What have I done? I am so hurt.

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, hissecret said:

Honestly, I don't want him to choose me. I want him to choose himself

If this forum is anything to go by, you will not be disappointed, he WILL choose exactly what is best for; himself, they usually do..
 

[pepperbird]

4 hours ago, Prudence V said:

For millions of good reasons. There have been countless threads on that topic before. Consensus is that 1) the BS doesn’t appreciate it, mostly doesn’t believe it, and seldom responds well; 2) the OW may be putting herself in real danger; 3) the OW’s loyalty is to the MM, not to his BW. The person who owes her loyalty, if any is owed, is the MM. It’s his role to tell her, not the OW. 

you have a very different take on this than most BS have seen on here. Most say they want to know. The OW is rarely in any danger, and the only real risk is to the WS and OW/OM that the affair may get blown out of the water and end.
I have actually seen more than a few threads on here by OW who, after the affair is over feel terrible about what they did. The dishonesty and the deception doesn't mesh with their psyche. Over time, it eats away at them.

 

Edited March 21, 2020 by pepperbird

[hissecret]

7 minutes ago, JTSW said:

If you grew up with people like that no wonder you're having an affair. 

If players are the norm for you then I dread to think of all the unsavoury characters you associated with. 

No, being a player is not normal for normal people. 

I don't know of any "players". Players are people that deceptively make people assume they are in a committed relationship with numerous people. Everyone thinking "they are the one" I don't know anyone of a sort. I know people that when we were young, they didn't prioritize anyone. As they were DATING and free to DATE whomever they wanted until they decided to commit. That is what usually happens in dating. There is a difference between someone being a player and dating.

Edited March 21, 2020 by hissecret

[Allupinnit]

@hissecret - I am not naive in that I know that happy marriages do NOT happen by accident, they are work - you'd be surprised what my H and I have come back from and are happy today, but it's not because we always felt "in love" with each other.  I am so thankful that he didn't take a gf and instead put the hard work in with me.  We have reaped tremendous rewards.

I also know that people lie to themselves every single day in subtle ways that lead to where you are right now.  We are the masters at selling ourselves on horrible ideas.  

 

 

[Allupinnit]

Also if he's 39 and his kid is 14 then he was 25 when the kid was born unless I'm losing it.

[hissecret]

51 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

@hissecret - I am not naive in that I know that happy marriages do NOT happen by accident, they are work - you'd be surprised what my H and I have come back from and are happy today, but it's not because we always felt "in love" with each other.  I am so thankful that he didn't take a gf and instead put the hard work in with me.  We have reaped tremendous rewards.

I also know that people lie to themselves every single day in subtle ways that lead to where you are right now.  We are the masters at selling ourselves on horrible ideas.  

 

 

And that is beautiful! Sometimes you do work at something though and the results aren't the same. Everyones stories are different! 

 

I do appreciate your thoughts and opinions! 

Edited March 21, 2020 by hissecret

[hissecret]

17 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

Also if he's 39 and his kid is 14 then he was 25 when the kid was born unless I'm losing it.

Oh you aren't losing it! Those are extreme typos and I don't even know how that even happened. (probably my child being in my hair lol) He is not 39 nor is his oldest 14. smh but know that he did have his first child at 20. that detail is CORRECT. 

[Prudence V]

On 3/21/2020 at 5:29 PM, pepperbird said:

The OW is rarely in any danger

Would you want to take the risk that you might be one of the “rare” cases? Reading the thread in Infidelity on the revenge fantasies some BS have would give any OW pause for thought before informing a BS. Especially when so many BS over there say yes, they’d like to know - but not from the OW. An OW who has children has a duty to protect herself for her kids, not expose them to the risks of an unbalanced BS (and there have been stories on here of the BW showing up at the OW’s home and terrifying the OW’s kids). 

[Starswillshine]

39 minutes ago, Prudence V said:

Would you want to take the risk that you might be one of the “rare” cases? Reading the thread in Infidelity on the revenge fantasies some BS have would give any OW pause for thought before informing a BS. Especially when so many BS over there say yes, they’d like to know - but not from the OW. An OW who has children has a duty to protect herself for her kids, not expose them to the risks of an unbalanced BS (and there have been stories on here of the BW showing up at the OW’s home and terrifying the OW’s kids). 

As a former BS, I wanted to know. And I didnt care who it came from. I just wanted truth. And if I were still living in lala land unaware, i would still want someone, ANYONE to tell me. 

OP and MP should all be aware that an affair can be traumatizing to people and there can be consequences. Unfortunately, consequences to the BS as well.... because many OW turn crazy, too and take it out on the BS when things dont go the way it was promised to them. (And in some cases, not even promised). 

[Allupinnit]

1 hour ago, Prudence V said:

Would you want to take the risk that you might be one of the “rare” cases? Reading the thread in Infidelity on the revenge fantasies some BS have would give any OW pause for thought before informing a BS. Especially when so many BS over there say yes, they’d like to know - but not from the OW. An OW who has children has a duty to protect herself for her kids, not expose them to the risks of an unbalanced BS (and there have been stories on here of the BW showing up at the OW’s home and terrifying the OW’s kids). 

This could all be avoided by not sleeping with another woman's husband behind her back.  You know, making better choices and living with fewer regrets.

[stillafool]

7 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

This could all be avoided by not sleeping with another woman's husband behind her back.  You know, making better choices and living with fewer regrets.

Oh, c'mon, now you're just making too much sense.

[pepperbird]

2 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

As a former BS, I wanted to know. And I didnt care who it came from. I just wanted truth. And if I were still living in lala land unaware, i would still want someone, ANYONE to tell me. 

OP and MP should all be aware that an affair can be traumatizing to people and there can be consequences. Unfortunately, consequences to the BS as well.... because many OW turn crazy, too and take it out on the BS when things dont go the way it was promised to them. (And in some cases, not even promised). 

Affairs can often be very painful for all three parties. Pretending otherwise doesn't change that.

[mark clemson]

On 3/21/2020 at 6:06 AM, Prudence V said:

the OW may be putting herself in real danger

Respectfully would say the real risk is extremely low. We've discussed this in other threads, but it's been a few months so a pain to look up.

While there are no hard numbers, it's reasonable to believe actual violence due to an affair is quite rare. Possibly on the order of risk of a plane flight or similar. The reason for that guesstimate is that something like 20-25% of people cheat at some point in their lives. If even 1% of them were being assaulted/killed by BS's or APs, it would almost certainly be treated as a public health issue, possibly somewhat similarly to the flu (but with classes, counseling and crisis call centers instead of inoculations).

That said, it IS true that once in a while someone "snaps" and so we get these occasional gruesome news stories, etc. But given the likely probability of all the cheating going on, violence almost certainly must be quite rare. It's also worth noting that it appears at least equally likely for an AP or WS to target a BS apparently, to "get them out of the way" or similar.

So, OP, unless you have some reason to believe MM or BS (or you) has mental illness or otherwise might "snap", while you SHOULD remain cautious, you probably don't need to worry TOO much about this. If you're genuinely worried about being one of the unlucky 1/25,000 (or whatever the actual risk number might be), I agree that the wise move would be to end the affair and go NC.

[Noproblem]

I think you deserve better than a married man who is cheating on  his wife just because they don't see eye to eye!

[BaileyB]

4 hours ago, Noproblem said:

I think you deserve better than a married man who is cheating on his wife just because they don't see eye to eye!

For what it’s worth, I think she is exactly where she wants to be right now.

Edited March 24, 2020 by BaileyB

[elaine567]

2 hours ago, BaileyB said:

For what it’s worth, I think she is exactly where she wants to be right now.

Agreed posted in a panic, "He has disappeared - woe is me"
Later he reappears " All is well in the world"

Typical push/pull.
Most find it gets old after a while and mentally deranging.

[hissecret]

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

Agreed posted in a panic, "He has disappeared - woe is me"
Later he reappears " All is well in the world"

Typical push/pull.
Most find it gets old after a while and mentally deranging.

Hi Elaine! While i appreciate your shortened version, that is not exactly quite it. 

User posted because she was confused and hurt at how someone can just state a fact and then not contact (because I am an extreme over communicator), person in question comes back and explains the whole situation and come to found out, everything that happened, came from my side of the fence. And explained to poster, that is how he facilitates things in general. We talked about conflict resolution for future reference and now all is well with the world.

While some posters may seem like the majority is the same, some aren't...everyone isn't reading from the same book here...

 

 

[heartwhole2]

On 3/8/2020 at 8:01 PM, hissecret said:

@Hip Pocket Thank you again!!! And yes it is so difficult to break away from such a long term relationship including children. There are SO MANY layers. And the problem I have with some responses is that people really speak as if it is extremely easy. The mental games that you play with yourself, all the things that you are weighing in on...sooo much! I would NEVER make him make a decision like that until he was good and ready. NO ONE could have told me to leave mine. NO ONE! 

I am enjoying it for what it is, friendship, connection, compatibility and the genuine romanticism of it all! 

I encourage you to contemplate these words of yours. From the outside looking in, it feels like you are doubling down on fairly flimsy logic because you are encountering push-back and criticism. And of course it's your life and you don't have to justify to anyone else. But should you have to contradict yourself in order to maintain your position? 

[pepperbird]

10 hours ago, heartwhole2 said:

I encourage you to contemplate these words of yours. From the outside looking in, it feels like you are doubling down on fairly flimsy logic because you are encountering push-back and criticism. And of course it's your life and you don't have to justify to anyone else. But should you have to contradict yourself in order to maintain your position? 

mental gymnastics I guess. we all do it to a certain extent.

[Bittersweetie]

3 hours ago, pepperbird said:

mental gymnastics I guess. we all do it to a certain extent.

I have to say that there was no other time in my life that I did the mental gymnastics more than when I was in my affair. The lengths my brain would go to in order to make what I was doing okay is now mind-boggling to me. The only positive to come out of it is now I recognize when I'm doing it in regards to any topic.

[Prudence V]

On 3/23/2020 at 7:32 PM, mark clemson said:

Respectfully would say the real risk is extremely low.

Extreme cases are rare, but less extreme cases notsomuch. BWs going round to the OW’s workplace and creating a scene. BWs trying to get the Ow fired, of the OW and MM work together. BWs trying to damage the OW’s reputation professionally, in the community, or online - all par for the course, on these boards. 

[mark clemson]

@Prudence V Yes, that is true, IMO. There does appear to be lots of "reputation" and other social risk, including jobs sometimes.

[pepperbird]

2 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Extreme cases are rare, but less extreme cases notsomuch. BWs going round to the OW’s workplace and creating a scene. BWs trying to get the Ow fired, of the OW and MM work together. BWs trying to damage the OW’s reputation professionally, in the community, or online - all par for the course, on these boards. 

Even these are rare. How many BS out of the millions around the world actually post on here? The proportion of these is very low. Add to that the fact that very few threads on here even mention the type of thing you talk about, and the risk is minimal. At worst, it usually amount to nothing worse than a nasty email or phone call.
 

[Amethyst68]

10 hours ago, Prudence V said:

Extreme cases are rare, but less extreme cases notsomuch. BWs going round to the OW’s workplace and creating a scene. BWs trying to get the Ow fired, of the OW and MM work together. BWs trying to damage the OW’s reputation professionally, in the community, or online - all par for the course, on these boards. 

Where on these boards? I've been reading a long time and quite frankly haven't seen very few of what you've describing. I've read some BS describe how their BS had to face the consequences of having an affair with someone they they work with but that's what a consequence is. The AP is not blameless and if they choose to flout their workplace HR restrictions then they face the consequences like everyone else.

I've read just as many of the AP tormenting the BS. Thankfully, neither is a common phenomenon.

I've said it before here, the only people I ever see don't tell are previous or active cheaters.

[mark clemson]

To be fair to @Prudence V there is a woman who believes she may be a BW plotting how to ruin a possible OW's life (if she can) right now on this board. So it does happen. There was another one a few months back that I distinctly recall as well. So it does happen. Not sure how common it actually is, but I suspect it's quite a bit more common than violence. "Tell the AP's partner" is common advice on this board (and apparently among some MC's who specialize in infidelity as well). That doesn't apply here, and can be done with either ethical or vengeful intent, but either way it can sometimes have a very significant negative impact on the AP's life (e.g. divorce or similar).

Expose the affair at a place of work is also common advice given here (or used to be at least) and again can have major consequences for an AP.

Whether you agree with those practices or not, there is a lot of social risk IF a BS decides to do either. So, my sense is Prudence is correct. Even a 5% chance of "having your life blown up" is kind of major IMO.