nivanlave Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 Hi guys, So, I'm seeing this guy for couple of months. We actually have never went on a date yet. Simply because he has to flight back to the US for holiday and business. We started talking since November 2019 until now. We hit it off real quick. Got good chemistry there. However, .... But for the past couple of weeks, I can feel that he's pulling himself away from me. He's distancing himself, we talk less than before, even when I started the conversation, it went from "hi" - after hours and hours to "gnight" without any messages exchanged. Sometime he ghosted for a day to days then came back like nothing happened. I told him that I feel like he's been so distant lately, he replied saying that I know the gist of it and he was expecting I'd be more understanding, since he just started his new job in the US (mid Jan), "a bit depressed having to actually go to work again" (he worked remotely since like .. forever?! so he has time to travel a lot) and with the big lifestyle change ... So that, I actually pulled back as well. I gave him space, time. I didnt text him unless he texts me first, sometimes I'd check in to see if he's okay but ... he would take hours to reply. Most of ours conversation now are less 10 messages. But I do realize that he still have time to go online, play games, or if he's talking to someone else ... I honestly don't know. I'm not even sure if he's seeing someone else or not. I just don't know anymore where this is going and what i'm getting myself into. I was completely breakdown when I know he actually went online but decided not talking to me. He has weekends off + public holiday but still .. I don't hear anything from him. I didn't bring this topic to talk to him yet, simply I was afraid it'd push him even further away. But it bothers me so so much I just dont know if I should give him more time and space because it has been a month, since he started to distant himself. Hope you guys can advise me what to do. Thank you a bunch in advance!
ExpatInItaly Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 Have you ever met him in person? I realize you haven't been on a date with him, but it's not clear if you already knew him or if this has purely been an online friendship. How far away are you from each other? At any rate, he doesn't sound interested in keeping this going. I would start looking elsewhere for men to date. 1 1
Legatus Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 If it bothers you, you should say it. Believe me, nothing good will come out of bottling things like that. You will just build resentment and expect him to do things you want him to do while he's doing everything else. It's great that you raised it once. His response says a lot about him. You say you feel like he's getting distant and he couldn't even acknowledge your worries but went straight into guilt tripping you into being more understanding. Doesn't work like that. Had he told you what was going on I am sure you would have given him space but, at the same time, be calm, whereas his lack of communication caused exactly opposite. Now you're afraid to take care of yourself because he will pull away. I know that feeling. Remember we can't keep people that don't want to be near us, so stop putting all your energy into this. He needs to show effort just as much as you do. It's time for you to distance yourself, deal with the loss, and start seeing people, who will make you priority in their lives.. 1
Author nivanlave Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 2 minutes ago, S2B said: Start dating a guy who will take you OUT on dates a few times a week. this is texting dating and it’s not reality. he’s not that interested! If he was he would make every effort to see you often - heck, he won’t even make it a priority to text you - that takes three seconds! it’s not going to work with this guy. We're pretty much in long distance dating ... I'm living in a country 15 hours ahead of him. He did mention few times about flying back here to see me and to take a break from work. But it has been cancelled twice. And the reason is because of the outbreak virus, I cant argue with that tbh.
Author nivanlave Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 4 minutes ago, ExpatInItaly said: Have you ever met him in person? I realize you haven't been on a date with him, but it's not clear if you already knew him or if this has purely been an online friendship. How far away are you from each other? At any rate, he doesn't sound interested in keeping this going. I would start looking elsewhere for men to date. We haven't met in person tbh. I live in different country which is 15 hours ahead from him. Like I told ExpatInItaly below; 3 minutes ago, nivanlave said: He did mention few times about flying back here to see me and to take a break from work. But it has been cancelled twice. And the reason is because of the outbreak virus, I cant argue with that tbh.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 Just now, nivanlave said: We haven't met in person tbh. I live in different country which is 15 hours ahead from him. Then this is not a relationship. You need to let him go. 4
Author nivanlave Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 10 minutes ago, Legatus said: If it bothers you, you should say it. Believe me, nothing good will come out of bottling things like that. You will just build resentment and expect him to do things you want him to do while he's doing everything else. It's great that you raised it once. His response says a lot about him. You say you feel like he's getting distant and he couldn't even acknowledge your worries but went straight into guilt tripping you into being more understanding. Doesn't work like that. Had he told you what was going on I am sure you would have given him space but, at the same time, be calm, whereas his lack of communication caused exactly opposite. Now you're afraid to take care of yourself because he will pull away. I know that feeling. Remember we can't keep people that don't want to be near us, so stop putting all your energy into this. He needs to show effort just as much as you do. It's time for you to distance yourself, deal with the loss, and start seeing people, who will make you priority in their lives.. Thanks for that The reason I haven't mentioned again because I know he would turn this around and make me feel like I'm overreacting and not putting myself in his shoes. And for some reasons, I just don't have the gut to tell him. I even feel guilty when I started talking to other guys, really. Not sure if this is one kind of emotional manipulate.
dramallama Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 If you've never met and live in different countries with a 15 hour time difference between you, then I'd suggest reality has hit home, especially if he's now going into an office with people and perhaps living a less solitary life. You're penfriends with little potential for meeting in person right now. What's the point of either of you trying to become emotionally invested? I'd recommend finding yourself someone local without so many barriers to having a relationship. 6 1
Aus Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 you do not know this person! please cut yourself off from this situationship immediately and refrain from wasting more time and energy on this. it will never go anywhere. You are invested in this and it makes me wonder what this person is representing to you, because this has nothing to do with him, he is not a three dimensional figure, only a symbol of something missing in your life. Do you not want to be where you are? are you not capable of forming relationships with local guys? Please contemplate what this person is supposed to save you from as he represents an emotional getaway car, The onus is on you to figure out what it is. I do not mean to sounds harsh, but this is something I used to do, seeking out men from faraway to get away from where I am. The problem is that everywhere you go, there you are. 3 1
Miss Spider Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) I think he’s lost interest, but who can blame him? It’s been almost 3 months and nothing has happened. You haven’t been ‘seeing him’ , sorry. You guys are pen pals. I don’t understand why someone would pursue someone online who lives 15 hrs away Edited February 18, 2020 by Cookiesandough 3
girlinNYC Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 It seems he's pulling away. More than likely he's noticed the realities of the relationship (your time and distance from one another) and has figured it's not viable to invest a great deal into something that is basically intangible. I would put yourself back out there and associate with guys within your city so you can actually go on physical dates. There's only so much bonding you can do from behind a screen, the biggest foundation of emotional intimacy can only occur in person. 2
Fletch Lives Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 If you can't meet someone within a few weeks you are being catfished. 5
Gaeta Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 It's going nowhere. Years ago I was once caught in an online love like this, both in different countries. It lasted an entire year and 5 times he cancelled his trip to see me, I suggested I fly to him many times and he'd refuse. Finally after a year he started to feel the pressure of meeting and he blocked me. It was like someone had cut my heart out. I was totally addicted to him and our daily calls. I cried every day for the first month, then I cried a little less, and a little less. It's on top of my list of 'the things that hurt me the most'. It will be hard but you have to cut him loose and go on with your life. He will never make that trip, you will never be together. He 'virtually' seduced you because at the time it felt good to him, you were probably filling a void in his life. Now he's lost interest and he's chasing something else. Have some pride. Do not ask him for anything, you'll get nothing, and move on with your life. 5
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 12 hours ago, nivanlave said: Thanks for that The reason I haven't mentioned again because I know he would turn this around and make me feel like I'm overreacting and not putting myself in his shoes. And for some reasons, I just don't have the gut to tell him. I even feel guilty when I started talking to other guys, really. Not sure if this is one kind of emotional manipulate. Big red flag....and if you are afraid you will be pushing him away, then it's getting clear he's not all that serious with you if he does. A good relationship is one of confidence. If you have to gather advice, afraid to say anything to him, or your questions get diverted, guilt you for saying, then it's not good. 3
chillii Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 14 hours ago, nivanlave said: Thanks for that The reason I haven't mentioned again because I know he would turn this around and make me feel like I'm overreacting and not putting myself in his shoes. And for some reasons, I just don't have the gut to tell him. I even feel guilty when I started talking to other guys, really. Not sure if this is one kind of emotional manipulate. Well it's only natural to feel guilty if you talk to other people , that's ok and smart too, you just do what's right for you. But you do need to know what is happening with him though because yeah sorry to say but he does sound like he's lost interest and given up on you guys. 1
hippychick3 Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) 8 hours ago, Gaeta said: It's going nowhere. Years ago I was once caught in an online love like this, both in different countries. It lasted an entire year and 5 times he cancelled his trip to see me, I suggested I fly to him many times and he'd refuse. Finally after a year he started to feel the pressure of meeting and he blocked me. It was like someone had cut my heart out. I was totally addicted to him and our daily calls. I cried every day for the first month, then I cried a little less, and a little less. It's on top of my list of 'the things that hurt me the most'. I, too, was in one of these kind of "relationships" many many years ago. We texted, talked, and Face timed daily. It was very intense and also lasted about a year and ended with ghosting when I was able to meet up for real. I dated others during that time so although I was very attached, I was able to move on to someone else shortly after. It did take me months to truly get over him though. He ended up reaching out to me many times after I had moved on asking for another chance and desperate to meet up. I was totally over him by then and can't even believe now I was ever attached to a person I never met. He isn't even a blip on my radar anymore. OP, this is going absolutely nowhere. This is a situation you need to get yourself out of right now. He is moving on, and you should too. You need to meet and date people in person. Dating online is NOT dating. Edited February 18, 2020 by hippychick3 3
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 (edited) OP, had you at least had a video-call with this person, where you could actually see and hear him live? Edited February 19, 2020 by ExpatInItaly
Author nivanlave Posted February 19, 2020 Author Posted February 19, 2020 2 hours ago, S2B said: Did you ever send him money? Did he ask? and OP, has this guy you’ve been communicating with ever asked you for money? Oh no absolutely not. As he told me he looks like a business man.
Author nivanlave Posted February 19, 2020 Author Posted February 19, 2020 1 hour ago, ExpatInItaly said: OP, had you at least had a video-call with this person, where you could actually see and hear him live? We did call but not video call and it's not daily. Texting has been the main communication between us.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 2 hours ago, nivanlave said: We did call but not video call and it's not daily. Texting has been the main communication between us. So you don’t even know for sure what this person looks like? 1
JTSW Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 2 hours ago, nivanlave said: As he told me he looks like a business man. So you don't even know what he looks like? And you both live at opposite ends of the earth? What are you doing? Why are you wasting your time with this? You have no idea who you are actually talking to. You've heard of catfishing right? 1
Hopeful30 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 Pulling away or losing interest... what's the difference? 1
Gaeta Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 On 2/19/2020 at 1:12 AM, S2B said: Did you ever send him money? Did he ask? No never. We never spoke about money. He was American and working, not from a poor country.
Redhead14 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 Be very, very careful with this. Do not send money or give any personal information out. If you send money, especially out of the country, you could be helping a terrorist group and subject to Homeland Security surveillance/investigation. If I were you, I'd back away from this situation quickly. Get a different cell number too. I'm sorry that you're struggling. You must be very lonely to be allowing yourself to get so entrenched in this "relationship". This is not a relationship and will drain you mentally and emotionally if you don't back away from it now. Find something more real and tangible for yourself. Join a church group, a club of some sort, anything else but this kind of thing. 1
Author nivanlave Posted February 21, 2020 Author Posted February 21, 2020 On 2/19/2020 at 6:29 PM, ExpatInItaly said: So you don’t even know for sure what this person looks like? On 2/19/2020 at 7:04 PM, JTSW said: So you don't even know what he looks like? And you both live at opposite ends of the earth? What are you doing? Why are you wasting your time with this? You have no idea who you are actually talking to. You've heard of catfishing right? I know how he looks like. I mean we're just not yet meet in person. Guys, it was all started with online dating. We hit it off. I thought it would go somewhere but then for the past few weeks he started acting like he's pulling away. I know there are a lot of things going on with him but then at the same time I also question if it's the only reason. I'm not that insane to talk to someone I dont even know.
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