Worried if I have sex I'll get pregnant, in relationship for over a year!

[SumGuy]

1 hour ago, Gaeta said:

You also don't want to be dealing with 'being a virgin' at 35 or 40. Not many men will deal with that.  

I strongly disagree with that.  Sure it may make a man curious, and ask why.  A decent caring man though, the kind you'd likely want anyway, is going to be OK with it and likely flattered he'd be the one.  Also a bit nervous, after all your whole initial view of sex is going to be how he performs.   I get the strong feeling though that you are about much, much more than sex in a relationship...and want men who are the same. 

Yes there are some men who will get all judgmental and read all sorts of stuff into you being a virgin (which is often just projection and thus a good peek into their minds) you don't want them.

[Gaeta]

OP why are you still a virgin at 30?

 

 

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, d0nnivain said:

To say just have sex already is irresponsible.  There may be religious reasons.  There may be mental issues.  There may be a combo. 

 

It may look like I am at you today but I am not

More women wait to have sex more they fear the pain, the blood, fear being awkward at it, etc. I even remember a virgin woman of 46 on and she was paralyzed at the thought of having sex because of all the fears she built over the years.  OP has dated this man for 1 full year and she wants to pursue this relationship it's time to have sex. There is no prince charming, there is no 'the one' and there is no perfect night on your first night. 

[rjc149]

1 hour ago, SumGuy said:

I strongly disagree with that.  Sure it may make a man curious, and ask why.  A decent caring man though, the kind you'd likely want anyway, is going to be OK with it and likely flattered he'd be the one.  Also a bit nervous, after all your whole initial view of sex is going to be how he performs.   I get the strong feeling though that you are about much, much more than sex in a relationship...and want men who are the same. 

Yes there are some men who will get all judgmental and read all sorts of stuff into you being a virgin (which is often just projection and thus a good peek into their minds) you don't want them.

Dating a guy for a year and not having sex with him is not normal. And it’s frankly not healthy for a 30 year old woman to be clinging to her virginity despite having a loving, kind, and willing partner who checks all the right boxes and has clearly demonstrated the capacity for commitment. If she’s still waiting for that perfect rose petal carpet moment at age 30 I think that indicates an idealism and for romantic/sexual relationships that will never be fulfilled by reality, otherwise, it indicates deep-seated hang ups about herself as a being who wants and enjoys sex. Both red flags.

Edited February 24, 2020 by rjc149

[Els]

The impression I got from your post was that you both live in a conservative country (one where abortion and perhaps even premarital sex is illegal), but then I looked at your history and it turns out that I asked you that exact question in a past thread of yours, and you said you were born and raised in America.

So, I dunno. I think in your country and demographic, MOST people are not waiting til marriage to have intercourse, and many people are fine with the minimal risk of condom use because abortion is available. If you are not, that is a valid choice and your prerogative, but you probably want to date a man who is on the same page, and in your location I imagine they are rare. Either way, of course you shouldn't do anything you don't want to do.

To answer your question more specifically, yes, getting pregnant is always a risk with vaginal intercourse, but if you use two simultaneous reliable methods, the odds are so low that you'd be more likely to get hit by lightning. Look up medical statistics on failure rates. We use condoms + BC - I'm fine with the side effects of BC because for me they are almost nonexistent, and also I would take BC regardless of whether I was having intercourse, due to the magic of no periods and no PMS.

Penetration for 15 minutes is fine and even enjoyable for many women. I certainly find it enjoyable when combined with clitoral stimulation. You seem to be of the mindset that penetration (or even sex in general) is all for the man and just something that women "endure", but with the right partner and the right techniques that just isn't true.

[SincereOnlineGuy]

TWO pages of replies and no mention (until now) of PORN being the surefire cause for this guy's having trouble climaxing !

C'mon people... 

 

(I do acknowledge somebody having mentioned the guy's masturbating too much )

 

As for the OP...   she should first decide IF she wants to have intercourse.

IF the answer is yes, then she should generally expect that condoms will work effectively.   Though it wouldn't be wrong for her to study tutorials on how to correctly apply them, rather than bungling in the heat of passion.

Furthermore, if the guy can't climax, well, pregnancy chances dwindle considerably, but *not entirely.  (though with a condom properly in place, the probability is extreeeeemely slim (when he can't climax in addition))

 

 

[RecentChange]

10 hours ago, Spring1234 said:

 I think if he could get off this way he wouldn't be as eager to have sex. Any thoughts on this?

Not sure what to do, any advice is appreciated!

And I think you are wrong.

If someone puts a piece of chocolate under your nose, maybe even let's you have a lick of it - does that make you NOT want a piece of chocolate, or does it make you want it more?

For most people, sexual teasing (and that's what this is) increases sexual desire - that is until you tease them so much they can't handle the teasing and manipulation and give up completely.

OP, I too am petrified of pregnancy because I never want children. But luckily for me I was taught about safe sex practices - condoms are very effective. Condoms PLUS using spermicide internally is extremely effective. Condoms, plus spermicide, plus rhythm method (understanding your cycle) - risk is mitigated to some sort of stuck twice by lightning chance.

So why have you made such a big deal about virginity? Others have asked, is it religious? Is it fear? Why do you have such a block regarding this?

Perhaps some therapy is in order to figure out why you have such anxiety regarding intercourse. The longer this goes on, the bigger and scarier it will get in your mind - and the more difficult it will be for you to get over this mental hurdle. 

 

[SumGuy]

19 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Dating a guy for a year and not having sex with him is not normal. And it’s frankly not healthy for a 30 year old woman to be clinging to her virginity despite having a loving, kind, and willing partner who checks all the right boxes and has clearly demonstrated the capacity for commitment. If she’s still waiting for that perfect rose petal carpet moment at age 30 I think that indicates an idealism and for romantic/sexual relationships that will never be fulfilled by reality, otherwise, it indicates deep-seated hang ups about herself as a being who wants and enjoys sex. Both red flags.

Maybe in the NYC mindset and under certain cultural biases.  Sure in those circles it's a big issue; like I said though, she loses out on those men, so what.  Why would she want them?

No sex before marriage used to be the cultural norm, even if few followed it and even if it is not my belief or practice...though grew up with many who did and still believe it.   So for many, probably most of Utah it's normal...and don't see how it is unhealthy.  I think most find too much sex or pron to be more unhealthy than voluntary virginity.

Seems like the OP is very concerned about getting pregnant when she is in no way ready to raise a child.  I call that responsible.  Now there are ways to have sex and not get pregnant, sure, but abstinence is 100% effective. 

I also don't judge her because she wants to be a virgin, i.e. no PIV sex.  Plenty of lesbian women have incredible sex lives without PIV.  Heck if you do live in NYC there is the whole culture of not judging a persons sexuality as "hang ups" or "mental issues" just because it is not yours.  I don't believe in conversion therapy for homosexuals, or whatever the version people would recommend for 30 year old virgins.

To me it's only an issue if she feels it is one because she wants PIV sex but is too afraid and can't overcome her fear.  And if that is the case seekign help from a professional is the way to go.

It shouldn't be in my opinion about what others (certainly not the internet), or even her BF, think her sexuality "should" be to fit into their definition of normal.  (caveat as long as her sexuality involves only consenting human adults) 

[Gaeta]

11 hours ago, Spring1234 said:

I think if he could get off this way he wouldn't be as eager to have sex. Any thoughts on this?

You never had sex with penetration so you do not know what this man is enduring. Once you have full sex you cannot go back to just oral and hand jobs. I don't know how this man is able to endure this. You expect him to feel the way you do, but it's impossible, he has known pleasures you have not known yet. In other words, you do not know what you're talking about.

[rjc149]

3 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Maybe in the NYC mindset and under certain cultural biases.  Sure in those circles it's a big issue; like I said though, she loses out on those men, so what.  Why would she want them?

No sex before marriage used to be the cultural norm, even if few followed it and even if it is not my belief or practice...though grew up with many who did and still believe it.   So for many, probably most of Utah it's normal...and don't see how it is unhealthy.  I think most find too much sex or pron to be more unhealthy than voluntary virginity.

Seems like the OP is very concerned about getting pregnant when she is in no way ready to raise a child.  I call that responsible.  Now there are ways to have sex and not get pregnant, sure, but abstinence is 100% effective. 

I also don't judge her because she wants to be a virgin, i.e. no PIV sex.  Plenty of lesbian women have incredible sex lives without PIV.  Heck if you do live in NYC there is the whole culture of not judging a persons sexuality as "hang ups" or "mental issues" just because it is not yours.  I don't believe in conversion therapy for homosexuals, or whatever the version people would recommend for 30 year old virgins.

To me it's only an issue if she feels it is one because she wants PIV sex but is too afraid and can't overcome her fear.  And if that is the case seekign help from a professional is the way to go.

It shouldn't be in my opinion about what others (certainly not the internet), or even her BF, think her sexuality "should" be to fit into their definition of normal.  (caveat as long as her sexuality involves only consenting human adults) 

Serious question: are you a Latter Day Saint?

It’s one thing to remain a virgin due to religious/cultural reasons. I respect that. Does her boyfriend, whose seed she’s been manually and orally spilling for a year, share those religious convictions? 
 

So is this about holding herself to a higher authority, or is she just hung up about sex? I don’t think unwanted pregnancy is the issue here, it’s not an imminent modern threat to couples who have sex but don’t want a pregnancy. 
 

And if it’s just a hang up, is it fair to her loving and committed boyfriend to forgo his own fulfillment in the relationship to humor her?

And if I don’t believe it’s fair to him, is that a function of my corrupt, morally bankrupt NYC values or am I speaking for the vast majority of adult human males who have walked the planet for the last 30,000 years who find gratification and fulfillment in PIV sex with their partners?

[SumGuy]

1 minute ago, rjc149 said:

Serious question: are you a Latter Day Saint?

It’s one thing to remain a virgin due to religious/cultural reasons. I respect that. Does her boyfriend, whose seed she’s been manually and orally spilling for a year, share those religious convictions? 

So is this about holding herself to a higher authority, or is she just hung up about sex? I don’t think unwanted pregnancy is the issue here, it’s not an imminent modern threat to couples who have sex but don’t want a pregnancy. 

And if it’s just a hang up, is it fair to her loving and committed boyfriend to forgo his own fulfillment in the relationship to humor her?

And if I don’t believe it’s fair to him, is that a function of my corrupt, morally bankrupt NYC values or am I speaking for the vast majority of adult human males who have walked the planet for the last 30,000 years who find gratification and fulfillment in PIV sex with their partners?

Not in any way shape or form am I a Mormon, if they had their way I'd likely be locked up.  I just don't judge them on their view of premarital sex, as long as they don't try to foist in on someone, which unfortunately they often seem to want to do.

See for me it is a slippery slope if you start saying there are some reasons that it is OK to be a virgin and others it is not.  If she doesn't want it then that is her, some are more asexual than others.  I am not going to judge her reasons, she doesn't need to justify or defend her sexuality to anyone (again as long as it involves consenting human adults)

Its only if she has issues with it herself, she'd like to but is afraid.  And that case my answer is not to call it unhealthy or not normal but to say seek some professional advice to help you through it.  On birth control, a good doctor can provide you with plenty of information.

Fair to him? He's not posting.  I could care less if he sees the face of god during sex and the winning Lotto numbers.

More importantly I would never, ever recommend a woman have sex with a man because it is not fair to him.  WTF.  That sounds way to incel for my liking.

He can have an adult conversation about it with her and if their sexuality is not compatible then so be it, but to pressure a woman to have sex because it's not fair to the man, or not healthy, or not normal to be a virgin is telling her that she better get with societies (and men's) view of what her sexuality should be, or dire consequences will follow.  

I'm actually trying to say that my experience of NYC overall is no one judges your sexuality, be it a different partner every night, chastity, transgender, homosexual, bisexaul, asexual, pansexual, and a whole bunch of other terms can't even remember. 

I'm also pointing out that to me conservative people judging NYC as decadent and amoral is the same as progressive people judging voluntary virgins as not normal, with the exception I think it has been over 3000 years since there was a law or custom that said you had to have sex while their are plenty of laws still around that tell you what you can't do in the bedroom.

[preraph]

I've been on birth control since I was 18 and I'm 67 now and still taking it for hormone reasons.  What side effects are you worried about? If you take it right, estrogen and progesterone, not to mention the new topical patches and things, it's certainly not as risky as getting pregnant and giving birth!

[rjc149]

22 minutes ago, SumGuy said:

Not in any way shape or form am I a Mormon, if they had their way I'd likely be locked up.  I just don't judge them on their view of premarital sex, as long as they don't try to foist in on someone, which unfortunately they often seem to want to do.

See for me it is a slippery slope if you start saying there are some reasons that it is OK to be a virgin and others it is not.  If she doesn't want it then that is her, some are more asexual than others.  I am not going to judge her reasons, she doesn't need to justify or defend her sexuality to anyone (again as long as it involves consenting human adults)

Its only if she has issues with it herself, she'd like to but is afraid.  And that case my answer is not to call it unhealthy or not normal but to say seek some professional advice to help you through it.  On birth control, a good doctor can provide you with plenty of information.

Fair to him? He's not posting.  I could care less if he sees the face of god during sex and the winning Lotto numbers.

More importantly I would never, ever recommend a woman have sex with a man because it is not fair to him.  WTF.  That sounds way to incel for my liking.

He can have an adult conversation about it with her and if their sexuality is not compatible then so be it, but to pressure a woman to have sex because it's not fair to the man, or not healthy, or not normal to be a virgin is telling her that she better get with societies (and men's) view of what her sexuality should be, or dire consequences will follow.  

I'm actually trying to say that my experience of NYC overall is no one judges your sexuality, be it a different partner every night, chastity, transgender, homosexual, bisexaul, asexual, pansexual, and a whole bunch of other terms can't even remember. 

I'm also pointing out that to me conservative people judging NYC as decadent and amoral is the same as progressive people judging voluntary virgins as not normal, with the exception I think it has been over 3000 years since there was a law or custom that said you had to have sex while their are plenty of laws still around that tell you what you can't do in the bedroom.

I'm not saying she owes the guy sex. You're right, that is incel frustrated "nice guy" mentality. I'm saying that healthy adult relationships are about giving, and meeting the needs of your partner. Going on nothing but slobbies and tuggies from your girlfriend for a year would not meet the sexual needs of most heterosexual men. Maybe this guy is a unicorn. Maybe he's getting sex elsewhere, maybe his frustration is slowly building up, I don't know. You're right, he's not posting here. 

But she is. Her post is "why is my red-blooded heterosexual adult boyfriend losing interest in our abstinent relationship? Why isn't he excited about getting his 200th handjob?" The answer isn't as simple as "guys get bored of handjobs." I think the question is more "why won't you have a healthy sexual relationship with your loving, committed boyfriend?" 

If this guy is okay with the status quo, that's fine. But SHE isn't happy with where the sexual relationship is going. So it begs some deeper questions about the way she views sex. 

[Els]

55 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

Serious question: are you a Latter Day Saint?

It’s one thing to remain a virgin due to religious/cultural reasons. I respect that. Does her boyfriend, whose seed she’s been manually and orally spilling for a year, share those religious convictions? 
 

So is this about holding herself to a higher authority, or is she just hung up about sex? I don’t think unwanted pregnancy is the issue here, it’s not an imminent modern threat to couples who have sex but don’t want a pregnancy. 
 

And if it’s just a hang up, is it fair to her loving and committed boyfriend to forgo his own fulfillment in the relationship to humor her?

And if I don’t believe it’s fair to him, is that a function of my corrupt, morally bankrupt NYC values or am I speaking for the vast majority of adult human males who have walked the planet for the last 30,000 years who find gratification and fulfillment in PIV sex with their partners?

Lol, you're just affirming the OP's (mistaken) belief that PIV is all for the man, which is part of what is causing the problem to begin with. Obviously with posts like yours (and the things her friends apparently tell her about intercourse), she would feel even more strongly against doing it, because why take on the added risks of intercourse for something that isn't enjoyable for her?

She needs to want it for herself. Until and unless that happens, she shouldn't do it. Forcing herself to do it "for him" will only lead to her tensing up, thus having painful intercourse, thus concluding that her friends were right all along and that it sucks.

[RecentChange]

2 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Lol, you're just affirming the OP's (mistaken) belief that PIV is all for the man, which is part of what is causing the problem to begin with. 

Right? I was wondering not only how does HE tolerate all of this teasing, I don't know how she is able to handle it either. 

I know I would be feeling like screaming "let's do it already! My loins are aching! " 

But I was raised in such a way to believe that sex is natural, enjoyable and just not a huge deal. "be safe have fun" sort of mantra.

The OP still hasn't enlightened us as to why she has chosen to abstain for so long. 

[Els]

1 minute ago, RecentChange said:

Right? I was wondering not only how does HE tolerate all of this teasing, I don't know how she is able to handle it either. 

I know I would be feeling like screaming "let's do it already! My loins are aching! " 

But I was raised in such a way to believe that sex is natural, enjoyable and just not a huge deal. "be safe have fun" sort of mantra.

The OP still hasn't enlightened us as to why she has chosen to abstain for so long. 

 I think that done poorly, PIV can be a lot worse for the woman than for the man... which is probably where her friends are getting their impressions of it from. Especially if they are having sex with men who believe that intercourse is something that they are "owed" by a partner, I imagine it would be pretty awful.

[rjc149]

15 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Lol, you're just affirming the OP's (mistaken) belief that PIV is all for the man, which is part of what is causing the problem to begin with. Obviously with posts like yours (and the things her friends apparently tell her about intercourse), she would feel even more strongly against doing it, because why take on the added risks of intercourse for something that isn't enjoyable for her?

She needs to want it for herself. Until and unless that happens, she shouldn't do it. Forcing herself to do it "for him" will only lead to her tensing up, thus having painful intercourse, thus concluding that her friends were right all along and that it sucks.

Again, the question she’s asking is “why is my 27 year old boyfriend losing interest in getting nothing but handjobs?” And I’ve given the obvious answer, given some male insight into a man not having sexual needs met in a relationship, and also posed some other questions for her to ponder about why she chooses to cling to her virginity at an age where chastity is universally considered to be atypical, despite having a loving, caring, committed partner with human male needs. A relationship is not only about what makes the female comfortable and what best serves the female party. But if this guy doesn’t mind, and respects her wishes to remain a virgin, then she’s clearly found herself a keeper. I just don’t think that’s what’s really going on with him.

I’m not telling her she needs to give it up to him or anyone. She can do whatever she wants, it’s her body. If she wants to be a 40-year old virgin, she can. Reading back on my other posts, I can’t find any instances where I suggested she bite the bullet force herself to have sex against her will.

 

 

[RecentChange]

19 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

 I think that done poorly, PIV can be a lot worse for the woman than for the man... which is probably where her friends are getting their impressions of it from. Especially if they are having sex with men who believe that intercourse is something that they are "owed" by a partner, I imagine it would be pretty awful.

If done poorly - right now she is with a man who has demonstrated a fairly extreme level of patience and concern for her.

Sure if done poorly sex can not feel great, but I think that is a way overblown concern given the situation. 

My first time was with a conscientious partner - I have experienced stubbed toes that were exponentially more painful than my first time having sex.

I just not sure where all of the anxiety is stemming from. There are few things more natural than intercourse

[basil67]

6 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Nah, my bf has a hard time climaxing with hand jobs & oral and he's an excellent performer with vaginal sex. It's in the head, to him real sex is P in V.

Same with mine

[basil67]

You're concerned about birth control because of the side effects.  Have you discussed this with your doctor and they agree there are real risks for you?  Or are you catastrophising stories you've heard?  

Sex isn't just pounding away for 15 minutes.  Or at least, good sex isn't like that.   There's the long build up during foreplay, perhaps a couple of orgasms by you for good measure.  Then you end up so desperate for the d*ck that you're gasping for it.  Insertion is a relief and intercourse is a dynamic thing where both your needs are (should be) met.  

Edited February 24, 2020 by basil67

[Els]

18 minutes ago, RecentChange said:

If done poorly - right now she is with a man who has demonstrated a fairly extreme level of patience and concern for her.

Sure if done poorly sex can not feel great, but I think that is a way overblown concern given the situation. 

My first time was with a conscientious partner - I have experienced stubbed toes that were exponentially more painful than my first time having sex.

I just not sure where all of the anxiety is stemming from. There are few things more natural than intercourse

I agree. I just suspect that her friends have had bad or at least meh experiences, and their views are coloring hers.

[stillafool]

22 minutes ago, RecentChange said:

I just not sure where all of the anxiety is stemming from. There are few things more natural than intercourse

I think it's probably the age.  Maybe the longer you wait the more anxious you become about losing it.  

[Els]

45 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

A relationship is not only about what makes the female comfortable and what best serves the female party.

Quote

And I’ve given the obvious answer, given some male insight into a man not having sexual needs met in a relationship

despite having a loving, caring, committed partner with human male needs.

I’m not telling her she needs to give it up to him or anyone.

Dear lord. I'm really not sure how you can make a post like this and then act confused when we tell you that you're affirming the OP's perspective that sex is just for the man. Again, telling the OP about his presumed "male needs" relating to her "giving it up" because her relationship isn't just about  "female comfort" solves nothing.

I suggest you reacquaint yourself with the title of thread.

[SumGuy]

18 minutes ago, stillafool said:

I think it's probably the age.  Maybe the longer you wait the more anxious you become about losing it.  

Would agree.  Think anyone might be afraid they were bad in bed and the other person may not like that, or just the potential fear of rejection, and there is always the fear of the unknown.

[rjc149]

1 hour ago, Elswyth said:

Dear lord. I'm really not sure how you can make a post like this and then act confused when we tell you that you're affirming the OP's perspective that sex is just for the man. Again, telling the OP about his presumed "male needs" relating to her "giving it up" because her relationship isn't just about  "female comfort" solves nothing.

I suggest you reacquaint yourself with the title of thread.

I suggest you consider why she’s so concerned about getting pregnant given the highly effective birth control options available to women, in addition to the use of condoms. I believe, along with other posters here, that there is something larger beneath the surface here.

And perhaps, begin viewing needs in a relationship less as a conflict between “male vs female” and more as a symbiosis? If I have a correct understanding of the issue you’re taking with my posts? It’s not really clear from your reply.

Edited February 24, 2020 by rjc149