Spring1234 Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 So I've been in a relationship for over a year now with a great, sweet and very understanding guy. I'm 30 and he's 27. I'm a virgin, he isn't. We are in love and I spend almost every weekend with him. We do everything but have sex. I am too worried if we have sex I'll get pregnant. We both live with our parents and don't have much money. I am not ready to be a mom by any means and it would be horrible if I got pregnant. I am too worried about going on birth control because of the side effects and I see him on weekends due to our work schedules, so I don't really want to take the pill everyday if I'm just seeing him on weekends. We get naked and everything, but don't actually have sex. Condoms aren't 100% and it just feels like too much of a risk. Another issue is my boyfriend has trouble climaxing. I have done oral on him and hand jobs, however he takes 30+ minutes to cum. Today it took almost an hour of a hand job and he still couldn't. He said sex makes it happen faster, like in 15 minutes, however my friends have said you don't want a guy pounding in you for 15 minutes. I think if he could get off this way he wouldn't be as eager to have sex. Any thoughts on this? Not sure what to do, any advice is appreciated! Also we're not ready to get married. We don't have enough money and live an hour from each other due to our jobs.
Fognozzle Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 I think you are too much up in your own head about this. If you just aren't ready to have sex yet that's fine, you don't need reasons. But if you genuinely want to, then you need to get these thoughts under control. Going on the pill is a lifestyle choice. Concerns over side effects are valid, but you can speak to your doctor to put them into perspective. Lots of women take the pill with no side effects. Remember that driving to work has a possible side effect of death. And rationalising how many days you'll take a pill against how many days you'll have sex is not reasonable. Either you want to be on the pill for your lifestyle or you don't. And condoms are pretty much 100% effective, when used properly. Finally, stop listening to your friends. If your guy is 'pounding you for 15 minutes' (highly unlikely, unless he is an athlete) and you are not enjoying it, you have a communication problem at the very least. If he takes a long time to come, get him to help himself along for a bit so you can watch and participate and maybe take over again near the end. Sex is meant to be a fun (and communicative) process for the pair of you, it isn't about delivering a timely result. You can both ask to take a break or switch to something else if anyhing is becoming uncomfortable. 4
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, Spring1234 said: So I've been in a relationship for over a year now with a great, sweet and very understanding guy. I'm 30 and he's 27. I'm a virgin, he isn't. We are in love and I spend almost every weekend with him. We do everything but have sex. I am too worried if we have sex I'll get pregnant. We both live with our parents and don't have much money. I am not ready to be a mom by any means and it would be horrible if I got pregnant. I am too worried about going on birth control because of the side effects and I see him on weekends due to our work schedules, so I don't really want to take the pill everyday if I'm just seeing him on weekends. We get naked and everything, but don't actually have sex. Condoms aren't 100% and it just feels like too much of a risk. Another issue is my boyfriend has trouble climaxing. I have done oral on him and hand jobs, however he takes 30+ minutes to cum. Today it took almost an hour of a hand job and he still couldn't. He said sex makes it happen faster, like in 15 minutes, however my friends have said you don't want a guy pounding in you for 15 minutes. I think if he could get off this way he wouldn't be as eager to have sex. Any thoughts on this? Not sure what to do, any advice is appreciated! Also we're not ready to get married. We don't have enough money and live an hour from each other due to our jobs. Hmmm...many women complain men don't last long enough and your friends are telling you 15 minutes is too long? Sheesh. Yes, if the guy is 'pounding' on you, it can get raw and bruising could occur. A situation neither women nor men want if intimacy is to be had frequently. I have problems climaxing at times and last longer than I would like, but I go until my partner climaxes and then stop. The key is to change it up and not make the act into a boxing match. No need for 'pounding' throughout. I have had condoms break on me, but using enough lubricant minimizes that. Now, it seems you need to do some research and make some compromises. Birth control is generally safe. What side effects are you concerned about? You have been dating a sexually active guy for over a year without sex. I guarantee he is getting elsewhere. He knows what it takes and that is from experience. Unless this guy is a saint, he is very likely getting sex elsewhere. You should be concerned about birth control and STDs. Ask him to get tested and then you really need to overcome your fears and see a doctor about birth control AND condoms. Do not forget condoms. Good luck, but most importantly, don't have intercourse until you are ready. Edited February 24, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020
d0nnivain Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 Quote The only guaranteed way not to get pregnant is to not have sex. It sounds like you aren't ready so don't do it. If your BF can't climax from hand jobs & oral, he's gonna have performance problems with vaginal sex too. 3
JTSW Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 Stop listening to other people for a start. They will only confuse you. You do what you feel comfortable with and it wont be like your 'friends' said. There are many forms of protection to look into. Don't let people frighten when they say he is getting or will end up getting sex elsewhere. You know him. We don't. You say he is very sweet and understanding, so keep that faith x
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 18 minutes ago, JTSW said: Stop listening to other people for a start. They will only confuse you. You do what you feel comfortable with and it wont be like your 'friends' said. There are many forms of protection to look into. Don't let people frighten when they say he is getting or will end up getting sex elsewhere. You know him. We don't. You say he is very sweet and understanding, so keep that faith x We don’t know about anyone anyone talks about. But my post stands, assume he may be getting sex elsewhere and ALSO use a condom or no sex. The OP only sees him during the weekends and dating over a year with a sexually active man and no intercourse... 1
JTSW Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 Just now, Gr8fuln2020 said: We don’t know about anyone anyone talks about. But my post stands, assume he may be getting sex elsewhere and ALSO use a condom or no sex. The OP only sees him during the weekends and dating over a year with a sexually active man and no intercourse... Not every guy is like that. Some men actually have respect.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 Not every guy....she needs to ready and where condoms. She doesn’t know what kind of guy he really is as she is not with him on a daily basis. She needs to be safe. 1
Gaeta Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 41 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: If your BF can't climax from hand jobs & oral, he's gonna have performance problems with vaginal sex too. Nah, my bf has a hard time climaxing with hand jobs & oral and he's an excellent performer with vaginal sex. It's in the head, to him real sex is P in V. 2
JTSW Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 14 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: She doesn’t know what kind of guy he really is as How do you know? Do you know her?
Gaeta Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 (edited) OP, everything in life has a minimum of risk. You do your best, take your precautions and the rest is life. Every morning you drive to work you risk an accident but you still do it, every time you go to the beach you risk hitting your head and drowning but you still go swim, every time you eat you risk chocking and you eat 3 times a day, you get the idea?. Yes taking the pills involves a small risk to your health but if you want sex you have to accept that risk. You can look toward other contraceptive like an IUD who has minimal hormones, and you combine that with a condom. I'd say you're covered close to 100% but the absolute 100% doesn't exist in ANYTHING in life. If you get pregnant you still have the option of ending the pregnancy. Edited February 24, 2020 by Gaeta
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 18 minutes ago, JTSW said: How do you know? Do you know her? Nope. Total stranger giving another total stranger advice or solicited observation...as we all are. Based on her post, she only sees him during weekends, so does she know every that he does and with whom? Also, my advice, from the start has been about safe sex through and through, perhaps injecting doubt to the bf's loyalty may have been premature, I do apologize. I still believe she should assume that he has had (he has) and could have other partners around.
stillafool Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 6 hours ago, Spring1234 said: am too worried about going on birth control because of the side effects There are hundreds of forms of birth control. Not just one pill but many different ones. You talk to your gyno and they will prescribe the best one for you. This is an easy fix. 1
smackie9 Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 This guy has most likely been masturbating too much, you need to mention it, and suggest he refrain from it and see if this improves. If you can't talk to him openly about this, then you are not ready. As they say if you can't have sex with the lights on you are not ready for it. As for pregnancy, go on the pill or discuss other options with your doctor.
stillafool Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 Back in July you were complaining that your bf isn't sexual enough. How is that supposed to happen without birth control? I know you're a virgin but do you actually want to have sex?
rjc149 Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 I think the only way this guy has remained in the relationship for a *year* on only blowjobs and tuggies is if he has other women on the side he can have real sex with. However, Mormons do exist... He’s taking longer to climax because of the monotony of the methods. Even regular sex with the same person, in the same position, gets old after a while. Variety is the spice of life. Personally, I have a very tough time climaxing from oral from start to finish. Most women don’t do it vigorously enough. Overall sensory stimulation from BJs and handjobs is a tiny fraction of having actual sex with someone you’re in love with. I believe you are nervous about losing your virginity and that’s causing anxiety about unwanted pregnancy when in reality, use of condoms or getting an IUD will prevent that without much of a lifestyle or well-being hit. I also think you’re being naive in believing this guy is going to be eternally patient and wait until you’re ready. He’s a grown man with physical needs that you won’t meet because you don’t want to. I wouldn’t expect that to last too long. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 I don't think your BF has a side piece. I think he's not a very sexual person. At the beginning of this relationship you were the one pushing all the sexual stuff, even though you aren't willing to go all the way. There are much deeper sexual issues on his part & yours then virginity & pregnancy.
Saracena Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 23 minutes ago, stillafool said: Back in July you were complaining that your bf isn't sexual enough. How is that supposed to happen without birth control? I know you're a virgin but do you actually want to have sex? This is what I was thinking as well. You appear to be putting up all sorts of barriers..... In addition, you're renouncing all forms of birth control without actually having tried any of them. As someone else mentioned there are loads to choose from. It's not a given you'll experience side-effects. I remember once I had to go on a medication, which had a long list of side-effect (some painful ones listed) which others commonly experienced but guess what, I had none of them at all, ever! Also, if you're both living at home, do you think this may have a bearing on things?
Gaeta Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 7 hours ago, Spring1234 said: So I've been in a relationship for over a year now with a great, sweet and very understanding guy. I'm 30 and he's 27. I'm a virgin, he isn't. I think it's about time you lose that virginity. Older virgins suffer from anxiety related to their virginity for no reasons. It's not the big deal you make it to be. You also don't want to be dealing with 'being a virgin' at 35 or 40. Not many men will deal with that. It's been a year, you trust him enough to do all those things with him, sounds like a good prospect for you to end that virginity state.
Gaeta Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 5 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I think he's not a very sexual person. I think the guy is just tired of playing 'teen sex' at 27 with a 30 year old girlfriend. No man finds only orals and hand jobs a satisfying sexual experience. 3
stillafool Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I don't think your BF has a side piece. I think he's not a very sexual person. At the beginning of this relationship you were the one pushing all the sexual stuff, even though you aren't willing to go all the way. There are much deeper sexual issues on his part & yours then virginity & pregnancy. I know it's as if you want him to be horny for you but you don't want to give in, just be chased. I agree there are deeper issues here. 1
rjc149 Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 You’re a grown woman in her 30s with the fertility clock winding down, dating a great, patient loving guy for a year, and yet he’s not good enough to have your first sexual experience with? Have you asked yourself why? The “I’m waiting for the perfect place, perfect time, perfect mood, perfect guy” is not an really age-appropriate outlook on this, unless you’re waiting for marriage. I’m thinking maybe there are very deep hang ups about sex here? 2
SumGuy Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 (edited) What Fognozzle said except the parts about 15 minutes requiring some athletic ability. On you BFs climaxing, can say that a hand job has never ever come close to doing it for me, in fact few have been able to even do it in a less than ham fisted fashion. Oral is more a hit or miss, it certainly feels amazing and mind blowing (maybe too much) but it takes a talent to get me over that edge but not past it before my time. You shouldn't feel you have to give him oral for half an hour though, my own jaw would be killing me if gave my girlfriend oral for that long. He likely can successfully masturbate so maybe, like suggested, he needs to do what he needs to do to get there by his own hand with you as part of the mix. Then maybe the favor can be returned, giving you oral for half an hour or at least a 69. I agree if it is "pounding" in the negative sense who wants that, but passionate sex for 15 minutes or more is usually a very desirable thing. I normally go considerably longer and never was the duration a problem for her from the enjoyment perspective (very much the opposite), now we may miss our dinner reservation or lose some sleep, that's another story. Edited February 24, 2020 by SumGuy 2
JTSW Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 2 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Nope. Total stranger giving another total stranger advice or solicited observation...as we all are. Based on her post, she only sees him during weekends, so does she know every that he does and with whom? Also, my advice, from the start has been about safe sex through and through, perhaps injecting doubt to the bf's loyalty may have been premature, I do apologize. I still believe she should assume that he has had (he has) and could have other partners around. After realising that the op was the one that made a post about her bf not being sexual enough, I realised you may be right. I once commented that she is making her bf extremely sexually frustrated with her behavior and that he would indeed look elsewhere for someone who doesn't play games with him. 1
d0nnivain Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: I think it's about time you lose that virginity. Older virgins suffer from anxiety related to their virginity for no reasons. It's not the big deal you make it to be. You also don't want to be dealing with 'being a virgin' at 35 or 40. Not many men will deal with that. It's been a year, you trust him enough to do all those things with him, sounds like a good prospect for you to end that virginity state. It really depends on why she's a virgin. To say just have sex already is irresponsible. There may be religious reasons. There may be mental issues. There may be a combo.
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