Online dating: went on 6 dates in one week, this is what I learned.

[Hopeful30]

I went on 6 dates from online dating in one week. What I learned is:

 

1) Men almost always lie about their height. 

2) On the date it becomes obvious why they are resorting to online apps (perceptual distortions, serious flaws, ridiculous expectations, etc.)

3) Lack of authenticity. Men behave how they *think* you want them to. (Annoying)

4) There is more success meeting people in real life.

 

After years of holding the same opinion about online dating, I decided to be open-minded and give it a 3rd try. All of my original suspicions were, once again, validated. This is making my life more difficult. I'm a busy woman. I work full-time, study full-time and the remainder is dedicated to physical exercise, making food for the week, standard chores and resting. This is why I considered online dating because meeting people this way doesn't require extra energy (we're all on our phones most of the time anyway). 

....so now what?

[d0nnivain]

5 minutes ago, Hopeful30 said:

....so now what?

You applaud yourself for trying. 

Since you already know that IRL works better for you, you make a plan of things you can & will do to meet people IRL.  I made myself a promise that I would go out at least once per week with the stated goal of meeting somebody; it's not desperate but more of a deliberate choice to put myself in a situation where that was possible.  I suggest the following: 

1.  Look around at work.  Not your company, but in the building & neighborhood

2.  take or teach an adult education not for credit fun class like investing; photography; auto mechanics etc. 

3.  Attend a niche singles event -- I went to one where you could bring your dog; I was getting ready to sign up for one where they created golf foursomes.  Pick something you are interested in; they probably have singles group for it 

4.  Industry events like continuing education, business card exchanges, chamber of commerce meetings 

5.  Volunteer organizations doing something you care about: rescuing animals, raising money to fight disease, working with the arts etc.

6.  get political -- there has to be something you care about; if national politics turns your stomach who is running for mayor?

7. go speed dating

8.  check out the alumni associations for what you graduated from

9.  go to any local sports bar during the "big game"   Do have a clue about the sport you are watching or at least be able to laugh at the commercials.

10.  Attend meet ups that do something you enjoy -- taste beer, watch movies, go hiking, play tennis, invest, read books, play board games etc.  

[smackie9]

Successful, stable, confident people don't need dating apps. That's why you won't find many on there.

[nospam99]

1) Men almost always lie about their height.

2) On the date it becomes obvious why they are resorting to online apps (perceptual distortions, serious flaws, ridiculous expectations, etc.)

3) Lack of authenticity. Men behave how they *think* you want them to. (Annoying)

4) There is more success meeting people in real life.

I'm on OLD ...
1) objectively 'not guilty
2) subjectively 'not guilty' q.v #4
3) isn't that a sign of respect for one's date?
4) objectively not true for me - ZERO real life meetings since my divorce (three years ago) though I am guilty of focusing my efforts on OLD until the last three months

Do a better job 'picking' and have patience. Men have to search the haystack for a needle, too.

[Miss Spider]

1) I haven’t encountered that problem. One guy did maybe? But overwhelming the  men I’ve met on OLD were really tall (I’m 5’7) and I don’t even care about height one bit? But see below.

2) You’ll encounter men with those problems in ‘real life’ too. There’s a high probability any  single men you’re meeting irl also have their pot on the OLD burner as well.. Again, most of not all of the guys I’ve met online have been relatively normal, but that’s just my experience 

3) See above 

4) I haven’t noted enough difference to come to that conclusion, but obviously it’s working better for you, then by all means. 

I’d  also like to say with 6 dates in one week you’re going about it all the wrong way. You can’t possibly be selecting for quality. I would feel lucky to find six guys who truly interested me enough for a LTR  in 6 years, so if that’s what you’re looking for, you probably have to filter more.
 

Edited February 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[alphamale]

in the future stop cooking and get takeaway/carry out.  then, put that free time towards  meeting people IRL.

for most people OLD is a total waste of time and money

[Erik30]

1 hour ago, Cookiesandough said:

I’d  also like to say with 6 dates in one week you’re going about it all the wrong way. You can’t possibly be selecting for quality. I would feel lucky to find six guys who truly interested me enough for a LTR  in 6 years, so if that’s what you’re looking for, you probably have to filter more.

Yeah I think this is mostly your problem here, you have to be more selective and patient. I assume you've barely exchanged messages with these guys if you had that many dates within just one week. Also I think that's probably too much for it to be "fun." 

I like to get to know someone at least a little bit before we go on a date, so I know it won't be a complete waste of time. 

Edited February 20, 2020 by Erik30

[Blind-Sided]

I'm not a fan of OLD either.  I've never given it a try... but just too much drama.  Including the lies, and pictures done with filters.  But as others said... people lie in real life to.  Yes... you avoid the height thing, if that's a big deal.  But there are thread after thread about lies about being married... or multi-dating... or just looking for hook-ups.

Since you did 6 dates in a week... that was too much effort, and I'm sure that after the first 3 or 4... #'s 5 and 6 didn't (potentially) get a fair shake.

And finally... as said above... guys look for a needle in a haystack too. Even in "Real Life".  I've had a few set-ups, and several didn't get past just talking with my friends about them, and now the one I may have been interested in, seems to not be interested anymore. But that's probably because of my indecision.

Anyway... good luck with the search.

[GuitarGuy7]

The reason why men lie about their height on online dating sites is because they think that women will look at their height on their dating page and then won't even consider them. And if you two go on a date, the guy can simply wear some lifts to make himself taller and the girl won't even notice. And yes, all of this is true, studies have shown that women prefer tall men on online dating sites and heavily discriminate against short men. 

One guy did a social experiment where he created two accounts and messaged 30 women; each profile had the same pictures, same bio, and the messages he sent to the women were the same. The only difference was that one profile was listed at 5 ft 4 (his real height) and the other was listed as 5 ft 10.

The 5 ft 4 profile received only 3 responses back and the women did not seem very receptive to the point where they stopped responding after the first message.  The 5 ft 10 profile on the other hand received 8 messages back and the women were noticeably more receptive to the point where he would have secured a date with at least a couple of them. And after mentioning his real height to these women, one woman flat out admitted to him "if you really are 5 ft 4, I wouldn't have given you a chance."

Edited February 21, 2020 by GuitarGuy7

[Ami1uwant]

OP...how old are you ?

 

i have had success with OLD over the years. The problem is now more peopl3 are using it which now brings in more peop,e who aren’t serious about it.  15-20 years ago users were serious about finding a relationships..not hookups or trying to find some fantasy person they cant meet IRL

 

 

 

 

 

 

[kendahke]

7 minutes ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

And yes, all of this is true, studies have shown that women prefer tall men on online dating sites and heavily discriminate against short men. 

. And after mentioning his real height to these women, one woman flat out admitted to him "if you really are 5 ft 4, I wouldn't have given you a chance."

Everyone is entitled to their preferences in a romantic partner and are under no obligation to give up their preferences just because someone can't get a date. Pity dating is rather sad. 

If one is not in the least bit attracted to a short man, a heavy set woman, people with small children, that's their prerogative.

There are a lot of men I'd like to date, but they're not checking for a 60 yr old black woman. (In fact, the first thing I check for on Match is what their preferences are and most men outside of other AA men in my age range check every ethnicity except AA women)

Lying about what I am is really dumb because when they see me, the truth will out and then I look not only even more stupid, but I'm now considered a liar for not being truthful about something as basic as who/what I am from the get-go.

[kendahke]

3 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said:

OP...how old are you ?

 

i have had success with OLD over the years. The problem is now more peopl3 are using it which now brings in more peop,e who aren’t serious about it.  15-20 years ago users were serious about finding a relationships..not hookups or trying to find some fantasy person they cant meet IRL

So true. My sister met her husband through OLD 16 years ago.

[Gaeta]

People online and people in real life are the same. 

That cute guy in the elevator you see each  morning is on a dating app, the UPS guy is on a dating app, your night-course teacher is on a dating app. I am an independant career woman and I was online, as my brother, as my daughter, as my friends, we're all normal people who have met online. 

It's not gonna work until it does, and concentrating on the negative will not help you find someone. 

Meeting 6 men in  a week tells me you met men without doing your homework and asking the right questions. You went through the motion, on auto-pilot, one of those 6 guys was probably an interesting prospect but you were on a roll and didn't take time to digest the meeting, you were already gone on a different date. 

When dating never ever works, at some point  you have to humble yourself and see what is your role in your failure. 

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

If a relationship does not work out because you do not respect the man you are with, that is the man's fault.

If you don't even get passed the first date because the person is undesirable, that is 100% your fault... Giving some guy your time who lied about his height, your fault, not his... You had the option to immediately end the interaction there, but instead you chose to be nice and usually, people who choose to be nice end up with less than they would otherwise. If he is lying about his height, he clearly does not respect himself and if he cannot respect himself, how in the hell can he respect you?

There are undesirables in OLD, it is what it is, but if you give your time to them, that is not their fault, that is your fault.

[Fletch Lives]

I did notice, when online dating, some women who met me would say I seem taller. So maybe a lot of men are lying about height?

There are lot's of undesirables on dating sites. And dating it the endless search for a needle in a haystack.

However, you only need to find one good one!

[chillii]

Yep l'd go with cookie , hth could you possibly choose 6 worthwhile dates in a week .

And yes in my little experience back when there were mostly a whole bunch of effd up , very exaggerated , 1/2 crazy over weight women on it too which l'd bet a million bucks haven't been asked out in RL in 20yrs, but not all, there were good people on there too and there are lots of very valid reasons. But again as cookie said and l've said myself 50times round here, you've gotta be selective, use that thing between your ears which 6 nothing silly dates in a week certainly wasn't doing.

Mind you l agree too RL , the old ways , is def' a great way to go , if you can,  butttt, things are also different now , people and the way they live are different, everythings different, soooo. !

Edited February 21, 2020 by chillii

[Miss Spider]

.

4 hours ago, Fletch Lives said:

I did notice, when online dating, some women who met me would say I seem taller. So maybe a lot of men are lying about height?

There are lot's of undesirables on dating sites. And dating it the endless search for a needle in a haystack.

However, you only need to find one good one!

I used to be opposed to meeting men online because I felt men who were desirable couldn’t be on there, but I think it does serve a purpose, meeting people, having fun. I think my main problem with online dating is I can’t take men seriously on there in a romantic sense, though. I feel like I just strongly prefer men who don’t purposefully go looking for love, but live their life, meet women, and it just finds them. Like they wouldn’t care one way or another about marketing themselves for a relationship online. But that’s just me

Edited February 21, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[littleblackheart]

My sister (I would qualifier her as a 'top tier' candidate) has used OLD a few times to try and find a guy.

 

She very heavily screens potential dates, she only dates one man at a time, she only goes on 2nd dates with men she genuinely likes, and although she's still single, the reason is not lack of 'quality' good men on OLD. 

 

It's simply because of lack of compatibility or lack of attraction (she is, to be fair, very fussy - which she freely admits herself).

 

So I'm not sure OLD is the issue - I think it's more the fact that as we grow older, it gets more difficult to find a compatible partner, Good timing / luck plays a part too.

 

 

[Blind-Sided]

After thinking about this thread... and the OP is saying people on line are not completely truthful about things.   And as I read through this again... I started thinking about how many women aren't truthful even in real life.  OK... I know I'm going to get yelled at about this but..................

Women dye their hair all the time.  What if a guy really only wants to date a redhead, and later he finds she is a blond?

Women wear high heels to make their butts and legs look better, and to be a little taller.

Women wear make-up to cover blemishes, and wrinkles.  This could be a HUGE issue the "Morning after" if you understand what I'm saying.

Women wear push-up, and padded bras to make their bust look fuller.

And, (some) women wear spanx, spandex, control undergarments to cover bumps and rolls.

OK... I'm not superficial, and I understand that is society norm. AND... I'm not a guy who turns down a girl just because she is bigger... but the fact is... (straight) guys generally don't do that kind of stuff, and if one puts lifts in his shoes to be a little taller... then he is labeled a liar??

Edited February 21, 2020 by Blind-Sided

[Blind-Sided]

1 hour ago, littleblackheart said:

......It's simply because of lack of compatibility or lack of attraction (she is, to be fair, very fussy - which she freely admits herself).

........

This brings up a thought.......

When I was younger, and I played some of my video games.  I loved some of them deeply, and I was happy with that 5 or 6 games I had bought... and could spend hour after hour with all of them.  (this is akin to dating in real life)  But now... I have emulators, and can download 1000's of games for the old systems I use to play.  But with that HUGE selection at my fingertips... I find myself getting bored with a game I would have normally enjoyed.  (this is like OLD)

I'm starting to wonder if having that big selection of people that we generally only look at pictures to make a selection has desensitized us to the deeper connections??  I can tell you for a fact... I have gone out with girls and enjoyed their company when I was younger... but if I was simply shown a picture... I would have said "No thanks."

 

??????????

[Ellener]

I will never get this obsession with height, but a funny thing happened to me at church last week, I told someone I'm 5' 8 and another person said 'me too'. She looks taller than me so we stood back to back and guess what- she is! I have lost about 1.5 inches in height as I age! 

Re. OLD I have only met two men in person and had a long conversation with another and they were all lovely men. 

I screened two things, what do they say about who they are looking for ( any expression of bitterness or 'you must be' phrases or something disrespectful in soliciting a stranger and it's a no ) and do they have verifyable identity ( job/business is what I've used so far, for safety before I meet them )

16 hours ago, Hopeful30 said:

This is why I considered online dating because meeting people this way doesn't require extra energy

 You put lots of energy into all the other things which are important to you, have the same attitude to spending time with potential partners is what I'd do. Anything that's worth effort is going to take effort?

I got horribly lost on our second date so it was pretty stressful and we missed the event, but we met and had a lovely time anyway and it revealed a lot about each other. 

Don't give up!

[5x5]

13 hours ago, GuitarGuy7 said:

The reason why men lie about their height on online dating sites is because they think that women will look at their height on their dating page and then won't even consider them. And if you two go on a date, the guy can simply wear some lifts to make himself taller and the girl won't even notice. And yes, all of this is true, studies have shown that women prefer tall men on online dating sites and heavily discriminate against short men.

Well I better tell my 5'6" 19 year old (lives at home with his parents) son, that he should give up trying to date women using online dating since he has no chance of having any success with them.

Except he has obviously ignored your memo, since he keeps getting plenty of dates with attractive young women (with some of them becoming ongoing girlfriends) while using online apps. All without lying about his height and never wearing lifts or any other type of height altering footwear that won't fool anyone. Of which all of them have been his height or shorter and his current pretty girlfriend, who my wife, our daughter and I have met is also his height at 5'6"

Seriously I think any man who lies about his height, ought to be immediately rejected on principle, since they won't own themselves and evidently lack integrity. While they are literal time wasters as well, since finding sexual partners shouldn't be about taking pity on people who as liars don't deserve pity in the first place. Plus pity does nothing to generate sexual attention or attraction.

[littleblackheart]

2 hours ago, Blind-Sided said:

 

I'm starting to wonder if having that big selection of people that we generally only look at pictures to make a selection has desensitized us to the deeper connections?? 

Not the case for my sister. Selecting is not her issue at all; she has good boundaries, she's only 'fussy' in terms of personality requisites / attraction and she is absolutely not superficial or vain herself.

 

 Ultimately, I think she's just happy single (maybe my philosophy has rubbed off on her). She is very accomplished in her job, she is very attractive, solvent and a homeowner, and she is just really lovely. Any guy would be lucky to have her. 

 

My assumption is that she doesn't want to jinx all her hardwork by inviting in her life someone she'll 'grow into', which is fair enough, imo.

 

There are good people everywhere, including online. You just need to know how to look and not overthink it.

 

That's my take anyway, as a non-dater.

[Gr8fuln2020]

No difference between people on and offline. All have similar baggage. 

You seem to place a high emphasis on height. We’re they still taller than you? 

One thing noteworthy is that you dated 6 people in a week. Why? One of the biggest problems is that people treat it like an a la carte. Not serious and GIGS prone.

[smackie9]

What they show you on the commercials is not what you see online....so misleading. Me and my husband were looking for his co-worker's profile and while we were doing that we had a look at. OMG it was pretty sad. There was nothing on there that I would consider date worthy. It was pretty laughable some of those profiles.

This is why I'm sympathetic to those who use dating apps. Very discouraging to say the least. I totally get it. If I had to start all over and my choice was to use these apps.....it just horrifies me lol.

If you happen to be the needle in this big big haystack, you probably wouldn't have to be on there too long because the other needle in the haystack will find you pretty quickly. lol