Back with the ex, or the unlikely new partner? LONG!

[Fognozzle]

Hi all, I've been in a bit of a mess for days now and I think I need to spill this out and hear the unfettered opinions of some strangers. I honestly tried to summarize the details and keep it (relatively) short and interesting, but there's a lot of stuff, so it has turned into a popcorn scroller for those that are interested!

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T has a troubled past, having spent 20 years with a narcissistic and abusive partner that really hurt both her and their son. She is deeply scarred from this, and can be defensive and closed at times. You need to understand, though, that there is no manipulation, theatrics or drama in T - she is as genuine as they come, and any emotion from her is utterly real.

We are both 47. We met online in late 2013, but only actually dated twice despite exchanging a lot of messages. Ultimately it fizzled due to her busy single-mum situation and we lost touch. I sent her an email in mid 2017, and didn't hear anything back until she replied about a year later. We reconnected immediately, dated, and fell head over heels in love. I realised I had never loved another woman like I loved T. Within a couple of months she had taken all her long service leave and 'quit' her job to move in with me in the country, leaving her son to look after himself (which he loved). We lived together for about 6 months, then her son returned to university, her long service pay ran out, and she moved back to their flat in the city and her good job.

I was running a small business that couldn't really support or employ both of us, at least not until it grew. I also had no desire to move back to the city. I pressed T for some discussion on our future together (we had loosely discussed a shared desire to move to her former home state, to be closer to her mother, which suited me). Unfortunately T was unable to discuss the future without huge anxiety, and she refused to do it. Our relationship became little more than 'friends with benefits', and we would visit each other occasionally and take short holidays together, having a lovely time and nice sex but with no real commitment.

After about 6 months of this I pressed her again, with the same result, and so with great pain I formally broke off the 'romantic' side of the relationship. T is a pretty progressive type of person (she had a lesbian relationship in the past) and it seemed that FWB suited us both for now. I happened to find better paid work on remote construction projects and we stayed in touch and saw each other occasionally, and I even quizzed her on how she would feel if I started dating someone else. Her response was 'ambivalent'. We still loved each other, and would occasionally say it, but it was in a different way, more like lifelong friends.

Highly surprisingly, a few weeks ago I struck up a friendship with a much younger (27) woman, 'S', that worked at the workers' accommodation. She had never dated an older guy, but she had clearly taken a shine to me and it rapidly evolved into a romantic relationship. She too had had an abusive partner and she wasn't ready to jump into sex, but we were intimate and to some degree I helped her trust men again. S knew about T as my ex and occasional FWB, and T knew about S as my new silly romantic interest.

This is where things take a turn. Just as my relationship with S was deepening and starting to become more sexual, T suddenly declared her deep love for me and her desire for us to commit to a future together. Apparently the year or so of distance between us was a mistake, partly due to her menopause, partly due to her emotional scars, partly due to her perception of my weak financial status leading to her fear of resuming her role as caretaker of a hopeless man. All these things have changed, and she is literally beside herself in pain and anxiety, fearing that she has made the biggest mistake of her life and lost me to a younger woman. In her (scarred, self-protecting) mind our relationship never ended, she never mourned its loss, and is suddenly facing it now. She needs me to make an immediate choice, and if it's not her then she'll be gone from my life forever so she can deal with the pain and heal.

Remember I've had a year to mourn the loss of the deep romantic relationship with T. It was over. But of course I still love her, and have an amazing history with her, and cannot bear the thought of losing her from my life altogether. Part of me remembers the amazing life we had when we were in love, and wants that again. She is a once-in-a-lifetime woman, and to some extent I feel like I owe it to myself to forgive and to trust and to try again.

My initial response was to try and end the relationship with both women, out of fairness to them while I dealt with my own emotional processing. This deeply upset S, who has rather stronger feelings for me than I realised (it was a young relationship after all, people are coy with their true feelings early on) and who feels deeply hurt and betrayed just as she was opening up to a man again. And the truth is my feelings for her were stronger than I realised too. S is no idiot, she's a strong woman in her own right with an amazing story and who I was very much looking forward to getting to know better. The fact that she is young and gorgeous is icing on the cake, but it is beside the point. I was really excited to be falling for someone again and life was wonderful.

T, of course, cannot accept any hiatus. We are hundreds of kilometres apart, and I am living in close proximity to S, so in her mind any doubt or delay on my part will inevitably lead to the continuance of a relationship with S and so T wants to cut and run if I'm not 100% committed.

For my part, obviously, I'm torn. I feel that either way, I'm being an idiot. I'd be an idiot to choose a hot young thing over an amazing woman with whom I've been (and may still be) deeply in love. But I'd also be an idiot to throw away a potentially amazing new relationship with a woman that currently, right now, makes me happy, in favour of rekindling an old flame that's hurt me, has fizzled before, and may well fizzle again.

Both options seem unrealistic. My heart says apologise to S for all the mess and make a commitment to her to see where that relationship goes. But it also says that T is totally worth every ounce of forgiveness and effort, and a life with her could be wonderful.

So sorry for the wall of text, and thanks for reading - please feel free to share your thoughts, and ask any questions. I'll gladly share any details you want to hear!

Edited February 23, 2020 by Fognozzle

[Miss Spider]

Sounds like T only really came sniffing back around when she found out she could lose you to another woman. Nahhh

Edited February 23, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[ExpatInItaly]

T is not a good choice. She didn't much care until another woman came into the scene, which strongly suggests this is her ego talking and not genuine feelings for you. My hunch is that if you tried again with her, she would rapidly lose interest - again. The deep and genuine desire for you as a person just isn't there, in my opinion. She likes knowing you're around and that you want her, but she isn't that into you. 

Will your fledgling relationship with S go somewhere? It's hard to say. She's substantially younger, which can work, but often comes with a series of challenges. She also now knows your feelings for your ex are still lingering, which is going to be hard to overcome. 

Whatever happens, I think you are wise to steer well clear of T. 

[Wanderlust2018]

Agree with the others. Go with the younger gal. T had her chance...what if she pulls the same stuff again?!? No thanks. 
 

 

[dramallama]

If you first met T in 2013, then I'd say it's just not meant to be between you - if there hasn't been a 'right time' for you two to be in a committed relationship in seven years there isn't going to be one. You can have a deep connection and be friends - my high school boyfriend and I have an incredible bond and are close confidantes a couple of decades later, but he's certainly not the one for me to share my life with.

With regards S - who knows, but it seems worth the enjoyment right now. Good luck.

[Fletch Lives]

Competition sometimes raises love level - so now both women want you more. So how to choose?

The problem with T is, you broke up a year ago. If you try to go back, you may find that the love you remember won't come back, and is just a ghost. Unlike what you see in Hollywood movies, love rarely returns once it's gone. It's called ghostly lover syndrome.

Additionally, by trying to go back to T, you may also lose S..........so you may lose both women in the process.

You get one chance at love per person.

[Blind-Sided]

1) You broke up with T for a reason.  My firm feelings are... don't ever go back because that reason will eventually come back to life.

2) As others have said... she is only coming back because you are more "attractive" to her as you now have a 27yo GF. AND... she is single, and just looking for someone.

3) T's mind isn't in the right place. Even with years to try to get things together... it will end in heartache to you... and without a GF.  She has been leading you on for years, and the only reason you feel so much for her is... she has been "Bread Crumbing" you for all that time.  Every uncertainty has made you want her more. (mental game)

So... let T know you are flattered, and you still have feelings... but you are together with someone who is treating you better, and putting your feelings first.  AND... you are declining her offer.

[Fognozzle]

Thanks everyone for the replies, and for reading the huge WoT.

And of course, this being love, and me being an idiot, I've already stuffed it up again.

I should point out, in T's defence, that there HAS been a bit more of a spark recently when we've seen each other and slept together, before S arrived on the scene. It seems that in her mind we were rekindling something, while in mine we were simply having a nice time.

Regardless of this, I've blown it with S because I actually broke up with her when I realised I was torn and it didn't feel fair to continue the relationship under those circumstances. I doubt she would accept me back at all, but it would certainly only occur if I totally ended the relationship with T.

I tried to end it with T, to level the playing field and give myself thinking space, but she reacted terribly. I saw the awful reality of her fear and anxiety, she actually collapsed and couldn't breathe, and was shaking uncontrollably and trying to grab her keys to drive the 3 hours home. It was genuine, and harrowing. I backtracked, and promised I'd give us another shot, but she still suspects I will end the relationship.

So as it stands,  I am still in a relationship with T, although she understands there is anger and resentment on my part and it's going to take time to trust her with my heart again, if I even decide to try. And I see S every day and she won't even look at me, which cuts me up.

Seems like my options are to try again with T and find out the hard way whether it was all a good idea, or end it now, and hope that I can win back S (I'm not sure I can).

What a mess.

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, Fognozzle said:

............................

What a mess.

I was going to write a long post back... but you summed it up right there.  And you need to understand that you put yourself there... and hurt the heart of S for no reason other than you THINK you may still having feelings for a woman who is mentally unstable.  I wish I could give you some uplifting words... but I can't.

[ExpatInItaly]

You are almost surely going to regret your choice to bother trying again with T. But, sometimes we need life to smack us upside the head a few times to really see the error in our own ways. 

Whatever you do, leave S be. It's very unlikely that would work out now, but you were right to end it with her if you were this conflicted by T's sudden interest. You evidently weren't in any head-space to be dating another woman with T still lurking in the wings.