Gaeta Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 3 minutes ago, some_username1 said: Out of interest and with respect to the condemnation of 'rude' behaviour in this thread, would you have been so gracious if he called you to say he totally forgot about a quote he had asked for and could you re-schedule? Of course I would have understood. Forgetting things happens when we have a busy life. I was feeling awful and he felt I was sincere and I offered to meet a little later or the following day, as he wished and he picked to wait. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 18 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: I had to rethink this, but imagine I invite you to coffee. I show up early and get my own, but then make no effort to offer to buy coffee for you and simply let you go to get your own. I had to make an introspective examination on this issue and why the OP is upset...would you not hesitate for at least one moment and wonder why he couldn't have at least offered? Waited? I would of course get my own coffee and never have thought the less of you for it. 18 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: I am wondering if his showing up earlier was to do exactly what he did...pre-empt any obligation to buy for her. Well, given that he was also running late I doubt that was his master plan. But the fact it's mooted does say a lot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
some_username1 Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: Of course I would have understood. Forgetting things happens when we have a busy life. I was feeling awful and he felt I was sincere and I offered to meet a little later or the following day, as he wished and he picked to wait. Okay if you genuinely would then that's fair enough- given how this guy has been piled on for his behaviour which has been assumed to be nefarious I would imagine a guy who forgot an appointment would be given a similar hard time about not being able to get his timekeeping in order etc. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 14 minutes ago, sothereiwas said: I would of course get my own coffee and never have thought the less of you for it. Well, given that he was also running late I doubt that was his master plan. But the fact it's mooted does say a lot. I missed that he was running late as well. Oops. No master plan. I have to admit, it would make me feel a little uncomfortable showing up before my date and not offering to buy or at least wait. I have either bought or the lady has bought and this is almost always me doing the inviting. My current gf does insist on paying when she asks me out. Kind of cool considering... 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 4 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: I missed that he was running late as well. Oops. No master plan. My take on the scenario is that he was tight for time due to already running late, his date was running even MORE late, and so, weighing all that and the day he (probably) had ahead, he went on and started by himself. When she showed up he was already in progress and you know, stuff happens. I don't see the makings of a federal case here, just one or maybe two busy people trying to fit a first date into their schedules, but if it's a big deal to one or both then whatever. Life happens. But I tend to be pretty easy to get along with IRL whereas I know not everyone is like that, and some people actually like a little drama so again, whatever. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss2017 Posted February 25, 2020 Author Share Posted February 25, 2020 29 minutes ago, littleblackheart said: I hear you, but maybe your expectations of this complete stranger were too high on this occasion? I too go by the 'whoever invites pays' rule because I have done the inviting myself, and paid. It's not a gender thing, it's a courtesy thing. Same way as I would expect to pay my own way - I'm a not feminist, more of an egalitarian. Do you sometimes do the inviting yourself? If you never do (and even if you do, truthfully), I'd think it would help to be a lot more flexible and understand that he too will have his own set of standards, imo. Good luck for the next date Yes I have done the inviting myself and payed for the date, no big deal. It's a courtesy thing yes. Thank you! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 (edited) 6 minutes ago, sothereiwas said: My take on the scenario is that he was tight for time due to already running late, his date was running even MORE late, and so, weighing all that and the day he (probably) had ahead, he went on and started by himself. But, what is the main goal here? Drinking a coffee or meeting her? He prioritized drinking a coffee & cake. She was not late, she said she was late 2 mins, that's not late. And lets say he decided to be a gentleman and wait for her before ordering, so what if he cannot finish his coffee?? again Is the coffee the priority? or meeting her and making a good impression the priority! Edited February 25, 2020 by Gaeta 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss2017 Posted February 25, 2020 Author Share Posted February 25, 2020 6 minutes ago, sothereiwas said: My take on the scenario is that he was tight for time due to already running late, his date was running even MORE late, and so, weighing all that and the day he (probably) had ahead, he went on and started by himself. When she showed up he was already in progress and you know, stuff happens. I don't see the makings of a federal case here, just one or maybe two busy people trying to fit a first date into their schedules, but if it's a big deal to one or both then whatever. Life happens. But I tend to be pretty easy to get along with IRL whereas I know not everyone is like that, and some people actually like a little drama so again, whatever. No he wasn't tight for time. We met at 10am and he said he would only have to get back after 2pm. So no time wasn't an issue for him (or me), and he could have waited for me to arrive. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss2017 Posted February 25, 2020 Author Share Posted February 25, 2020 (edited) 2 minutes ago, Gaeta said: But, what is the main goal here? Drinking a coffee or meeting her? He prioritized drinking a coffee & cake. She was not late, she said she was late 2 mins, that's not late. And lets say he decided to be a gentleman and wait for her before ordering, so what if he cannot finish his coffee?? again Is the coffee the priority? or meeting her and making a good impression the priority! The priority is having courtesy and manners, which he clearly doesn't have. Edited February 25, 2020 by miss2017 2 Link to post Share on other sites
SummerDreams Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 1 hour ago, miss2017 said: He ASKED ME for a coffee, so yes I wouldn't want to give him money to go get my coffee because, again, HE asked me. Simple. "I'll treat her as a stranger for now until I feel there is potential there and then I'll start to treat her as something more". WOW, what a poor way of thinking and living. This feels like the story of treating the CEO better than the janitor. Sad, very sad. He asked you for a coffee in your eyes means he will pay for the coffee, for other people it doesn't mean that. For me it means he is interested in meeting me and the issue of money doesn't matter to me. I am searching for a good person, you are searching for someone who will be exactly how you want them. What a terrible disappointment are you going to have if you continue like this... Well a woman is OK to disregard someone cause he didn't pay for her coffee but a man is not allowed to treat someone as a stranger until they show him they are worth their respect... Sad, very sad. 4 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 Miss2017: Did he get up to welcome you or he remained seated with his mouth full ? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss2017 Posted February 25, 2020 Author Share Posted February 25, 2020 Just now, SummerDreams said: He asked you for a coffee in your eyes means he will pay for the coffee, for other people it doesn't mean that. For me it means he is interested in meeting me and the issue of money doesn't matter to me. I am searching for a good person, you are searching for someone who will be exactly how you want them. What a terrible disappointment are you going to have if you continue like this... Well a woman is OK to disregard someone cause he didn't pay for her coffee but a man is not allowed to treat someone as a stranger until they show him they are worth their respect... Sad, very sad. "a man is not allowed to treat someone as a stranger until they show him they are worth their respect.." What a sad sad mindset this is. I treat everyone with respect because they are human beings and they didn't disrespect me in any way. I don't have to be worth of respect of any man in order to treat me right. He has to treat me right from the start or I'm out. I have dated MANY men who weren't exactly how I want them just because I have to accommodate how the other is, and guess what, I was VERY disappointed by them, and especially disappointed at myself for not listening to my gut. Those days are gone. Now yes I only want to date a man that is EXACTLY how I want them to be, no settling for less. Because I deserve it. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author miss2017 Posted February 25, 2020 Author Share Posted February 25, 2020 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: Miss2017: Did he get up to welcome you or he remained seated with his mouth full ? He didn't get up at all. He remained seated and continued to eat his cake with his mouth full. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 7 minutes ago, Gaeta said: But, what is the main goal here? Drinking a coffee or meeting her? He prioritized drinking a coffee & cake. She was not late, she said she was late 2 mins In real life, my experience has been if someone says they're running late, even if they give a time estimate, you can't know how late they are going to actually be. If a free coffee was a key part of the date being early would certainly increase the odds of that happening. Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 Just now, miss2017 said: He didn't get up at all. He remained seated and continued to eat his cake with his mouth full. Yeah that's sort of crappy. He doesn't deserve you. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
dramallama Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 I haven't got through all of this as whether there's a right or a wrong, it's what it is at this point. However, I tend to avoid this situation as whenever I've had a first date I've told the guy that I hate wandering round hunting for someone in a busy venue (because I do, makes me feel really awkward) and could we meet outside the door. Then we've found a table together or gone to the bar together and ordering together comes naturally at that point. So perhaps if you take this approach in future, you'll have your expectations met. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 Just now, miss2017 said: He didn't get up at all. He remained seated and continued to eat his cake with his mouth full. Eeewwww!!!! no no no, he's a bum. No manners! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 Just now, Gaeta said: Eeewwww!!!! no no no, he's a bum. No manners! Oh - I was most concerned with eating cake at 10am, but I see your point. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 4 minutes ago, SummerDreams said: you are searching for someone who will be exactly how you want them In fairness, we are all entitled to our criteria for what 'a good person' is. It didn't work out, at least on her end. Best to leave it at that and not infer bad intentions on either of them (imo). 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 Just now, littleblackheart said: In fairness, we are all entitled to our criteria for what 'a good person' is. Seriously, give it a thought for a moment. You get in the coffee shop, you find the guy sitting at a table with his coffee and mouth full of cake and he doesn't even get up to greet you or to introduce himself, that's the man you'll want a 2nd date with? 1 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 1 minute ago, Gaeta said: Seriously, give it a thought for a moment. You get in the coffee shop, you find the guy sitting at a table with his coffee and mouth full of cake and he doesn't even get up to greet you or to introduce himself, that's the man you'll want a 2nd date with? The cake would def be a deal breaker for me, assuming appropriate pronoun modifications and so on. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
littleblackheart Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 I was actually defending the OP in that post, Gaeta :). in any event, what I 'see' is this that he too is entitled to his own criteria, and I'm not about to bear judgement this guy. The bottom line is, there won't be a second date; I see nothing to be gained in character assassinating this guy based on not much. 2 1 Link to post Share on other sites
sothereiwas Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 On 2/24/2020 at 11:17 AM, miss2017 said: Basically I paid for my coffee in a coffee date I was invited to. Was this really rude of him as I feel it was? Should I tell him the truth of I feel about it, or just let him go and not go on further dates? Thank you! Given that this was the initial complaint, I have to say I wasn't feeling it. Particularly given this: On 2/24/2020 at 11:17 AM, miss2017 said: When I arrived he was sitting upstairs and was already having a coffee and cake. We said hello, etc, I sat down next to him and he didn’t ask if I wanted coffee or anything... If it's THAT off putting I would think the thing to do would be walk away, get the coffee, and move on. Even after the sit down, if it's such a big deal, don't return. It apparently took over a day to realize how terrible the experience was. Drama. I'm just really thankful my life is full of people who are a little more live and let live minded. Just me I guess. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 6 minutes ago, littleblackheart said: I was actually defending the OP in that post, Gaeta That was a very passive defense lol, I understand from you that it's no ones place to judge him and put this on lack of compatibility. I'll translate that as you too wouldn't go on a 2nd date 😉 but you're not judging him. Link to post Share on other sites
Gaeta Posted February 25, 2020 Share Posted February 25, 2020 4 minutes ago, sothereiwas said: I'm just really thankful my life is full of people who are a little more live and let live minded. Just me I guess. It's not about live and let live. I am 100% live and let live, I don't care if my neighbor is married to a goat, it's his life but I wouldn't be impressed if he invited me over to discuss something and right before I arrive he serves himself coffee and cake, doesn't get up to welcome me, and talks to me with a full mouth without ever offering me something. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts