Updated can I fix my relationship

[Daisygirl29]

I have been with my SO for 18 years. We have been threw a lot of hard times together , but I do not know if we can get past this recent issue. 18 months ago I was diagnosed with a chronic condition and I shut everyone out because I went from thinking I was going to live forever to thinking I was going to be dead in a month.  My SO tried to help me and was so supportive, but I did not want to hear anything he had to say because I was so devastated.  I realized this was not the way to handle this and I needed to treat the one person who was going to be there for me better. 

I apologized to him and we talked a lot and I told him I didn't want to be that way anymore and I wanted to work on fixing what I broke. He was honest with me and told me he wasn't sure if he still loved me , but also promised he would always be there to support me no matter what. I asked him if he was planning to leave me in the next week or month and he said no. I need advice on what I can do to make things better. Do I give him space , do I act like I used to before this happened , do I let him come to me?

We still have been talking about plans for my birthday and other plans for stuff in the future , but IDK if he is just really hurt and needs time or if I really did ruin everything. Any and all advice is welcome. I have lost 12 pounds recently and am only sleeping 2-3 hours a night. I am missing work because this is causing me so much grief. I just have never been threw this so please anyone with advice I welcome it.

[mark clemson]

Clearly you're under a great deal of stress, which never helps. One thing to consider is thanking him, apologizing for treating him poorly, and asking what he'd like to for you or both of you to repair things (if you haven't done all that already). It's good that you're reflecting on why you treated him poorly and would like to change.  Consider (when time/your situation permits) going to individual counseling with the goal of getting yourself to a place where you're not negative towards those who care for you. This could pay off extremely well later on as it will hopefully help your LTRs to endure and even if they don't make you more resilient overall.

[Daisygirl29]

8 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Clearly you're under a great deal of stress, which never helps. One thing to consider is thanking him, apologizing for treating him poorly, and asking what he'd like to for you or both of you to repair things (if you haven't done all that already). It's good that you're reflecting on why you treated him poorly and would like to change.  Consider (when time/your situation permits) going to individual counseling with the goal of getting yourself to a place where you're not negative towards those who care for you. This could pay off extremely well later on as it will hopefully help your LTRs to endure and even if they don't make you more resilient overall.

I asked him what I could do and he told me he didn't know. We still act like we are together. ( go out with friends , have sex , talk about household things , etc) I just don't know what to do. I feel like he is just hurt right now and this will pass , but I am not 100% sure and it is killing me.

[mark clemson]

Nothing's ever 100% anyhow. Give it your best and be sweet and give it some time. Hopefully it pans out...

[Daisygirl29]

2 minutes ago, mark clemson said:

Nothing's ever 100% anyhow. Give it your best and be sweet and give it some time. Hopefully it pans out...

I hope so because I am doing everything I can to try to fix things. I just feel like my heart has been ripped out of my body. I have never been in this much pain and we are still officially together.

[d0nnivain]

You stop talking about it & kill him with kindness.  Leave him cute little notes.  Sext him.  greet him cheerfully.  To the extent you have the energy, make or order his favorite meal.  Be flirty.  In shore be the woman he fell in love with.  

Your illness probably threw him for a loop too.  If you thought you were going to die in a month, it had to give him pause about how things would change.  He probably started wondering about his own mortality & life without you.  This is all deep, scary stuff.  Lighten it up as best you can, for your sake too.  Remember it's not the years in your life.  It's the life in your years. 

Get well soon (or at least minimize the impact of the illness)

[Daisygirl29]

45 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

You stop talking about it & kill him with kindness.  Leave him cute little notes.  Sext him.  greet him cheerfully.  To the extent you have the energy, make or order his favorite meal.  Be flirty.  In shore be the woman he fell in love with.  

Your illness probably threw him for a loop too.  If you thought you were going to die in a month, it had to give him pause about how things would change.  He probably started wondering about his own mortality & life without you.  This is all deep, scary stuff.  Lighten it up as best you can, for your sake too.  Remember it's not the years in your life.  It's the life in your years. 

Get well soon (or at least minimize the impact of the illness)

I am trying to do all of those things , but are there any signs I should look for that it is too far gone and we can't save this? He is my entire world and I would give anything to go back and fix what happened. All I can do now is apologize and apologize. I want to do more , but he is the type that doesn't like to talk about things while he is "thinking" about it. So I am basically in in the dark of anything he is thinking.

[d0nnivain]

I don't know if there are signs, beyond the obvious. . . that things snap back to normal. 

If you have repeatedly apologized, talking is not going to fix this in the short term so stop trying to get him to put words around it.  Carry on as though everything is grand.  

[Daisygirl29]

2 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I don't know if there are signs, beyond the obvious. . . that things snap back to normal. 

If you have repeatedly apologized, talking is not going to fix this in the short term so stop trying to get him to put words around it.  Carry on as though everything is grand.  

I am doing my best , but it is extremely hard. I am not sleeping , eating, I've called in to work 3 times because I can't function on no sleep, I can't stop crying.

The weird thing is things are "normalish" between us. The on;y difference is him not telling me he loves me and he doesn't know if he does.

We keep talking about plans for things in the future , but if he doesn't love me I don't see why he would be doing that.

[fishlips]

People should love each other for better or worse, and it sound like he couldn't handle the "worse" part.

I think it's rather s***ty of him to tell you he's not sure he loves you after you got sick. I realize you were mean to him for a while, but you sort of had an excuse. 

I think you need to determine if he's just scared because of your illness, or he wants out because of it. I know it's hard, but you need to know the truth.

[Daisygirl29]

4 minutes ago, fishlips said:

People should love each other for better or worse, and it sound like he couldn't handle the "worse" part.

I think it's rather s***ty of him to tell you he's not sure he loves you after you got sick. I realize you were mean to him for a while, but you sort of had an excuse. 

I think you need to determine if he's just scared because of your illness, or he wants out because of it. I know it's hard, but you need to know the truth.

I agree to an extent. For the first year and 5 months he was great and supportive. This came out of no where to me. I told him the day I was diagnosed he could walk away with no hard feelings and he told me he would stay by me no matter what happened. That is what is hurting so much. I am trying so hard to repair what I broke and while he is still treating me nicely and everything , him telling me he doesn't know if he loves me is killing me.

I just wish he could give me some type of an idea as to what he is really thinking. Like I said this came out of nowhere because we were and still are acting exactly like we have been , except he told me that. I just want things to go back to how they used to be and I am willing to do anything for that to happen.

[d0nnivain]

What he's thinking is that you shut him out because you couldn't deal.  He was hurt by that behavior.  I understand what you did & to some extent why but the wounds that caused gave him pause.  Now that he's seeing you come back toward needing him that should be reassuring but this might not be a quick fix. 

What he said was hurtful but you have to pull yourself together.  you can't lose your job over this.  

[Daisygirl29]

9 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

What he's thinking is that you shut him out because you couldn't deal.  He was hurt by that behavior.  I understand what you did & to some extent why but the wounds that caused gave him pause.  Now that he's seeing you come back toward needing him that should be reassuring but this might not be a quick fix. 

What he said was hurtful but you have to pull yourself together.  you can't lose your job over this.  

I know we can't fix things over night. I just want some type of reassurance that we can one day fix things. I know this is all my fault and I hate myself for it. I wrote him a letter , but I am going to see what kind of mood he is in when he gets home from work. I don't want to make things worse , but I also have so much more i want to say but find it hard to say face to face.

[d0nnivain]

Seriously, the more you talk about it, the more letters you write, the worse this gets.  He needs to sit quietly & not answer your valid Qs.  I know you want / need answers & reassurances but you have to understand he doesn't have them for you. 

I still maintain that you need to hush.  It's a fake it till you make it sort of thing.  Stop talking about it & fixating on it.  Act like everything is just fine & eventually it will be.  

When you push & prod you are pushing him away.  You gotta give him a chance to freak out.  Was he on you all the time when you were pushing him away & curling into yourself?  No.  He gave you a chance to make peace in your head & then you came to him.  Afford him the same courtesy.  

[elaine567]

You seem to be blaming yourself, when this may have nothing to do with how you reacted after the diagnosis.
Unfortunately many cannot deal with illness in a partner, they stop seeing them as the person they fell in love with, they may even be physically repulsed or they just don't want to deal with the repercussions of being with a chronically sick person.
Sometimes they have a vision of the future in their heads which is spoiled by the arrival of sickness into the relationship.
Some cannot deal with the emotions surrounding sickness either, they instinctively want to turn and run.

OR he was half way out the door anyway, he had already fallen out of love but now feels obliged to stay...

NONE of that is in your power to "fix", the ball is in his court

[Daisygirl29]

4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

Seriously, the more you talk about it, the more letters you write, the worse this gets.  He needs to sit quietly & not answer your valid Qs.  I know you want / need answers & reassurances but you have to understand he doesn't have them for you. 

I still maintain that you need to hush.  It's a fake it till you make it sort of thing.  Stop talking about it & fixating on it.  Act like everything is just fine & eventually it will be.  

When you push & prod you are pushing him away.  You gotta give him a chance to freak out.  Was he on you all the time when you were pushing him away & curling into yourself?  No.  He gave you a chance to make peace in your head & then you came to him.  Afford him the same courtesy.  

I will hold off on the letter for now. I was mostly writing what I was feeling to get everything off my chest. I am really trying to let him have his time , but it is so hard when he acts sometimes like everything is normal (we go out with friends and still have sex and talk about plans for my birthday and how we are going to get a new mattress). So that is my main thing. He is acting like everything is normal, but his words say something else. I just hate this so much. I have never been in this situation so I don;t know how to handle it and that is what is making this so hard. I know you are right and I need to let him come to me , but that is easier said than done.

[Daisygirl29]

4 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

You seem to be blaming yourself, when this may have nothing to do with how you reacted after the diagnosis.
Unfortunately many cannot deal with illness in a partner, they stop seeing them as the person they fell in love with, they may even be physically repulsed or they just don't want to deal with the repercussions of being with a chronically sick person.
Sometimes they have a vision of the future in their heads which is spoiled by the arrival of sickness into the relationship.
Some cannot deal with the emotions surrounding sickness either, they instinctively want to turn and run.

OR he was half way out the door anyway, he had already fallen out of love but now feels obliged to stay...

NONE of that is in your power to "fix", the ball is in his court

I gave him the option to leave the night of my diagnosis. He said he would always be there for me so I don't think that is it. He is a really good guy (mostly). I think I just really hurt him with how I acted and I want to do what I can to make it right.

[elaine567]

People rarely if ever leave at the start.
They are shocked and want to do the right thing as who would leave a beloved partner at a time like that?
In order to reassure and make the sick person feel better they often promise to "never leave".
It is after when they have had a chance to think and absorb the full implications, that they start questioning  the relationship.
BUT now they have to also get past that promise to "never leave"..

[d0nnivain]

I thinking writing your feelings is an excellent outlet.  Start a journal.  

 

Good luck! 

[daisy1333]

15 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

People rarely if ever leave at the start.
They are shocked and want to do the right thing as who would leave a beloved partner at a time like that?
In order to reassure and make the sick person feel better they often promise to "never leave".
It is after when they have had a chance to think and absorb the full implications, that they start questioning  the relationship.
BUT now they have to also get past that promise to "never leave"..

But the thing is while I have this Illness it’s still 100% stable and nothing at all has changed. Before this issue with him  I was working 2 jobs 60 hours a week. Now I’m a wreck and blowing through my pto I’ve saved. 
 

he’s been such a strong supporter. He changed his eating habits and is cooking for us (still is), is supporting me with a potential career goal, got super mad when he found out I signed up for something in Switzerland. He just doesn’t seem like the type who would leave over this unless it was right away. He even helped me put in plastic retainers on my 18 piercings twice and that’s not something I see him doing it he had one foot out the door. 
 

im pretty sure I just messed things up and need to find a way to fix it. 

Edited January 8, 2020 by daisy1333

[daisy1333]

6 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

I thinking writing your feelings is an excellent outlet.  Start a journal.  

 

Good luck! 

Thank you. I’m hoping that this blows over soonish and doesn’t take 18 months. 

[elaine567]

7 minutes ago, daisy1333 said:

(he) got super mad when he found out I signed up for something in Switzerland.

Not Dignitas?

[daisy1333]

Just now, elaine567 said:

Not Dignitas?

Yep... didn’t want to say that on here. Didn’t know if it was allowed. But it was when I was first diagnosed and was freaked out. I’m not planning to renew this year but it was a stupid moment of weakness. 

[elaine567]

So he will be panicking, I guess.
 

[daisy1333]

8 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

So he will be panicking, I guess.
 

I cancelled my membership. Haven’t told him yet because this happened, but I still want to let him know when it feels like the right time. 
 

He said he didn’t understand why I didn’t trust him to take care of me if things got bad. (This was 9ish months ago) so long before this recent issue.