chillii Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 (edited) But didn't you read the drive time , ex is 2hours away he picks up his kids and goes back to his place. At any rate , l'm not saying the guy is legit for op, but l'm not too sure yet about all the daggers flying about here either, he was willing to talk about it though but there's just not enough to go on, particularly in detail about just how the ex has been over the 9 yrs. But l'd still say he has no interest in ex it looks more about keeping peace and trying to work together for the kids. And l'd still say not mentioning op in 6mths yet , is nothing, 6 mths with someone new is nothing. l was with my gf 3yrs and ex didn't know. l didn't mention her to my daughter until about 8 or 9 mths either , even though she sorta knew anyway and l figured d told ex anyway but she hadn't , and l understand why. But as far as me telling ex, what's to tell it's none of her damn business wtf would l be reporting my love life to ex. Edited February 19, 2020 by chillii 1
kendahke Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 4 hours ago, chillii said: But didn't you read the drive time , ex is 2hours away he picks up his kids and goes back to his place. So he says... She wouldn't know if that's the case because he vaporizes; and she's not driving by his place to see if his car is in the driveway and the house looks occupied--I understand why she doesn't but is it better to torture one's self with unanswered questions? He doesn't call on the trip up there and he doesn't call on the trip home after he's dropped these teenagers off with their mom. 4 hours of driving by himself and no calls. 5
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 20, 2020 Author Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) I'm sorry, I meant to come reply sooner, but work was so busy and I came to his house after work. He is painting downstairs now. 14 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: Please stick up for yourself op. He’s walking all over you. And just because he has children and you don’t, it doesn’t make his needs more important that yours. Nor does it give him the green light to treat you exactly as he pleases. ***Calmandfocused....this 1000%. I so agree with this, I'm just not sure in what way to stick up for myself. I've already brought up the fact that I don't appreciate being hidden, but at the same time, I can't force him to tell his kids about me when he is not ready. I was thinking maybe I can tell him I don't expect to be introduced yet, but at least they should be aware he is dating someone?? 13 hours ago, Gaeta said: Yes it's possible but it depends for what circumstances. My ex-h and I were in excellent terms, we both moved on with our lives and there were no blurred lines between us. We attended together important milestones of our daughter's life like her High School graduation. We also were together as parents when she had an elbow reconstructive surgery. Did we meet to talk about regular life issues? never! birthday's? no. His children are way passed the age of having divorced mom & dad together for their b'day. At 14 and up they want parties with their friends. What is this man dating history? I'm not sure if it's possible to have a totally civil co-parenting situation. I don't know what's reality and what's not because I'm not a parent. They were never married btw. Gaeta, I mentioned before about his dating history that when I have asked about past relationships, he had said that he didn't think it was healthy to talk about exes, which one of my close friends also told me. I believe that it helps to understand what makes the person who they are today...I don't have problems talking about past relationships, but maybe it's not healthy? I still tried to push answers out of him. I asked what the longest relationship was, he said "almost a year". Is that a red flag??? The past 3 relationships I've have been 10 years, 6 months, 5 years.... Edited February 20, 2020 by muchlovetogive
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 20, 2020 Author Posted February 20, 2020 10 hours ago, Ruby Slippers said: This is the real heart of the matter. Is this the best you think you can do? I know it's hard to find a good man, but I have to believe there are good guys out there who would love the opportunity to be with a good woman and treat her right. This made me cry....thank you for opening my eyes. It's just that when we are together it's so great, but when apart, it doesn't make sense... 10 hours ago, S2B said: He isn’t making you a priority with honesty to the people he lives with. this is the same dynamic as if you were an other woman to a married man. no no no, I don’t wish that dynamic on anyone! he knows he isn’t being fair to you. He isn’t prioritizing you! Yet a few fluffy words with NO changed action and you trot off happily to dinner. Probably had sex with him too... he gets what he wants (for you to be invisible) yet you don’t get what you want. why are you settling? You may ALWAYS be invisible in his life - and that’s not good enough. I was thinking yes, it seems like i'm invisible now, but it's still only been 6 months....and i would expect things to change pretty soon...not expecting this to last forever for sure. 10 hours ago, Calmandfocused said: I would also bet money on the high probability that his ex partners (since his exW) have all had issue with this peculiar dynamic that he has with the mother of his children. And no woman with high self esteem would consent to be hidden. I suspect that is the reason why he won’t tell you about his past. Nothing to do with being a “private person”. I suspect it’s everything to do with the fact that he’s found someone whose willing to operate entirely on his terms and who sucks it up with minimal fuss or question. He won’t tell you about them because he doesn’t want you to suss it out that you’re not being treated in the way you deserve. I'm starting to suspect this is why he hasn't spoken much about past relationships...but if he is so hung up on ex, and she wants to get back , then why not just go back to her?? 1
preraph Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 You don't know that he's not still having relations with her. that house he bought maybe his excuse to not be home with her all the time. You're taking his word for a lot of stuff. I find it difficult to believe that if they're really not at all together that she isn't dating other guys. I would just ask him about that. I would say so it's been 10 years, so I assume she must be dating. and if she says she has gone out with some guys then you can say well it seems like you know about it so what's wrong with her knowing about you dating. 1 1
chillii Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) She might've had relationships , just single now but op's been on the scene only 6mths. And his , maybe it was the kids but eh so what they would've been younger, when l was on a date site every woman on it stressed her kids come first, there's guys round ls complaining all the same stuff. Or maybe he just hasn't met the right woman yet, or ex the man. As far as calling on the drive home , 8hrs of driving all up and the wkend with his girls ahh, l'd probably take some chill time first. As l say not sayin he is or isn't whatever , but if your really into him op l'd give it some more time, talk more. ps , why is it women always think we have a thing for the ex btw ? It's like your damned if you do damned if you don't. Even all over ls women say they don't wanna hear about ex's or bitterness, but when you keep it short sweet n civil about ex's, they think you want them back, l've never wanted an ex back. Edited February 20, 2020 by chillii 1
chillii Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) l've been a single dad 7yrs but nope , it doesn't work like that and he did explain that to her. Women never understand what it's like being a single dad and trying to make up for a 7 day a week/365, normal family life situation for your kids, into 2/3 of a wkend. lf your a good dad your doing your best to somehow make up for all that , even if it's just being there for them when you do have them. And l think he only not called just on one wkend. Edited February 20, 2020 by chillii
Daisydooks Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, muchlovetogive said: but if he is so hung up on ex, and she wants to get back , then why not just go back to her?? Who says they arent together from Friday to Sunday and testing the waters again? Maybe he has taken her back in some form? It would explain a LOT of his actions/inactions Edited February 20, 2020 by Daisydooks 3 1
chillii Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 Yeah it would be odd to not think of her at all for sure l'd be pissed as hell if she said that to me as it really was , doubt very much that is how it really was though, l dunno , wonder if op asked him more.
Daisydooks Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, chillii said: ps , why is it women always think we have a thing for the ex btw ? It's like your damned if you do damned if you don't. Even all over ls women say they don't wanna hear about ex's or bitterness, but when you keep it short sweet n civil about ex's, they think you want them back, l've never wanted an ex back. Well, some of us may feel this way because WE ARE THE WOMEN these men come clinging back to and have experienced men who do this nonsense even when they have a new girlfriend. He wants to keep it a secret since he probably doesnt know who to choose or what to do. It sounds like OP is the OW to a MM attempting to rekindle his marriage or trying to salvage something with her. He may even be torn. He may be trying to get back at her for cheating. Who knows. Sorry, but that's what it sounds like. We dont ALWAYS think this but as I said, we are also the women who have experienced exs who come crawling back in even when they have a woman. So perhaps women have a better idea than you might, being only one man with your one (valid) experience. Its valid, but you're only ONE man of many who DO in fact go back to their exs. It happens much more frequently than uoure suggesting I dont discount that YOU havent gone back to an ex, but every ex of mine has tried to come back to me. Every one of them. I am with you in that I dont go back to exs either. What a waste of time. Haha I'm just looking at actions based on the story given here and these are my thoughts. I cant say I always feel this about every story however because a lot of men cannot forgive cheating. A lot of women cant either. Never in my life have I known a father to have his kids every single weekend unless he lived with their mother. His behaviour is alarming and very different from that of a man who is over his ex who cheated on him a decade ago, when his teenagers are now 14 and 17. Surely they dont sleep in bed with him at 14 and 17 so he must have some quiet time, even if he does want to keep her under the radar of his girls for now. He can keep it quiet and not tell his kids yet if he isnt ready, but still message her before bed, no? Or is that too much to ask? Edited February 20, 2020 by Daisydooks 2
chillii Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) Oh shyt yeah he should've at least messaged her. But nah , l've had more than one experience l'm afraid , always the same. And fair enough then as ya say l;m a guy so l'm not on the receiving end like you've been . Weird how they'd wanna go back , the only reason l would've considered it years ago is so that our family was still a family, but it still couldn't have worked out in the long run anyway. Edited February 20, 2020 by chillii
dramallama Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Daisydooks said: Never in my life have I known a father to have his kids every single weekend unless he lived with their mother My daughter goes to her dad's every weekend for 26 hours - I'd rather he had her the whole weekend. It's really not uncommon for dads to do every weekend in my circle. No texts from him is weird though. Edited February 20, 2020 by dramallama Cut down quote 1
elaine567 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 4 hours ago, chillii said: l've never wanted an ex back. I am of the same mentality, once I am done I am done, but like @Daisydooks most of my exes have tried to come back to me too. 3 1
Daisydooks Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 1 hour ago, dramallama said: My daughter goes to her dad's every weekend for 26 hours - I'd rather he had her the whole weekend. It's really not uncommon for dads to do every weekend in my circle. You get zero time with your daughter on any weekend ever?
Blind-Sided Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, chillii said: .......Women never understand what it's like being a single dad and trying to make up for a 7 day a week/365, normal family life situation for your kids, into 2/3 of a wkend. lf your a good dad your doing your best to somehow make up for all that , even if it's just being there for them when you do have them. ...... It's almost worse when it's the other way around, and the dad is the primary. I have my oldest 80% of the time, and my youngest almost every day. The actual agreement is week on/week off. But my oldest is upset with her mom, and only goes over 3 days, every other week. And, my 8yo... even when it's the ex's week... I still have her before, and after school. (and I love having them both) But on the other side, since I have them so much... I don't mind getting a sitter, or just telling my 13yo I'm going out for a while. Anyway, I had a girl get mad because I couldn't make time on a moments notice... so I figured I didn't want to deal with her anyway. I even said we could meet at lunch... and she didn't like that idea. 3 hours ago, dramallama said: My daughter goes to her dad's every weekend for 26 hours - I'd rather he had her the whole weekend. It's really not uncommon for dads to do every weekend in my circle. No texts from him is weird though. I need to make a new thread on this. (doing it now in the parenting section) Why EVERY weekend? Sure, I would want to see my kids... but I need some "Me" time too. And, every weekend would kind of kill that. Edited February 20, 2020 by Blind-Sided 2
elaine567 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 I think with 50/50 custody being more common and many guys working full time, they pack in a lot of their custody hours over a weekend Friday night to Monday morning.
Gaeta Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 11 hours ago, muchlovetogive said: I'm not sure if it's possible to have a totally civil co-parenting situation. I don't know what's reality and what's not because I'm not a parent. They were never married btw. Gaeta, I mentioned before about his dating history that when I have asked about past relationships, he had said that he didn't think it was healthy to talk about exes, which one of my close friends also told me. I believe that it helps to understand what makes the person who they are today...I don't have problems talking about past relationships, but maybe it's not healthy? I still tried to push answers out of him. I asked what the longest relationship was, he said "almost a year". Is that a red flag??? The past 3 relationships I've have been 10 years, 6 months, 5 years.... Married or not, makes no difference to me, same rules apply. About the past relationships I think he's ignoring you again. It's not good to go into the dirty little details of past relationships but there is nothing wrong in giving each other the short story of your past relationships but now that we know in 10 years he had a series of short relationships under 1 year, yes to me that's an orange flag. For all you know they all bailed because they grew tired of being a secret. I have enough dating and relationship experience to know that when something doesn't feel right there is a good reason. I got played to, I dated a man once who kept me a secret from his family and children, he kept saying 'what's the rush', 'we have all the time', after 1 year I put an end to it. I even gave him an ultimatum and he didn't move a finger. Turns out I was not the only woman in his life. 4
Wanderlust2018 Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 I’m a single dad, with two kiddos younger than his, and I’ve never had a problem staying in touch or in contact with a romantic interest. Even if they’re with him 24/7 throughout the weekend, I can’t believe that they’re all three constantly “tethered” to one another. Kids that age are likely wanting to have friends over, and/or go visit friends, or hang out with friends. I know in my case, it’s not uncommon for mine to stay over at a friends, or have friends over for the day or night (which means I’m usually doing my own thing around the house) on the weekends that I have them, which I totally support. Numerous researched and published scholarly articles point out that it’s the quality of time, NOT the quantity of time spent with kids that matters most. He sounds overly enmeshed with his daughters, in my opinion. Plus, I think it’s just disrespectful to you to drop off the face of the earth every weekend. I have a feeling his daughters will always trump you and your relationship. I’d also be concerned that he never has a free weekend. How can you ever enjoy a free/off weekend together? 5
Daisydooks Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, elaine567 said: I think with 50/50 custody being more common and many guys working full time, they pack in a lot of their custody hours over a weekend Friday night to Monday morning. 50/50 is understandable. Lol. My best friend just went from every other weekend/a few days in the week to 50/50 with her ex now that their daughter is a bit older. Distance between them has made this an easier approach to parenting their child and she has always wanted dad to step up more because its good for their daughter. It works well being 50/50, but they both have weekends off. Working full time and then never having a weekend off isnt sustainable without dad burning out entirely It is imperative kids get quality time with each parent. Super important. I just wonder how weekends work because dad is fried from never having a second alone ever since he works in the week and then has kids all weekend, and mom gets all weekends off but misses out on actual down time with their kids if she only plays the role of taking kids to school, picking them up, feeding them dinner, ensuring homework is done, hauling them to soccer practice, and never has a single weekend with her kids where they get to do fun things (that arent squished between dinner and bedtime.) We have mentioned "quality time" here and I'm struggling to understand how either parent gets any with their kiddos. This would be so hard on me to only have my kids for the tough stuff and none of the going to museums, zoos, taking them to a meet up with their friends, or having the ability to enjoy a lazy Saturday/Sunday just watching movies in bed with them. I'd really miss that time if my only job was to ensure they went to school, ate, did homework and slept. Edited February 20, 2020 by Daisydooks 2
kendahke Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, chillii said: ps , why is it women always think we have a thing for the ex btw ? because it's fallen out in experience our feet for a whole lot of us Quote l've never wanted an ex back. That's great. However, your experience isn't every man's experience. I've dealt with it three times in my lifetime and that's enough for me to come to the conclusion that this is a thing and shouldn't be ignored and he shouldn't be rewarded with my attention/affection or benefits of the doubt. Edited February 20, 2020 by kendahke
kendahke Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 10 hours ago, Daisydooks said: Well, some of us may feel this way because WE ARE THE WOMEN these men come clinging back to and have experienced men who do this nonsense even when they have a new girlfriend. He wants to keep it a secret since he probably doesnt know who to choose or what to do. We dont ALWAYS think this but as I said, we are also the women who have experienced exs who come crawling back in even when they have a woman. well said, Daisy. This is exactly what my ex tried to do about 5 years ago. And he tried repeatedly even when he was living with the toad, calling me and sending me pictures of him in her bed when she was away on business.
dramallama Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 5 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: Why EVERY weekend? Sure, I would want to see my kids... but I need some "Me" time too. And, every weekend would kind of kill that. I'd have rather had 50/50 shared care because I'm on my own, no parents, work full time in a demanding job - so him having her for one day every weekend is necessary so I can have a life of some description and a rest! My dad didn't get to see my brother after my mum left and it broke his heart, I'm very keen my daughter has a solid relationship with her dad.
chillii Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 (edited) What's with the exact number like 26hrs , do you time their time together or something ? Forgot to add Daisy , my daughter use to stay over every single wkend and often wknights too and often most of the holidays too for 6 yrs or so, was the most important thing in the world to me and to us. l met a lot of dads back then that had 50 50 or else as much time as they could possibly manage with their kids.Some bought houses round the corner or 5mins away from ex so that their kids could come and go as naturally as possible. l rented a house 10 mins from ex so that my d could come out anytime , l'd pick her up from school anytime we'd go back to mine or down the beach or l'd go and get her anytime , ex could run her over to mine anytime. l really didn't wanna be near ex's world but l wanted me and my d to see as much of each other and as naturally as we could. Edited February 21, 2020 by chillii
dramallama Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 3 minutes ago, chillii said: What's with the exact number like 26hrs , do you time their time together or something? He's INCREDIBLY rigid about what time he collects and drops off. I managed to squeeze an extra 2 hours out of him recently, that's why so specific, I take my victories where I can
chillii Posted February 21, 2020 Posted February 21, 2020 2 minutes ago, dramallama said: He's INCREDIBLY rigid about what time he collects and drops off. I managed to squeeze an extra 2 hours out of him recently, that's why so specific, I take my victories where I can Ahh right , yikes. 1
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