Heidii Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 (edited) My boyfriend has broken up with me three times in a row in a really hurtful way because he thinks I don't make him enough of a priority. Each time he called me names and told me we were done for good. Each time I was crushed and took his word for it. Each time he reached out to me after some days. When I haven't responded immediately he's flooded me with messages saying we needed to talk asap. If I couldn't speak when he suggested, he would ask what I was doing that prevented me from talking to him, where I was, how I was doing etc. He's assured me each time that he asks because he cares about me and not because he wants to control me. To my surprise he's even questioned why I haven't reached out or showed up at his door after he ended things. This despite him originally saying that there was nothing I could say or do to change his mind. Third time he ended things with me, he broke my trust in a really bad way. Basically he shared something very sensitive about me with my parents in an email. I told him this thing in confidence and was devastated that he'd told them when he knew I didn't want them to know. It's made the difficult relationship I had with them even worse. He then reached out to me again on Valentine's Day wanting to talk. It was clear that he wanted us back together. He seemed surprised about how upset I was about him sharing my secret and insisted that it was done out of good intentions. Apparently to make my parents drop their facade and improve my relationship with them. I finally lost it and told him exactly what I thought of his actions. To my surprise, he was very understanding and even apologetic. He asked if I would reconsider the relationship. Him being so on board with what I said made me think that it might be hope for us, but I was still very hurt about his breach of trust. I was really emotional and confused by it all and told him I needed some time to process things. He was ok with that, but wanted a time frame. I told him that I just wanted some space for a few days and he accepted this and said I should take my time. But then, after just one day, he messaged me to again justify why he sent the email and to tell me that he really loves me. I didn't reply. The next day he sent me some photos. I replied that I wasn't really in the right headspace to appreciate photos at the moment. I felt like he didn't give me the space I'd asked for. Later that same day he urgently wanted to talk, and said that I should have figured things out by now. It had only been two days since last we spoke. We talked for a couple of hours and he was very sweet. He apologized again and said he didn't want to loose me. He suggested that we could live together at his place for a while and figure out the issues together. That he would make things up to me. I was not ready for this and told him. I'm also generally frustrated that he hurts me and then expects me to make decisions on the spot. He himself even said that I shouldn't make decisions about the relationship when being so worked up. At the same time, he more or less implied it was moving in with him and giving it a try, or go our separate ways. That his greatest wish is to marry me and have a family with me. I said I was still struggling to trust him and that I wasn't ready for moving in at this point. In the end I felt like he didn't give me any choice but to end it. Next day I got a message from him with a love poem that he wrote to me this Christmas. Of course it made me sentimental. Today I got a new message where he said this was his final goodbye, that he wished me the best and that he would now put away all photos of us and clear away all things from our relationship from his apartment. I doubt he'll actually do it as he still has things from other exes on display at home. I feel like he's messing with my head. I don't even know why I feel so sad about it all. A part of me thinks ending things was the right thing, but another part of me keeps second guessing it. Especially as he was so sweet in our last phone talk and said that he wanted to change for me. But is it even likely that he could change? Should I have given him another chance? I feel like I can't think straight at this point. Edited February 21, 2020 by Heidii
snowboy91 Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 A common theme throughout your post appears to be a lack of respect and empathy on his part. If he really cared about you, he would not have shared confidential details with your parents, and he would have respected your need for space. Moving in with a partner needs to be done with careful consideration and from a place of confidence, not to solve a rocky patch. Him asking you to either move in or end the relationship is essentially coercion - I can't see this ending well if you do end up back together. 2
basil67 Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 Heidii, you've just dodged a bullet. As I was reading what you wrote, I was starting to think he's the kind of guy who ends up needing a restraining order. I hope for your sake that he truly has walked away without causing more problems. Your sadness is probably related to mourning what you hoped it could have been....but it was never going to be all that. 3
preraph Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 He's playing games trying to get his way and is very manipulative. Is that what you want to deal with from now on? He does want to get you under control. I just think you should get a better boyfriend. He sounds extremely annoying. I'm continuing to contact you after you ask for a few days space is just a clear sign that he doesn't respect you. he's going to do what he wants to do whether you like it or not and that is not going to change. 2
Gaeta Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 He's manipulative, controling and toxic. Nothing good will ever come out of this relationship, no he will not change, people don't change who they are. Every man you'll meet out there will be better than him with no efforts. Block, delete and never take him back. 1 3
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 Read a third way into your post and didn’t need to finish to know that this relationship has not future of happiness. He is not a good person. 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 No, this will never work. He is manipulative to a disturbing degree, and wipes his feet on you. It's time to stop letting him yank you around and cut him loose forever. He's not going to provide you with a healthy, stable and long-lasting relationship. 3
Redhead14 Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 (edited) 16 hours ago, Heidii said: My boyfriend has broken up with me three times in a row Sweetie, I'm going to go against the flow here a little bit . . . he isn't the problem, you are. The first time he did that to you, should have been the last time. I can see my way to maybe twice, but by the third time, it's on you squarely. You are complicit in your own misery if you don't enforce YOUR boundaries. Run right now and don't look back. The definition of insanity is doing/allowing the same thing over and over again. You can't control him, but you can control how you handle this now. Block, delete on everything and be prepared to implement a restraining order if he doesn't get the message. Edited February 21, 2020 by Redhead14
Daisydooks Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 (edited) Block this idiot. I couldnt and didnt even read all that. It wasn't worth reading. I was done after the first bit of it once you got to why he ended it the 3rd time. He is playing games, IS controlling, is abusive, tells things to people he shouldnt, and he feels he can manipulate you into the woman he wants by ending it all the time. If You will NEVER be enough, do enough or behave the way he wants, so he ends it to manipulate you into behaving like a good girl. He was surprised you didnt show up at his door begging for him back? Ugh. Why would you? This is the epitome of controlling behaviour. You should crawl back to him when he ends it, because you weren't behaving. Then you didnt behave again when you didnt show up begging for him to take you back. Barf. He cant be trusted. Please walk away and dont ever return. Thank him for ending it, and move on/block him. Do not move in with him. Jesus no. Unless of course you want to get kicked out and called every name in the book when you misbehave every month or two. He IS controlling. Look how controlled you are. Please open your eyes. Of course you shouldnt be with this man and for the love of god, no, this isnt worth saving. You're here so thats a good thing as you know this is bad, but its shocking you're asking if this is worth saving... there is no amount of love that would make this worth saving Edited February 21, 2020 by Daisydooks
Daisydooks Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 The ONLY reason to give him another chance would be if you like being dumped and hurt. He WILL do this again, and again, and again. His abusive controlling behaviour WILL get worse with every break up. Stop the madness now and walk away for good. Maybe you dont know this, but Girl, YOU DESERVE MORE than this pitiful man
Redhead14 Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 The message you're sending to him by continuing to tolerate all this is that you are giving him permission to treat you like a door mat. Pick up the mat and close the door!
MarieDuval Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 Please don't be tempted to go back again ever, or you'll be in for a lifetime of hurt. Like others have said, he is not a good man and he doesn't respect you. Be happy if he stays out of your life for good.
CloudyHead Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 @Heidii - He is immature. Traits of immaturity are selfishness and lack of accountability (among other things). You can hope and wish for him to change/grow all you want but it will not happen. He's given you a ticket to an emotional rollercoaster ride that will never end. You feel sad because you are focused on having a relationship, thinking he's "the one", fear of being alone, etc. I would stop contact with him and move forward in your life without him. 1
smackie9 Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 This is how my abusive ex was....manipulating, guilt tripping, gas-lighting, obsessive. You ex BF tried to pull every trick in the abuser's handbook...and now he does the "Ohhhhh! goodbye forever!! You won't hear from me again" facade. He is a very very insecure. The only way he felt good about himself is when he was controlling/abusing you mentally....and look at you, he's still do it to you. Let it go hun, you did the right thing....he's taken up too much headspace..get him out of there. See all the signs of an abuser? now learn from it and never date another guy like this again.
Author Heidii Posted February 22, 2020 Author Posted February 22, 2020 Thank you everyone for your input and thoughts on this. It's so clear when I read your replies that this relationship wasn't a healthy one. I think I was just hoping that the too good to be true man that he was in the beginning was still in there somewhere. And obviously, there's been enough glimpses of him to keep me hooked until this point. It's almost like he's been two different persons. There's been red flags from the beginning, that I chose to ignore. Like when he said that he didn't deserve me. Or that I would be so easy to take advantage of and manipulate, but that he would never do that. And him being in a rush to get me pregnant from the very start. I think he really messed with my head and clouded my judgement, so I'm very grateful for the feedback in here to shake me out of his toxic spell.
Calmandfocused Posted February 23, 2020 Posted February 23, 2020 Heidi congratulations for not being controlled or manipulated by this drivel. The underlying motivation here is to get you into position. A position that benefits him entirely and will guarantee to cause you misery. Classic emotional/ mental abuse tactics. Stay away from men like this one. The game playing never stops. You cannot win no matter what you do.
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