Worried if I have sex I'll get pregnant, in relationship for over a year!

[spiderowl]

It’s obviously got to be your choice about when you have sex. There are different methods of contraception you could find out about. 

Perhaps you are afraid it might be painful to have intercourse? That’s something you just build up to gradually until you are both used to it.

Ask yourself what your real fears are here. Do you feel secure in this relationship? How would you and your boyfriend cope if you did get pregnant - would it be the disaster you fear?

There is always the ‘morning after’ pill too, if a condom splits or comes off accidentally. I guess it is not available everywhere but worth looking into.

Edited February 24, 2020 by spiderowl

[GeorgiaPeach1]

Sounds like he uses porn regularly and is having a hard time climaxing from manual stimulation alone

[Spring1234]

Thank you everyone for all your replies, advice and insight, greatly appreciate it! 

I honestly am not scared of sex, we lay together naked, do everything already. I would do it if pregnancy wasn't a possibility. I just have no money, live with my parents and he doesn't have much money either. I just could never take on being a mother anytime soon. It would be horrible if I got pregnant, I'm not saying my bf wouldn't be there, however he lives an hour away and he didn't say he would marry me if I got pregnant, just said he would be there, pay for an abortion however I don't really believe in that, we just are no where near ready to be parents. Condoms break, birth control isn't a guarantee either and there are plenty of side effects and are really bad for you. You can't compare driving and sex, driving is a necessity, sex simply isn't. 

I just can't spend all the days after having sex worrying if I'm pregnant, just say I was late, have a craving, gain a little weight I would be terrified I was pregnant. If we were engaged, living together, had more money I would do it. We're not ready to get married though so I just don't know what to do. I would be ready and willing, just so scared I'll get pregnant. It sucks pregnancy is a possibility. So many accidentally pregnancies happen everyday, ironically my bf was an accident and his mom was on the pill.

Edited February 25, 2020 by Spring1234

[snowboy91]

From your original post (and this one above ^^) I've got a really strong feeling that your anxiety is simply down to your anxiety about contraception not working, and not to do with any cultural or religious barriers - would that be correct? Since you're a virgin, you haven't had any first-hand counter evidence to this idea that contraception *could* fail, and you know of at least one "accident". Keep in mind that most people around you in relationships (and some outside!) have regular sex without getting pregnant.

Yes, pills (or any hormone-based methods) do have side effects, and can fail but is extremely unlikely if taken correctly. Issues with side effects are best part of an ongoing discussion with a doctor. My ex was also worried about getting pregnant - but we worked around it with contraceptive methods. For 4 out of our 6 years we were together, we combined condoms with her taking the pill, so if it broke we had a backup method. She then got the implanon which has a less than 1 in 1000 failure rate I believe, and at that point she was confident enough to go without condoms - although we were both nervous about it working for the first month or two.

[basil67]

I just found a previous post about this guy 

 

So about six months ago, the two of you had significant problems in the bedroom.   You were even wondering if he was asexual.   Has any of this changed since then?

[SincereOnlineGuy]

10 hours ago, rjc149 said:

Dating a guy for a year and not having sex with him is not normal. And it’s frankly not healthy for a 30 year old woman to be clinging to her virginity despite having a loving, kind, and willing partner who checks all the right boxes and has clearly demonstrated the capacity for commitment. If she’s still waiting for that perfect rose petal carpet moment at age 30 I think that indicates an idealism and for romantic/sexual relationships that will never be fulfilled by reality, otherwise, it indicates deep-seated hang ups about herself as a being who wants and enjoys sex. Both red flags.

 

ROFL  -   that parallels the very position that women everywhere love to take about porn.

 

In essense, you're suggesting that a woman (even, <gasp> ) has conditioned herself   to anticipate violins and floating cupids and maybe a guiding light from God himself to usher some supreme (-to-mere-men) human being into her (reproduction chamber)... and that she has little chance for anything other than disappointment in the real thing.

 

The only problem is... there is no innocent party  around which doubles as a deeply envious and resentful entity.

 

But, of considerable significance is the fact that, if <gasp> a woman can create this super-human "fantasy"  all by herself, with no assistance from mere pictures...  then the actual porn we've been talking about for decades probably has as little to do with the core problem as the real human male has to do with this woman's problem.   Instead, it's purportedly something she created all by herself

 

 

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, Spring1234 said:

I just can't spend all the days after having sex worrying if I'm pregnant

You don't have to spend days worrying.  All you have to do is see your gyno and tell her you want to have sex and need birth control.  Tell her your concerns about it and she will prescribe the best one for your body.  There are 100s of forms of birth control in all doses.

[stillafool]

7 hours ago, basil67 said:

So about six months ago, the two of you had significant problems in the bedroom.   You were even wondering if he was asexual.   Has any of this changed since then?

Of course you would have problems in the bedroom with your fear of getting pregnant.  Why do you even want to go there if you're afraid you'll get pregnant?

[JTSW]

7 hours ago, Spring1234 said:

I would do it if pregnancy wasn't a possibility. I just have no money, live with my parents and he doesn't have much money either. I just could never take on being a mother anytime soon.

Then get sterilized or get him to have the snip.

You need to get a grip because he is not going to stick around forever waiting for you to be ready.

It's been over a year. 

You've messed him around enough.

[stillafool]

4 minutes ago, JTSW said:

Then get sterilized or get him to have the snip.

Do you really think this guy is going to get snipped for a woman he isn't even married to just to have sex?

[JTSW]

Just now, stillafool said:

Do you really think this guy is going to get snipped for a woman he isn't even married to just to have sex?

No, I can't see that happening. 

I don't think he is going to stick around for long though.

Hand jobs and blow jobs are just not the same.

(I'm not a guy though lol)

[stillafool]

6 minutes ago, JTSW said:

No, I can't see that happening. 

I don't think he is going to stick around for long though.

Hand jobs and blow jobs are just not the same.

(I'm not a guy though lol)

I wouldn't be surprised to find out he is already having real sex with someone else on the side.

[Miss Spider]

He might. From the other thread Basil linked, it sounds like he is asexual or closeted which means this isn’t a bad set up for him 

[JTSW]

Just now, stillafool said:

I wouldn't be surprised to find out he is already having real sex with someone else on the side.

I would say that is highly likely.

[JTSW]

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

He might. From the other thread Basil linked, it sounds like he is asexual or closeted which means this isn’t a bad set up for him 

Nah, i would say he has just tired of hand jobs and blow jobs.

Or the more obvious would be is that he is getting it somewhere else.

[Miss Spider]

He wasn’t getting those things when that thread was made. That was something she worked him up to. She said he seemed fine with nothing 

[JTSW]

Just now, Cookiesandough said:

He wasn’t getting those things when that thread was made. That was something she worked him up to. She said he seemed fine with nothing 

'Seemed' doesn't mean he is. 

[Miss Spider]

Right....no one here knows for certain. These  are just educated guesses made with the available information from OP’s account. She claims he wasn’t making a move for more than kissing and only asked for sex because he thought she thought he was moving too slow. 

Edited February 25, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[JTSW]

The OP has come back only once to respond to all these comments.

 

[rjc149]

8 hours ago, SincereOnlineGuy said:

 

ROFL  -   that parallels the very position that women everywhere love to take about porn.

 

In essense, you're suggesting that a woman (even, <gasp> ) has conditioned herself   to anticipate violins and floating cupids and maybe a guiding light from God himself to usher some supreme (-to-mere-men) human being into her (reproduction chamber)... and that she has little chance for anything other than disappointment in the real thing.

 

The only problem is... there is no innocent party  around which doubles as a deeply envious and resentful entity.

 

But, of considerable significance is the fact that, if <gasp> a woman can create this super-human "fantasy"  all by herself, with no assistance from mere pictures...  then the actual porn we've been talking about for decades probably has as little to do with the core problem as the real human male has to do with this woman's problem.   Instead, it's purportedly something she created all by herself

 

 

I’ll offer you the benefit of the doubt that there’s a Finnegan’s Wake stream-of-consciousness brilliance to this reply that is simply not intelligible to me. Because I am not able to understand why you’re now talking about porn, or what you’re talking about at all.

[rjc149]

OP,  your terror of pregnancy, and terror of sex by proxy, is irrational. You’ll no doubt get support here in your decision for lifelong abstinence but I believe a therapist will be able to deconstruct what is clearly a profound emotional block about yourself has a sexual being masquerading as a distrust of modern birth control. 
 

Whether or not it’s viewed as pressure for you to give it up to your boyfriend, if he is a heterosexual adult male, he won’t stand by you in a sexless relationship forever unless he is not actually heterosexual or he is able to get sexual gratification elsewhere. No, loving relationships are not just about sex, but they don’t last happily without it.

[nospam99]

I'm going to chime in with the voice of a 'patient male'. As much as I like and want sex, I don't need it, at least not PIV anyway. If I was the OP's bf, I could take her fear of pregnancy in the context of ''we can't afford to raise a child'' (masturbation and BJs would be WAY 'in play' however). Meanwhile I'd be setting my feet on the path of raising our economic level to where we could get married and be able to support children.

[stillafool]

4 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

He wasn’t getting those things when that thread was made. That was something she worked him up to. She said he seemed fine with nothing 

Then she should be happy because she is deathly afraid of getting pregnant and doesn't want to use birth control.  They seem like a perfect match to me.

[stillafool]

1 hour ago, nospam99 said:

I'm going to chime in with the voice of a 'patient male'. As much as I like and want sex, I don't need it, at least not PIV anyway. If I was the OP's bf, I could take her fear of pregnancy in the context of ''we can't afford to raise a child'' (masturbation and BJs would be WAY 'in play' however). Meanwhile I'd be setting my feet on the path of raising our economic level to where we could get married and be able to support children.

Too bad you can't date OP.

[rjc149]

1 hour ago, nospam99 said:

I'm going to chime in with the voice of a 'patient male'. As much as I like and want sex, I don't need it, at least not PIV anyway. If I was the OP's bf, I could take her fear of pregnancy in the context of ''we can't afford to raise a child'' (masturbation and BJs would be WAY 'in play' however). Meanwhile I'd be setting my feet on the path of raising our economic level to where we could get married and be able to support children.

Have you ever dated a virgin woman, who would only give you BJs and tuggies because she is irrationally terrified of having sex, for a year without having any issues with it?

The OPs boyfriend doesn’t want marriage or children, as she’s stated. If I were him, I would take her insistence on remaining a virgin after a year of committed dating as my cue to bow out, or come out.