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What have I done? I am so hurt.

hissecret

By hissecret
in The Other Man / Woman

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Tristian
Message added by Tristian

As has become my standard warning in this forum: This is the OM/OW forum, everyone knows what is discussed here. If you find that topic distasteful or have a hard time remaining civil then this is not the place for you.

Let's save the bickering for another venue and keep our replies focused on the OPs situation.

While the thread author can add an update and reopen discussion, this thread was last posted in over a month ago. Want to continue the conversation? Feel free to start a new thread instead!

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hissecret Member

hissecret

Posted
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26 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Win what? He's not a prize. 

Sounds like he had so many women vying for his attention he loved it. 

when you are young, you are supposed to be sewing your wild oats as they say. He is young and single. Lol He is supposed to love it! 

At that age, I was trying to "win" too and I did...trying to hold out the longest so you can be the last one standing..its not a win hence "win" but at the age we think it is

Allupinnit Established Member

Allupinnit

Posted
Posted

You are making so many terrible judgements about a woman you do not know based on what the man WHO MADE PROMISES TO HER is telling you.  You know that it takes two, don't you?  I'm sure his having a side piece does wonders for his marriage and intimacy. LOL

I sometimes honestly think one of the worst part of affairs is how they pit women against each other.  Over some loser, no less.

You can tell yourself that you'd love him so much better than her and how he never really loved her way back then if it helps you sleep at night.  

I need a break from this part of LS.  

  • Like 7
Starswillshine Established Member

Starswillshine

Posted
Posted
1 hour ago, hissecret said:

 

At that age, I was trying to "win" too and I did...trying to hold out the longest so you can be the last one standing..its not a win hence "win" but at the age we think it is

Even at that age, I was monogamous and expected anyone I dated and had sexual relations with to be as well. The idea of winning a man is pretty disgusting. I'm worth more than having to battle someone to "win". I understood that very early. 

  • Like 3
mark clemson Established Member

mark clemson

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, hissecret said:

. I have a whole career, a whole child, and other things on my plate. He is an addition to what I have going on. Maybe he makes it into the priority list, years from now. but right now, no one is waiting for anyone.

So you are seeing other people too? Men who are available to be with you full time?

You're a free woman after all...

  • Like 1
JTSW Established Member

JTSW

Posted
Posted
3 hours ago, hissecret said:

when you are young, you are supposed to be sewing your wild oats as they say. He is young and single. Lol He is supposed to love it! 

Sounds like you really are trying to convince yourself that his behavior, and yours for that matter, is OK. 

It's not. 

Only players play the field with multiple women at once. 

You are going to end up with your heart broken. 

  • Like 1
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hissecret Member

hissecret

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5 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

You are making so many terrible judgements about a woman you do not know based on what the man WHO MADE PROMISES TO HER is telling you.  You know that it takes two, don't you?  I'm sure his having a side piece does wonders for his marriage and intimacy. LOL

I sometimes honestly think one of the worst part of affairs is how they pit women against each other.  Over some loser, no less.

You can tell yourself that you'd love him so much better than her and how he never really loved her way back then if it helps you sleep at night.  

I need a break from this part of LS.  

Hi! It absolutely takes two! And I definitely do not make judgements, I go by...facts. I also know for a fact they have not been intimate in well over a year. I definitely hope she sees the light as well. Like I told him, she deserves happiness as well. Someone she is more compatible with. Someone that she is not there because it's all she's known. 

Nothing helps me sleep better at night more so than knowing my child is safe. 

I wouldn't love him *better* I would love him how I would love him. Everyone loves different (a part of compatibility) and it just so happens we mesh in that department. She loves him how she loves him and he still loves her just not romantically ..I have nothing to do with that.

You spoke on judgements, but the majority of this board judges OW and mostly MM. It's disheartening.

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hissecret Member

hissecret

Posted
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4 hours ago, Starswillshine said:

Even at that age, I was monogamous and expected anyone I dated and had sexual relations with to be as well. The idea of winning a man is pretty disgusting. I'm worth more than having to battle someone to "win". I understood that very early. 

None of my friends at that age were monogamous but me. I was the "good girl" of our group. And none of my male friends, cousins, family members at that age were dating exclusively at that age. We were in college and they were in fraternities and having the best times of their lives! 

I do agree with winning a man is disgusting. Young minds think crazy things..

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hissecret Member

hissecret

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3 hours ago, mark clemson said:

So you are seeing other people too? Men who are available to be with you full time?

You're a free woman after all...

Hi Mark! I do not see other people (physical and spending my precious time that I hardly have), but I do absolutely chat with other men. 

I am a FREE and CLEAR woman :) ..absolutely

There is NO man that is my priority right now.. ;) 

  • Like 1
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hissecret Member

hissecret

Posted
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2 hours ago, JTSW said:

Sounds like you really are trying to convince yourself that his behavior, and yours for that matter, is OK. 

It's not. 

Only players play the field with multiple women at once. 

You are going to end up with your heart broken. 

Hello! I will have to disagree with this. Most young people play the field. I would hope they aren't tied down to one person at that tender age as they don't even know who they are yet! I wish I wasn't hung up on someone so early, I am sure life would of turned out completely different! lol But it is a great life nonetheless!

"Players play the field with multiple women at once"-if you are SINGLE, and you are trying to find out what you like-why NOT???

I don't understand how people think that being young, you should be in a fully committed relationship

but again these are my opinions...

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

Whether he was a player or not as a young man is moot, at the moment he has two women in tow...

Amethyst68 Established Member

Amethyst68

Posted
Posted

So why the change in tone fromfirstafirst  post where you were miserable and hurt to this version where you sound almost cocky about both the affair and your MM. There's been no change in your circumstances that I've missed has there?

  • Like 1
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
On 3/7/2020 at 6:05 PM, hissecret said:

An update for the whole thread. About a day after I posted this, he contacted me with much dialogue. Going into detail what information was brought to him. Not digging into deep, the information was indeed correct and surprisingly, came from my side of the fence. Someone snooped on me and in turn found out information that no one was privy to but only to him and I. It is a very crazy world. We have been in heavy correspondence and have been trying to figure it all out.

^^^ @Amethyst68

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hissecret Member

hissecret

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7 minutes ago, Amethyst68 said:

So why the change in tone fromfirstafirst  post where you were miserable and hurt to this version where you sound almost cocky about both the affair and your MM. There's been no change in your circumstances that I've missed has there?

Hi! As stated before, I was hurt in 1. how the information presented itself (lack of clarity and the timing of it all) 2. How he chose to send a message and disappear. In which we

a. figured out the what, why and hows of what happened which was something on MY end

b. He relayed to me that was how he dealt with issues-by disappearing and then coming back-he hates confrontation in which he now knows-that is now how we will be getting our problems solved, we will talk like adults and get to the bottom of things (another joy of getting to know someone, etc)

Definitely not cocky. I had all of these sentiments before. I didn't like the vagueness of information shared and how he handled it.

 

 

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

This is exactly how these weak guys act and why he is in an affair and not getting a divorce.
He has avoided confrontation all his life, he ain't going to change for you or for anyone.
He will do this to you again and again, whenever the going gets tough, and each time he will chip away at your very being. your self esteem, your confidence, your sense of self worth.
His excuses will sound so plausible...ánd you will forgive him, a few ILYs thrown in your direction will always work
Logic will be replaced with irrationality as you strive to keep him.
The lows will be so low and when he returns as they tend to do, the highs will be so high
...until the next time...

Allupinnit Established Member

Allupinnit

Posted
Posted (edited)

I honestly think that some women truly enjoy being the other woman.  Username checks out.

How can you possibly know what's "good" for his wife LOL - you assume she stays because she doesn't know any better...?  Perhaps you could lend a helping hand and clue her in to what her husband is really up to so she can, as you say, find her true happiness.

Edited by Allupinnit
pepperbird Established Member

pepperbird

Posted
Posted

op,

this is just my opinion. you may or may not agree. without starting a discussion about how his BS acts, I see cheating on someone as a form of abuse. It may not be physical, but to me, it's a form of emotional abuse.
I don' think you're a bad person, I don't think his wife is a bad person, FWIW, I don't think the mm is a bad person. Your relationship with him isn't even, in and of itself, "bad", but the situation is. You are helping him to hurt his wife, and even though you don't like to talk about that, I get the sense that bothers you.
Why not tell her? Let her in on this secret? After all, isn't she one of the three people who are most impacted by it? In fact, it even affects her more than  you. If she knows the truth, the playing field will be levelled. She can make informed choices about her life and, although it may be hard to believe, it may even lift a huge weight from her mind and shoulders. It can help your mm who seems reluctant to walk away from his marriage, and you'll know that at least his wife knows the truth know and can make decisions accordingly.

I count myself lucky my husband told me he'd been cheating instead of letting me go on like that. At least I knew I wasn't going crazy. (yes, I know how 🤮 that sounds)

 

  • Like 4
Prudence V Established Member

Prudence V

Posted
Posted
56 minutes ago, pepperbird said:

Why not tell her?

For millions of good reasons. There have been countless threads on that topic before. Consensus is that 1) the BS doesn’t appreciate it, mostly doesn’t believe it, and seldom responds well; 2) the OW may be putting herself in real danger; 3) the OW’s loyalty is to the MM, not to his BW. The person who owes her loyalty, if any is owed, is the MM. It’s his role to tell her, not the OW. 

  • Like 2
elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted

4) the MM dumps the OW immediately, as the wife was NEVER supposed to find out.
He tries to claw back his marriage. and dumping the OW is often part of the deal. 
A while later he may also try to claw back the OW, especially if the wife wants to divorce or he misses having two women in tow.

Rarely is it a good idea for the OW to tell the wife to "free" up the MM.
He often doesn't really want to be "free", that wasn't really his intention. 

  • Like 4
JTSW Established Member

JTSW

Posted
Posted
14 hours ago, hissecret said:

Hello! I will have to disagree with this. Most young people play the field. I would hope they aren't tied down to one person at that tender age as they don't even know who they are yet! I wish I wasn't hung up on someone so early, I am sure life would of turned out completely different! lol But it is a great life nonetheless!

"Players play the field with multiple women at once"-if you are SINGLE, and you are trying to find out what you like-why NOT???

I don't understand how people think that being young, you should be in a fully committed relationship

but again these are my opinions...

You are the only one who disagrees. 

What does that tell you? 

No, most people are NOT players at a young age, or any age. 

It's not a common thing in all men as you seem to think it is. 

Again, you are just trying to convince yourself all this is normal and OK. 

It's not! 

  • Like 1
Allupinnit Established Member

Allupinnit

Posted
Posted
On 2/29/2020 at 11:56 AM, hissecret said:

I am 40, he is 39. His kids are 14 and 6.

I just wanted to come back to this.  You say he was early 20's and EVERYONE was messing around with everyone back then, but he was 25 when he became a father.  He didn't have to marry her.  That's way past frat party age.  And if he was SO UNHAPPY, why have another kid with her another 8 years later into the marriage?

I was also rather disappointed when I saw that you are 40.  I am your age and can't imagine having such a naive view of love and relationships.  I also just read that he calls you all day every day during this quarantine..  It's only a matter of time before she catches him again.  Does she check the cell phone bill?  If she comes to a forum like this they're going to advise her to go all Inspector Gadget on his ass, like tracking devices and recorders and stuff. 

If he's so invested in you and so meh about her, why hasn't he left after the almost year you've been involved with him?  I'm a stepmom, kids survive divorce.

I fear you're going to be incredibly broken hearted when she catches him and he goes cold on you again.  

  • Like 3
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hissecret Member

hissecret

Posted
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5 hours ago, Allupinnit said:

I honestly think that some women truly enjoy being the other woman.  Username checks out.

How can you possibly know what's "good" for his wife LOL - you assume she stays because she doesn't know any better...?  Perhaps you could lend a helping hand and clue her in to what her husband is really up to so she can, as you say, find her true happiness.

 

3 hours ago, JTSW said:

You are the only one who disagrees. 

What does that tell you? 

No, most people are NOT players at a young age, or any age. 

It's not a common thing in all men as you seem to think it is. 

Again, you are just trying to convince yourself all this is normal and OK. 

It's not! 

Hi @JTSW it honestly tells me nothing. Different strokes for different folks. Again, everyone that I know at 17/18/19/20 up until about 28 have dated around because well, they are young and able to do so. Prioritizing school, careers, etc and not a relationship. 

And it is actually quite normal. 

elaine567 Established Member

elaine567

Posted
Posted
23 hours ago, hissecret said:

At that age, I was trying to "win" too and I did...trying to hold out the longest so you can be the last one standing..its not a win hence "win" but at the age we think it is

You are still doing it.
Hoping if you manage to stick in there long enough, he will choose you...

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hissecret Member

hissecret

Posted
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Posted
28 minutes ago, Allupinnit said:

I just wanted to come back to this.  You say he was early 20's and EVERYONE was messing around with everyone back then, but he was 25 when he became a father.  He didn't have to marry her.  That's way past frat party age.  And if he was SO UNHAPPY, why have another kid with her another 8 years later into the marriage?

I was also rather disappointed when I saw that you are 40.  I am your age and can't imagine having such a naive view of love and relationships.  I also just read that he calls you all day every day during this quarantine..  It's only a matter of time before she catches him again.  Does she check the cell phone bill?  If she comes to a forum like this they're going to advise her to go all Inspector Gadget on his ass, like tracking devices and recorders and stuff. 

If he's so invested in you and so meh about her, why hasn't he left after the almost year you've been involved with him?  I'm a stepmom, kids survive divorce.

I fear you're going to be incredibly broken hearted when she catches him and he goes cold on you again.  

Hi @Allupinnit! No he was early 20's when he became a father. 19/20. He married after dating some more and decided his child needed to be in the same household (years later) he couldn't even drink legally when he had a child. 

So even at our age, you should definitely have a wider scope of how things are not black and white and how things are never as it may seem...

He does call me everyday. She didn't "catch" him this time. He handles all household everything. 

He had a child years into the marriage the same reason why I had a child 14 years into mine (7 of those already unhappy) He hasn't left her the same reason why I didn't leave my relationship. It seems you have a very small scope on how unhappiness in relationships/marriages work. It's not just easy to pick up and leave because you are unhappy. There are layers. 

Almost a year involved with me and him leaving? I don't want him to. My goodness. If he does leave, that will be solely on him. Again, no one could of told me to leave my 18 year relationship. No one. It took me 11 years of unhappiness to finally get the balls to leave. The audacity people have to tell them when and how to leave something they invested many years in..that's not how it works..

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hissecret Member

hissecret

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Posted
4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You are still doing it.
Hoping if you manage to stick in there long enough, he will choose you...

Thank you @elaine567 for your thoughts and opinions! 

Honestly, I don't want him to choose me. I want him to choose himself. 

JTSW Established Member

JTSW

Posted
Posted
19 minutes ago, hissecret said:

 

Hi @JTSW it honestly tells me nothing. Different strokes for different folks. Again, everyone that I know at 17/18/19/20 up until about 28 have dated around because well, they are young and able to do so. Prioritizing school, careers, etc and not a relationship. 

And it is actually quite normal. 

If you grew up with people like that no wonder you're having an affair. 

If players are the norm for you then I dread to think of all the unsavoury characters you associated with. 

No, being a player is not normal for normal people. 

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