What are red flags to look out for while dating?

[CloudyHead]

Comments about sex (if you're only looking for a hook-up then it's fair game);  bad-mouthing former spouses/partners/girlfriends;  staying on his phone;  poor/non-existent relationships with his children/parents/family members;  living with his parents;  love-bombing;  drinks too much;  uses drugs;  clingy;  lack of accountability or responsibility;  talks about himself too much - mind you, I'm in my early 50's so this list is from my perspective.  

 

[kendahke]

1. What they say and what they do are polar opposites

2. Love bombing---telling you they love you on the first date, wanting to move in by the 3rd date

3. Drug/Alcohol/Gambling rhetoric begins creeping into your conversations, either direct or overheard

4. Friends interfere and they don't check them (male or female)

5. Attention waning demonstrated by lapses in time between contact, through phone calls or texts

6. quick to argue/negging/being disagreeable for no reason/moodiness

7. quick to discount your feelings/observations

8. Parents/family dysfunction manifesting as unreasonably controlling behavior (mama's boy/daddy's girl)

9. Giving intimate space to others at the same time they're supposed to be in an exclusive/committed relationship with you

10. Hygiene is sketchy a.f./they don't bathe, brush teeth, keep up their appearances

If anything else comes to mind, I'll add on to the list. 

[Fletch Lives]

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For me a red flag would be a guy who doesn’t communicate in between dates. I don’t mean constant communication but some texting back and forward or a phone call every now and again wouldn’t go  a miss. I feel no communication is a big sign they don’t really care. 

 - not necessarily. Some people wait for the next date to talk.

Quote

she tries to directly or indirectly estimate how much money you make.  she may ask about your job or ask about what type of car you drive or what area of town you live in

 - so what? Women like money, but it does not mean she's a hard core goldigger. Just give her basic answers.... "I drive a compact"........"I live 5 miles away". Unless you are rich, you don't have to worry about golddiggers - real ones will disappear quick.

There are over a hundred possible red flags. Listen to your gut/intuition. If something confuses you, that means it's not a match.

[HappySenior]

Red flags I saw but didn't listen to

Aggressive driving resulting from anger issues - almost got us run off the road
No interest in your activities or hobbies at all
Love bombing early in the relationship - I was invited to go to Europe (did go, but it was not the romantic experience I hoped for)
and one I hadn't thought of prior, but am aware of now.
No hobbies or pastimes of his own (this means he will resort to watching a lot of tv in retirement or rely on you to entertain him
Increased expectations once he has you hooked.
Cook for him at his house sometime - if he micromanages (or corrects) you, that's a red flag.
 

[Lotsgoingon]

Great tips so far.

I will go the other way ... my biggest red flag has to do with me, not them. If I'm feeling insecure, red flag. If I'm not feeling deeply appreciated, red flag. If I think I'm working hard in the relationship (in the first six to nine months), red flag. Oh ... if I'm  afraid to speak my mind frankly on ANY subject, that's generally a red flag.

Also ANYTHING that strikes me as odd in the other person's behavior is a yellow flag. Anything. I don't have to have a reason. If I have a visceral reaction of "that was weird," that is a bookmark I put in my brain. And I stay alert for if the behavior raises its ugly head again. Sometimes you can just to overly critical conclusions. That's why for me, the yellow flags are there to just see if they occur again. If they do, they can become red flags.

But anything that does not make you feel great is a red flag. The only person who matters here is you ... your red flags might be different than mine. Basically you want to do little compromising in the first six months ... you want someone that more easily aligns with you and your life. Compromising early on--and being aware that you are compromising--is usually a red flag. 

 

 

 

 

 

[2BGoodAgain]

1) any talks about the ex

2) any lies - it's more of a yellow flag.... it depends on what the lie is about, and how often. some are habitual liars.

3) bragging about a character trait - a truly honest person, doesn't need to tell anyone they're honest. True for any other character traits, wealth, etc. They just ARE who they are, they don't need to flaunt it, or brag about it, or make it known....

[d0nnivain]

Just now, Lotsgoingon said:

 Basically you want to do little compromising in the first six months ... you want someone that more easily aligns with you and your life. Compromising early on--and being aware that you are compromising--is usually a red flag. 

I think compromise & flexibility are good things but you can't compromise your core values.  

I prefer high end restaurants.  They didn't used to be my husband's favorite but he compromised & went to them occasionally because I liked them.  He hates football but agreed to go to a game when my favorite team was playing.  He's bit of an introvert who doesn't often initiate conversations, I had to get used to more silence.  In all candor DH compromised way more then I did but only because I had more going on.   We joke all the time that he became a [my last name] way more then I became a [his last name] 

In other relationships I compromised.  I don't like fishing but I went fishing all the time with one EX.   I also don't like hunting but I compromised & put on blinders to another's beloved hobby which wasn't always easy when he was getting out of bed at 3:30 a.m. on a cold autumn morning to go sit in some tree stand before sunrise.  He did compromise & not bring dead animals back to my house; everything showed up in butcher paper. 

I suppose for some hunting / fishing would have been deal breakers which are different the red flags.  the deal breakers can be things that are inherently fine (vegan v carnivore; political affiliation; religion (not zealots) but they render the two people incompatible.  

[Fletch Lives]

11 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said:

1) any talks about the ex

The others are good, but this one.......it's okay to talk a little about exs on a first date. 

A red flag would be somebody who's not over their ex and still mad at them, or talks incessantly about them...that's suggest somebody on the rebound.

[2BGoodAgain]

4 minutes ago, Fletch Lives said:

The others are good, but this one.......it's okay to talk a little about exs on a first date. 

A red flag would be somebody who's not over their ex and still mad at them, or talks incessantly about them...that's suggest somebody on the rebound.

it's okay to bring it up, if you're the one who is curious about the other's past relationships. it gives GREAT insight in terms of how self aware the person is, not that he/she is perfect or anything, but what's more important is how they react to the end of those past relationships and their conclusions.

but if they bring it up... instant RED FLAG. or once you bring it up, they don't stop.. on and on and on... 

Edited February 20, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain

[Fletch Lives]

I always bring it up - I want to know if they are single, if they are on the rebound, or have a stalker ex hiding behind a tree - that's really important stuff.

Edited February 20, 2020 by Fletch Lives

[smackie9]

It's about expectations...if they don't fulfill your expectations, And this can even be seen during the first message or first date, you stop yourself from "Giving them the benefit of a doubt" or "see if they improve or see where it goes". Nope, don't bother with them.

Also first impressions do count. If they don't go out of their way to be kind, attentive, and a gentleman, showing up dressed nicely, etc, then don't waste your time. Stop chasing!

[rjc149]

1. “Live out loud” social media user, especially if many of the posted photos are selfies. Indicates shallowness, need for external validation and self-absorption.

2. Won’t offer to at least split the bar tab or  dinner bill by the 3rd date. Asks, directly or indirectly, how much money you make. She needs a caretaker and/or is a gold digger. 

3. Boasts about any positive character trait of hers. She’s insecure and usually profoundly self-centered.

4. Daddy issues. Her resentment for dad will be her resentment for you.

5. Divorced before 35 (obvious exceptions— physically abusive, substance-addicted, or unfaithful husband). Makes monumental legal and life decisions based purely on emotion, and isn’t strong enough to stand by them. Doesn’t take things seriously.

6. Admits to, or you know of, any past infidelity. The only red flag on this list which is also a deal-breaker for a committed relationship prospect. Fundamental lack of respect for romantic relationships, goes into relationships to have, not give.

 

Edited February 21, 2020 by rjc149

[preraph]

On 2/20/2020 at 12:18 PM, smackie9 said:

It's about expectations...if they don't fulfill your expectations, And this can even be seen during the first message or first date, you stop yourself from "Giving them the benefit of a doubt" or "see if they improve or see where it goes". Nope, don't bother with them.

Also first impressions do count. If they don't go out of their way to be kind, attentive, and a gentleman, showing up dressed nicely, etc, then don't waste your time. Stop chasing!

Agree!  And remember, they are on their best behavior on the first few dates and you haven't seen who they would be on a daily basis yet and won't until you have seen them when you're ill or they're ill, when they have adverse circumstances such as car breaks down (or yours does) or lose their job or aren't getting their way in your relationship.  You don't know the person until you have gone through bad times with them.  The longer you know the person, that is the most authentic version of him/her, not the one you see on the first few dates.  So if they aren't even good on the first few dates, they're only going to go downhill.  You're not going to change them.  That's them trying to look like a prize and impress you.  Love doesn't change the person they are.  

[spiderowl]

It’s important to know who you are dealing with. Some will lie. They may be married, cheating, in several relationships. Do not take everything on face value based on what they say, unless you have met through friends who know this person. 

Being controlling can come across at first as ‘interested’ or ‘loving’ but there is a difference. Checking that you are doing what you say is a worrying sign, finding out info you’ve never given them, such as your workplace, home address, is a bit stalkerish. Love bombing is unrealistic and is probably done to manipulate or because the person is controlling. 

Being overly careful with money. You need some generosity of spirit on both sides. It depends whether he’s managing on v little due to a low income or if he has a mean personality. There is a huge difference. 

Strict religious or moral views can be a red flag. They can mean a rigidity of thinking where ‘rules’ will always come before normal human empathy. 

Being rude, insulting, thoughtless, unhelpful, cruel. Big red flags. Talk about sexual things above all else. Any hint of suggestions that you are ‘abnormal’ for not going along with what he wants. 

Needless to say, signs of anger or abuse should be taken very seriously. People with anger problems don’t suddenly stop having them. If he pushes you, throws something, smashes something or hits you in a temper, then do not listen to excuses or apologies, just get out of the relationship.

If he is often unavailable outside normal working hours, ask yourself why? Could be married, having an affair, multidating. Honesty matters. A guy who likes you will want to be in touch regularly and probably at least once a day.

You should feel relaxed, secure, cared for, loved and supported. If you are not feeling like this, remember to ask yourself why.

Edited February 22, 2020 by spiderowl

[K.K.]

Being secretive- When you’re in the early stages of getting to know them and they tell you that they’re doing one thing (at the store, walking their dog etc.) but you catch them doing something else entirely that they omitted. If they lie in the beginning for no reason whatsoever over something innocent, they’ll lie later when it counts. 

 

Using you for their own agenda- When they’re trying to put you in places where their ex will just ‘happen’ to be. Using you and causing her unnecessary stress. Especially if you’re not even dating but just in the ‘getting to know you’ stage. Or not even. 

 

Lovebombing- Yes, when they lovebomb. Substituting you for someone else like you’re a paper doll. When they say I love you way too early and talk of a future way too soon. It’s creepy and a huge red flag. You can be sure they will kick you off that pedestal just as quickly as they put you on. 

 

Intolerance- When they don’t share the same interests. No, they don’t have to share all of your interests but if they say they hate death metal and you love it, and they turn down your stereo when you’re just trying to jam and they’re bitching and rolling their eyes, these moments are going to become just plain painful. If this doesn’t matter to you, skip it. It definitely matters to me. 

 

Cheapskates- When they’re cheap. FFS sake pay your own way or help out at least. 

 

Irritating- When you find yourself overlooking some weird/ugly quirk they have. It may be all cute at first, but later it’s going to eat at you like cancer. Not sure if that’s a red flag or more of a compatibility issue. 

 

Abusive- If they hit. If they hit their dog, the wall, the dashboard of their car, or anything else when they’re angry, run away. Unless you want to be next. 

 

Crazymakers- If they try to make you jealous. Hell to the no. Think about it. They’re trying to hurt you and playing it off like they want to gage your ‘interest’. Uh uh. Red flag. I’m talking about intentionally trying to make you jealous here. Not when it just happens through no fault or their own. Or yours. 

 

Too serious, boring and lame- When they have absolutely no sense of humor. To me this is the same as being with someone that is just too stupid to figure out when you’re kidding and boring as hell. 

 

Lacking intelligence- Yes, when they’re stupid. Yuck. Who cares if they’re hot if they’re an idiot. You can’t just have sex 24 hours a day. Sooner or later you’re gonna have to talk to them. 

 

Their demons don’t play well with yours- When they have habits that don’t mesh with yours. Why bother. It’s just going to be a point of irritation. If they smoke and you don’t, move on. If they drink or do drugs and you’re on the wagon, there’s no use to try to make them quit because you don’t like it. It’ll only result in arguments. 

 

Low interest- When they leave you hanging. Texts, calls, messages, all of it. When you keep looking at your phone and they don’t even bother to text you and say Hi, they don’t care. When you text them and it goes for hours without a response. They don’t like you. I know this to be true because I do this all the time. I figure they will get the hint so I don’t have to hurt their feelings or rile them up with the truth and I don’t want to keep pretending to be interested. So yes, red flag. 

 

Rudeness- When they treat service people or others in general like crap. They’re a butthole. You can bet you’ll be next. 

 

Gaslighting- Especially at the beginning. Like when they do or say something that eats at your core values and then try to tell you that you’re small minded and try to make you feel bad and pat you on the head and chuckle like you’re too much of an idiot to know wtf you want or don’t want or what to think. 

 

Bad chemistry- When you feel your blood pressure rising more and more when they open their dumb thoughtless stupid mouth. Red Flag! 

 

Unseemly behavior- When you find out that they’ve been to jail for violent offenses or thievery. Or pretty much anything, really. I like the looks of a thug (overt masculinity, ape-ish talk, in your face sexual energy and alpha charm) but not thuggery itself. And wouldn’t go near one unless it was maybe for one night and nobody ever found out. Many women do though. I call these women - too stupid for their own good. You see them all the time on Facebook posting pics of their baby daddy doing 10 years in the pen with little heart emojis. Get some self respect. 
 

Vanity- When they feel the need to post pics of their abs or muscles on various social networks every minute of the day. They’ll always need more validation than you can give them. 
 

Like most everybody, I’ve tried to overlook many of these red flags in the name of ‘love’ but it’s always come back to bite me. 

[Wanderlust2018]

1. Extremely or highly religious. No offense to religious types, but two women I dated who were pretty religious were two of the craziest and most difficult to deal with. One of the two was on a trip with me for my uncles birthday. We’re sitting around in his living room and she comes out of the bedroom with her headphones in, watching the live video broadcast of the service at the church she attended back home. That’s just plain disrespectful and rude and was the the last trip she went on with me. 

2. Those who never once never even offer to buy me a beer or pay for say, a simple lunch. This is usually downstream as I fully expect to pay for the first three or so dates as a guy. Love this topic and there’s a ton on it in the pinned consolidated who should pay thread on here.

3. Paying TOO much attention to detail initially. One woman I dated asked me “don’t you have any credit cards?” as I was paying for one of our meals. My first thought was, none of your business and why are you paying so much attention to what “card” I pull out of my wallet? I do have credit cards, and am pretty flush with income and $, but I almost ALWAYS pay with my bank debit card because I like paying “cash” for most things, even some big ticket items. Just seemed odd to me. Btw, that same woman was living rent free in one of her parents rental properties around age 40... 

4. Needing or having to be the center of attention.

5. No drive, ambition or goals, either personally or professionally. 

6. Numerous marriages and subsequent  divorces. 

7. Treating others poorly. 

8. Never a compliment or praise. Or, making light of ones accomplishments.

9. Going out nearly every night with friends, to drink, happy hour, etc. 
 

[Wanderlust2018]

On 2/20/2020 at 9:56 AM, d0nnivain said:

I think compromise & flexibility are good things but you can't compromise your core values.  

I prefer high end restaurants.  They didn't used to be my husband's favorite but he compromised & went to them occasionally because I liked them.  He hates football but agreed to go to a game when my favorite team was playing.  He's bit of an introvert who doesn't often initiate conversations, I had to get used to more silence.  In all candor DH compromised way more then I did but only because I had more going on.   We joke all the time that he became a [my last name] way more then I became a [his last name] 

In other relationships I compromised.  I don't like fishing but I went fishing all the time with one EX.   I also don't like hunting but I compromised & put on blinders to another's beloved hobby which wasn't always easy when he was getting out of bed at 3:30 a.m. on a cold autumn morning to go sit in some tree stand before sunrise.  He did compromise & not bring dead animals back to my house; everything showed up in butcher paper. 

I suppose for some hunting / fishing would have been deal breakers which are different the red flags.  the deal breakers can be things that are inherently fine (vegan v carnivore; political affiliation; religion (not zealots) but they render the two people incompatible.  

@d0nnivain Agree on the flexibility!

Thats so cool that you adjusted to the one who enjoyed hunting. Fishing is my passion, and I know that most ladies aren’t particularly interested in it. But, I try to make it work for both. For example, if I’m going, I’ve done things like asked them to come up late morning/mid day, for a picnic on the lake, where I’ve had wine, charcuterie and other food prepared and on the boat. Those have actually been fun experiences, just cruising, talking, some good music and relaxing. I also travel to some exotic locations to vacay and fish and what woman doesn’t enjoy hanging at a nice resort, getting a mani or pedi, while I’m out on the water for a few hours!?!? Win win!

[smackie9]

2 hours ago, Wanderlust2018 said:

@d0nnivain Agree on the flexibility!

Thats so cool that you adjusted to the one who enjoyed hunting. Fishing is my passion, and I know that most ladies aren’t particularly interested in it. But, I try to make it work for both. For example, if I’m going, I’ve done things like asked them to come up late morning/mid day, for a picnic on the lake, where I’ve had wine, charcuterie and other food prepared and on the boat. Those have actually been fun experiences, just cruising, talking, some good music and relaxing. I also travel to some exotic locations to vacay and fish and what woman doesn’t enjoy hanging at a nice resort, getting a mani or pedi, while I’m out on the water for a few hours!?!? Win win!

Yes it only works if they are accepting of your hobby. I work with a guy that loves super heroes, making costumes, and doing art work like the Marvel comics. He is really talented. His wife absolutely hates it, won't let him put up one painting he did, squawks about his costume stuff/work area (which is outside in an area she can't see) thinks he is juvenile for having some action figures. I would see that as heartbreaking because that's has always been a real passion of his and she won't support it. The only appreciation he gets is from us, his coworkers. Pretty sad.

[preraph]

I'm sure if it was only a thing or two neatly displayed she probably wouldn't care as long as it wasn't in the living room. But from what I've seen of action figure and Barbie collectible type people, it completely takes over the whole house if you let it. I just never seen someone who did it in moderation. No one wants to live in a toy shop and yes it is embarrassing when someone is doing that and they're a grown-ass person. 

 

I would throw it in the same category as someone who can't stop knitting or has knickknacks everywhere except even more juvenile. 

 

That said one of my good friends who is a guy just spent a lot of time making  Bowie dolls and outfits and incorporating them into a short film with music performed by him. 

[basil67]

Your first post seems to confuse flags with dealbreakers.   A red flag is something you let slide a time or two but be wary of more incidences.  A dealbreaker is something you walk away from immediately.  

Are you wanting to discuss red flags or dealbreakers?

[littleblackheart]

Selling themselves as 'the perfect package', not admitting to any fault 

 

Not taking disagreements well / always wanting the 'last word'

 

Conveniently sharing the exact same interests you do or agreeing to everything you say in the early days - later transpires you have nothing in common

 

Having high expectations of others that they don't match themselves

 

Having low standards

 

 

[SumGuy]

Hmmm red flags, well if the thought ever crosses my mind when talking to her that she reminds me of my ex...that's a hug red flag

[HappySenior]

Multiple divorces may or may not mean anything.

First marriage at 16, still in high school. Did not want divorce; was abandoned.
Second marriage at 20, lasted three decades and only ended when he wanted to marry his AP.
Third marriage at 60, divorced at two years because of verbal abuse and negativity (his). But not until trying counseling and trying to reconcile.

Now I'm not dating at all so far. Since I met the last one through OLD, I figure it's not a good place. IF I meet anyone, it will probably be when I'm cruising with my daughter and her husband, or on a trip somewhere. Doubtful in town - I live in a low population area.

Red flags:

1.lovebombing.  It starts with "Oh we're so lucky to have found each other!" and ends with "You're totally useless!"
2. Anger issues - insulting people on the phone, getting upset over small things, aggressive driving
3. Comments like "Women are (some negative thing.) 
4. Lies about when their last relationship ended (ie. four months ago, when he was still seeing her the month before.)
5. Two many ex's leaving voice messages or emails early in dating. (And no, it doesn't mean he's desirable. It means they didn't know him well enough to know he wasn't.)

 

[Miss Spider]

Victimizes themself and doesn’t take any responsibility in any of the breakups they’ve had. My ex did this and I knew what it meant, but I overlooked it. We broke up and guess what, he’s playing the victim hard in our break up too