Online dating: went on 6 dates in one week, this is what I learned.

[Gaeta]

Smackie9 maybe you come from a small place and the fishing pool is limited. In a big city like me there are 100s of good prospects online, lots of men and women that take care of themselves. I went on 200+ first dates. Some were not serious, some were recently separated and I wouldn't deal with that, many it was just a matter of not feeling a click, but rarely RARELY I came across a man that didn't look like his pictures. Men in my city are hot, online and off line

 

[Wanderlust2018]

19 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

I went on 6 dates from online dating in one week. What I learned is:

 

1) Men almost always lie about their height. 

2) On the date it becomes obvious why they are resorting to online apps (perceptual distortions, serious flaws, ridiculous expectations, etc.)

3) Lack of authenticity. Men behave how they *think* you want them to. (Annoying)

4) There is more success meeting people in real life.

 

After years of holding the same opinion about online dating, I decided to be open-minded and give it a 3rd try. All of my original suspicions were, once again, validated. This is making my life more difficult. I'm a busy woman. I work full-time, study full-time and the remainder is dedicated to physical exercise, making food for the week, standard chores and resting. This is why I considered online dating because meeting people this way doesn't require extra energy (we're all on our phones most of the time anyway). 

....so now what?

I’m surprised that you could find the time, or even have the energy, to fit in 6 dates in one week, with how you describe your life and schedule.

1. Women often manipulate their images and/or appearance, and aren’t how they  describe themselves in their profile, i.e., athletic, when they’re far from that.
 

2. This wouldn’t be any different meeting someone organically, and getting to know them over time or over a date.
 

3. Same as above, if/when meeting someone the traditional way. 
 

4. Not true. I’ve met women both ways, through OLD and organically. There’s no difference. 

You actually sound a bit jaded and rigid. I can tell you that that vibe and energy is very palpable, to some of us men, and is a major turn off. If you meet up with a guy and don’t click or vibe, so be it, it’s just part of the process and life goes on. Why dwell on it and let that negative kind of energy or pessimism consume you? Next. 

[Lotsgoingon]

Six dates is not any kind of valid sample.  Keep going ... Keep the meeting short ... you need to get to 30 meetings, 50 meetings. You cannot generalize off of meeting six people for anything.

I could run into six jerks in my life within a few days. Is that a large enough sample to label people jerks? Keep going. You just started--barely started. 

 

[Ami1uwant]

5 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

This brings up a thought.......

When I was younger, and I played some of my video games.  I loved some of them deeply, and I was happy with that 5 or 6 games I had bought... and could spend hour after hour with all of them.  (this is akin to dating in real life)  But now... I have emulators, and can download 1000's of games for the old systems I use to play.  But with that HUGE selection at my fingertips... I find myself getting bored with a game I would have normally enjoyed.  (this is like OLD)

I'm starting to wonder if having that big selection of people that we generally only look at pictures to make a selection has desensitized us to the deeper connections??  I can tell you for a fact... I have gone out with girls and enjoyed their company when I was younger... but if I was simply shown a picture... I would have said "No thanks."

 

??????????

 

 

What you are are talking about and I’ve m menioned on here before has to do with maximizer vs satisfyer and paradox of choice

 

maximuzer vs satisfier in shopping is maximizer needs to look at all stores to find the best deal. The satisfyer just finds one that works.  There is a fear of settling

 

like your games vs OLD is you have too many choice and choose next to often.

 

when trying a new brand ....research has found if you limit choices to 3-5 people can choose and buy and buy again. If you give them 20 they cant decide so they don’t choose at all.

 

its also been shown that say a man and women met in real life and dated one and everything was fine they would date again and a relationship developed.

 

you take the same two meet online and everything is the same ...there is less chance of a second date  because they have alternates from online sitting there as options. Maybe the grass is greener over there

Edited February 21, 2020 by Ami1uwant

[Hopeful30]

20 hours ago, nospam99 said:

3) Lack of authenticity. Men behave how they *think* you want them to. (Annoying)


3) isn't that a sign of respect for one's date?
 

It's a sign of disrespect to himself.

 

20 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I’d  also like to say with 6 dates in one week you’re going about it all the wrong way. You can’t possibly be selecting for quality. I would feel lucky to find six guys who truly interested me enough for a LTR  in 6 years, so if that’s what you’re looking for, you probably have to filter more.
 

Why is this the wrong way? It's a numbers game. With thousands of available men, isn't it easier to meet them in person than waste time chatting online when you may not be compatible in person?

19 hours ago, alphamale said:

in the future stop cooking and get takeaway/carry out.  then, put that free time towards  meeting people IRL.

for most people OLD is a total waste of time and money

When you're on a budget and don't have the luxury of additional financial expenses, take-out food would be more of a priority (i don't like cooking lol)

 

19 hours ago, Erik30 said:

Yeah I think this is mostly your problem here, you have to be more selective and patient. I assume you've barely exchanged messages with these guys if you had that many dates within just one week. Also I think that's probably too much for it to be "fun." 

I like to get to know someone at least a little bit before we go on a date, so I know it won't be a complete waste of time. 

I have been selective for the last 5 years. Haven't had sex in the last 5 years. I'm trying to be more open-minded. Besides, why waste time exchanging messages when true compatbility can be revealed in one date? Saves time and energy. Makes more sense if you ask me...

 

14 hours ago, Gaeta said:

People online and people in real life are the same. 

That cute guy in the elevator you see each  morning is on a dating app, the UPS guy is on a dating app, your night-course teacher is on a dating app. I am an independant career woman and I was online, as my brother, as my daughter, as my friends, we're all normal people who have met online. 

It's not gonna work until it does, and concentrating on the negative will not help you find someone. 

Meeting 6 men in  a week tells me you met men without doing your homework and asking the right questions. You went through the motion, on auto-pilot, one of those 6 guys was probably an interesting prospect but you were on a roll and didn't take time to digest the meeting, you were already gone on a different date. 

When dating never ever works, at some point  you have to humble yourself and see what is your role in your failure. 

That's a lot of assumptions. Why waste time texting when you can get 100x more information in one meeting? It saves time. Besides, when you meet someone in person, it's much easier to understand your compatibility than online chat. It's more authentic in person. Why not?

 

3 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

 

You seem to place a high emphasis on height. We’re they still taller than you? 

I was taller than all of them, even though most said 6 feet on their profiles. I changed my height from 5"10 (my real height, doctor measured) to 6-feet.

 

56 minutes ago, Lotsgoingon said:

Six dates is not any kind of valid sample.  Keep going ... Keep the meeting short ... you need to get to 30 meetings, 50 meetings. You cannot generalize off of meeting six people for anything.

I could run into six jerks in my life within a few days. Is that a large enough sample to label people jerks? Keep going. You just started--barely started. 

 

You're absolutely right. I'm a scientist, I should know this! Too small a sample for any major conclusions. Thank you for this 

Edited February 21, 2020 by Hopeful30

[SumGuy]

12 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

...

You're absolutely right. I'm a scientist, I should know this! Too small a sample for any major conclusions. Thank you for this 

The distribution is definitively asymmetric.    If you;re feeling jaded may also want to watch out for confirmation bias; especially on factor 3.  It's hard to disentangle just looking for common interest and conversational flow from the inauthentic, let alone if they are being genuine and you don't want to believe it.  

[Gaeta]

1 hour ago, Hopeful30 said:

That's a lot of assumptions. Why waste time texting when you can get 100x more information in one meeting? It saves time. Besides, when you meet someone in person, it's much easier to understand your compatibility than online chat. It's more authentic in person. Why not?

I am not against meeting in real. Reality is though that 75% of singles are searching online.

Wasting time texting? I am not 20 years old, I don't text 100X, I make contact, I ask important questions, I have a phone conversation and I have a meeting. 

I was approached a few times in real life, nothing told me we were compatible. It's not written in people's face that they like horror movies and chocolate ice cream. Compatibility is tested through TIME spend dating, not online, not while bumping into someone. 

Authentic what? Authenticity is proven with time as well. So back to when I was approached in person in public places. One was interested in sex only, second one was interested in sex only, and the 3rd one hated his job, hated his apartment, and only ate frozen pizza. 

I met my boyfriend online and we're both normal drama-free people, my brother met his wife online expecting their 2nd child in June, my daughter met her bf online they just moved in their new house. We are all normal, grounded, educated, hard working people all drama free. When people come on here and generalize and say things like there are only weirdos and low quality people online it really gets under my skin. 

Edited February 21, 2020 by Gaeta

[ccas93]

16 hours ago, Gaeta said:

People online and people in real life are the same. 

That cute guy in the elevator you see each  morning is on a dating app, the UPS guy is on a dating app, your night-course teacher is on a dating app. I am an independant career woman and I was online, as my brother, as my daughter, as my friends, we're all normal people who have met online. 

It's not gonna work until it does, and concentrating on the negative will not help you find someone. 

Meeting 6 men in  a week tells me you met men without doing your homework and asking the right questions. You went through the motion, on auto-pilot, one of those 6 guys was probably an interesting prospect but you were on a roll and didn't take time to digest the meeting, you were already gone on a different date. 

When dating never ever works, at some point  you have to humble yourself and see what is your role in your failure. 

Thank you!! I have this one friend who talks like the people are created by the dating app. Like they aren't real people in "real life." I've explained to him this samr thing - and what's funny is I saw the girl he was dating and met "in real life" on a dating app. 

[smackie9]

4 hours ago, Gaeta said:

Smackie9 maybe you come from a small place and the fishing pool is limited. In a big city like me there are 100s of good prospects online, lots of men and women that take care of themselves. I went on 200+ first dates. Some were not serious, some were recently separated and I wouldn't deal with that, many it was just a matter of not feeling a click, but rarely RARELY I came across a man that didn't look like his pictures. Men in my city are hot, online and off line

 

I live in the lower mainland of BC. Plenty of people living here (Too many IMO). There are way more attractive women here, than men.

[Miss Spider]

I’d say more than your sample being too small,  it has a selection bias/improper procedure in picking it.
 

It is a numbers game, but online dating is a tool that many people use to bypass that a little bit. When you approach someone on the street, you mainly have the physical to go on. When you’re online dating, you have the option to see a snippet of the individual’s personality. You can sift through profiles and patiently wait until you find someone who seems like a good match. You then message back and forth to see if you’re vibing enough there to warrant a date. I’m just saying that it seems improbable that you put all 6 of these guys through that filter. 
 

I understand how it may discourage you from OLD if you talked to 6 guys who seemed great,  but when you met they lied about their height substantial/weren’t genuine,etc.. That is a very odd coincidence, and if you are meeting enough men IRL who fit your criteria, I get why you wouldn’t bother with it anymore. But online dating is a just a tool people use to meet people who fit their criteria. There  are ways to use it to increase your success and make it less about quantity and more about quality...

Edited February 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Gr8fuln2020]

15 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

I understand how it may discourage you from OLD if you talked to 6 guys who seemed great,  but when you met they lied about their height substantially. That is a very odd coincidence. And if you are meeting enough men irl who fit your criteria IRL, why bother? But online dating is a just a tool people use to meet people who fit their criteria. There  are ways to use it to increase your success and make it less about quantity and more about quality...

Agreed. I also thought it odd that ALL of them lied (1) and then so dramatically(2). What are the odds that ALL 6 would do that? Part of me thinks the OP may be exaggerating and that they simply did not meet her height requirements and this could have been based on the addition of heels, so...maybe they weren't all lying about their height???? Eh, don't know.

Anyway, I only online date. No time and risky to just go up to a stranger and ask if they are married or taken. I also don't frequent places where single women just hang out. So, OLD it is and it has served me well over the years. BUT, like any other mode of dating, find "the one" has been the problem. 

 

Edited February 21, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[rightondude]

Online dating is just a medium for meeting people. Think of it as a room with 1000 people all with little thought balloons over their head. Yeah, some liars and losers will lie about things hoping you won't notice or care once you meet and get to know their incredibly awesome self and meet the "real thing", but for the most part, most women I found to be pretty consistent with what they stated in their profile and then followed up on in the discussions that occurred after we matched. 

If height is such a big deal, I would recommend confirming these guys are in fact over 6ft through messaging after matching. Let them know you'll walk out immediately if you find out they are BS'ing. Most would cop to it then rather than be embarrassed. 

Now, I was not a big fan of extensive messaging after a match, but I always did enough to make sure, personality wise, that I really wanted to meet who I matched with. Then I felt like I at least had somewhat of a read on whether our styles would clash there.  

Meeting in real life precludes needing to do any verification as it concerns the physical; you've already seen it to be true. But to me, that's the only difference between meeting in real life on the street or store and in online dating. You do have to trust somewhat that the pictures they choose to share are legit. Women I were really interested in always seemed to like to share more pics after a match. That really made me feel good about meeting.

FWIW, I have been with my girlfriend I met off OLD for close to a year now. I couldn't be more in love. This was after going on about 40-50 dates with women I met online and being in a 7 month relationship with one previous I met online. I was really busy too, traveled A LOT, and it just made things so much easier than just hoping to bump into someone.

And thank goodness I'm 6'3. It's apparently tough out there for a short brother. 

 

Edited February 22, 2020 by rightondude

[Miss Spider]

Yeah I’m starting to realize that for me one of the biggest issues lies in the  fundamental point of OLD... to meet people for sex or relationships of kind. I always felt a kind of desperation to that. I’m more drawn to men that don’t care about it that much... other priorities. Like to be seeking a partner to that extent just seems kind of sad. The ideal would be to meet a guy In a friends group outting. We bond over an interest and * click * Or maybe meeting similarly through a hobby,,, etc. Anything but a dating profile ...

 

and please make no mistake, I see what can be construed as hypocrisy in all this. 

Edited February 22, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[rightondude]

what time sink or commitment does it take for someone to setup a profile and respond as needed? I can't say using OLD stopped me from living life or become  an all consuming passion. It was just another chance to meet others and see what happened from there. Maybe it was the apps I used (non-paid, I could see how paid would be seen as prioritizing), but for me, it was check once in awhile for someone new to swipe right on and respond to matches as they happened. It's 2020 and most single people who care about meeting someone give it a shot.

EDIT: I just realized, from a woman's perspective who gets 1000 matches to every man's 1, this would be a much different scenario....

 

 

 

Edited February 22, 2020 by rightondude

[Miss Spider]

It’s not so much the time or commitment... more the reasoning behind even setting it up at all...a bit of a turn off for me, but I get what you’re saying and I’m just one woman 

Edited February 22, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[Baman]

Well, seems I'm dead in the water at 5' 7''. 

lucky I have my 5' 11'' wife....

[dramallama]

I've been using apps here and there for the last couple of years post-divorce to meet people and I think it's all about how you select and screen before meeting. I find it much better for finding a match than relying on people I bump into socially or my friends trying to introduce me to the least dysfunctional single man in our extended circle

I've never found an issue with men lying about their height (though I'm 5'5" so safely small enough for most) but hairlines and waistlines are the big thing I've spotted people trying to hide. I think over the 2 years I've talked to loads of guys, but met up with 7 men, one we had an exclusive FWB for a year, and another I've now beeing seeing for 6 months and we're currently in a real honeymoon phase.

Perhaps some of this is down to luck, but I'm surprised our experience is *so* vastly different.

[thefooloftheyear]

IME...Most successful/desirable men aren't on OLD....Its a game mostly for women...No disrespect to anyone using it, I've just not seen it, but for these guys, there are always options...You wouldn't go out and hunt for food if you are being fed it to you regularly on a silver platter...For most of the guys I know that I would consider desirable some just used it as a goof, with no serious intention,  while the others were using It as a way to troll for women who are easily putting out...

And I have said this on another thread and it bears mention....Its a bit of an embarrassment if a guy is seen by people he knows using a dating app...It's just not really considered a "manly" thing to do among the circle I run in...A woman I know mentioned to me that she matched up with a guy I she knew I know and thought it was funny....When I told him about it(I wasn't teasing him or anything), he immediately pulled himself off the site...He seemed completely mortified that I knew this...Its kinda like other forms of social media, like FB..Ask guys and they may sheepishly admit to a FB account, but they generally don't tell other guys about it, like women do..And quite a few of my male friends still don't have it, and I admit that the only reason I maintain one now is for primarily business purposes with the occasional interaction with relatives that live out of the area..

Id imagine some guys would lie. of course I hear the same things about women from men I know that did use it...At least they only lied about height..One guy went on a date with a woman he met on Match and they agreed to meet at a restaurant...He walked through the restaurant 4 times looking for her as she messaged him that she was seated already...He said she was completely unrecognizable..

Anyway, having 6 dates a week is kinda silly if you ask me...How could you possibly try to process each encounter and see how it could potentially work...I suppose if each guy was just physically repulsive..eh...I dunno...I wish you well in your search...

TFY

[Gaeta]

33 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

IME...Most successful/desirable men aren't on OLD....Its a game mostly for women...No disrespect to anyone using it, I've just not seen it, but for these guys, there are always options...You wouldn't go out and hunt for food if you are being fed it to you regularly on a silver platter..

Under 30 years old I can see you don't need a dating app as your social circle is wide, you still have your high school and college friends and friends of friends. When you get to middle age you're not interested anymore in hangning in clubs with friends, and you dropped hanging at the mall a looooong time ago. Using a dating site to find someone around your age seems the best thing to do. 

I was single for 8 years before meeting my boyfriend. 8 years of taking the same metro to go to work, taking the same elevator to reach my office, doing my grocery at the same store, and all my activities outside work were with my family or walking the trails with my dog. I am what you would consider a quality woman, fit, pretty, financially secure.....During those years of being single I have never seen a silver plate with good male prospects walking by me. I had the occasional much younger guys hitting on me only due to my jessica-rabbit figure...but an interesting male my age, never. 

Edited February 22, 2020 by Gaeta

[Ellener]

26 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

Its a bit of an embarrassment if a guy is seen by people he knows using a dating app...It's just not really considered a "manly" thing to do among the circle I run in...

Enough with the 'manly'!

What's not demonstrating personal strength or courage is caring too much what other people think...or being easily embarrassed then not being able to get past it/shake it off.

The world is half-online these days so naturally relationships are too.

If someone asked me how tall am I before they would meet to see if we were compatible I'd just assume it was like those men who write 'must be blonde' or 'african american only please' ie. they have a fixation with a 'type' and even if I was the thing they request it wouldn't be about getting to know me the person really. And I'm open-minded and free-spirited, would have little in common with someone with fixed ideas about people and relationships and appearances.

[thefooloftheyear]

29 minutes ago, Ellener said:

Enough with the 'manly'!

What's not demonstrating personal strength or courage is caring too much what other people think...or being easily embarrassed then not being able to get past it/shake it off.

The world is half-online these days so naturally relationships are too.

If someone asked me how tall am I before they would meet to see if we were compatible I'd just assume it was like those men who write 'must be blonde' or 'african american only please' ie. they have a fixation with a 'type' and even if I was the thing they request it wouldn't be about getting to know me the person really. And I'm open-minded and free-spirited, would have little in common with someone with fixed ideas about people and relationships and appearances.

If you say so....

It really does get frustrating at times when people refuse to believe that an entire world exists outside of the one they are living in...As a woman you really don't get it, but there are some things that a lot of guys do or don't do....because yep.....its considered unmanly and embarrassing.. That wont change because Ellener from Osh Kosh doesn't like it...or thinks it "lacks courage"...Courage to be embarrassed?   lol..

.I deal with a lot of people on a daily/weekly basis..and while I am not in that game if I was, do you really think Id feel great about people knowing that aspect about my personal life?  Eff that...Additionally,. if a guy can attract a ton of suitable/available  women in his daily activities/circles...with little to zero effort...already partially vetted and pre qualified..., then why would he bother with OLD and all the associated crap that goes along with it?  .. Makes no sense...

TFY

Edited February 22, 2020 by thefooloftheyear

[Gr8fuln2020]

10 minutes ago, thefooloftheyear said:

If you say so....

It really does get frustrating at times when people refuse to believe that an entire world exists outside of the one they are living in...As a woman you really don't get it, but there are some things that a lot of guys do or don't do....because yep.....its considered unmanly and embarrassing.. That wont change because Ellener from Osh Kosh doesn't like it...or thinks it "lacks courage"...Courage to be embarrassed?   lol..

.I deal with a lot of people on a daily/weekly basis..and while I am not in that game if I was, do you really think Id feel great about people knowing that aspect about my personal life?  Eff that...Additionally,. if a guy can attract a ton of suitable/available  women in his daily activities/circles...with little to zero effort...already partially vetted and pre qualified..., then why would he bother with OLD and all the associated crap that goes along with it?  .. Makes no sense...

TFY

What circles do you run with? I can clearly see men with egos claiming OLD is for the weak. Ha. Silly thought really. Who goes around announcing that they are dating OLD? I don't and when asked, I have no problem saying "on Eh." Some, many people are too busy and not interested in being among the meat market in real-life. One of the things about dating OL is that I can vet without ever meeting. Not entirely accurate, but before I ever meet, I have some idea of what I may be getting into. I have been fortunate for the most part...haven't met, but a handful of 'interesting' people. If a person can get dates without OLD, of course go for it. None of this is rocket science.

I suppose I am one of the successful guys who doesn't need OLD. Oh, I found my current gf using OLD. But, I am current among the successful guys who doesn't need it....right now.

[elaine567]

1 hour ago, thefooloftheyear said:

A woman I know mentioned to me that she matched up with a guy I she knew I know and thought it was funny....When I told him about it(I wasn't teasing him or anything), he immediately pulled himself off the site...He seemed completely mortified that I knew this..

Well done. you "shamed" him off the dating app.
If it was "Oh so easy" for him to get a woman he would never have been on it in the first place.
Fine to state "Real men don't do OLD", and that there are  so many "interested" women around, but I guess they will mostly disappear as soon as a guy declares he is single and available unless he is considered a real prize.
The kind of women who show interest IRL may not be the type he is looking for.
It is not easy for most once past the optimum dating age range.
As people age the likelihood of just bumping into a suitable mate IRL diminishes greatly, till for some the likelihood is essentially nil.
They have used up their options.
They realise the  result - nil.
Friends - nil
Acquaintances - nil
Work  - nil
Chance meeting street, book shop grocery store... - nil.
Hobbies - nil.
It is then that for many OLD is the only viable option.
REAL MEN or not...

Edited February 22, 2020 by elaine567

[Gr8fuln2020]

I have been told that I am REAL MAN! I have used OLD. Therefore, I am a REAL MAN who uses OLD....and gets dates. Yup, real men also use OLD.

Seriously, I just don't see what the fuss is regarding the use of OLD as just another means to an end...OLD has given more people more options which is both a good and bad things. My mom knows, my brother and sister knows, all the people I've met (and haven't met) OLD knows, some of my co-workers know and use, shoot, my kids have known...eh.

 

 

 

Edited February 22, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[rightondude]

hell I used to show the apps to my buddys and co-workers with pride; hey look at this chick I'm meeting up with later this week. All those married manly men usually had to roll their tongue back in their mouth and close their jaw back up. If they thought I was a real sissy for using it they never said as such.

it kinda reminded me of this scene from Naked Gun 2 1/2: