He asked me for a coffee date but then didn't pay for the coffee?

[miss2017]

I met this guy on an online dating app and after a few days texting he asked me for us to meet over coffee.

We agreed to meet on Saturday morning in a nice coffee shop near the beach and I told him I will be going earlier for a walk around there.
 

He said he could be a bit late because he was taking his daughter home but he would text me.

So on that day he was just 10 min late and texted me saying that, and then texted me again saying he arrived at the coffee shop and was going into the upstairs  and wait for me.

I told him I was walking and would be there in 2 minutes.

When I arrived he was sitting upstairs and was already having a coffee and cake. We said hello, etc, I sat down next to him and he didn’t ask if I wanted coffee or anything...

We talked for like 5 minutes and then I told him I was going downstairs to get a coffee for me. He said oh yes I already got one for me... 

So I went downstairs, got my coffee and came back upstairs. We talked for a while and then I said I have to go.

He texted me later that day saying he enjoyed meeting me and we have been texting everyday.

Then today he said he would like to see me again, and I just realized I how I was put off by his behaviour on our coffee date.

First of all he should have waited for me to arrive to get his coffee, second when I arrived he should have asked me what do I want to drink and go get a coffee for me, and even later when I said I was going dowsnstairs to get my coffee, he should have got up and said he will do that.

So he did none of this. And he was the one asking me for a coffee date! 

Basically I paid for my coffee in a coffee date I was invited to.

Was this really rude of him as I feel it was?

Should I tell him the truth of I feel about it, or just let him go and not go on further dates?

Thank you!

[SumGuy]

Rude depends on your cultural expectations.

It was however not for you.

Don't get me wrong, my cultural upbringing would be to wait a bit, but if I didn't would apologize couldn't wait (I am a coffee addict) and offer to get you a drink.

None the less, I don't read too much into such on a casual first meet.    Women I know wouldn't care much, they are used to doing for themselves.  Of course place that behavior in context with others and who knows. 

I get the whole gentlemen thing though and how that can be sexy, it's perfectly legit in my book if that is what you are looking for.   I chalk it up to compatibility and not some inherent character flaw.

[miss2017]

2 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Rude depends on your cultural expectations.

It was however not for you.

Don't get me wrong, my cultural upbringing would be to wait a bit, but if I didn't would apologize couldn't wait (I am a coffee addict) and offer to get you a drink.

None the less, I don't read too much into such on a casual first meet.    Women I know wouldn't care much, they are used to doing for themselves.  Of course place that behavior in context with others and who knows. 

I get the whole gentlemen thing though and how that can be sexy, it's perfectly legit in my book if that is what you are looking for.   I chalk it up to compatibility and not some inherent character flaw.

I didn’t say he has a character flaw but yes I feel he is not a gentleman and not aware of these things.

I like a man who is in his masculine energy and asks what I want to drink and gets it for me.

It shows good manners on a first date.

And is not just being a gentleman, it’s being nice in general because he was the one inviting me.

Yes it is down to compatibility.

[Gaeta]

22 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

When I arrived he was sitting upstairs and was already having a coffee and cake.

THIS exactly happened to me when I was dating. 

I arrived and stood up by his table and I said ' I am sorry, this is not going to work ', good luck in your search, and I left. He asked why I was so rude, I said he was the rude one for not waiting for me. He said he never waits for anyone and I was the 1st to not be happy with it. I said guess what!! up to now you're single so it appears I was not the only one unimpressed by it, I am just the only one with the guts to tell you. 

Edited February 24, 2020 by Gaeta

[miss2017]

3 minutes ago, Gaeta said:

THIS exactly happened to me when I was dating. 

I arrived and stood up by his table and I said ' I am sorry, this is not going to work ', good luck in your search, and I left. He asked why I was so rude, I said he was the rude one for not waiting for me. He said he never waits for anyone and I was the 1st to not be happy with it. I said guess what!! up to now you're single so it appears I was not the only one unimpressed by it, I am just the only one with the guts to tell you. 

Ah love it! 😊

[SumGuy]

15 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

I didn’t say he has a character flaw but yes I feel he is not a gentleman and not aware of these things.

I like a man who is in his masculine energy and asks what I want to drink and gets it for me.

It shows good manners on a first date.

And is not just being a gentleman, it’s being nice in general because he was the one inviting me.

Yes it is down to compatibility.

Just being preemptive as people seem to often jump to character flaw when it's just cultural IMHO.

I always thought asking if you want a drink and getting it for someone was good host and magnanimous energy, but hey I'll take masculine.

How I was raised its good manners as you say, but lived around enough and in enough circles in and outside the US to say it is not even a thing to some when its something so inexpensive to most like coffee.

I will also say it is kind of clueless on his part, as what you were looking for is pretty common in the US and easy to do.  Maybe this is part of his filtering process?

 

[miss2017]

3 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Just being preemptive as people seem to often jump to character flaw when it's just cultural IMHO.

I always thought asking if you want a drink and getting it for someone was good host and magnanimous energy, but hey I'll take masculine.

How I was raised its good manners as you say, but lived around enough and in enough circles in and outside the US to say it is not even a thing to some when its something so inexpensive to most like coffee.

I will also say it is kind of clueless on his part, as what you were looking for is pretty common in the US and easy to do.  Maybe this is part of his filtering process?

 

It’s not about the cost of the coffee, it’s about the behaviour and manners. To me it’s the same either is a $2 coffee or a $50 dinner or even more. It shows how he is.

Maybe is part of his filtering process but it was also a filter to me.

It felt really really bad to me and I don’t wanna see him again. Just deciding if I tell him why or not.

[simpycurious]

I agree with Miss....he should have paid for her coffee.  There is still a place in this world for common courtesy and etiquette. 

[d0nnivain]

47 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

Was this really rude of him as I feel it was?

Should I tell him the truth of I feel about it, or just let him go and not go on further dates?

It wasn't the most gracious thing but it was an issue for you & you are allowed to feel the way you do  Read the paying for dates thread.  

Since you didn't like it, just write him off as you two being incompatible.  You aren't going to change him.  He won't feel bad.  No matter what you do he will think poorly of women on line.  If you say something you will be an entitled witch; when you don't go out with him again he will deem you a flake.  Fortunately his opinion doesn't matter. 

Next & be done with him.  

[miss2017]

3 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

I agree with Miss....he should have paid for her coffee.  There is still a place in this world for common courtesy and etiquette. 

Exactly what I think. And if he shows this lack of courtesy and manners in such a simple thing such as a coffee date, I can imagine what would be happening further down the road.

He basically shows he only thinks about himself and is not on a mindset for a relationship where you have to think about the other.

When I went downstairs to get my coffee I asked him if he wanted me to bring him anything else! Because I have good manners and I have the mindset of a relationship. 

He just showed he doesn’t.

[simpycurious]

Just now, miss2017 said:

Exactly what I think. And if he shows this lack of courtesy and manners in such a simple thing such as a coffee date, I can imagine what would be happening further down the road.

He basically shows he only thinks about himself and is not on a mindset for a relationship where you have to think about the other.

When I went downstairs to get my coffee I asked him if he wanted me to bring him anything else! Because I have good manners and I have the mindset of a relationship. 

He just showed he doesn’t.

Why is being a gentleman or having a tad bit chivalry a bad thing in today's dating world?

Don't put up with it Miss...

[miss2017]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

It wasn't the most gracious thing but it was an issue for you & you are allowed to feel the way you do  Read the paying for dates thread.  

Since you didn't like it, just write him off as you two being incompatible.  You aren't going to change him.  He won't feel bad.  No matter what you do he will think poorly of women on line.  If you say something you will be an entitled witch; when you don't go out with him again he will deem you a flake.  Fortunately his opinion doesn't matter. 

Next & be done with him.  

You are right. I’m just gonna delete his number and that’s it. No reason given.

[miss2017]

1 minute ago, simpycurious said:

Why is being a gentleman or having a tad bit chivalry a bad thing in today's dating world?

Don't put up with it Miss...

Not a bad thing at all. Actually it makes a man stand out from the rest and shows he knows how to treat a woman.

[preraph]

He invited you and it was a first date and therefore you two had no agreements other than the existing etiquette.  If it were the sixth date and on the fifth date, you two would have talked about splitting bills or if you had invited him instead of him inviting you, that would be another matter.  

 

What is frightening is this is him on his BEST behavior, a first date, FFS!  They only go downhill from there, and he doesn't have much lower to go, so yeah........next him.  I think you should tell him, too.  Say, first dates are on their best behavior, and you asked me for coffee and then didn't even offer me one, much less pay for it.  So ba-bye.

[SumGuy]

21 minutes ago, miss2017 said:

It’s not about the cost of the coffee, it’s about the behaviour and manners. To me it’s the same either is a $2 coffee or a $50 dinner or even more. It shows how he is.

Maybe is part of his filtering process but it was also a filter to me.

It felt really really bad to me and I don’t wanna see him again. Just deciding if I tell him why or not.

Agreed.

I wouldn't bother to explain, and just tell him not feeling compatible or not feeling the spark.  Both of which are true.  Why open the door to potential argument.

[miss2017]

4 minutes ago, preraph said:

He invited you and it was a first date and therefore you two had no agreements other than the existing etiquette.  If it were the sixth date and on the fifth date, you two would have talked about splitting bills or if you had invited him instead of him inviting you, that would be another matter.  

 

What is frightening is this is him on his BEST behavior, a first date, FFS!  They only go downhill from there, and he doesn't have much lower to go, so yeah........next him.  I think you should tell him, too.  Say, first dates are on their best behavior, and you asked me for coffee and then didn't even offer me one, much less pay for it.  So ba-bye.

I do feel I should say something yes. And you are right, if this is his best behaviour I don’t wanna see his not so best one. I’m out before that.

[mortensorchid]

That was totally rude of him not to buy you a coffee.  In the recent past I have had a lot of dates where the man didn't buy me a drink / coffee.  In some cases he didn't even buy himself something!  One I walked in and he said he already ate, if I want to eat something go right ahead.  I didn't, I got water.  Next time this happens (to me and I would suggest to you) that you should say to him "Thanks for being so rude.  When you're ready to take me or another woman out on an actual date, then call me."  And walk out. 

[miss2017]

Just now, SumGuy said:

Agreed.

I wouldn't bother to explain, and just tell him not feeling compatible or not feeling the spark.  Both of which are true.  Why open the door to potential argument.

That depends on how I tell him. It only leads to an argument if I am angry or such, but if I tell him in a polite way there will be no argument, at least not from me.

[miss2017]

1 minute ago, mortensorchid said:

That was totally rude of him not to buy you a coffee.  In the recent past I have had a lot of dates where the man didn't buy me a drink / coffee.  In some cases he didn't even buy himself something!  One I walked in and he said he already ate, if I want to eat something go right ahead.  I didn't, I got water.  Next time this happens (to me and I would suggest to you) that you should say to him "Thanks for being so rude.  When you're ready to take me or another woman out on an actual date, then call me."  And walk out. 

I should have done that, when I went downstairs to get my coffee I should have left instead.

[Silver_star]

If you have already decided not to see him again over this then you only have one question on whether or not to tell him. You can if you want...but does it matter at this point?

Can't you just chalk it up to not being compatible and call it a day?

It's really up to you if you want to throw away the date over the coffee buying etiquette. It has less to do with him and more to do with you and your "standards" or deal breakers. You are assuming he is rude or not a gentleman based off him not buying you a coffee..and if you were so put off why didn't you turn around and walk out? see, It doesnt feel good to tell people what they should have done in a particular moment does it? And there is a lot of judgement and assumptions we make about someones character when we do that. When you say he should've done this ,or that...it's all good and well but he didn't know how you would respond to him buying his coffee while he waited for you, maybe the last woman he dated was independent and bought her own coffee when she was waiting and did not see it as a slight. 

 He did not do anything inherently wrong by the sounds of it, because you continued on with the date...maybe you are trying to give yourself an out for him, because if you were really interested in who he is this one social blunder wouldn't have been a deal breaker, and on the second date you could make a better judgement about his behaviors on being generous.

 

[SumGuy]

23 minutes ago, simpycurious said:

I agree with Miss....he should have paid for her coffee.  There is still a place in this world for common courtesy and etiquette. 

Oye, I agreed he should have paid for her coffee, and even waited especially if nice out.  However "common courtesy and etiquette" are culture dependent.  Nothing wrong with wanting someone that shares the same cultural view, I do too,...just realize what you think of as universal rarely is.

[smackie9]

It was not really a date but more of a meet up....not uncommon to pay for your own. I don't see why he had to pay. I feel paying is optional.

[basil67]

How well did you get on with him?   If you didn't vibe, then the whole complaining about him not paying and starting without you is a moot point.   But if the two of you got on with him really well, then I would give him a second chance.   If he takes you on an actual date, he may well start to treat you as a potential girlfriend rather than a casual meetup. 

[preraph]

I would tell him why and then block him so you don't have to listen to his excuses.  

[Ruby Slippers]

He has no manners.

I agree with @SumGuy that it's pointless and possibly risky to tell him why you don't want to see him again. A guy like this who has no manners isn't going to respond well to feedback on it.