He asked me for a coffee date but then didn't pay for the coffee?

[Gaeta]

2 minutes ago, some_username1 said:

 All this supposition from a mouthful of bloody cake!

Not quite.

Based on him not getting up to introduce himself upon her arrival

Serving himself before she got there

Not offering to get her something

This man doesn't have social manners, gentleman manners,  and doesn't have table manners. Yes on that alone I can draw a few conclusions on his character. 

 

 

[preraph]

6 minutes ago, some_username1 said:

He could be the man of your dreams you literally know nothing more at that point! strewth it’s no wonder there are so many singles on here if dates only last 5 seconds because of a mouthful of bloody cake. Jesus

I think we can safely assume he's not her dream man.  She knows all she needs to know, that he is ill-mannered and rude on the first meet, which is when most people would be on their best behavior.  So this is him at his best.  Yeah.  NO.  I would encourage more men to show their true colors on the first meet.  It saves a lot of wasted time.  It prevents women from hoping they're something they're not and then getting hurt.  

[sothereiwas]

Here I am, having always avoided coffee dates in my time as a single person because I thought the idea was lame, and now realizing they had so much protocol attached to them. Dodged that bullet!

[some_username1]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Not quite.

Based on him not getting up to introduce himself upon her arrival

Serving himself before she got there

Not offering to get her something

This man doesn't have social manners, gentleman manners,  and doesn't have table manners. Yes on that alone I can draw a few conclusions on his character. 

 

 

That’s a very quaint ideal of how people should behave these days though- it might be applicable to the older generation but I think you are going to struggle to find it in anyone under 35. Western culture has changed, ‘Lincoln Belvedere III’ the southern gentleman with his white suit and hat is a dying breed. Not least because women wanted social equality with men and that means chivalrous behaviour has been caught in the crossfire because men are being told by feminists to treat you no different than our male friends.
 
So for me, whilst it might not be exactly the start you wanted to write someone off just for that would be extremely OTT. Not to mention that’s not exactly rude behaviour- he could simply be thoughtless. Rude would be slapping OP on the ass and calling her derogatory names in which case I would be totally with her that this guy was a rude arse. To me he comes across merely as thoughtless, which whilst not initially attractive if all other aspects of the date were great I don’t see why it should be held against him.

I tell ya, the next time a woman laments to me “where have all the good guys gone” I’ll reply “the 1930s!”

[littleblackheart]

17 minutes ago, some_username1 said:

all he did was not buy her a coffee

I mean I can see why there is no second date but I feel if you're going to find fault in someone's character, especially someone you don't know well at all, you'd better be perfect yourself.

 

I totally get the need to vent, but with a bit of self-reflection thrown in too.

 

But as OP has said herself at some point as I recall, 'no big deal' so is well that ends well!

 

 

Edited February 25, 2020 by littleblackheart

[Shining One]

16 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

Miss2017: I was online 3,5 years and met close to 200 men. If this behavior was normal it would have happened to me more often. In all these meetings only ONCE this happened to me!!

I don't have those numbers, but I probably have close to 100. The women I've met frequently sat down and ordered something if they arrived first. I remember walking up to one who had just started eating some chicken wings as I found her.

[Gaeta]

Some_username: I have dated plenty of younger men around 35 and they were full on gentlemen. Unless you are talking about much younger generation? But I raise my 15 year old to have manners and that includes not eating before her guests arrive. Maybe it's geographic, who knows, I am from a Canadian city, we are known for being polite, maybe that's just it. I work downtown, every day younger men will hold doors, always let me in/out first of the elevator, offer their seat in metro. We don't lack gentlemen up here. 

Edited February 25, 2020 by Gaeta

[Gr8fuln2020]

Hmmmm....I tried to think of a single meeting where the person who arrived first ordered and then left me 'hanging.' Can't. I haven't dated in the hundreds (crazy #s), but one thing that always seemed to have happened if they did arrive earlier is they'd ask if they could order something for me. So, they had my number and they would simply inform me that they had arrived and waited or asked if they could order something for me.

I really don't think the OP's date is the norm. Eh, what do I know?

Edited February 25, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[miss2017]

35 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

The only common thing these men had was you. You didnt attract horrible men because they were horrible necessarily, it may very well have been that YOU were the one doing something wrong or giving them the wrong vibe or whatever. When we have bad experiences with people all the time, we should start thinking that maybe WE are the ones who are doing something wrong and change that.

But yeah anyway, you can have high expectations all you want but you should have in mind that maybe men have high expectations as well.

Yes I agree, it was me tolerating and accepting bad behaviour due to low self-value and self-esteem.

Worked on that and now I have high expectations as you say (which to me are normal ones), and don’t settle for less.

I hope to find one of those men, maybe we are compatible.

[SummerDreams]

I told this story to my husband and he replied: "maybe this poor man offered to buy coffee to the previous woman he dated and she got offended by saying "how dare you, I am a strong and independent woman and I can buy my own coffee!"."

Everything is about perspective.

[miss2017]

17 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Hmmmm....I tried to think of a single meeting where the person who arrived first ordered and then left me 'hanging.' Can't. I haven't dated in the hundreds (crazy #s), but one thing that always seemed to have happened if they did arrive earlier is they'd ask if they could order something for me. So, they had my number and they would simply inform me that they had arrived and waited or asked if they could order something for me.

I really don't think the OP's date is the norm. Eh, what do I know?

I thought of that too!

He texted me saying he has arrived. I texted back saying I’ll be there in 5 or less. He could have texted saying I’m gonna get a coffee and ask if I want him to order one too for me. Simple as that.

It shows manners and that he is relationship material. I would do that for the guy if it was the other way around.

Edited February 25, 2020 by miss2017

[Allupinnit]

 

1 minute ago, SummerDreams said:

I told this story to my husband and he replied: "maybe this poor man offered to buy coffee to the previous woman he dated and she got offended by saying "how dare you, I am a strong and independent woman and I can buy my own coffee!"."

Everything is about perspective.

Oh come on you know that never happens.

Edited February 25, 2020 by Allupinnit

[miss2017]

4 minutes ago, SummerDreams said:

I told this story to my husband and he replied: "maybe this poor man offered to buy coffee to the previous woman he dated and she got offended by saying "how dare you, I am a strong and independent woman and I can buy my own coffee!"."

Everything is about perspective.

Well that would show he is a weak man for changing his values because of a woman who is not aligned with him.

He should have moved on, keep his values and manners and find a woman who appreciates who he is. A strong mature man would do that.

Edited February 25, 2020 by miss2017

[littleblackheart]

Imo, high expectations is a recipe for disaster, from experience.

 

I feel it works better for your own mental health to have high standards and low expectations - that way you can only be pleasantly surprised!

 

8 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

I have high expectations

 

[miss2017]

7 minutes ago, littleblackheart said:

Imo, high expectations is a recipe for disaster, from experience.

 

I feel it works better for your own mental health to have high standards and low expectations - that way you can only be pleasantly surprised!

 

 

Exactly. And this was about standards AND expectations.

Edited February 25, 2020 by miss2017

[simpycurious]

"Everything is about perspective" ???????????? The perspective that lies between right and wrong?  Social graces, proper etiquette and 

overall MANNERS STILL have a place in today's world (at least I hope they still do).  The LADY (OP) deserved a little better in my opinion.

[basil67]

29 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

Well that would show he is a weak man for changing his values because of a woman who is not aligned with him.

He should have moved on, keep his values and manners and find a woman who appreciates who he is. A strong mature man would do that.

And I've known men (and women) who've kept values and manners which should really have gone out with the dinosaurs despite it being suggested they could get with the times.   It's not necessarily a positive trait.

[basil67]

29 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

"Everything is about perspective" ???????????? The perspective that lies between right and wrong?  Social graces, proper etiquette and 

overall MANNERS STILL have a place in today's world (at least I hope they still do).  The LADY (OP) deserved a little better in my opinion.

I agree she deserved a little better.   And I still think this whole conversation......and now talk of men being "weak" or a "real man" is totally over the top.  

Edited February 25, 2020 by basil67

[Ruby Slippers]

1 hour ago, sothereiwas said:

Here I am, having always avoided coffee dates in my time as a single person because I thought the idea was lame, and now realizing they had so much protocol attached to them. Dodged that bullet!

I agree they're lame. Eventually I just stopped accepting coffee invites. If that's the best he can do, zzzzzzz. My boyfriend impressed me by asking me out for brunch, anywhere I wanted to go, and I impressed him by picking a modest neighborhood joint rather than an expensive free meal spot as so many previous dates had done.

[sothereiwas]

6 minutes ago, Ruby Slippers said:

I agree they're lame. Eventually I just stopped accepting coffee invites. If that's the best he can do, zzzzzzz. My boyfriend impressed me by asking me out for brunch, anywhere I wanted to go, and I impressed him by picking a modest neighborhood joint rather than an expensive free meal spot as so many previous dates had done.

I think I love everything about that entire scenario. 

[Gaeta]

It's not really important where the first meeting is set up whether it's a coffee shop, a park, ice cream parlor, if it clicks it clicks no matter if it's a cheap coffee shop. Once this guy and I decided on a meeting at a coffee shop 'Second Cup', we arrive there it's closed. We go to Starbucks across the street, it's closed. We ended up at Subway!! It was the only place open. Subways are cold, dirty, coffee is horrible......him and I dated 1 year. 

[simpycurious]

7 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

It's not really important where the first meeting is set up whether it's a coffee shop, a park, ice cream parlor, if it clicks it clicks no matter if it's a cheap coffee shop. Once this guy and I decided on a meeting at a coffee shop 'Second Cup', we arrive there it's closed. We go to Starbucks across the street, it's closed. We ended up at Subway!! It was the only place open. Subways are cold, dirty, coffee is horrible......him and I dated 1 year. 

See what's possible even over a BAD CUP OF COFFEE???? Well done Gaeta.

[sothereiwas]

11 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

We ended up at Subway!! It was the only place open. Subways are cold, dirty, coffee is horrible......him and I dated 1 year. 

Now we know the secret of success. 

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, sothereiwas said:

Now we know the secret of success. 

Yes you're finally understanding! Act like a gentleman and she'll forget she's sitting in a Subway. 

[simpycurious]

1 minute ago, Gaeta said:

Yes you're finally understanding! Act like a gentleman and she'll forget she's sitting in a Subway. 

And forget about who is or is not paying .............major break through