Maldives Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 Been 4 yrs now and the feelings are not there like they were then but still in my head..wish I could lobotomise that part of my brain that has the memories of her. The pain has gone but one that still sticks around is the thought of her moving away back home (we are both from interstate) why for the life of me I would feel sad about this and hope it doesn't happen is beyond comprehension lol. Anybody else felt this or been in the same boat?
Tonk Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 There's nothing wrong with having fond memories of a past lover, just keep telling yourself to be realistic. I read this somewhere, can't remember where, but I keep it written down in my wallet in case I need reminding: "Don't let yesterday take up too much of today." 2 1
TeddyBundy1993 Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 4 years is a long time mate. Yes memories haunt. Right now I m haunted too was doing great for months suddenly gets hit right in chest. Life is a bitch and more difficult for people who are sensitive. I m scared of loneliness more. I m not in a position to start over again and the betrayal adds on to the misery haha. But dont loose hope, love partner isnt everything standing alone in life is better than divorce battles or being in the toxic relationship. Stay positive man there's much negativity around us. Take it easy keep moving forward, memories crosses mind of us all good bad all. Dont live in them let them pass. 3
scooby-philly Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 (edited) @Goodguy05 - You need to learn to understand psychology. The memories will never completely fade. Something may happen, someone says something, you go somewhere, or something just randomly pops into your head and it triggers a memory. Usually because you associated some experience, event, etc. with a certain feeling or with a certain place. After 4 years you probably no longer think about that person much. Yet when you do think of them, that does not represent a "bad" event nor does it mean you relapsed in some way. We can't control our minds like that without a lot of weird and unnecessary programming. Let the memories come and take them for what they are - memories of a time, a conversation, a trip, etc. It shows that you act just like every one else. The real question now for you - four years out, what FEELINGS do those memories trigger. If you feel shame or embarrassment over remembering - that's easy to fix and that's you misunderstanding psychology. Maybe you had a possessive SO in the past that berated you for something like that. Or maybe you read some wrong piece of advice out there. Or...maybe you feel embarrassed at the event or memory itself. Depending on what the memory consists of and the rest of your psychology - it could trigger a smirk, a smile, or something negative. Regardless of the feeling that "real question" hinges on not just the feeling that gets triggered but what you do because of it. For example, I'm almost 7 years out of an engagement ending that also lead me to shed some friendships out of my life. I can look back at specific events or memories and smile at the good times, laugh at the silly times, and (kindly) make fun of myself for the times I was wrong or the times I should have been thinking "where is this going". I don't miss them, the memories don't trigger a sudden rush to contact them, and I wouldn't let anyone judge me for experiencing them or how I feel about them. I'm 6 months out of a relationship as of last Friday. Only in the past week or two have I truly become free of wanting her back, missing her to some degree, and really starting to live for myself again. I can think of things, have memories, and most of the time I can smile and laugh at the good stuff, laugh at the silly stuff, and again, (kindly) make fun of myself for the times I should have been like - woah - this needs to stop, change, or start or I'm out of here. And only once in a while do those memories trigger negative feelings. In six more months I will probably be at a similar point with this relationship as I will be with previous ones. Why? Because I've "done the work", especially with the last one, I've learned so much about myself and not just the relationships, and I've embraced the darkness this time wholly and fully even more so then ever before. So - for you OP, don't beat yourself up - ask yourself - what are you feeling and why are you feeling this way when those memories come up? And remember - memories don't mean you want the person or the problems back. It simply means you're human and you can remember the good times along with the bad. Edited February 28, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Paragraphs 1
Author Maldives Posted February 25, 2020 Author Posted February 25, 2020 So true thanks guys appreciate the love and advice ..true I'll just take it for what it is and let it come and go as it pops into my head. We work together so I donno if that kinda prolongs it either never been in this situation wth past exs I never seem em again this one we have worked together almost the same time we split lol
simpycurious Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 Memories help us remember, they make us reflect and they can also be great road maps to new experiences. She is an EX for a reason always keep that forefront in your mind when you do remember. Working together would definitely make "forgetting" more difficult but you can get past it. I hope you find a new love that will light your path and help subdue your memories. 1
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 25, 2020 Posted February 25, 2020 Going through it now but I tend to move on quickly. You have to understand the grieving process and work yourself through the different stages. You can get hung up in certain stages and your mind just refuses to move on. Sometimes you might need additional help to continue towards acceptance. Both of my divorces have been harder on me than the death of my mother but I was able to move on a lot quicker with my divorces. I guess that has something to do with closure. 1
Author Maldives Posted February 25, 2020 Author Posted February 25, 2020 Thanks guys and yes I hope I find someone again been on dates but mmm I'm a lil more weary and have my eyes open this time round. Haven't met someone that I could see myself long-term with harder this time round lol maybe it's the age bracket I'm 48 now so evryone around this age is kinda the same a lil cautious as well 1
scooby-philly Posted February 26, 2020 Posted February 26, 2020 23 hours ago, Goodguy05 said: Thanks guys and yes I hope I find someone again been on dates but mmm I'm a lil more weary and have my eyes open this time round. Haven't met someone that I could see myself long-term with harder this time round lol maybe it's the age bracket I'm 48 now so evryone around this age is kinda the same a lil cautious as well OP - sounds normal. I don't think it's "weary"....as you said - you simply have your eyes open more "this time round". Age and experience teach us what we want, what matters to us, what we won't stand, and also, that we're good enough alone. Sure, it's important to have love in our lives. But that love has to start with self-love. I think as we get older - especially if we did not have great role models in our parents and/or maybe have had certain blinders on - for me it was abandonment issues from childhood that limited my responses in dating - we try to protect our hearts more and realize that it's okay to be alone and that we need to build a life that works for us alone. Now, the flip side of that is being too fussy and choosy and avoiding "getting back out there" as a self-defense mechanism. But I think for the average person, if you're not stuck up, conceited, full of yourself, too "independent", etc. - then you'll eventually meet someone that has enough of the check marks checked and avoids checking off the big "no-nos". 1
Author Maldives Posted February 28, 2020 Author Posted February 28, 2020 On 2/27/2020 at 1:39 AM, scooby-philly said: OP - sounds normal. I don't think it's "weary"....as you said - you simply have your eyes open more "this time round". Age and experience teach us what we want, what matters to us, what we won't stand, and also, that we're good enough alone. Sure, it's important to have love in our lives. But that love has to start with self-love. I think as we get older - especially if we did not have great role models in our parents and/or maybe have had certain blinders on - for me it was abandonment issues from childhood that limited my responses in dating - we try to protect our hearts more and realize that it's okay to be alone and that we need to build a life that works for us alone. Now, the flip side of that is being too fussy and choosy and avoiding "getting back out there" as a self-defense mechanism. But I think for the average person, if you're not stuck up, conceited, full of yourself, too "independent", etc. - then you'll eventually meet someone that has enough of the check marks checked and avoids checking off the big "no-nos". Thanks mate so true
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