New relationship....

[intdibc]

Hi All, 

So I've started seeing someone recently a little over a month now, he is amazing and treats me the way I've always wanted to be treated! We've been on about 7/8 dates now. I can see myself really falling for him. I feel like things may be moving really fast, and as I've read on here before, it's a red flag when someone gets so heavily invested at the start and starts future faking it etc. Because I feel like this exactly how my last relationship started off... so let me point out some things he has been saying/doing... and please tell me if they are red flags etc...

He literally already wants me to move in with him, he says it in a jokey way but I know he really wants me to, I've spent a couple of nights over at his already and he's got the whole of next week off work, and I'm going out of town to a work conference for a few days from tomorrow, so he's asked me to stay from Wednesday onwards at his, and he's planned a little getaway trip on the weekend for us too (all sounds too good to be true lol).

The other night after we had sex he really opened up to me about his last relationship, he was with his ex for 6 years, they broke up last year in June (same time as me with my ex) and told me the real reason they broke up and admitted to me he did cheat on her. (I suppose it's nice of him to be honest and tell me the truth) this has made me a bit weary of him now though.. and not sure what to think - what do you guys think about that?!

He's said that he's been on loads of dates since his break up and he's not clicked with anyone ever, as much as me, and for valentines he got me the cutest customised card and a bunch of flowers (Really sweet considering it was less than a month of seeing each other).

He's already planning a summer holiday, saying let's book a holiday soon! I've been holding off and saying I'll let him know when I can take leave etc...

He's already introduced me to one of his mates but that was cos we bumped into them!

He already makes jokes about marrying me and moving to a new house (near my home)

He mentioned to me the other day that his ex texted him asking if she could come round to get some of the stuff she has left in his house, he said no, she just wants an excuse to come round to his place and that he will mail it to her, but she then didn't reply...(weird he still has her stuff in his house - they did live their together for about a year) after he told me he's like you've got nothing to worry about I promise you that.

Basically, overall I feel like the start of this relationship is just too good to be true so far, and i'm really scared of getting my heartbroken again... but I really can see a future with this guy, he literally ticks all my boxes...

Let me know what you guys think of him? 

 

Edited February 23, 2020 by intdibc

[FMW]

Yikes, in my opinion that's way too much for just a little over a month of seeing each other.  In most cases, things that progress so quickly usually burn completely out pretty quickly too.  You're right to be leery.  It's a classic setup for a broken heart.   

Talking so much about plans for the future indicates to me that he's just trying to fill some void, there's no way you know enough about each other in such a short period of time (no matter how many hours you've spent together) to have a good idea if you are compatible for the long term. His impulsive approach can just as easily be turned to another woman if someone else catches his attention before you have time to establish a solid base to build on.

If things are meant to work out with the two of you then they will - there is absolutely no need to rush.  Enjoy getting to know each other slowly enough to pay attention to your feelings and instincts.  Otherwise you'll just blow right through any red flags - like the fast approach he's trying to take right now.        

 

[d0nnivain]

He is moving too fast & he will burn out.  Meeting the friend was fine.  Some general conversation about maybe we can take a trip together this summer would be OK but pushing the envelope.  The rest . . . is all problematic.   I'd shut it down gently by saying something along the lines of 

"Whoa.  I like you just fine for where we are right now a month in but all this talk about trips, moving in together & marriage are waaayyy too much waaayyy too fast for me.  Let's keep on getting to know each other & we can talk about the future in several months.  I'm not opposed to a summer trip but we're not there yet.  Pushing this too fast will doom us to burn out & I dont' want that.  Just slow down for now. " 

If he doesn't back off I'd be very concerned that he is unstable.  

[preraph]

He hasn't even moved the ex out yet and he's wanting you to move in.  Something wrong there.  For starters, you now know it was very contentious and that he hasn't let her get her stuff back and yet he is who was at fault cheating.  So nice as he's been, you now know he is a mean butthead to breakup with.   

I would be curious about a couple of practical things about why he wants you to move in.  One, did her moving out leave him stuck with a mortgage or rent he can't afford and he wants to fill that slot and 2) I'd have a conversation about whether or not he did half of the housework with his ex or not.  He may just want someone to pay rent and clean house.  I think you can find sneaky ways of finding that out.  

 

Overall, I'd tell him he's moving too fast and you're not about to move in, and then I'd spend time getting answers.  It's too soon to invest in a trip months from now too.  

[intdibc]

20 minutes ago, preraph said:

He hasn't even moved the ex out yet and he's wanting you to move in.  Something wrong there.  For starters, you now know it was very contentious and that he hasn't let her get her stuff back and yet he is who was at fault cheating.  So nice as he's been, you now know he is a mean butthead to breakup with.   

I would be curious about a couple of practical things about why he wants you to move in.  One, did her moving out leave him stuck with a mortgage or rent he can't afford and he wants to fill that slot and 2) I'd have a conversation about whether or not he did half of the housework with his ex or not.  He may just want someone to pay rent and clean house.  I think you can find sneaky ways of finding that out.  

 

Overall, I'd tell him he's moving too fast and you're not about to move in, and then I'd spend time getting answers.  It's too soon to invest in a trip months from now too.  

He earns plenty of money way more than me, so it's not the mortgage issue. He doesn't like the house he's in anyway, as he bought that house for him and his ex (3 bedroom house, as he wanted to have kids in the future). I forgot to mention that, he broke up with her, it was due to their sex life, she couldn't have sex and never sorted out the problem she had, so he eventually had enough and said he couldn't stay in a sexless relationship and I don't think she knew he cheated on her. (Bad, I know). I like how honest he is being with me, but I am very wary. I will tell him we need to slow things down this week, as everything is moving quite fast.

I don't know whether the reason for his rushing into a relationship is because, he used to be in the army, he only (2 years ago) left the service, so he didn't see his ex much as 4 years of that relationship was when he was in the army... but I don't know... but I do think it all is a bit red flaggy!

Just don't want to cut things off, and it turned out he was the one or something like that, if you know what I mean...

Edited February 23, 2020 by intdibc

[preraph]

Him being honest about cheating in no way means he won't do it again . It only means you're been warned by him that he will do it again.  It's too soon for all this nonsense and you need to tell him so.  About the trip, just say, We don't even know if we'll still be talking months from now.  As for moving in, We haven't known each other long enough to even consider that.  

 

Listen, you don't know a person until you've seen them in adverse circumstances like when they're ill or you're ill or one of your cars breaks down or you don't feel like having sex or giving him a BJ.  You don't know a person until they aren't getting their way.  And that can take years sometimes.  A friend of mine married a guy she'd dated 3 years and he moved her to where he was newly stationed in the Navy and as soon as he got her away from her friends and family, he started hitting her.  He didn't have the nerve to do that when she had support.  So you never know and there is no reason to get in a hurry.  If it's real, it will cruise along comfortably without pressure to do these things.  

[intdibc]

4 minutes ago, preraph said:

Him being honest about cheating in no way means he won't do it again . It only means you're been warned by him that he will do it again.  It's too soon for all this nonsense and you need to tell him so.  About the trip, just say, We don't even know if we'll still be talking months from now.  As for moving in, We haven't known each other long enough to even consider that.  

 

Listen, you don't know a person until you've seen them in adverse circumstances like when they're ill or you're ill or one of your cars breaks down or you don't feel like having sex or giving him a BJ.  You don't know a person until they aren't getting their way.  And that can take years sometimes.  A friend of mine married a guy she'd dated 3 years and he moved her to where he was newly stationed in the Navy and as soon as he got her away from her friends and family, he started hitting her.  He didn't have the nerve to do that when she had support.  So you never know and there is no reason to get in a hurry.  If it's real, it will cruise along comfortably without pressure to do these things.  

You're completely right... I will tell him we need to hit the brakes a bit!

[rjc149]

You're the rebound. He's doing everything to bring you up to speed to where the ex left off. He can't be alone and single, he needs to replace the relationship ASAP. 

An honest person who is unhappy in a sexless relationship ends the relationship *before* having sex with another person. Just because he's being forthcoming with facts doesn't necessarily show integrity. 

If a relationship seems too good to be true, that's because it is. Fireworks are exciting because they explode brightly and immediately. But once they've exploded, that's it. A good relationship is more like adding logs to a slow-burning fire and building it over time. That ain't what this is. Be careful. 

[elaine567]

4 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

You're the rebound. He's doing everything to bring you up to speed to where the ex left off. He can't be alone and single, he needs to replace the relationship ASAP. 

Exactly.
You feel incredibly wanted and loved as he is treating like his ex (the nice version of her before it all went sour, the version he loved and adored).
You are her substitute and he wants to get back there and feel all cosy and safe again.
BUT you are not her and one day he will likely wake up to realise that.

Cheaters lie and that is the problem.
How can you really ever trust him?

[Watercolors]

12 minutes ago, rjc149 said:

You're the rebound. He's doing everything to bring you up to speed to where the ex left off. He can't be alone and single, he needs to replace the relationship ASAP. 

An honest person who is unhappy in a sexless relationship ends the relationship *before* having sex with another person. Just because he's being forthcoming with facts doesn't necessarily show integrity. 

If a relationship seems too good to be true, that's because it is. Fireworks are exciting because they explode brightly and immediately. But once they've exploded, that's it. A good relationship is more like adding logs to a slow-burning fire and building it over time. That ain't what this is. Be careful. 

My thoughts exactly. He still hasn't given his ex-g/f back her things and they were together for 6 years. That is a HUGE red flag right there. If the only reason they broke up was lack of sex, then why drag out returning her things to her? Where's the mutual respect on his part after 6 years together? That screams emotionally immature guy to me. 

He's trying to replace her with you. So he's saying all the right things, faking future talk with you, being charming, etc. which is all a facade to a certain extent. People always put on their best "face" when they first start dating. Like preraph said, wait until you feel comfortable without him pressuring you, to decide to go on summer vacation with him etc. Do NOT let him call the shots here. 

[smackie9]

Stage 4 clinger, codependency. He's just trying to quickly fill in the void that was lost from his last LTR. I agree with everyone, he doesn't want to be alone, can't handle being single, can't be his own person, needs a woman to give him a life. RED FLAGssssssssssssssssssss.

[Watercolors]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Exactly.
You feel incredibly wanted and loved as he is treating like his ex (the nice version of her before it all went sour, the version he loved and adored).
You are her substitute and he wants to get back there and feel all cosy and safe again.
BUT you are not her and one day he will likely wake up to realise that.

Cheaters lie and that is the problem.
How can you really ever trust him?

Exactly. Cheaters lie and repeat their behavior. They can't help themselves, until they can. 
Having dated several cheaters, I see the signs that your boyfriend is setting you up so that when he gets bored with you, he'll cheat on you the same as he did with his ex-g/f of 6 years. You've only seen one side of him and it's only been 7 or 8 dates. That's not nearly long enough to really know who a person is. Not long at all. 

[Watercolors]

1 minute ago, smackie9 said:

Stage 4 clinger, codependency. He's just trying to quickly fill in the void that was lost from his last LTR. I agree with everyone, he doesn't want to be alone, can't handle being single, can't be his own person, needs a woman to give him a life. RED FLAGssssssssssssssssssss.

Cheaters are very codependent. Look it up. These two dsyfunctional coping mechanisms work interdependently with each other in a person who has low emotional IQ, and low self-worth/self-esteem. He's basically handing you red flag after red flag and you two barely know each other. Slow it down, or before you know it, you'll be wrapped up in a web of lies with him that leave your head spinning wondering why you didn't stop this before it started. 

[ExpatInItaly]

1 hour ago, intdibc said:

 I like how honest he is being with me, but I am very wary. I will tell him we need to slow things down this week, as everything is moving quite fast.

You don't know him well enough to know if he is being honest, though. 

I don't think he's making up the fact he cheated on her, to be clear. That would be awfully strange thing to lie about. However, you have no idea if his version of events is true, nor if any of what he's told you about their relationship is true. You don't know if it's true that it was sexless. My point is that I wouldn't necessarily take everything he says as the truth, nor would I award him for it. He still did a crappy thing. Being honest about it doesn't make it less crappy, and it sure doesn't mean he wouldn't do it again. 

That aside for the moment - yes, I think it's all moving way too fast. He hasn't even got all her things out of the house yet and he's already musing about moving you in. That is indeed a warning bell, as is the rush to plan get-aways, summer holidays and the like. You still barely know him. I would pump the brakes and if he doesn't understand or respect that, I would look elsewhere for a more compatible guy. 

[intdibc]

I will speak to him about it this week, the thing with ex gf is she's moved somewhere new, and won't give her new address to him so he can mail her things to her. He said he doesn't want her to come round because he knows she's trying to worm her way back into his life again, and it's her excuse to come see him to keep saying she wants her things back... (again I know his side of the story). 

 

Thing is, I know he's been dating around and seeing other girls before he met me, he told me that, and he said he's stopped talking to other girls since he met me, cos he feels like he hasn't connected with someone as much as me before (we scarily have A LOT in common) - it is weird! Also, another thing I know this may not be relevant but I want to let you guys know, I'm of Indian heritage and he is White, his ex was white, and everyone else he has ever been with was white too, and he has said that I've changed his outlook on life since meeting me, he never usually goes for Indian girls etc but now he says he doesn't even look at another white girl since he's met me... (again, he maybe just saying this to look good, but i've seen his facebook and pics of him and his ex etc) literally everyone around him is white, and I'm not his usual type for a fact.

But, again I want to take things slow, and see how things go... 

[intdibc]

2 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said:

You don't know him well enough to know if he is being honest, though. 

I don't think he's making up the fact he cheated on her, to be clear. That would be awfully strange thing to lie about. However, you have no idea if his version of events is true, nor if any of what he's told you about their relationship is true. You don't know if it's true that it was sexless. My point is that I wouldn't necessarily take everything he says as the truth, nor would I award him for it. He still did a crappy thing. Being honest about it doesn't make it less crappy, and it sure doesn't mean he wouldn't do it again. 

That aside for the moment - yes, I think it's all moving way too fast. He hasn't even got all her things out of the house yet and he's already musing about moving you in. That is indeed a warning bell, as is the rush to plan get-aways, summer holidays and the like. You still barely know him. I would pump the brakes and if he doesn't understand or respect that, I would look elsewhere for a more compatible guy. 

No, I completely get that, and you're all right. I don't want to go into too much detail incase he ever saw this thread or she did lol but he told me they obviously did other things but she had a condition called Vaginismus, she had it from the start of the relationship, but she promised him that she would sort it out throughout the 6 years, the fact he stayed with her for 6 years whilst she had that, to me kinda shows he is a good guy... he just couldn't do it anymore cos she wasn't willing to work it through and he said due to that condition they def wouldn't ever have kids. But, again it's what he's told me...

[elaine567]

14 minutes ago, intdibc said:

...the thing with ex gf is she's moved somewhere new, and won't give her new address to him so he can mail her things to her. He said he doesn't want her to come round because he knows she's trying to worm her way back into his life again, and it's her excuse to come see him to keep saying she wants her things back... (again I know his side of the story). 

Doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Surely if she wanted him back, she would happily tell him where she lives.
The fact she refuses to tell him where she lives is not good.
Women tend to do that to men who won't leave them alone or to men who have abused them...

[Watercolors]

Still. Look at the facts. You've written that you've only been on 7 or 8 dates with this guy. And already you're in a relationship and he's your boyfriend? That's really soon to be throwing around labels like that after you two barely know each other. 

[intdibc]

4 minutes ago, Watercolors said:

Still. Look at the facts. You've written that you've only been on 7 or 8 dates with this guy. And already you're in a relationship and he's your boyfriend? That's really soon to be throwing around labels like that after you two barely know each other. 

Sorry, my mistake for saying new relationship, I should title it dating someone new, he hasn't asked me to be his gf yet lol does feel like being in one though, so far lol

I appreciate everyone's feedback, and I will speak to him this week and let you know how it goes...

[intdibc]

7 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

Doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
Surely if she wanted him back, she would happily tell him where she lives.
The fact she refuses to tell him where she lives is not good.
Women tend to do that to men who won't leave them alone or to men who have abused them...

It's not that she won't give him the address, he's shown me the texts lol she messages him asking if she can come round to get her stuff and he will reply back i'll mail it to you and then she won't respond and she messaged him the same thing a couple months ago, so he doesn't know where he should mail it too, cos she'll ignore the message, I've seen the texts she wants to come round, if she wanted her stuff back that bad surely she'd give any old address even her parents lol

[dramallama]

Wow, you are in a *very* different situation to me so I'm going to outline mine which is best described as a 'slow burn' and see how you feel about it all in comparison.

I started talking to my guy late August, it took us 10 days to meet due to schedules, we've been seeing each other 2-3 times a month as between work, distance, children - that's what we can manage (we've spoken every single day though).  Up front he said he was looking for marriage, I said I was looking for something meaningful though as a divorcee marriage isn't a 'goal'. We had a DTR talk at 4 months - he wasn't ready to call it a relationship as for him when he declares himself with a 'girlfriend' he's heading for the aisle, but we're exclusive and both committed (having said explicitly so) to building a deeper connection and seeing if this could be 'it'.  Last weekend he acknowledged that after a relationship breakdown about 5-6 years ago he filled up his life to the extent there's no real room for a relationship - and he's realised he needs to address that now because he wants to make space for me.

This is all VASTLY different to your situation!

Whilst my situation would probably drive you potty with how slowly it's unfolding, I believe if something's meant to be, you've got your whole lives, so what's the rush? Get to know each other slowly, savour the experience. Don't binge on each other and make yourself sick, you know?

[Fletch Lives]

intdibc's new relationship: Well, that kind of cheating happens when people are in a relationship and don't get sex (intercourse). It was a revenge cheat. I'm not saying it's good or bad, it's just commonplace.

But the other stuff - yeah, he's moving too fast, talking a lot about the future, including moving in and marriage.  Lots of red flags here. Something is wrong with him. He sounds a little coo coo for cocoa puffs

 

dramallama's relationship: You two have been dating plenty long enough to use the titles girlfriend and boyfriend. So maybe it's a little slow. Other than that I don't see an issue. How long was his last relationship and how long had he been single before he met you?

Edited February 23, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[Gr8fuln2020]

Oy, there's a lot going on with this guy. You don't know the reason why he cheated and they broke up. Not for sure. Notice he spilled the beans AFTER you had sex. His mentioning of a sexless relationship could be to EMPHASIZE his need for it. Also, like the others, he is moving way too fast. You know that and you cannot afford to move in with him. He's a stranger who has had and continues to have an unhealthy relationship with his ex. Why doesn't he simply return his ex's stuff to her? Spite? Not sure why her coming back to retrieve what are her belongings is an issue. He could easily expedite the process and have her completely detached from his life by doing so. Perhaps he doesn't...

Yeah, you are a rebound and he is finding ways to take advantage of this situation.

I don't understand the 6 year relationship thing. He was in the army for 4 of the 6? Did he ever see her during the four years? So, really only a 2 year relationship?

[chillii]

Orrrrr, he might just be genuinely over the moon with you and so exited he's just getting ahead of himself.

You could just explain that you don't wanna move too fast so enough of the plans and future talk for now , keep seeing him see how things go , give it 6mths get to know each other more . lf he's got any real problems they'll be showing by then.

[intdibc]

1 hour ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

Oy, there's a lot going on with this guy. You don't know the reason why he cheated and they broke up. Not for sure. Notice he spilled the beans AFTER you had sex. His mentioning of a sexless relationship could be to EMPHASIZE his need for it. Also, like the others, he is moving way too fast. You know that and you cannot afford to move in with him. He's a stranger who has had and continues to have an unhealthy relationship with his ex. Why doesn't he simply return his ex's stuff to her? Spite? Not sure why her coming back to retrieve what are her belongings is an issue. He could easily expedite the process and have her completely detached from his life by doing so. Perhaps he doesn't...

Yeah, you are a rebound and he is finding ways to take advantage of this situation.

I don't understand the 6 year relationship thing. He was in the army for 4 of the 6? Did he ever see her during the four years? So, really only a 2 year relationship?

Yeah, well he did see her for 2 weeks, every 5/6 months when they took their leave, but obvs weren't together properly, that's why the sex wasn't that much of an issue, I assume. I am very wary, and will taking things super slow now!

Edited February 23, 2020 by intdibc