Sajra Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 I have been with my boyfriend for 6 months. When we met, it was an instant connection. He spent a few days pursuing me and I finally gave in and went out with him. There was something special there, for both of us. We live a thousand miles apart but agreed to stay together until we can make plans to relocate. We did travel to see each other 3 times in the 6 months and it was always wonderful. The l word was said after two weeks. Everything was perfect and intense, until it wasn't. He started to pull back towards the end of December. I knew he was under some stress so I gave space. Instead of calling and texting several times a day, it went to quick texts and calls a few times a week. I spent a few days with him at the end of January and it was amazing. I know he loves me. He tells me all the time but I can also see it in his eyes. So why did he dump me 2 weeks later? It was by email, telling me that he loves me and I'm perfect but he needs to work on himself and he doesn't like long distance and he was no longer emotionally invested in the relationship. He left it open to get back together. I was upset and sent a few angry replies. He called immediately and told me he loved me and sees a future together. He then texted loving stuff all day. I asked him to take it back(breaking up) because I didn't think he really meant it since we are so good together. He went silent. The next day, I texted this, "let me rephrase. Take it back or don't contact me again" His reply: " I'm not starting my day like this. Good morning! Have a great day!" My reply, " ok, then never contact me again. It's all or nothing, there is no in between." And its now 48 hours later and not a word. I love him. I want to be with him but I won't be strung along. We are either together or we arent. But now I'm sad and I miss him.
Author Sajra Posted February 20, 2020 Author Posted February 20, 2020 So my plan was 30 days of zero contact and then reassess my feelings. Today is day 2. It's so hard. I'm not sure how people do it.
kendahke Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, Sajra said: So why did he dump me 2 weeks later? It was by email, telling me that he loves me and I'm perfect but he needs to work on himself and he doesn't like long distance and he was no longer emotionally invested in the relationship. The next day, I texted this, "let me rephrase. Take it back or don't contact me again" His reply: " I'm not starting my day like this. Good morning! Have a great day!" My reply, " ok, then never contact me again. It's all or nothing, there is no in between." And its now 48 hours later and not a word. I love him. I want to be with him but I won't be strung along. We are either together or we arent. But now I'm sad and I miss him. He broke up with you--the rest of that mess was him keeping a FWB open with you, not a full on relationship. Besides, being 1000 miles apart, the only thing you have are a string of honeymoon visits then you board a plane/train and go back to your pumpkin lives without each other in close proximity. Relationships work best when both people live in the same general location. No relationship that starts out over 1000 apart is going to be realistic or work out---you have to have day in and day out interaction in order to grow the relationship. It'd be different if you two had 2 years in the same city and he moved for a job or something. If all you have is a string of honeymoon encounters, the only thing that grows is frustration, which leads to resentment. Be sad, miss him and then move on and find a guy within 15 miles of you. You'll be far happier. And unless you want to be this clown's FWB, I'd put him on block and keep it moving. You'll never move on and be free for the right guy if you're still dealing with him. Edited February 20, 2020 by kendahke 5 2
Author Sajra Posted February 20, 2020 Author Posted February 20, 2020 I'm hurt. We were planning on moving together but family obligations mean it couldn't be for 16 months. He still is planning that. Like I'm supposed to put my life on hold and pick back up then.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 OP, it is usually a bad sign when someone you barely know is telling you they love you after 14 days of dating. It means they're either very impulsive, have an immature and superficial view of love, or they're looking to fill a void in their lives - or a combination of all three. You cannot take it seriously when a virtual stranger is declaring love. It appears you two hit fast-forward on the relationship without really taking the time to truly get to know each other. Unfortunately, taking 30 days to reassess your own feelings isn't going to mean he feels any differently. It sounds to me like he wants to date someone locally and possibly has his mind on someone specific. Don't put yourself on hold for this guy. It is not realistic and not fair to you, and it probably won't have a happy ending. Out of curiosity, how old are you both and how did you meet someone who lives so far away? 4
preraph Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 You should date other guys. It is very rare that a man will be faithful to a long-distance girlfriend. They do lose interest when you're not right in front of them. And the poster above is right bet you haven't even had a legit relationship where you had to put up with each other day in and day out. People who fall in love that quick or think they do, it's them projecting onto you that you are the ideal woman in their head. I mean they don't really know you yet. So they fill in what they don't know about you with what they hope you are. and then sometimes that goes away as they get to know you better. Just date other guys. 1
Author Sajra Posted February 20, 2020 Author Posted February 20, 2020 1 minute ago, ExpatInItaly said: OP, it is usually a bad sign when someone you barely know is telling you they love you after 14 days of dating. It means they're either very impulsive, have an immature and superficial view of love, or they're looking to fill a void in their lives - or a combination of all three. You cannot take it seriously when a virtual stranger is declaring love. It appears you two hit fast-forward on the relationship without really taking the time to truly get to know each other. Unfortunately, taking 30 days to reassess your own feelings isn't going to mean he feels any differently. It sounds to me like he wants to date someone locally and possibly has his mind on someone specific. Don't put yourself on hold for this guy. It is not realistic and not fair to you, and it probably won't have a happy ending. Out of curiosity, how old are you both and how did you meet someone who lives so far away? The love thing was mutual. We love bombed each other. Maybe we both had a void to fill.i am 41 and he is 42. We both travel for work and met at a convention. We spent 11 hours a day together for 8 days. He walked up to me immediately and there were intense sparks. He started asking me out on day 2. I agreed on day 4 but cancelled. We went to dinner on day 7 and the rest was history. There is definitely something between us and I don't believe that there is anyone else. He is all work and home. I was the first woman he even looked at in a year and he was the first man I looked at in 2 years. We both are out of long term, and messy marriages. we both have older kids which is why the timeline. That is when both of our youngest children go off to college. His reasoning for breaking up was the distance, he is not stable in work, he just moved out of the family home and he needs to get settled and doesnt feel emotionally invested in our relationship lately. He claims that he can't to what he is supposed to do as a boyfriend. I'm trying to understand. If there wasn't that connection I could walk away and not think twice but this one burns.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 1 minute ago, Sajra said: His reasoning for breaking up was the distance, he is not stable in work, he just moved out of the family home and he needs to get settled and doesnt feel emotionally invested in our relationship lately. He claims that he can't to what he is supposed to do as a boyfriend. Meaning, he was living with his ex-wife until recently, or?
Author Sajra Posted February 20, 2020 Author Posted February 20, 2020 7 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Meaning, he was living with his ex-wife until recently, or? Upstairs And I knew and understand. My ex and I lived in the same house until 5 months ago. Kids, expenses and we both travel a lot. Even now, when I'm on the road, my ex stays here. It's not a big deal.
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 Both of you were running full speed ahead off of hormones. At some point, he came back down to the reality that this cannot work. You barely know each other and there's too much distance, too soon in the "relationship", for too long.
Author Sajra Posted February 20, 2020 Author Posted February 20, 2020 3 minutes ago, Sajra said: Upstairs And I knew and understand. My ex and I lived in the same house until 5 months ago. Kids, expenses and we both travel a lot. Even now, when I'm on the road, my ex stays here. It's not a big deal. It sounds crazy unless you are in the situation. He always said that I was the female version of him. We are so much alike and have some of the same fears and commitment issues, we just act on them differently. I cling and he runs.
Author Sajra Posted February 20, 2020 Author Posted February 20, 2020 2 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: Both of you were running full speed ahead off of hormones. At some point, he came back down to the reality that this cannot work. You barely know each other and there's too much distance, too soon in the "relationship", for too long. You make total sense But in my heart, I want to believe that it was special and will work out in the end. Maybe I am delusional. In 30 days, once I emotionally detach, I may see things differently
kendahke Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 2 hours ago, Sajra said: If there wasn't that connection I could walk away and not think twice but this one burns. He broke up with you. How strong could that connection be if he reached for setting you adrift instead of coming to a solution/compromise together, like couples with a true connection do? The strength of his connection is only in maintaining a FWB with you. If that's cool with you, then go for it, but it's not like you're 28 and have a lot of time to be waiting on a man to open a can of "act right". Time isn't your friend here. It might be better to consider this a wonderful fling, but you have to find someone in your area to build something more substantial with.
kendahke Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: You barely know each other and there's too much distance, too soon in the "relationship", for too long. OP, this is why he felt connection--because he knew you weren't going to be getting on the same plane with him going back to his city and he wasn't going with you to your city, so it's really easy to go in hard with the love bombing stuff, whirl you around then when he leaves, say "yeah, no, got too much going on in my life.." Brings to mind the adage: "what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas". Edited February 20, 2020 by kendahke
snowboy91 Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 Everything he's been doing since he started pulling away is him trying to be nice and tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Probably because he doesn't like upsetting you, and you sent some angry replies.
Author Sajra Posted February 21, 2020 Author Posted February 21, 2020 6 minutes ago, snowboy91 said: Everything he's been doing since he started pulling away is him trying to be nice and tell you what he thinks you want to hear. Probably because he doesn't like upsetting you, and you sent some angry replies. He called me after getting those. They weren't that bad. I just called him a liar. We are 3 hours apart so I woke up to the break up email and then he woke up to me telling him to go to hell. We spoke on the phone and then texted all day, initiated by him and everything was fine. The morning after is when I told him to take it back (the breakup) or never contact me again. He hasn't contacted me since (3days) so I guess he really meant it.
spiritedaway2003 Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 4 hours ago, Sajra said: He called me after getting those. They weren't that bad. I just called him a liar. We are 3 hours apart so I woke up to the break up email and then he woke up to me telling him to go to hell. I'd say they are bad, and those are angry replies. FWIW, if I were him, I would see them as red flags. I would be hesitant, if not downright turned off, with someone who would be so nonchalant with calling someone a liar and telling someone to "go to hell". In lieu of having a proper conversation. Long distance relationships are incredibly difficult to maintain. And he already gave you his reasons "His reasoning for breaking up was the distance, he is not stable in work, he just moved out of the family home and he needs to get settled and doesnt feel emotionally invested in our relationship lately. He claims that he can't to what he is supposed to do as a boyfriend". Believe what he tells you, regardless of how strong of a connection you may feel. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 10 hours ago, Sajra said: If there wasn't that connection I could walk away and not think twice but this one burns. Unfortunately, you've just discovered that this connection was a lot more one-sided than you thought. He talked a sweet talk, but he isn't prepared to walk the walk. I know you are disappointed, but be more cautious next time. Diving straight into something with someone you hardly know and can't see very much in person isn't wise and leaves you open to getting very hurt. 1
schlumpy Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 13 hours ago, Sajra said: Upstairs And I knew and understand. My ex and I lived in the same house until 5 months ago. Kids, expenses and we both travel a lot. Even now, when I'm on the road, my ex stays here. It's not a big deal. Now I understand why you don't date locally. It's a bit tough on your dates ego to bring you home and find your EX is waiting up for you. That would put off a lot of guys.
stillafool Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 15 hours ago, Sajra said: I'm hurt. We were planning on moving together but family obligations mean it couldn't be for 16 months. He still is planning that. Like I'm supposed to put my life on hold and pick back up then. How can he still be planning that when he broke up with you. It's over. 1
Author Sajra Posted February 21, 2020 Author Posted February 21, 2020 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: Now I understand why you don't date locally. It's a bit tough on your dates ego to bring you home and find your EX is waiting up for you. That would put off a lot of guys. I don't date period. I haven't been interested in another man and I do get offers. I have a lot going on in my life and the last thing I had on my mind was dating. This guy took me by surprise.
TeddyBundy1993 Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 Long distance are hard. Very hard. Moreover he dangled within 6 months surely raises questions on his commitment levels. I love you bs is just so ridiculous look at his actions he doesnt gives you respect doesnt put up real reasons for pulling back moreover keeps you hanging by giving you Hopes that there is a future together as if you are some second back plan. He is degrading you and you are letting him do that. You did good by stepping into no contact. Yes it's hard. More hard than said we all do it for our own sanity well being and getting over grieve and pain. Because being in contact with such person is not appropriate at all. It will be difficult for you to not talk to him but slowly you'll get him out of your system memories will fade away. You'll get used to life without him, sadly it's the only way out but road to find new happiness and someone worth. This guy simply doesnt deserve you and make you wait give ridiculous Hopes stick to no contact this guy would reach you surely will throw BS of dumpers like I missed you, I m thinking of you whatever. Dont get weak ok. He chose to keep you out of his life as a Romantic partner, you give him that with that you do what you chose I.e to refrain any contact with him. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 (edited) 7 hours ago, schlumpy said: Now I understand why you don't date locally. It's a bit tough on your dates ego to bring you home and find your EX is waiting up for you. That would put off a lot of guys. Keep this in mind for the future, OP. Your ex staying at your house is not going to go over well with whomever you might date in a more serious capacity down the road. Sooner or later, if you truly want to meet a new partner, those sleepovers will have to stop. Likewise for your ex, really. How much serious dating can he really do when he is still living with his ex-wife? The answer is none. And I'm afraid that includes your relationship with him. Out of curiosity, how long ago did he get divorced? Edited February 21, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
Author Sajra Posted February 21, 2020 Author Posted February 21, 2020 He moved out a few months ago but stays when I'm out of town. We had been living separately under one roof before we got divorced. Separate bedrooms, bathroomd and living rooms. That is the least of my concerns. I was never looking to date anyone. I'm busy with work, I have a son that is chronically ill, my other son is still in highschool and I have a lot of side projects. This guy just hit me like a ton of bricks. Even with an instant connection, I did say no to a date at first and even said yes once and then cancelled. I just didn't want to get involved and didn't see room in my life. I don't know what the future will bring. Right now, I am just staying no contact. Maybe we will end up together in 18 months or maybe I will never see him again.
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