates who he is. A strong mature man would do that.

Omg, it's not about values, it's about men being confused about how to act around a woman. You were offended he didnt offer you coffee, another woman may have been offended he offered her coffee. Every person has their own rules and you seem to judge people by your own rules in a black and white way.

I find it strange though because people start dating with high expectations (the girl who wants to find her prince etc) and as time goes by they realize they have to lower their expectations if they want to find someone and that nobody is perfect. You do the opposite, you started with low expectations and when this didnt work, you upped your expectations. It's interesting and I'd like to know how this will work out for you.

I must admit this guy must not have been the best, I mean he is searching for women in OLD, how serious and sane can he be?

[miss2017]

23 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

Omg, it's not about values, it's about men being confused about how to act around a woman. You were offended he didnt offer you coffee, another woman may have been offended he offered her coffee. Every person has their own rules and you seem to judge people by your own rules in a black and white way.

I find it strange though because people start dating with high expectations (the girl who wants to find her prince etc) and as time goes by they realize they have to lower their expectations if they want to find someone and that nobody is perfect. You do the opposite, you started with low expectations and when this didnt work, you upped your expectations. It's interesting and I'd like to know how this will work out for you.

I must admit this guy must not have been the best, I mean he is searching for women in OLD, how serious and sane can he be?

I have a friend of mine that met her now husband on OLD, they are happy together, so is not insane at all.

It is about values. Because a secure man with values does not get confused if a woman doesn't like how he behaves (in this case offering her a coffee). He just realises this particular woman is not a match to his values and moves on, acting exactly the same with the next woman until he finds one that appreciates and likes him (his match). 

He doesn't get confused or changes his ways. He moves on.

Yes that's exactly what happened to me. Me having low expectations and accepting crappy behaviour (to me how this guy acted is a good example of the crappy behaviour I tolerated in the past) only attracted guys and situations that made me suffer and had nothing to do with love.

I have learned to love myself and so today I do not accept crappy behaviour and do not settle for less than what I want.

I don't know if it that will attract the true love of my life, but one thing is for sure, today I have peace of mind and space in my life for the right guy to appear, because I am not entertaining clowns.

Edited February 26, 2020 by miss2017

[Miss Spider]

4 hours ago, Pumaza said:

I agree,but no he should not go get it.you barelly know him he could put something in your cofffee. so good that you went yourself. 

Just tell him nicelly what you feel, and move on. He not what you are looking for.

 

he wouldn’t go down by himself and fetch her drink while she waited up there like a princess...
She gets there and he accompanies her downstairs while she picks what she wants to drink. This also gives them more opportunity to talk and connect.  Then he offers to pay for it. No one spikes anyone’s drink. 
 

This is like  dating 101 stuff, I thought. This is the way  coffee dates have always gone for me and I didn’t even realize how many people struggled with this until this thread. I do believe a lot are just playing ‘devil’s advocate’

Edited February 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[manfrombelow2]

Just forget all about him and let him go.

His action (not paying for EVEN ONE coffee) said everything: He did not want to invest into you as a potential partner. 

[miss2017]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

he wouldn’t go down by himself and fetch her drink while she waited up there like a princess...
She gets there and he accompanies her downstairs while she picks what she wants to drink. This also gives them more opportunity to talk and connect.  Then he offers to pay for it. No one spikes anyone’s drink.

That would make sense if when I got there he hasn't ordered yet and was waiting for me. Then we both could go downstairs and do that. But when I arrived he was sitting down drinking his coffee and eating his cake already and couldn't be bothered to go with me downstairs. 

Why is waiting there like a princess? If it was the woman getting the drink for him would you say he was sitting there like a prince? 

This kind of mindset just shows how some people are so messed up in regards to doing something nice to others.

Edited February 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Miss Spider]

8 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

That would make sense if when I got there he hasn't ordered yet and was waiting for me. Then we both could go downstairs and do that. But when I arrived he was sitting down drinking his coffee and eating his cake already and couldn't be bothered to go with me downstairs. 

Why is waiting there like a princess? If it was the woman getting the drink for him would you say he was sitting there like a prince? 

This kind of mindset just shows how some people are so f**** up in regards to doing something nice to others.

Yea, I would call him a prince... maybe just a jack*ass? I think it’s weird to have someone you just met  go down and get your drink when you’re capable of it. What is the purpose of that, why not go with them? Protecting his coffee? Also would you tell them how many sugars you want in it and stuff too?? I can’t picture expecting my  friend, date, or anyone do that. .But I guess to each their own.,

Edited February 26, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[miss2017]

16 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

Yea, I would call him a prince... maybe just a jack*ass? I think it’s weird to have someone you just met  go down and get your drink when you’re capable of it. What is the purpose of that, why not go with them? Protecting his coffee? Also would you tell them how many sugars you want in it and stuff too?? I can’t picture expecting my  friend, date, or anyone do that. .But I guess to each their own.,

I agree. The best thing would be to go together. But as I mentioned, he was already sitting down enjoying his coffee and cake when I arrived and couldn't be bothered to go downstairs with me.

If it was now (and if something like this happens again with someone else), I'll just go downstairs, get my coffee and leave.

Edited February 26, 2020 by miss2017

[SummerDreams]

1 hour ago, miss2017 said:

This kind of mindset just shows how some people are so f**** up in regards to doing something nice to others.

He had no obligation to do something nice for you just because you are a woman who accepted to go for a coffee with him. You are a stranger to him.

And I know you are going to say "but I asked him before I go order whether he wanted me to bring him anything",  you did it only to hint to him that he is a pig for not doing this himself.

Anyway it's not a bad thing to remove yourself from a situation you don't like and value yourself a lot.

Edited February 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[miss2017]

1 hour ago, SummerDreams said:

He had no obligation to do something nice for you just because you are a woman who accepted to go for a coffee with him. You are a stranger to him.

And I know you are going to say "but I asked him before I go order whether he wanted me to bring him anything", you did it only to hint to him that he is a pig for not doing this himself.

Anyway it's not a bad thing to remove yourself from a situation you don't like and value yourself a lot.

I don't think I was mean and offensive but that's your opinion. If you see it that way then I also think it can be offensive to call a woman a princess because she is sitting waiting for the guy to get her a drink. 

I do believe that mindset is messed up because doing something nice to someone else should be seen as normal and kind, not being "a princess".

No I didn't ask if he wanted anything to show him he was being a pig. I did it because that's who I am and I behave. I do that with friends and family members too.

There you go again with the "stranger" thing. It's not a total stranger otherwise he wouldn't be asking for a coffee. And as I said, everyone starts off as strangers, that's not an excuse.

Yes he definitely dodged a bullet. Now he doesn't have to put with a woman that doesn't take his BS and can move on to find one that does. Good riddance to me.

Edited February 26, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[salparadise]

11 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

I mean, you are very happy when someone agrees with you and quite mean and offensive when someone expresses a different point of view. I started posting in this thread being positive towards you and here I am a day later feeling this guy may have dodged a bullet.

Yea, it's laughable how people draw major conclusions for virtually no reason. He didn't give her the full princess treatment, therefore he is worthless, a baaaad-baaaaad person. It was a coffee meet for heaven's sake... you'd think he kicked her dog or something the way people vilify him. A man's value is not equal to the height of the pedestal he puts you on. If you're looking for reasons to judge harshly you'll find plenty. Nobody is going to meet these kinds of expectations consistently. 

[miss2017]

7 minutes ago, salparadise said:

Yea, it's laughable how people draw major conclusions for virtually no reason. He didn't give her the full princess treatment, therefore he is worthless, a baaaad-baaaaad person. It was a coffee meet for heaven's sake... you'd think he kicked her dog or something the way people vilify him. A man's value is not equal to the height of the pedestal he puts you on. If you're looking for reasons to judge harshly you'll find plenty. Nobody is going to meet these kinds of expectations consistently. 

You can't find any post where I said this guy is "worthless and baaaad-baaaaad".

I said we re not compatible and is not behaviour from a gentleman and someone who invited the other for coffee. Princess treatment for getting a coffee he invited me for? Are you joking?

Princess treatment would be something like a guy taking you on a private jet to have a coffee at a luxury coffee shop in Paris! If you think a guy getting you a coffee (he invited you for) is princess treatment, you really have to work on your standards because they are too low.

Edited February 26, 2020 by miss2017

[basil67]

Miss2017, I’m floored at just how many insults you’ve been able to drag out for him.  Baaaad is about the only thing you haven’t said about him.    If this is ‘not angry’, I’d hate to see what furious looks like.  

Edited February 26, 2020 by basil67

[miss2017]

1 minute ago, basil67 said:

Yes Salsa.  I’m floored at just how many insults the OP is able to drag out for him.   If this is ‘not angry’ it’s hate to see what furious looks like.  

And I'm glad I'm angry when I am treated less than I deserve. That is called self-esteem.

[miss2017]

Thank you everyone for responding to me and helping me. 

It helped me realise the inner work I have done on myself is giving its fruits because I don't tolerate BS that I used to in the past. I moved on from that and now have high standards and can say NO to what I don't want and leaving the space free for what I truly want. All the best.

Edited February 26, 2020 by miss2017

[littleblackheart]

34 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

If it was now (and if something like this happens again with someone else), I'll just go downstairs, get my coffee and leave

Maybe just agree to wait for each other ahead of time, if that matters to you (that's really the only 'issue' here, as far as I can tell).

 

Or tell him you'd rather he had waited so he knows why you're pissed off. 

 

You too have agency in this story, you're not just a passive bystander.