Blondegirl89 Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 So this is more of a question for everyone. I seem to have the awful habit of falling for guys and not seeing the red flags. Although I’m improving on it. I’d love to get peoples ideas of big no’s and what they would and wouldn’t allow while dating. I would love to hear some of ideas on what constitutes a red flag and what you would let slide one or twice. I feel this would really help not just me but a lot of people out there. For me a red flag would be a guy who doesn’t communicate in between dates. I don’t mean constant communication but some texting back and forward or a phone call every now and again wouldn’t go a miss. I feel no communication is a big sign they don’t really care.
Shanex Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 (edited) No communication in my experience means that the person is either dating someone else or the old « keeping his/her options open ». Very poor form but many folks do that these days, either gender too. Never ever buy the « I’m busy » excuse. If you’re dating. I assume you have extra time to scour tinder so you won’t fool me about it. Just to point that out before I eventually come up with a list of other « red flags » Edited February 19, 2020 by Shanex 2
preraph Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 (edited) If you are trying harder than they are, stop. See what they'll do when left on their own momentum because that'll help tell you who they are. secrets and holes in their story could mean they are married or otherwise taken. Make plans and then cancel on any kind of repeat basis. Best case scenario is they are disorganized. More likely they are sneaking around on someone and you are lower priority or they are waiting to see if a better offer comes around and you are lower priority. Everything they do is just to get you one step further to sex. They're not interested in finding out about you. They zone out when you're talking. More serious problems that come with red flags would be what people call love bombing now. if the guy is already talking about a future on your first or second date or acting jealous and possessive, run. He's sick in the head. he's only in love with someone who exists only in his imagination and is projecting that on to you. Women do this too. There are so many red flags. Edited February 19, 2020 by preraph 6
alphamale Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 if a man or woman drinks more than two (maybe three) drinks in one sitting they most likely have some issue with alcohol 1
Blind-Sided Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 for me... to start... the normal "Vices". Alcohol, (abuse) Smoking, and sign of drug use. The alcohol one is subjective. If we are just having dinner, and she drinks enough to be tipsy... that's a flag. (at a club, different story) Smoking and drugs are a hard stop Red-flag. If she needs to be the center of attention... HUGE red flag. Being needy is a big flag. FYI... right now, I have a friend who wants me to meet one of her friends, and at first I was ll for it. But as I hear her stories, I've backed off. One of them was... "She only wants to keep a man happy, and will have sex every night with him." That sounds great... but that is either going to turn into VERY needy, or a sex drive that will lead her to cheat. Poor communication, once established is an issue. A am busy a lot of the time, especially when I travel... and I don't have time to play games like that. Early on... that's subjective too. Needless to say... if I hear things like... "I don't like you", or "Don't call me again"... that's a flag to me. LOL
Erik30 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 Talking about the ex, doesn't matter if it's negative. It just means they're still thinking about them. Taking a long time to reply. I don't mind if it's a couple of hours or even the next day, but when it's more than that they're probably not that interested. Also if it seems like I'm the one who is always initiating contact. 1
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 He doesn't introduce you to the important people in his life. He doesn't try to make your life easier and better. He doesn't care about your pleasure, if you're having sex. His words and actions don't match. He doesn't try to understand your position in a disagreement. He doesn't have integrity. He is stingy with his resources when it comes to you. He has screwed people over. He doesn't apologize sincerely when he's wrong and make an effort to improve. He's has children he doesn't support both emotionally and financially. 4
salparadise Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 20 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: He doesn't try to make your life easier and better. [...] He is stingy with his resources when it comes to you. Yup, this is what it's all about... the lifestyle upgrade is the bottom line. 1
alphamale Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 she tries to directly or indirectly estimate how much money you make. she may ask about your job or ask about what type of car you drive or what area of town you live in 2
Miss Spider Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) delete !!!! Edited February 20, 2020 by Cookiesandough
Ami1uwant Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 3 hours ago, Blondegirl89 said: So this is more of a question for everyone. I seem to have the awful habit of falling for guys and not seeing the red flags. Although I’m improving on it. I’d love to get peoples ideas of big no’s and what they would and wouldn’t allow while dating. I would love to hear some of ideas on what constitutes a red flag and what you would let slide one or twice. I feel this would really help not just me but a lot of people out there. For me a red flag would be a guy who doesn’t communicate in between dates. I don’t mean constant communication but some texting back and forward or a phone call every now and again wouldn’t go a miss. I feel no communication is a big sign they don’t really care. That last ststement is not a red flag....early on in a relationship conversation is critical in success or failure in a relationship. If you talk in between dates you have nothing left to talk about. I had this happen to me many times early on in dating over 20 years ago. I’d have great conversation on the phone then meet in person and conversation wouldn’t flow well. Obvious redflags are things like is this person nuts. many red flags have more to do with personal choices limedo you agree on things like religion, having kids, having shared values, have some overlap on interests and hobbies.
MsJayne Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 Limited communication, contacts you at the last minute to arrange dates, always allows you to pay for your own dinner-coffee-whatever, never compliments you, and the biggest red flag of all....tries to get you into bed straight away. All of these shout, "self absorbed, socially inept buffoon" 2
melonmint57 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 Showering you with attention and gifts when family/friends are around to see in an effort to overcompensate for bad behavior. You should be treated with respect 100% of the time, not just for show. 2
ljwentworth32 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 2 hours ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: He doesn't introduce you to the important people in his life. He doesn't try to make your life easier and better. He doesn't care about your pleasure, if you're having sex. His words and actions don't match. He doesn't try to understand your position in a disagreement. He doesn't have integrity. He is stingy with his resources when it comes to you. He has screwed people over. He doesn't apologize sincerely when he's wrong and make an effort to improve. He's has children he doesn't support both emotionally and financially. some absolutely great ones right here. Totally agree with them - doesn't introduce you to close friends, people - doesn't care about your pleasure during sex. - and as someone else said, not present when you two are together. like emotionally distant or thinking of something else. - poor communication is also a big big red flag. communication and open communication is key. 3
ljwentworth32 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 also one more, and this is directly from my last relationship. SHE never compliments you. BIG BIG RED FLAG. 1
Andy_K Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) Cruelty to anyone, anywhere, for any reason. If someone can do that to someone else, they can do it to you. It's just a question of being in the right emotional state. Not good with animals or children Lack of respect for you or your time early in the dating process - showing up late with no apology, cancelling dates frequently, etc Jealously, insecurity - a desire to know exactly what you're doing at all times Only ever talk about themselves Edited February 20, 2020 by Andy_K 3
d0nnivain Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) The red flags are easy. Most people don't miss those: substance abuse, extensive criminal record, multiple divorces & kids from differ people, outright lying. The yellow caution flags can be difficult to spot & they are a bit more subjective. They do include poor communication, getting overly intoxicated on more then one date, secretiveness, never paying / reciprocating, rudeness, intolerance etc. Bottom line, if you "always" pick bad partners you have to recognize that you are the common denominator & work to change your pattern Edited February 20, 2020 by d0nnivain 3
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 13 hours ago, salparadise said: Yup, this is what it's all about... the lifestyle upgrade is the bottom line. You conveniently left out the rest and sound really bitter. I hope things get better for you.
d0nnivain Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 Actually GeorgiaPeach I think salparadise & alphamale are saying the same thing & it's valid. If the woman presents as a gold digger that is a red flag for men. Would you want to be with a guy who was only with you based on what you could buy him? So to blondegirl89's original Q, while are there are things she should look for to help her determine if she has found a quality man, she needs to make sure she is not being a bad potential partner on her end. 3
Gaeta Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) You need advice at what phase of dating? The red flags on the 3 first dates aren't the same as the red flags on month 9 of dating or year 5 of dating. First phase of dating red flags * Recently single * Wants a home date for 1st or 2nd date * Talks bad about his ex(s) * Shower me with compliments * Makes sexual innuendos. Second phase of dating - 3 months + * Doesn't want to introduce me to his friends/family/colleagues * Shows disrespect or impatience in anyway * Is secretive * Maintains inappropriate friendship or contact with other women * Unwillingness to compromise * Substance abuse of any sort * Irresponsible with his children Edited February 20, 2020 by Gaeta 2
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) 58 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: Actually GeorgiaPeach I think salparadise & alphamale are saying the same thing & it's valid. If the woman presents as a gold digger that is a red flag for men. Would you want to be with a guy who was only with you based on what you could buy him? So to blondegirl89's original Q, while are there are things she should look for to help her determine if she has found a quality man, she needs to make sure she is not being a bad potential partner on her end. I never said being a gold digger was acceptable. Edited February 20, 2020 by GeorgiaPeach1 1
d0nnivain Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 16 minutes ago, GeorgiaPeach1 said: I never said being a gold digger was acceptable. I didn't think you did. I was just pointing out that gold digging was a red flag for some other posters.
alphamale Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 4 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I was just pointing out that gold digging was a red flag for some other posters. it's a HUGE red flag for me
GeorgiaPeach1 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 34 minutes ago, d0nnivain said: I didn't think you did. I was just pointing out that gold digging was a red flag for some other posters. What exactly do you define as gold digging? 2
d0nnivain Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 Just now, GeorgiaPeach1 said: What exactly do you define as gold digging? I didn't define the term. sal said it was women who were looking to him to provide a lifestyle upgrade. I would agree that is gold digging. alpha talked about women who fish around for info about man's net worth asking what he does & what kind of car he drives. I would submit that you have to look at the source for those topics. I'm a licensed professional who owns my own business & drives a high end sports car. If I'm asking a man Qs about his employment & lifestyle I want to make sure he can keep up; I'm not looking to see if he can provide my lifestyle to me. Although I like & expect nice things my husband says I'm not high maintenance because I don't expect a man to give me things; if I want something I will just go get it. He's right & wrong. . . I always prefer nice jewelry better as a gift then stuff I buy myself. Then again I wanted & got a $20 rhinestone cuff bracelet for Valentine's day. 1
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