What have I done? I am so hurt.

[vla1120]

21 hours ago, hissecret said:

We eventually started dating....

He wasn't "dating" you. He was sneaking around with you behind his wife's back, and yet, bold enough to run around in the same circles. How could he be surprised it would blow up in his face? Don't you deserve better than to take the crumbs he might toss in your direction once the dust settles? The endless evidence is out here in these forums. You won't find many (if any) OW who are satisfied with the empty promises of their MM. He's a cheater and a liar, spewing the same lies we've heard from every other MM - "Our marriage is over. We sleep in separate bedrooms. It's a loveless, sexless marriage." Yada, yada, yada. 

I'm glad you are angry and in disbelief. Don't lose that anger. Keep him kicked to the curb. Block him so he will never contact you again. Move on and you will find someone who is worthy of your love and attention.

[BaileyB]

19 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You weren't dating, you were in an extra marital relationship.
Not the same.
They are used to singles dating and expect it to get very serious as it all seems so very "perfect".

Also the word that jumped out to me.

OP,  you were “dating” a man who is not available to have the kind of relationship you hope to find. That’s not usually a recipe for success. 

[2BGoodAgain]

 

1) if you didn't tell anyone about you two...he's lying; he wants to end it for whatever reasons, but doesn't have the balls to do it.

2) you aren't asking yourself the REAL question... like ......why are you involved with a married man? instant RED FLAG.

and so many red flags. from his excuses(how his life is so bad, etc etc etc) justifying him talking/etc with you(etc etc etc)....

instead of focusing on what you did wrong or why he's ended it, etc...

you really should be asking yourself, do you really want to continue having a relationship (aka extramarital affair) with a man who's at best, dishonest with you....definitely dishonest with his life, wife/family... unless they know about you.... and prob dishonest about the whole weird crazy reason for breaking up with you.

highly recommend you read the many stories here and you'll find that his life and this kind of relationship is very....common. 

hang in there, i know you're hurting, but you really need to get to the root of this... and i'm not talking about his excuses or him ending it, etc that's just the symptom... i'm talking about the root of cause that lead you here.... YOU.

Good luck to you.

 

[HadMeOverABarrel]

Devil's advocate here...perhaps he made the whole story up as an excuse to create distance. It keeps him appearing innocent (leaving one foot in the door for later with you) while he gains the upper hand. You remain confused while he plays the matyr (secretly meanwhile he gets you to cool off your expectations). When he thinks he's managed down your expectations, he'll pop back up with "the coast is clear, let's resume." Best advice on here repeatedly: disengage until he has divorce papers in hand. If you're worried about proving to him there's love after divorce, you've already proven to him that's possible. If he's serious about you, and the required sacrifice he needs to make to have a legit relationship with him, he will do it. Otherwise, you'll know he was never that serious about it in the first place. Actions, not words = not just a cliche. 

Edited February 25, 2020 by HadMeOverABarrel
Typo

[Hip Pocket]

8 hours ago, stillafool said:

I would say having a wife and a woman on the side is having variety.

I would call that getting familial needs met by one and romantic needs met by another. The classic EMR arrangement. If he wanted variety he’d have one in every color and on every street corner. 

[Mimolicious]

Trust and believe, he will be calling you soon. Only thing you can control is what you do when he calls and gives you some watered-down  excuse or story. Most likely he got caught and now is playing it safe with the wife since she may be on him like white on rice.

 

I have not been here for years... Hello to the oldies. 

[preraph]

There's no way he's not sleeping with his wife. they all try to make you believe that but none of them would stay if that wasn't the case.

[Prudence V]

2 hours ago, preraph said:

There's no way he's not sleeping with his wife. they all try to make you believe that but none of them would stay if that wasn't the case.

Well that’s clearly not true! There are enough threads on these boards about sexless marriages to show that many couples aren’t getting any sex. 
 

My H and his xW hadn’t been intimate in forever - before I came along, and during the years of our R that he was still M to her. I’ve seen the accusatory emails she wrote him about that, heard from their kids and other family members about their sleeping arrangements, etc. 
 

But that’s neither here nor there. He could be telling the truth, or not - what matters is what you want from the R, OP, and whether he’s providing that. Yes, this sudden ghosting is upsetting - prior to that, did the R meet your needs? If everything resumed tomorrow as it was prior, would you be happy with that, or are you wanting more than he’s offering? That is what you need to consider. 
 

if you’re wanting a future and he’s not offering one, then now is as good a time as any to walk. If you’re happy with the way things were, prior to the ghosting, then it may be worth sticking around to see once things calm down (they usually do) if that’s back on the table or not. But if you’re not happy with the ghosting, then you need to make that a precondition before any talk of resumption. Being an OW is not a one way street; you get to set the conditions as much as he does. If he doesn’t like yours, he can walk, just as you can walk if you don’t like his. But don’t be afraid to make demands, because it’s important that your needs are met if the R is to be sustainable for both of you. 

[vla1120]

Let me make sure I know all the abbreviations:

A = Affair, correct? 

R = Relationship, correct?

MM = Married man, correct?

MW = Married woman, correct?

BS = Betrayed spouse, correct?

OW = Other woman, correct?

OM = Other man, correct?

Because I believe what happens between a MM and OW or between a MW and OM is an A, not a R. The MM or MW has an R with their BS, right?

I just wanted to make sure that I have all those abbreviations down pat. It gets so confusing out here, sometimes.

[JTSW]

On 2/24/2020 at 5:59 PM, hissecret said:

He said he married her because she got pregnant young. They don't see eye to eye on most things and really live completely separate lives. The reasons he stays:

-kids, history, security, comfortability, their families and she really doesn't have any friends, and he didn't want to go through the process of finding someone new

Lies. Classic lines of a MM.

On 2/24/2020 at 5:59 PM, hissecret said:

So he said he committed to being unhappy. He committed to being there for the sake of the kids and all the other factors. That it wasn't so bad. And being happy was relative.

Lies. More classic lines of a MM.

On 2/24/2020 at 5:59 PM, hissecret said:

someone came up to me and divulged our relationship, I thought we had trust, you told someone about us,  now it is alot of drama. I don't want to talk about it" and hung up.

He's panicking because he's worried his wife will find out.

Or it's possible she had become suspicious.

On 2/24/2020 at 5:59 PM, hissecret said:

"We just have to back up a bit until all of this calms down"

He needs the time to convince his wife or whoever that nothing is happening. 

Ye, he's putting you on the back burner until he's ready to pick you up and use you again.

[Prudence V]

19 hours ago, vla1120 said:

Because I believe what happens between a MM and OW or between a MW and OM is an A, not a R. The MM or MW has an R with their BS, right?

Your believing something doesn’t make it real. 
 

My R with my H didn’t magically become a R when he dumped the xW. It was a R all along. The name of the R may have changed at various points - like, when we got married, it became a marriage - but it’s been a relationship (the same relationship) for nearly two decades now. 

[hissecret]

On 2/24/2020 at 1:29 PM, Starswillshine said:

Look, this man has looked his wife in the eye every day meanwhile carrying on an affair behind his back. That is deceitful and dishonest. That is who he is. She knows him best, and if he can lie to her, he can easily lie and manipulate you. No woman wants to hear how great his wife is. Affairs are one big fantasy land. So when the MM starts talking about future plans, it is in that whole fantasy world. He may desire it within that world, but he does not desire giving up his real world for it. 

Yes, the no contact thing is common. And the stay low until I smooth everything out is extremely common. Do not believe a word he says, only watch what his actions are telling you. Right now, he has an out. His wife has likely found out about your affair. His life will be turned upside down. Most wives do not just roll over and say, "Oh please don't leave, I'll be perfect wife now." Most wives put their WS through hell to prove themselves. So... if he is not running away from his wife when he is in hell, he won't be running away from his wife. And what does this tell you? He wants to remain married to his wife. She is his priority. He isn't running into your arms for this blissful future you guys dreamed and fantasized about. He is staying in the hell. 

Thank you so much for your insight!!!! And he called a day after I posted, and I will post that conversation soon! This is all so crazy but I am learning from it, I will say that!

[hissecret]

On 2/24/2020 at 1:43 PM, preraph said:

We see it over and over on here with married affair partners.  It's all about him.  Some women let it go on for years.  Don't let that be you.  Married men nearly always stay with their wives and hurt the other woman, no matter what jibberish they tell you.  

 

And no contact is simply the best way for YOU to not waste any more time on him.  It's not for him or for any reason other than not giving him an opportunity to try to tempt you back in again and continue to make you weak for him.  The longer you waste on this guy, it will be those years wasted that you will regret the most, even more than being hurt by him, the waste of precious youth when you could have been maybe finding the right guy for you instead.

Thank you!!!

[hissecret]

On 2/24/2020 at 1:47 PM, elaine567 said:

How old are the two of you and how old are his kids?

I am 40, he is 39. His kids are 14 and 6.

[hissecret]

On 2/24/2020 at 2:17 PM, Amethyst68 said:

What did you think was going to happen? What were your expectations going forward?

I honestly didn't think that far ahead. I only was caught in our moments and really taking into consideration what he told me. I understood it, because while I was not married, I was in a very unhappy partnership for years and I stayed while I was unhappy because of the same exact reasons. The ONLY reason why I left is because, it started to become toxic for my child. If that never became the case, I would probably be in that very unhappy situation to this day. I went to family outings, created family events, took pictures, stayed in the same house all for various reasons and for the sake of sticking it out so what he told me, made ALL OF THE SENSE! 

 

[hissecret]

On 2/24/2020 at 5:03 PM, Luna66star said:

I was in this same type of rollercoaster ride for 2 years with MM .  Once he felt better about himself as a man he started getting more confident.  Then he suddenly started saying weird things like he kept seeing his brother's car in areas of town we hung out at.  Or things are getting better at home.  He would suddenly disappear, go silent and then suddenly re-appear with no explanation expecting me to be waiting there at his beck and call.

I found out later through an acquaintance that he was out at a club we used to visit dancing with young things.

When they say they have to lay low, maybe it's the case but not in mine.  He suddenly had no more time for me.  I was then put on the backburner while he hunted for more prey.  These MM don't care about you - it's all about them feeling young again and getting  validation and attention. 

Did this guy even make an effort to get to know you, or was it all superficial stuff about your looks?

Mine was obsessed with my long blond hair and tattoos.

 

 

.  

We honestly started out as friends, and really talked about everything under the sun. We got to know each other and in the midst of that, the romantic feelings began. It was something we both weren't looking for. I know for sure its not superficial, we genuinely care for each other even through this, I know there is genuine care. 

 

P.S. Long blonde hair and tattoos is cool! lol

[hissecret]

On 2/24/2020 at 5:06 PM, MsJayne said:

Think about what he's been doing to his wife, the whole lot of it.   A guy who lies to his spouse will lie to anyone, especially to another woman, because he's actually a closet misogynist and he enjoys being cruel to women. He goes around charming the ladies, they just love him, and he just loves being loved and admired by gullible women. He doesn't get that admiration from his wife any longer because she learned long ago what a narcissistic prat he is. He probably treats her like dirt. Like, for instance, how he 'generously' offered to rent a place for her and he would stay in the family home and keep the kids - no 'nice guy' would do this to his spouse and definitely wouldn't do it to the kids. Did this not raise a red flag the size of Texas for you?  You can see the scenario....she broke down yet again over his stream of sleazy affairs and flings, told him to leave. But no, like the narcissist he is, he told her that if she wants out of the marriage she has to be the one to get out of the family home - him and the kids don't need her.  As far as the way he trashed you, he hasn't been confronted by anyone, that's just a load of horse dung he came up with to cool things between you, he's probably used that one a few times, possibly spins a wheel of excuses each time he has to get rid of his latest fling and whatever the wheel lands on is what she gets told. 

You haven't "done" anything....other than get involved with a 5 Star A-Hole. Block him, forget him, and find someone worthy of you, don't be that female who unwittingly plays a role in abusing another woman. 

Thank you for your response! In reality, it actually did not raise a flag for me. I thought of it as thoughtfullness especially since the home is his grandmother home that has been passed down in his direct family for generations. It made sense because he is around his children about 80% of the time if he isn't at work. And him offering a place was admirable, because well she doesn't make enough money to stand on our own. He genuinely cares for others and tries to help EVERYONE. His family, mom, dad, grandmothers, granddads, aunts and uncles literally depend on him for EVERYTHING. And he breaks his back trying to do it all. including doing all the things for his home life. So offering up a space that will belong to her was nice to me. 

The confrontation-it actually did happen. He called me the next day I posted this and told me every single detail and then I did my research as well. Crazy things happening. 

 

Thank you so much for your input and for your response!!!!

[hissecret]

On 2/24/2020 at 9:28 PM, Daisydooks said:

"I want to stay married."

I'd bet dollars to donuts he made that up so you would back off because he is too conflict avoidant to end it like a grown man... Sincerely. Go NC and block him. MMs avoid conflict notoriously. It's a consistent trait if you read stories around here. They are avoiding conflict in the marriage by looking outside of it to begin with. 

If it walks like a duck...

Thank you for your reply! The confrontation really did happen..lots of things happened! He called me after I sent this post and I did my own due diligence. Just absurd things. 

 

Thank you again!!

[hissecret]

On 2/25/2020 at 7:39 AM, vla1120 said:

He wasn't "dating" you. He was sneaking around with you behind his wife's back, and yet, bold enough to run around in the same circles. How could he be surprised it would blow up in his face? Don't you deserve better than to take the crumbs he might toss in your direction once the dust settles? The endless evidence is out here in these forums. You won't find many (if any) OW who are satisfied with the empty promises of their MM. He's a cheater and a liar, spewing the same lies we've heard from every other MM - "Our marriage is over. We sleep in separate bedrooms. It's a loveless, sexless marriage." Yada, yada, yada. 

I'm glad you are angry and in disbelief. Don't lose that anger. Keep him kicked to the curb. Block him so he will never contact you again. Move on and you will find someone who is worthy of your love and attention.

Thank you!!!!

[Hip Pocket]

1 hour ago, hissecret said:

Thank you for your reply! The confrontation really did happen..lots of things happened! He called me after I sent this post and I did my own due diligence. Just absurd things. 

 

Thank you again!!

What was your “due diligence”? 

[ExpatInItaly]

On 2/25/2020 at 9:11 PM, Hip Pocket said:

 If he wanted variety he’d have one in every color and on every street corner. 

Well, who's to say he doesn't? We don't know. OP doesn't, either. 

In any case - OP, this man is far from thoughtful and it is concerning that him being married didn't raise a red flag for you. Unless it did, and you tried to stuff it down because it was inconvenient in light of how flattered you felt by his attention and affection. A lot of affair partners will try to spin the narrative in a way that absolves them of much responsibility and paints the married party in a much more positive light than they deserve. It also soothes the ego a bit, to think one is getting involved with an unhappy husband who is otherwise a great man. But it's not the truth. A great person doesn't behave this way, and doesn't risk blowing up his whole family by engaging in such deceptive and disrespectful behaviour. 

I think when you're out of the so-called affair fog, you will see that this man is nothing special at all. He's worse than that, actually. The long-term prospects with someone who is capable of living such a lie are pretty grim. You would not be able to trust him, and the fall-out from such an affair coming to light would be pretty awful for you as well. You would be criticized and thrown under the bus right along with him. Very few would have any sympathy for you, and you would stand to lose a lot of respect from a lot of people. 

Given that he dialed it way back and left you hanging for days when it risked coming out? He's not going to be leaving his wife any time soon. And yes, it's so common it's practically a cliche. The life of an Other Woman is almost never a happy and fulfilling one. If you fool yourself into going back, you'd better get used to random periods of silence from him, and a lot of lonely nights for you. 

Edited March 1, 2020 by ExpatInItaly

[hissecret]

23 hours ago, Hip Pocket said:

What was your “due diligence”? 

I found out the source of said actions!

It looks like I don't have those privileges but I would love to chat with you! How do I receive these privileges? 

[Hip Pocket]

On 3/1/2020 at 3:31 AM, ExpatInItaly said:

Well, who's to say he doesn't? We don't know. OP doesn't, either. 

In any case - OP, this man is far from thoughtful and it is concerning that him being married didn't raise a red flag for you. Unless it did, and you tried to stuff it down because it was inconvenient in light of how flattered you felt by his attention and affection. A lot of affair partners will try to spin the narrative in a way that absolves them of much responsibility and paints the married party in a much more positive light than they deserve. It also soothes the ego a bit, to think one is getting involved with an unhappy husband who is otherwise a great man. But it's not the truth. A great person doesn't behave this way, and doesn't risk blowing up his whole family by engaging in such deceptive and disrespectful behaviour. 

I think when you're out of the so-called affair fog, you will see that this man is nothing special at all. He's worse than that, actually. The long-term prospects with someone who is capable of living such a lie are pretty grim. You would not be able to trust him, and the fall-out from such an affair coming to light would be pretty awful for you as well. You would be criticized and thrown under the bus right along with him. Very few would have any sympathy for you, and you would stand to lose a lot of respect from a lot of people. 

Given that he dialed it way back and left you hanging for days when it risked coming out? He's not going to be leaving his wife any time soon. And yes, it's so common it's practically a cliche. The life of an Other Woman is almost never a happy and fulfilling one. If you fool yourself into going back, you'd better get used to random periods of silence from him, and a lot of lonely nights for you. 

All of which is also true for the BW. 

[Hip Pocket]

22 hours ago, hissecret said:

I found out the source of said actions!

Good for you!

[Hip Pocket]

12 hours ago, S2B said:

Why would you want to be his OW?

The question is why wouldn’t I be?