quagmire2020 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) Hi I would like your thoughts on my story. I've read lots of harsh responses to other WS and cheaters, and I know I can't help them from replying to this thread. But please may I request you to be kind. I already hate myself, and the only thing that keeps me going right now is that my children still need their mother, however imperfect she was as a spouse. I've been married to husband for 13 years. Last year I met and fell in love with OM (who was single) and within 3 weeks of meeting him I told my H that I had met someone else and wanted a separation (but still living under the same roof), while I find a job and can afford to move out. My H was shocked and became depressed and suicidal. He wanted me to stay with him and to work on saving our marriage. My heart was too far gone, and I had too much anger from H neglecting me during our time, so I refused to work on fixing things. 2 weeks after I admitted having someone else, my H asked gave me an ultimatum, to stay and work on our relationship, or to leave the home because it was unbearable for him to see me around the house and not have his affection returned. I felt so guilty for all the hurt I was causing him and I wanted him to get better, so I agreed to leave the home. I did not want my 2 children to leave the familiarity of their home and to disrupt their routine any further, so I didn't take them with me. That time away from my children was the darkest time of my life. I went to live with my brother-in-law, because my extended family live abroad and I had no friends to go to (I have generalised anxiety, and that added to my H's not social nature, I had no friends nor network to rely on. Because of the anxiety, I hadn't worked either and had been a stay-at-home mum for more than 10 years. The plan was that I could stay at my brother-in-law for 4 weeks until I find a job and can move out. A week after I moved out, H brings my children to visit me and tells me that he wants full custody of the children. I was devastated. I didn't work, so I had no money to pay for a solicitor. However I found access to a free short legal advice session. The solicitor there advised me that my husband could not evict me from the family home and that I should stay with my children if I wanted to be able to keep them. In UK law, infidelity does not impact on child custody, but the child's status quo does. So I went back to live at home and look after my children. From then on, the fear of losing my children, and even the idea of sharing them 50% was unbearable to me, so I accepted to have marriage counselling. I agreed to stop contact with OM while I stay home and look for a job to move out. OM but he did not like my decision to go back and to go no contact, said (understandably) that I used him and that I strung him along. He wanted us to stay in touch so I agreed to secretly send short text messages and updates on the marriage therapy. That lasted 4 weeks until I realised this situation was hurting him and the only solution to stop him from hurting was to break-up completely. OM became aggressive and made threats. He seemed out of control. I became scared and that was enough for me to maintain strict no contact. I did not want to set him off again by showing even the slightest sign. So that was in March. We only went to one session of marriage counselling because H said he did not like the counsellor, and that the counsellor didn't seem to want to fix our marriage. I wanted to make sense of what happened, so I read books, read online, watched videos on Youtube. I thought I was making progress, when 4 months later, in August, I found out H had an affair with an old flame. A woman from his home country who had always been infatuated with him, but whom he had never considered before. He had been in touch with her since before my affair began, and she was supporting him emotionally through the difficulties of our relationship. They chatted online. She professed undying love to him and he recovered from the depression my cheating got him into. In August, he took a long holiday, flew back to his home country and had sex with her. She is married with 4 children. She made plans for the future so she could leave her husband and so they could get together in an "acceptable" manner, and be welcome by their families. He said he'll come back to me, pretend he will stay with me but secretly love her. I know all that because I read it all. I also saved all the messages. I didn't say anything at the time to stop him, because I thought I deserved this. I felt guilty, and thought that my cheating destroyed him, but the love of this woman has healed him. So I was grateful to her. I was stunned though that he didn't think twice of lying to that extent, and at every "log" I was waiting to see the H I used to know, the H with principles, the one who will say "Stop, I can't do this". But no. He enjoyed himself all right. I read everything unfold at a distance. Me at home with the children. Him, in a far away country, with his OMW. But who was I to stop him, to lecture him, when I was the first one who cheated? I felt it was it was the punishment I deserved. I became depressed and very anxious. I didn't sleep, I barely ate and if I did, I had diarrhea. When he came back home, I try to pretend I didn't know. He smiled, he was happy. But after a week, I couldn't pretend anymore. I confronted him. He became aggressive although he did not touch me physically, he lost his temper in a way I had never seen before. I've had to call the police. Since then, we've talked about it several times. It always resulted in very heated arguments. I'm going to pass quickly on some other details of my the story here. But he says he would have never started an affair with her if I hadn't cheated first. I think it is a fair point, in that none of this would have happened if I hadn't strayed first. But now I'm not so sure that I am totally responsible for him maintaining a relationship with the wife of another man (I found evidence they are still in touch). The guilt has been eating at me since August of last year, but now I'm sort of not accepting the idea anymore. Edited February 20, 2020 by quagmire2020 Changed "He" with "Husband"
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 Marriages can and do recover from your exactly story. I've heard it a few times. Ya'll have to figure that out thought and put the past behind you. That's so much easier said than done. You and your husband are what's considered mad hatters now meaning you both cheated and have been cheated on. You mentioned your kids are what's important to you. You still struggle with the idea of 50/50 custody? The old husband you knew was killed by your betrayal. He is probably not coming back unless you two figure out how to mend things and that's going to be a heck of a feat. It's not going to happen while he's carrying on with that other woman. What do you want to happen?
Fletch Lives Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 1 hour ago, quagmire2020 said: But he says he would have never started an affair with her if I hadn't cheated first. I think it is a fair point, in that none of this would have happened if I hadn't strayed first. But now I'm not so sure that I am totally responsible for him maintaining a relationship with the wife of another man (I found evidence they are still in touch). - Yes, this is exactly what happened. It's called a revenge cheat. It's one of the top two reasons people cheat. I'm sorry about all you have been through.
schlumpy Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 You started out fairly well. You fell in love with someone else (it happens) and was honorably upfront with your husband about it. He did exactly what he should have done and asked you to leave. Why didn't you move in with your lover? Why your brother-in-law? Then a solicitor advises you move back home and you do. You agree to marriage counseling. Why? You are in love with someone who is available. Why are trying to save your marriage instead of easing out of it? Why is the OM being pushed into the background. You love him! He's the only one in the whole post that you declare love for. You certainly did not express affection for your husband. I only sensed duty. Your husband in an emotional haze hooks up with a former girlfriend probably to restore his self esteem and maybe get some revenge. She loves him more than you apparently if one can believe words. Then you start rationalizing that you deserved it for what you did. I thought, "OK, this is your out." I expected you to encourage the relationship so he would agree to divorce and instead you confront him like you still give a damn. This is very confusing. I think that you need to do individual counseling until you can understand why this happened and what it was you hoped to gain. In my humble opinion you did this to get your husbands attention and you got it. What are you going to do with it? 2
elaine567 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 7 hours ago, quagmire2020 said: He had been in touch with her since before my affair began, and she was supporting him emotionally through the difficulties of our relationship. They chatted online. She professed undying love to him So he was the one who"stepped out" first.
pepperbird Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 op, Instead of trying to figure out who's to blame, why not spend that mental energy on finding a way forward that works for your kids? Fins an arbitrator or someone else who can sit down with your and your husband and find practical, actionable ways to move past this. I don;t know that that will look like, but it can't be much worse than what you two have going on now. 1
Author quagmire2020 Posted February 20, 2020 Author Posted February 20, 2020 Thank you everyone for your replies and insights. As someone pointed out, all of this is very confusing and I am trying hard to make sense of things as well. Your thoughts and suggestions are invaluable help, as is reading other threads. 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: So he was the one who"stepped out" first. As much as I wish I wasn't the only culprit, apparently no, he says he wasn't romantic with her at the time. She contacted him first "as friends". 2 hours ago, pepperbird said: op, Instead of trying to figure out who's to blame, why not spend that mental energy on finding a way forward that works for your kids? Find an arbitrator or someone else who can sit down with your and your husband and find practical, actionable ways to move past this. I don;t know that that will look like, but it can't be much worse than what you two have going on now. You're right, we need to get on with the legal stuff. What gets on my nerves is that he is the only one who at present time, and since everything started, has the means to make things go forward. He works, has a solicitor and now wants to divorce, but he won't move out, and he won't serve me the papers. He also is still wearing his ring. That fact is still confusing me. He says because I cheated first, I should be the one to move out. So I got on with finding a job, but with my small pay it's going to be difficult to find a place in the same area so the kids don't have to move schools. I tried to explain this to him, but he won't hear anything. I'd like us to at least TRY couple counselling, but he refuses, saying he's not the one who has a problem (i.e. "mental health problem" = me and my anxiety). So while it is in his powers to make things go forward, his actions show that he's not interested in doing anything. 8 hours ago, Pleasant-Sage said: You mentioned your kids are what's important to you. You still struggle with the idea of 50/50 custody? I think it's the main reason why I didn't leave. I didn't want my children to suffer because of my decision. I had no money and no job so taking them with me meant disrupting their life further and putting them in a precarious situation. It reminded me of me and my mother aimlessly wandering outside in the street because she was at the receiving end of domestic violence from her then partner. Another thing I also feared is that, at the time, H threaten to stop seeing the children. He told me that if I was to leave him, he will not want to see me nor the kids ever again (not in a mean, vengeful way, but because he felt too broken) Thinking that my actions would deprive my kids from their dad was difficult to bear. I never knew my dad, so I didn't want that for them. A year on now, I think I am slowly accepting the idea of a 50% share now. It can only be healthier for the children to be in a home free of tensions, and they deserve to see what loving parents really do. I'm slowly accepting that as long as they know mum and dad love them and will always be there for them, they should turn out ok as adults. At least, it's my hope. The Husband, who initially said he didn't have a bond with them, has now formed a loving relationship with them. So that's a positive. 8 hours ago, Pleasant-Sage said: What do you want to happen? I don't know. 7 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: I'm sorry about all you have been through. Thank you. 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: Why didn't you move in with your lover? Why your brother-in-law? Thank you for your question. It made me think. Several reasons at the time. My extended family was putting pressure on me, I felt guilty for leaving without even trying to fix the marriage and imagined my children blaming me in the future, AND I wasn't trusting OM 100% (he was pushy and I was scared when voicing my second thoughts to him because he'd get very upset/angry/intense). I didn't work and I didn't want to move in with him and depend on him financially. 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: You agree to marriage counseling. Why? You are in love with someone who is available. Why are trying to save your marriage instead of easing out of it? Why is the OM being pushed into the background. You love him! He's the only one in the whole post that you declare love for. You certainly did not express affection for your husband. I only sensed duty. At the time, I just couldn't deal with the fact that I was responsible for so much destruction. My kids, the Husband, my extended family were hurt. I couldn't accept that image of myself. I was hoping MC would magically change my mind and I'd be able to keep my children 100%. I remember my OM going mad and telling me I was selfish and a coward. I guess he was right. 1 hour ago, schlumpy said: I thought, "OK, this is your out." I expected you to encourage the relationship so he would agree to divorce and instead you confront him like you still give a damn. This is very confusing. I think that you need to do individual counseling until you can understand why this happened and what it was you hoped to gain. In my humble opinion you did this to get your husbands attention and you got it. What are you going to do with it? His affair did open my eyes to the fact that maybe I didn't want to lose him. But I also thought I may not be attached to H specifically, but rather I have a fear of abandonment. That wouldn't be surprising since my mum left me in the care of my grandmother when I was very young and I have always lived it as a rejection and an abandonment. I found a job and I'm starting soon, which given my anxiety is no mean feat. I hope to be able to afford IC then, because yes you're right I am a right mess. Thank you so much for your help and input, and everyone else. I really appreciate! 1
vla1120 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 Quagmire, is it a possibility that you and your husband could find an affordable apartment in your children's school district and the two of you could switch going between the house and the apartment with one another to keep your children in their home? I've seen many more instances lately where separated/divorced couples do this so that the children have minimal disruptions in their lives as a result of the separation/divorce. I think it is an ideal situation. Besides that, I don't think you and your husband really gave 100% effort toward finding a marriage counselor and giving the marriage a second chance. Is it possible that the two of you might want to explore that avenue again and see if you can find a counselor that works for both of you? If not, at the very least, I believe you should seek counseling. You're dealing with quite a bit of guilt and confusion regarding what you want. It doesn't sound like your OM is in the picture anymore? If he had such an adverse reaction to you giving your marriage another try and you found yourself fearful of him, then it is better that he is out of the picture. Right now, you and your husband should concentrate on what is best for your children in the long run and you should seek individual counseling to help you navigate the situation. 1
2BGoodAgain Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 your betrayal of your vows to your husband is on you. your choice. your fault. but your hubs choice to return it or have his own affair is his fault, and his choice. for him to say you were the reason he cheated, is a rationalization of him cheating. it's the same as excusing a person for cheating on their marriage b/c the marriage is bad, or abusive or (place why marriage is bad to excuse your cheating here). See the logic? I believe you've come to the point of accepting your role and your choice, but your husband also has to come around and see that his choice was his own, and not to blame you for it. Until then, your marriage can't be repaired. as for the OM, he's just going thru the emotional throes of someone who thought you were in the same boat with him, but if you had explained to him the situation, he should be more understanding as well.... it makes me question his level of security and his level of love for you.... in which case, even if your hub hadn't reacted the way he did, i don't know if you & the AP would have worked out, long term. just a thought.
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