This Door Can't be Left Ajar - off topic thread jack posts

February 21, 2020

This thread contains the off topic thread jack from :

Edited February 22, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

February 21, 2020

12 hours ago, Beca L said:

I am assuming from your post that you are a guy who was the WS, is that correct? I understand what you are saying but you really have no idea what the AP goes through. This happened to me 2 years ago and yes he left then to return to his wife and I know that moving on for me has not been possible because we have continued to stay in touch and see each other. What I'm trying to say is that I think about him all the time, yes some days when I'm busy with the kids it is not as much and those are good days. However on bad days he occupies my mind and I ruminate constantly about what has happened and how he ended up going back after 12 months together. I can't imagine ever going for weeks without thinking of him. Your situation may be different but to think that women who fall in love with a WS and plan a future with them and then are just dumped out of the blue can just move on and forget is just naive and insensitive. I have been traumatised by what has happened to me and I'm not sure I will ever be over it.

agreed, i never presumed to know exactly what she went thru... but i have had a glimpse, i'm sure in other posts i've said something similar.. and if the glimpse is anything she's gone thru, it makes me regret it even more.

however, 12yrs later, she's finally moved on... i'm sure some part of her may think of me from time to time.. but ironically, the roles were reversed when it ended, and i've become the one pondering her, whereas she's moved on to another.... (shrug)...

as for you, i hope some day, your memories of him will become more a memory and not so much trauma.. as i've said before, it'll be a long process, as it was for my AP.. but eventually, even after 12 years, she moved on... i'm glad for it, and i am devastated by it... but it is as it should be.

February 21, 2020

10 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

as for you, i hope some day, your memories of him will become more a memory and not so much trauma.. as i've said before, it'll be a long process, as it was for my AP.. but eventually, even after 12 years, she moved on... i'm glad for it, and i am devastated by it... but it is as it should be.

Thanks for your reply. Are you still with your wife ? Why didn’t you go after your AP?
I don’t know what the future holds for me and maybe I will move on eventually. I’m sorry that you have finally realised what you gave up. It all seems like such a waste of time. Life is short and you should have taken that risk. Life is for living ! 12 years is such a long time, when you could have been together. I hope you find some peace now.

February 21, 2020

7 minutes ago, Beca L said:

12 years is such a long time, when you could have been together. I

But the point is he didn't want to be "together", that wasn't what it was all about and that is what many OW fail to grasp.

February 21, 2020

5 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

But the point is he didn't want to be "together", that wasn't what it was all about and that is what many OW fail to grasp.

If you’ve never been the OW how can you possibly understand ? You haven’t walked in our shoes. You may have been the BS but that’s not the same. At the time he may not have wanted to be or been able to be with the OW but couldn’t bear to let her go, yes that was wrong and pure selfishness. However you only realise what you’ve truly had until it’s gone. He’s certainly suffering now. He may still be stuck in an unhappy marriage as not every A is about something on the side. I do believe that most MM would prefer to be with the OW and long to be with them. However they are weak and cowardly and are unable to leave BS because of family, finances and social standing etc. Yes it’s pathetic and wrong but these men are spineless and dishonest. So in my eyes it was a total waste of 12 years of his life, AP’s life and BS’s life. They could have all been a lot happier if he had done the honest and decent thing and left a dead marriage.

February 21, 2020

1 hour ago, Beca L said:

Thanks for your reply. Are you still with your wife ? Why didn’t you go after your AP?
I don’t know what the future holds for me and maybe I will move on eventually. I’m sorry that you have finally realised what you gave up. It all seems like such a waste of time. Life is short and you should have taken that risk. Life is for living ! 12 years is such a long time, when you could have been together. I hope you find some peace now.

my partner and I are working things out. From what i've read, even if successful, it'll take a long time to rebuild our relationship into something new, since i destroyed the last one.

I've written much of what transpired between my AP and I, relevations, delusions, rationalizations, etc.. one could say it's all about timing, but in the end, she made her choice, and moved on. Whether or not, my choices in denying her lead to her decision or whether she would have reached the same decision even IF i had joined her... we'll never know. Who knows. There are no real good explanations that would make sense or help me move on; but that's how most relationships end.. it ends for one, and leaves the other mid stride in confusion or mebbe self denial. In any case, you're right... after all that, it does feel like a waste of time... and yet, it's shaped me into who i am, also...

people/events enter our lives unbidden, and they have the ability to change you a little or greatly... sometimes by your choice, but many more times, unbidden. But you just can't know how the alternative would have turned out. And that unrealized possibilities is always something that lingers in the mind. The path not taken.

But you can also get some insights on how you think it would have turned out... and though nothing is certain, that's life... you make choices and you ride the path and see where it goes.. there is no certainty in life, except death and taxes.

February 21, 2020

1 hour ago, elaine567 said:

But the point is he didn't want to be "together", that wasn't what it was all about and that is what many OW fail to grasp.

very true. But it took me 12 years to realize just exactly why... you make rationalizations, self deluded reasonings, but most of the time, you follow a gut reaction decision... but to explain why you reject someone, ... sometimes you yourself don't know exactly why... or you think you do, but that's not really why.

it took me 12 yrs to realize, and only at the very end of our relationship, on our last hurrah together... to realize that she was the riskier choice... a potential happiness, but with many caveats... whereas my current relationship was the safer choice, more sane, less crazy, and less drama filled person...

my AP pushed me to the edge of what i was comfortable with... but without her in my life, i wouldn't have become who i am now... i am better for it... but i'm also suffering for it... but i don't doubt i probably caused her more suffering in the end...

funny thing is... when i finally came around and chose her.. she realized she didn't want it. go figure. Whether this was b/c of years of rejection, or deep inside, she didn't really want me, but was more obsessed with the rejection of her... who's to say.

February 21, 2020

23 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

whereas my current relationship was the safer choice, more sane, less crazy, and less drama filled person...

But really is that living?? do you look at your current partner and feel love and a sparkle ? do they make your heart sing ? People live longer and longer these days and to stay with the same person forever I think is just unrealistic. You are different person now than when you met 10, 20 or 30 years ago. Yes you might have a family but in years to come will your children be happy that their parents stayed together because of a sense of duty or loyalty or because it felt safe and secure. What about love ? shared interests ? intimacy? emotional connection ? respect?

The fact that you were in relations with someone else for 12 years tells me all of those aspects have gone from your marriage with your spouse.

February 21, 2020

36 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

funny thing is... when i finally came around and chose her.. she realized she didn't want it. go figure. Whether this was b/c of years of rejection, or deep inside, she didn't really want me, but was more obsessed with the rejection of her... who's to say.

I can understand why she did that. I sometimes feel the same might happen to me. My XAP did the right thing in the beginning and left his BS, we made plans for our future together and he was honest with his family about what he wanted. His decisions were brave (I know some will say otherwise) and he didn't want to cheat and lie to his wife. He showed me he was strong and true. However since going back he has shown a side of himself to me that I don't like. Weak, cowardly, pathetic, dishonest and indecisive. He left BS in the beginning because he didn't want to lie and cheat yet that is all he has done in the last 2 years. I have been his emotional crutch, therapist, friend and occasional lover just so he can be safe and secure at home with her and have contact with his sons. The person I originally fell for 3 years ago is not the same person today, he's not as attractive to me any more.

Maybe your AP did really want you but was so disillusioned with you and your behaviour towards her over the years. She realised that you just weren't the person she thought you were. Also when you finally chose her, were you actually single ? divorced? living on you own? free to have a new relationship ? I pretty much doubt that you were. To her it might have just been another empty promise so she waved you away.

February 21, 2020

36 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I can understand why she did that. I sometimes feel the same might happen to me. My XAP did the right thing in the beginning and left his BS, we made plans for our future together and he was honest with his family about what he wanted. His decisions were brave (I know some will say otherwise) and he didn't want to cheat and lie to his wife. He showed me he was strong and true. However since going back he has shown a side of himself to me that I don't like. Weak, cowardly, pathetic, dishonest and indecisive. He left BS in the beginning because he didn't want to lie and cheat yet that is all he has done in the last 2 years. I have been his emotional crutch, therapist, friend and occasional lover just so he can be safe and secure at home with her and have contact with his sons. The person I originally fell for 3 years ago is not the same person today, he's not as attractive to me any more.

Maybe your AP did really want you but was so disillusioned with you and your behaviour towards her over the years. She realised that you just weren't the person she thought you were. Also when you finally chose her, were you actually single ? divorced? living on you own? free to have a new relationship ? I pretty much doubt that you were. To her it might have just been another empty promise so she waved you away.

it's all very possible.

but the one thing i never did was lie to her. it would have been easier if i just agreed with her and "made plans"... but i didn't. That was the one consistency between us. I can't tell you how many times i hurt her every time she'd ask me to leave my partner at the time for her... and i'd reject her... i'd listen to her rage, listen to her tears.. iit was the least i could do for the hurt i was giving her...

i remember before, when she and I first met... our first meeting face to face... i ended my relationship with my GF at the time, the next day.. and made plans to move near her... attend fisher school in Ohio, etc.. if i recall, it was she who broke it off during that time.. gosh, i hadn't thought about this for a while.... i think at the time she gave me the reason being that she felt she was trapping me... perhaps she wasn't ready to leave, i'm not sure... but she told me to move on with my life.. perhaps it was a test.... but what she prob didn't understand about me at the time was that I don't stay where i'm not wanted.. i left brokenhearted, took me months to get back to "normal"... infact, now that i think about it, she told me she lied to me on several occasions about her reasons for breaking up.. or mebbe at the time, she honestly believed those were the reasons, but later realized it wasn't... i'm not sure. But every time she ended it, i let her go...

now that i think about it... mebbe that's why when she asked me to leave my partner, i kept telling her no... i hadn't thought about the prev breakup when she broke it off with me.. so long ago...

so the one consistency that never changed was my honesty with her.. so when i told her i'd choose her, she knew it wasn't empty words... i always kept my promises to her. Never once did i fail her in that regard, so she knows that much about me hadn't changed... though, to be honest, looking back... ehh, it doesn't matter...

right now, she's in her own life with another guy... with a diff life path... away from me, and that is what's important. I will be a life learning lesson memory, if even that. And that's how it should be.

Edited February 21, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

February 21, 2020

57 minutes ago, Beca L said:

But really is that living?? do you look at your current partner and feel love and a sparkle ? do they make your heart sing ? People live longer and longer these days and to stay with the same person forever I think is just unrealistic. You are different person now than when you met 10, 20 or 30 years ago. Yes you might have a family but in years to come will your children be happy that their parents stayed together because of a sense of duty or loyalty or because it felt safe and secure. What about love ? shared interests ? intimacy? emotional connection ? respect?

The fact that you were in relations with someone else for 12 years tells me all of those aspects have gone from your marriage with your spouse.

that's a very good question. I'm still trying to figure that out.

my AP married her hub b/c he was good on paper.. she refused her ex-BF at the time... he flew thousands of miles to find her... and ended up in the hospital over heartache over her... some might call it psycho some might call it love...(shrug)... but i believe he truly loved her... and from what i heard from her version, she loved him too, but she chose the guy who was good on paper... obviously, years later she regretted that choice, b/c she realized though she came from poverty and now was really really really well off, she realized she wanted love or whatever idea of love/physical chemistry she value. That's where we connected and b/c the chemistry between us was so strong, we dived head in first, knowing how wrong it was.

When i met my current partner, it was a year or so after my AP and I met... at the time, i was single and we had already "broken up".. she had wanted me to get on with my life, and find someone who can make me happy, were her words... and i told her, if i couldn't be with her, i'd find someone who as close to the level of chemistry she and I had.

So i was single when i met my current partner... and my current partner and i meshed quite well. It was very different type of chemistry than with my AP... it was intense, but it wasn't so crazy... if that makes sense. Sure, it wasn't to the point where we'd go without sleep and look like zombies b/c we spent every single second together... but we had fun and a natural chemistry that rival but was different. It's hard to describe, really..

My AP and I kept contact, but it was limited to conversations only and very limited at that. I don't think my AP liked it. I was very much into my partner and i guess it showed. We didn't cross lines at this point, that would come later when my current partner and I would run into problems and instead of being an adult and addressing those issues.. i ran away to my fantasy/AP. (to be continued... i've got a meeting to get to. )

February 21, 2020

16 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

so the one consistency that never changed was my honesty with her.. so when i told her i'd choose her, she knew it wasn't empty words... i always kept my promises to her. Never once did i fail her in that regard, so she knows that much about me hadn't changed... though, to be honest, looking back... ehh, it doesn't matter...

right now, she's in her own life with another guy... with a diff life path... away from me, and that is what's important. I will be a life learning lesson memory, if even that. And that's how it should be.

Ok, so yes she possibly did believe you were being honest when you chose her. However, since you have now given me more info I think maybe your original reason for her turning you down seems more feasible. Once you had moved on with your current partner and was always honest that you wouldn't leave her then I think she couldn't accept that. She hated the rejection (i can understand that totally, its so humiliating to be constantly let down by the one you love) and was desperate to win you back.

1 hour ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

Whether this was b/c of years of rejection, or deep inside, she didn't really want me, but was more obsessed with the rejection of her... who's to say.

This seems the most likely reason based on what you have told me.

My situation is so different from yours. I'm not sure of your age or if you have kids. I'm 52 and have teenage kids. My XAP has been married 32 years and known his BS for over 36 years. He met her when he was 18, they have 3 adult children. I think he truly does love me but as he has told me before so many times that he has invested so many years with his wife it is so hard to walk away from. He described it once as trying to extract an egg from an omelette !!! go figure. Maybe like you did one day he will come to the conclusion that his marriage is beyond repair and he will have the courage to leave (without me in the picture). Who knows what the future holds and if I would be single at that point or willing to entertain him but we are where we are.

I'm not sure if I have actually gained anything from my experience with XAP. Living with him for 12 months was one of the happiest times in my life but since then it has all been pain and misery.

February 21, 2020

19 minutes ago, S2B said:

he mainly wanted an OW. It doesn’t need to be you who sacrifices everything and he gets a double helping!

hes selfish!

I do believe him. As painful as it is to accept. What I was trying to say was that this is how he feels now but who knows what he will feel in the coming months/years. I have been there for him consistently for the last few years. Who knows how he will feel when he no longer has me and he realises I’ve finally given up.
He doesn’t have a double helping any more. Last time I had contact with him was in Dec. He is selfish. I’m trying my best to move on. Thanks for pointing that out again !

February 21, 2020

2 hours ago, Beca L said:

Ok, so yes she possibly did believe you were being honest when you chose her. However, since you have now given me more info I think maybe your original reason for her turning you down seems more feasible. Once you had moved on with your current partner and was always honest that you wouldn't leave her then I think she couldn't accept that. She hated the rejection (i can understand that totally, its so humiliating to be constantly let down by the one you love) and was desperate to win you back.

This seems the most likely reason based on what you have told me.

My situation is so different from yours. I'm not sure of your age or if you have kids. I'm 52 and have teenage kids. My XAP has been married 32 years and known his BS for over 36 years. He met her when he was 18, they have 3 adult children. I think he truly does love me but as he has told me before so many times that he has invested so many years with his wife it is so hard to walk away from. He described it once as trying to extract an egg from an omelette !!! go figure. Maybe like you did one day he will come to the conclusion that his marriage is beyond repair and he will have the courage to leave (without me in the picture). Who knows what the future holds and if I would be single at that point or willing to entertain him but we are where we are.

I'm not sure if I have actually gained anything from my experience with XAP. Living with him for 12 months was one of the happiest times in my life but since then it has all been pain and misery.

i'm not sure if this is any indication of love, or just when you meet someone you really like... but you get braver, you get bolder, you go do new things...at least, that's what i've read and personally have experienced...

honestly, there will ALWAYS be some justifiable reason why he can't leave... and though valid and not a lie, i think if you truly loved someone, you'd make it happen... to be with them...

i honestly think when my met my AP, over months before we even met, i did fall for her..and she for me.. but falling for someone... isn't love... i don't mean to imply that two people can't care about each other... but when push comes to shove... you think about the other person before yourself... and i don't mean in a doormat kind of way, either..

no matter how much one professes love, where actions don't match up with the words... that "true" love people talk about... just isn't there. But that's my personal belief... and even that... i'm doubtful about... After my A ended, I had to reassess everything.. especially myself and my role and my actions and my words... including the concept of love. What is love? i have some ideas, but i know less about it than before...

But having said that... when i look at my partner... her actions ... i can't tell you how...it broke my heart that i treated her this way so many years.. b/c her love was quite evident... not in taking me back... b/c we're still in transition... if at any time during this reconstruction of a new relationship she decides she can't do it.. i have to accept it... but in the way she expresses her love to me..

What i CAN say about love... is that we all come with different histories and baggage and personalities and preferences... but we're all on the same road seeking it... living it... nurturing it... losing it.. and discovering it again in a diff light, in a different depth..and learning, we can always learn to love better than yesterday.

February 21, 2020

13 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

honestly, there will ALWAYS be some justifiable reason why he can't leave... and though valid and not a lie, i think if you truly loved someone, you'd make it happen... to be with them...

I always felt the same as you in this respect and I would consistently say this to him. If you really loved me you would move heaven and earth to be with me. But now on reflection I do see that love sometimes isn’t enough for some people. I know if it was a choice between him and my own children I would have to choose my kids every time. There are a lot of people on here that say that MM using the kids as an excuse in not leaving WS is pathetic however I’m talking about older adult kids. I think younger kids are more accepting and adaptable, plus by law the father has a right to see them and have custody rights so relationships don’t get a chance deteriorate. When you are talking about adult kids the situation is completely different and it can be hard for adults to forgive and forget. The whole 12 months we were together he only met up with one son twice and the other two refused to speak to him. He couldn’t cope with that and wasn’t prepared to risk a future with me knowing he might lose his kids forever. Some will think that maybe he was wrong in doing what he did. I felt that they would have come round eventually but he couldn’t cope and he wanted his family back. I guess I can’t blame him for that but if his ‘family’ was so important to him why did he involve me in his marriage in the first place and leave his family to be with me. I think he had envisaged a completely different outcome when he first left. He thought his boys would be happy for him and that we’d all be part of an extended family. He was naive and totally underestimated how they would feel.

February 21, 2020

3 minutes ago, S2B said:

You do it by looking out for YOUR best interest - by blocking him out of every part of your life so you can begin to heal!

you mentally say to yourself “no more!”

Thanks. It makes sense and that’s what I’m doing or trying to do. There are good days and bad days. Today being one of the bad days.

February 21, 2020

42 minutes ago, Beca L said:

I always felt the same as you in this respect and I would consistently say this to him. If you really loved me you would move heaven and earth to be with me. But now on reflection I do see that love sometimes isn’t enough for some people. I know if it was a choice between him and my own children I would have to choose my kids every time. There are a lot of people on here that say that MM using the kids as an excuse in not leaving WS is pathetic however I’m talking about older adult kids. I think younger kids are more accepting and adaptable, plus by law the father has a right to see them and have custody rights so relationships don’t get a chance deteriorate. When you are talking about adult kids the situation is completely different and it can be hard for adults to forgive and forget. The whole 12 months we were together he only met up with one son twice and the other two refused to speak to him. He couldn’t cope with that and wasn’t prepared to risk a future with me knowing he might lose his kids forever. Some will think that maybe he was wrong in doing what he did. I felt that they would have come round eventually but he couldn’t cope and he wanted his family back. I guess I can’t blame him for that but if his ‘family’ was so important to him why did he involve me in his marriage in the first place and leave his family to be with me. I think he had envisaged a completely different outcome when he first left. He thought his boys would be happy for him and that we’d all be part of an extended family. He was naive and totally underestimated how they would feel.

yeah, but take a step back... are you asking him to give up his kids?... his kids made their own decisions and i believe they may have turned around...

i know this sounds harsh, but i think he took a semi good reason and ran with it. i'm not doubting his two other children not speaking with him prob caused him hurt... but just b/c your kids stop talking to you or holding their breaths... b/c they don't like what you're doing... doesn't mean you do what you know in your heart to be right... unless he wasn't sure about being with you in the first place.

I mean, is he going to do this every time his kids stop talking to him?

Edited February 21, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

February 21, 2020

35 minutes ago, Beca L said:

Thanks. It makes sense and that’s what I’m doing or trying to do. There are good days and bad days. Today being one of the bad days.

hang in there... many people here on both sides, support what you're doing, b/c it's the right thing...

those bad days... sigh.. it can be rough...

on a brighter note:

my 5yr old niece: "Why did the chicken cross the road?"

me: "To get to the other side?"

niece: "why would a chicken cross the road??? it's a chicken!"

me:"........"

Edited February 21, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

February 21, 2020

48 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

yeah, but take a step back... are you asking him to give up his kids?... his kids made their own decisions and i believe they may have turned around...

i know this sounds harsh, but i think he took a semi good reason and ran with it. i'm not doubting his two other children not speaking with him prob caused him hurt... but just b/c your kids stop talking to you or holding their breaths... b/c they don't like what you're doing... doesn't mean you do what you know in your heart to be right... unless he wasn't sure about being with you in the first place.

I mean, is he going to do this every time his kids stop talking to him?

Thanks for taking the time to reply. Tbh I don’t think there was one particular reason why he felt he had to go back. I don’t think he really knows either. Like you mentioned before it was a gut reaction and he went with it. There were a number of reasons. He finally realised all the pain he has caused his family and he felt terribly guilty. He also felt that he was causing my family stress as my kids didn’t like him coming over all the time. He didn’t like my ex husband, I think he felt he was controlling and very involved in my life, that didn’t sit well with him. He also realised he was going to have to spend more time living on his own to give my kids space and I think that scared him. He wasn’t used to being on his own he missed living with someone. He’d never lived on his own, his wife was family, he missed that. So out of all the reasons that he went back I don’t think I was one of them. I was the one thing that remained constant, he knew how he felt about me but that wasn’t enough.
I’m not saying that I agree with any of this, I’m just explaining what he has told me.
I think he was pathetic and self absorbed. He should have been stronger but he wasn’t. He failed me and I feel terribly let down.

February 21, 2020

Just now, S2B said:

Why did he do it?

because he can

because you allowed it

because he’s selfish

because he’s a perfect liar

thats why!

I agree. Gotta accept the reality. He was very selfish and a liar.

February 21, 2020

2 hours ago, Beca L said:

I always felt the same as you in this respect and I would consistently say this to him. If you really loved me you would move heaven and earth to be with me. But now on reflection I do see that love sometimes isn’t enough for some people. I know if it was a choice between him and my own children I would have to choose my kids every time. There are a lot of people on here that say that MM using the kids as an excuse in not leaving WS is pathetic however I’m talking about older adult kids. I think younger kids are more accepting and adaptable, plus by law the father has a right to see them and have custody rights so relationships don’t get a chance deteriorate. When you are talking about adult kids the situation is completely different and it can be hard for adults to forgive and forget. The whole 12 months we were together he only met up with one son twice and the other two refused to speak to him. He couldn’t cope with that and wasn’t prepared to risk a future with me knowing he might lose his kids forever. Some will think that maybe he was wrong in doing what he did. I felt that they would have come round eventually but he couldn’t cope and he wanted his family back. I guess I can’t blame him for that but if his ‘family’ was so important to him why did he involve me in his marriage in the first place and leave his family to be with me. I think he had envisaged a completely different outcome when he first left. He thought his boys would be happy for him and that we’d all be part of an extended family. He was naive and totally underestimated how they would feel.

Bingo! I wasn't going to join this conversation since there is a lot of triggers for me, but I want to say that I hear you, Beca. I think most MMs often had this idea is their heads that they're just leaving the marriage. When reality hits, they are often very ill-prepared to handle the hurt caused to his spouse and kids. As you have experienced in your xMM case, the adult kids will choose sides. They are well within their rights to do so, much in the same way that they may feel like the strayed parents have abandoned them. They might not choose to talk to the strayed parent until such time when they feel like they can forgive them (if ever), or in your case, until such time when he decides to leave you.

Did yours actually go through the divorce process or did he go back before divorce was even finalized?

Most parents love their kids unconditionally, and people tend to underestimate how much of a pull that is. If the MM is with a AP who has kids, it's also a constant reminder of the relationships he had lost with his own children. A lot of MM will use their kids as an excuse for not leaving, but there is also truth to it. There are few loves greater than that between a parent and a child. The truth is, if it comes down to being a choice between me and his kids, I'd rather my xMM choose to work on his relationships with his kids.

Contrary to what some people think, the reason that most affair relationships failed isn't that there isn't love in that relationship. It's not that it can't survive in the light of day because they are living in some fantasy. In your case, you guys even lived together for a year and it's a happy relationship by your own account. As you know, there is a huge amount of internal pressures (don't underestimate guilt and shame) and external pressures (family and societal) that spills over...the kind of trauma that doesn't come in a fresh, new relationship. What made it all worse in that it appears that your MM hadn't done any 'work', in the sense that he simply jumped from one relationship to the next. Just a piece of advice: I don't think it's necessary to vilify your xMM to get over him. I find that learning to accept things as they are, which takes time, will also help you to move forward. Best of luck.

Edited February 21, 2020 by spiritedaway2003

February 21, 2020

1 hour ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

They might not choose to talk to the strayed parent until such time when they feel like they can forgive them (if ever), or in your case, until such time when he decides to leave you.

Did yours actually go through the divorce process or did he go back before divorce was even finalized?

Thank you so much for your message. Finally someone who gets it. I think his sons would have come round eventually. The eldest son who had said some really horrible things to him over the 12 months he was with me did call him a few weeks before he went back so there were signs of a reconciliation but generally my xMM was too scared to risk it all and was worried the damage was becoming permanent.
The divorce wasn’t finalised but had gone to the first stage, the degree Nisi hadn’t been issued because his wife failed to complete her part of the form correctly. I know this was true because I was with him when he called to find out why it hadn’t been issued. So yes he went back before it was finalised. He didn’t have to beg, she made it clear all the time we were together that she would take him back.

February 22, 2020

1 hour ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

Contrary to what some people think, the reason that most affair relationships failed isn't that there isn't love in that relationship. It's not that it can't survive in the light of day because they are living in some fantasy. In your case, you guys even lived together for a year and it's a happy relationship by your own account. As you know, there is a huge amount of internal pressures (don't underestimate guilt and shame) and external pressures (family and societal) that spills over...the kind of trauma that doesn't come in a fresh, new relationship. What made it all worse in that it appears that your MM hadn't done any 'work', in the sense that he simply jumped from one relationship to the next. Just a piece of advice: I don't think it's necessary to vilify your xMM to get over him. I find that learning to accept things as they are, which takes time, will also help you to move forward. Best of luck.

Everything you said is how I interpret what happened. He did just literally walk out of the family home in to my house. Yes he had a rented house but he was at my house most of the time. Then when he left me he literally walked back in to her rented house (the family house was sold that same week, it was too late to stop the sale). You are correct, he never did any work to deal with the end of his marriage when he left or deal with leaving me. He is very immature and inexperienced in love and relationships. His wife was his only relationship before me.
Thanks for the advice. I am trying to accept things as they are even though it does break my heart. I appreciate your understanding. Thanks.

February 22, 2020

1 hour ago, spiritedaway2003 said:

much in the same way that they may feel like the strayed parents have abandoned them.

His sons have said this to him since his return that they felt he had abandoned them and was happy with his NEW family with me and my kids.

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