tokidoki Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 OK so I've posted about this before. There's a girl in my social circle who I see at parties maybe once every 6 weeks/2 months. We've known each other for years and have dated before but it's never really gone anywhere - mainly because she tends just to go quiet on me or make excuses when I suggest dates. I've put this down to her just enjoying my attention as and when she wants it but not interested beyond that. Problem is, every time I see her, she draws me into a late night 1-on-1 conversation, always telling me that she pushes me away cos she scared of commitment, or she's worried that I'm only interested in 'f***ing her'. (her words, verbatim). Whenever this happens I just tell her that's not the case, I like her for her, but that I think she's only in it for the attention. She always flatly denies that and tells me she likes me, but that it's her own issues that lead her to push me away. I then wonder why it is that she always brings it up with me (I make a point of never inviting convos like this, but I'm always friendly and nice and allow myself to enjoy her company). I still think it's an attention thing, and people on here will probably say the same, but can I take her at her word and just tell her 'if it is that your scared to date me, then I suggest you just trust me and let us move forward, otherwise, stop bringing it up and let's just be friends'. Is this a real thing? Or just an excuse when you're called out for being an attention seeker?
d0nnivain Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 It's just an excuse when you call her out for being an attention seeker. Since you know her pattern, when she tries to suck you in for these 1 on 1s, bow out quickly & early. She's not tying you to the chair & making you talk to her. You are willing participant. When you stop, she will get her attention fix somewhere else. If she's not the attention seeker but is in fact that damaged & terrified of going on a date with you she too broken to be a good GF so there is no use forcing the issue. 1 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 This is par-for-the-course for someone who loves attention, OP. Think about it: she moans about her fear, you stroke her ego by assuring her you don't want only sex. She feels validated as you sing her praises, and she's had her fill until the next time she needs to be told she's great (in so many words) She isn't genuinely scared, I don't think. She just likes to hear that you like her so she draws it out of you in these silly talks. Stop engaging in these pointless conversations with her. Excuse yourself, and find someone with whom you can have a more productive conversation - and possibly actually date. 1
Author tokidoki Posted February 24, 2020 Author Posted February 24, 2020 Well yeah, absolutely. I don't really participate in the conversations beyond just listening to her, and correcting her when assumes to tell me how I feel about her. I don't just want to 'f*** her' but i definitely don't stroke her ego trying to convince/persuade her otherwise, I just tell her she's wrong. I'm not the type to suck up. If anything, I just roll my eyes and tell her that I'm bored of hearing it, and reiterate that I think it's an attention thing. And as you say, I said to her 'you're just doing this for attention, you don't like me, you like that I like you and it's an ego boost' or at least it's an outlet for a conversation at 5am when the coke is wearing off. I do value her friendship but this is casting a shadow over it now.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 3 minutes ago, undergarment101 said: And as you say, I said to her 'you're just doing this for attention, you don't like me, you like that I like you and it's an ego boost' or at least it's an outlet for a conversation at 5am when the coke is wearing off. So she's generally having these conversations with you when she's high?
Miss Spider Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 She wants to keep you on her hook and she can do that more easily if she makes up alternate reasons for why she can’t date you rather than her lack of interest 1
simpycurious Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 she knows that she can "pull your strings"....not a good position to be in 1
rjc149 Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 (edited) Brother, you are so deep in the friend zone not even special forces can get you out. You are a nice guy beta male orbiter, her shoulder to cry on when she gets burned by the alpha male jerks she sleeps with. The “personal issues” that cause her to “push you away” = she feels no sexual attraction for you. You choose to remain her orbiter. You can choose to stop. Stop being available to her. Stop giving her attention and validation. Stop being there for her. Stop being so nice to her. Start saying ‘no’ to her and make it a habit. Don’t be butthurt or be a dick about it, but stop responding to her texts, stop answering her calls, learn some game, and go date girls who find you attractive. When you stop paying attention to her and she sees you taking other girls home — that’s how you get out of the friend zone. Edited February 24, 2020 by rjc149 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 (edited) undergarment101, She is coke user. Illegal, irresponsible, and unhealthy. That should be enough to end it. Edited February 24, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020
Erik30 Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 She's probably been banging some other guy this whole time, while you get to have all these talks about feelings... 1 1
Marc878 Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 The real question is why do you keep falling for this? Thats your problem. Not her. 3
tulip1989 Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 Yeah mate like I say, this just happens when I’m out with friends and she’s there. I don’t court her attention and I just behave as normal. We are mates so I’m not going to be a dick and ignore her - if anything that looks more needy and manipulative. I did say to her last time something along the lines of ‘you need to stop bringing this up - if you’re scared to date me then that’s a real pity but I can’t help you - you just have to get used to a friendship where we don’t talk about this stuff - if it is just an outlet for some gakky chat then that’s twice as annoying and you need to stop’ yeah she uses coke but so do lots of people. I’m not going to brush her off on that basis lol. she can be banging some other guy, idgaf. I see other girls. I’m not infatuated with her - just sick of hearing it. I’m 99% certain it’s just self indulgent bulls*** but she’s adamant that it isn’t. I guess she keeps banging the drum to save face now that she’s been rumbled. Then again if it is sincere, then it’s her issue and she needs to s*** or get off the pot
mortensorchid Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 She wants attention and/or she's crazy. Avoid her when you see her. 2 1
JTSW Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 I agree that you need to cut this one off as soon as possible. Yes, it's all for attention and she has no intention of ever dating you. But she keeps you hanging by telling you she likes you (she doesn't like you in a romantic capacity). She dabbles in illegal drugs (Big no no). Don't respond to her anymore. Don't answer any of her calls or texts.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 18 hours ago, tulip1989 said: I don’t court her attention and I just behave as normal. We are mates so I’m not going to be a dick and ignore her - if anything that looks more needy and manipulative. Eh, not really. It looks more like you are bored with her repetitive BS and don't want to waste your time on it anymore. You don't need to flat-out ignore her, but you most certainly can stop that line of conversation in its tracks. The question to reflect on now is why you are not already doing that. Are you hoping she suddenly changes her mind and gives you a chance?
Author tokidoki Posted February 25, 2020 Author Posted February 25, 2020 well no, what I mean is I'm not going to flat out ignore her in a passive aggressive way, acting like I don't like her - any time women have done that to me I just find it unattractive and a bit desperate, tbh. But I will certainly tell her in no uncertain terms that I'm bored of having that conversation. What does she want from me? If she's scared then that's her issue and I can't do anything about it. If it's attention seeking I've told her several times it just needs to stop. 1
stillafool Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 18 hours ago, tulip1989 said: if anything that looks more needy and manipulative. No it doesn't. It means you don't put up with nonsense which women respect. When you start ignoring her, not answering her calls, text you will see her coming around. Then you should ignore her more and be done with her. You should be so busy spending time with women who want you that you have no time for her. 1 1
2BGoodAgain Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 1) she's not ready to date. 2) wants assurances the dating won't result in her getting hurt. (no such guarantee in dating... even if both sides are committed. failure happens. hurt happens when a relationship ends. life.) 3) you don't care enough about this girl to date her.. i'd suggest you don't do it. For your sake and for hers. 4) you do put yourself into this position b/c you do want to date her, but i don't think you care enough about her. I think you are exactly what she fears. I'm not saying you're out to just for the sex, but i don't think you care about her enough to alleviate her fears or commit long term. So my suggestion is that you don't start it. You both aren't ready for each other.
smackie9 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 You say you are not infatuated, you know she's a coked out attention seeker, so why make a thread about it? You don't have to talk to her at all, you can walk away, never have to engage her in convo....she's not holding you at gun point, you are of free will. Just ignore her. Eventually she will leave you alone to find someone else to friendzone.
rjc149 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 40 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said: 1) she's not ready to date. 2) wants assurances the dating won't result in her getting hurt. (no such guarantee in dating... even if both sides are committed. failure happens. hurt happens when a relationship ends. life.) 3) you don't care enough about this girl to date her.. i'd suggest you don't do it. For your sake and for hers. 4) you do put yourself into this position b/c you do want to date her, but i don't think you care enough about her. I think you are exactly what she fears. I'm not saying you're out to just for the sex, but i don't think you care about her enough to alleviate her fears or commit long term. So my suggestion is that you don't start it. You both aren't ready for each other. ALL single women are ready to date men they are attracted to. She’s ready to date, just not the OP. Everything else she says is an excuse for not being attracted to him. “You just want sex” “I’m have issues that push you away” “I’m not ready for a relationship” yada yada. All of this says “I like the validation of having you in my life as a friend who desires me but I don’t want to have sex with you.” If she was sexually attracted to the OP, he wouldn’t be starting this thread. The only assurance she wants from him is that he’ll keep being her little puppy dog. So he needs to break this cycle of beta male orbiter behavior and politely, but firmly, cut her off and move on with his life.
Author tokidoki Posted February 25, 2020 Author Posted February 25, 2020 dude, chill out. I don't 'orbit' her - we are occasionally at the same events and she comes to me every time with this stuff - I just tell her I know she's seeking attention and to stop bringing it up. Don't know what makes you think I'm her 'puppy dog'. I don't know what I'm doing/giving to her that she keeps coming back for. This is my point.
rjc149 Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 4 minutes ago, undergarment101 said: dude, chill out. I don't 'orbit' her - we are occasionally at the same events and she comes to me every time with this stuff - I just tell her I know she's seeking attention and to stop bringing it up. Don't know what makes you think I'm her 'puppy dog'. I don't know what I'm doing/giving to her that she keeps coming back for. This is my point. You are *letting* her, you are giving her the green light to come to you and lean on you, that’s why she keeps coming back to you. She feels comfortable doing it, which is why she keeps doing it. You have the hots for some chick who clearly will not sleep with you, yet, you’ll stay up til 5AM being her conversation companion while she crashes off blow. My point isn’t to insult you or peg you down. It’s throwing some cold water on your face to get you to see what’s going on. If you didn’t feel like you’re getting strung along (which you are) you wouldn’t feel the need to start this thread, unless I’m missing something? Next time she comes to you or hits you up tell her “hey I gotta run, see ya around!” and walk away. Don’t call her out for wanting attention or validation. Just very non-reactive, indifferent “hey I’m a little busy, maybe some other time.” Make this a habit and she’ll get the hint, and it will probably raise her attraction.
kendahke Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 (edited) If you think it's just an attention thing, then that's what it is for you and you don't need anyone's input to change your mind. She's marking time with you, that's all--she's not interested in dating you or being intimate, emotionally or physically, with you. That's what has fallen out in experience at your feet, so go with that and just leave her be. Life's too short for BS. Quote it's an outlet for a conversation at 5am when the coke is wearing off. why do you want to be bothered with a coke fiend? Quote yeah she uses coke but so do lots of people. I’m not going to brush her off on that basis lol. So you use it along with the group you and she hang around? No shade. She just sounds like a strawberry and you probably don't have a supply, so she's not got anything for you. Edited February 25, 2020 by kendahke
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