Goingcrazy5 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) Hi there. I’m posting here because I don’t know where else to turn. My husband and I have been together for nearly 14 years, married for 11. For most of this time I’ve thanked my lucky stars that he is mine. I felt like he was a good honest man and would never do anything to hurt me but here I am driving myself crazy over something I have no proof of. He has always been a defensive person, any time I’ve ever asked him if he’s done something, and I’m talking about minor things, he is quick to deny even if I know he’s done it and will argue until I back down and apologise. I’ve had a suspicion that he may have been unfaithful for a few years now. We had gone to another married couple’s house for a takeaway and drinks. We were all good friends at the time, the wife and I met for coffee regularly and talked often. We’d had a lot to drink that night and at one point, my husband and the wife disappeared for a while. I don’t know how long for, I was busy chatting to the husband in the living room and to be honest at the time I didn’t even notice. Soon after this evening, my friendship with the wife seemed to go sour. We didn’t really talk or hang out so much, and when we all went out with our other friends she started to make sly digs about me to everyone. We stopped getting invited out to events she arranged and gave me ridiculous reasons as to why. It was all very strange. During this time my husband was normal, didn’t notice anything different about him. I trusted him, I didn't check his phone or anything, never felt the need. However, before long he was as keen to cut off contact with these people as they, or rather she, was with us. So eventually we stopped seeing them. It wasn’t until I was pregnant that I had a lightbulb moment, I was thinking about that evening and how fun it was and then I remembered they’d disappeared for a while and everything that happened after and it all seemed to just click. I confronted him about it and he did the whole deny deny deny until he was blue in the face thing as always and I thought with no proof I can’t keep on so I just put it down to hormones and left it. Fast forward 2 years and I’ve started a new job where I’ve made some lovely friends, one of them being male and we message on Facebook. I’ve been open about this and my husband knows my password. One day I found he had been logging into my messenger and reading my messages. Actually caught him, with proof. The fact that he was reading my messages didn’t bother me, I’ve got nothing to hide, but when I confronted him he did his deny act as he always done but this time I knew he was lying and that is what upset me, the dishonesty and trying to make me feel stupid and turning it around on me. But it was all very similar to previous times I’d confronted him about things, the same act, the same smirk on his face. But this time I caught him in the act and when he denied it all my suspicions came back and the trust went. And of course I brought up my suspicions again and he denied it...but instead of being angry or hurt that I’d accused him he just starts being overly nice and too sickly sweet which just makes me suspect even more. I probably sound like a crazy bitch, nobody in my life believes he could be capable because they all think he is so perfect. But I have this gut feeling and it is torture..I can never know for sure. I feel like I can’t move forward. Does anyone have any advice? Sorry the post is so long. Edited February 20, 2020 by Goingcrazy5
40somethingGuy Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 You will never know for sure. What would make me more suspicious than anything is why did the other wife all a sudden turn on you? Maybe she came onto him and was turned down. She may resent you for having what she really wants. Wishes it was him and her instead of him and you. And your H sounds like he may be feeling he didn't do anything but why bring out drama if he didn't consent to anything. And he will likely check on you behind your back if you sniff around suspicious about his possible cheating. Very often, the cheater accuses the other of exactly what they are doing to provide cover. If my wife accused me of that (with no possible proof because there is none), I would start to suspect something. 1
healing light Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) I think the bigger issue here is that you cannot communicate with your husband. Sounds like he pulls DARVO on you (Deny Attack Reverse Victim and Offender). Based on your post, it sounds like something fishy went on that night. And, again, I wouldn't be sure if it's that she came onto him like the previous poster said and was turned down, or that he tangoed with her. Do you often find yourself walking on eggshells around your husband? Do you feel alone in the partnership? What is the quality of your relationship like in general? Edited to add: I completely agree with 40somethingGuy. All the cheaters I knew projected their untrustworthy behavior onto their partners, so snooping without consent is par for the course. But to gaslight you when you caught him red-handed? Ick. Edited February 20, 2020 by healing light 2
preraph Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 He gaslights you. So read up about it and ways to fight it. Odd that she turned against you. Who knows, maybe they were just talking about something and he told her you didn't like getting together with them or something. I mean, if she came onto him and got rejected, no reason for her to be mad at you although you'd think she'd avoid any more get togethers, but not if she has a continuing thing for him. Do you ever go places together with them since then?
oldtruck Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 enough of a red flag from your husband to require a polygraph test
schlumpy Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 14 hours ago, Goingcrazy5 said: We’d had a lot to drink that night and at one point, my husband and the wife disappeared for a while. I don’t know how long for, I was busy chatting to the husband in the living room and to be honest at the time I didn’t even notice. How did the other woman's husband take her absence? Wasn't he a surprised they were gone so long? Have you tried to talk with him about it? He seems to be a likely source of sympathetic information. You are in a tough position with most of the pressure being generated by yourself. You will have to put aside your feelings because they will only confuse you. The way to do this is to hatch a plan to catch him and that might mean allowing opportunities to develop where he can show his true colors. You should think out of the box. A polygraph is an option but it may destroy your relationship. Whatever you decide to do will change your marriage. You can live with your suspicions and keep the radar up and running or actively seek to entrap him. Either one will take it's toll.
Starswillshine Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 I'm not saying he cheated or did not cheated; however, this gaslighting issue is a problem. A BIG problem. He is manipulating you for some reason. Most people when caught red handed will at the very least admit it. They may try to justify it some way but will admit it. My exH was a lot like this. And while he was in an affair, he acted like nothing was wrong. He was just as loving as normal. Very affectionate, etc. It seems the other wife has a harder time hiding her feelings/motivations/etc. Seems you would get more info from her. But I would not go that route. Sometimea, gut feelings are completely right. So many of mine were. 1
NomiMalone Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) I dunno.... I find it unlikely that your husband and the other wife would’ve been careless/bold enough to cheat that evening with BOTH spouses present. Not saying your gut feeling isn’t right, of course. Only you would know the dynamics of your friendship with that couple. I agree with everyone else that your husband’s gaslighting and lying is a problem - he’s not to be trusted to tell the truth. Edited February 22, 2020 by NomiMalone
Fletch Lives Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 He has always been a defensive person, any time I’ve ever asked him if he’s done something, and I’m talking about minor things, he is quick to deny even if I know he’s done it and will argue until I back down and apologise. - one of two reasons people cheat is because of lack of integrity - which is one of his problems as evidenced by his lying. That said, thinking he cheated on you while you were there with her husband is a bit of a stretch.
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