Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 11 minutes ago, Gaeta said: But that's only talk and talk is cheap. How can a man start talking about moving in together at 6 months when you haven't met his kids yet? I think he is feeding you what you want to hear. When children are involved moving in together is a long process. Before starting conversations about moving in together he should be introducing you for short visits and see if you mesh well with the kids, no? Same with wanting another baby. It's air coming out of his mouth. THIS AND... what the!?!?!? He wants another baby with a woman he just met 6-months ago, no solid plans to be together, keeping you at arms length, and doing an amazing job taking care of his own children and supporting them? THIS IS RUBBISH! He is feeding your maternal desires to keep you 'hooked.' Think about this. He is talking about having a baby and moving in with you, but cannot behave like a committed, monogamous partner. No way. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. 3 1 1
dramallama Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 On 2/17/2020 at 12:41 AM, muchlovetogive said: We have been together for 6 months and are exclusive. So you've been behaving as if exclusive 18 hours ago, muchlovetogive said: Lol, not explicitly a definite clear and dry verbal agreement. Just him telling me I'm his and today me asking for openness on both our parts. With him asking me if I am seeing anyone else. I said no, and I asked him if he was and he said no, I only want you. You've both said you're not seeing anyone else and he's indicated he only wants to see you 4 hours ago, muchlovetogive said: Should I mention to him first that I would start dating again, since I've already told him I'm seeing anyone else? 1 hour ago, S2B said: No - there’s no reason to... he assumed you may be dating others - so in a way he expects it. .So actually I disagree with S2B, I think he now expects that you are exclusive, in which case if you want to change the status of that, it's polite to say so, especially if you're having sex. 1
smackie9 Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) If you are talking babies /moving in together, why isn't there talk of expectations on communicating during the weekend? Teenage girls don't want to hang out with dad so much at that age and would rather be texting their friends, BFs, whatever so I'm calling bull S%^$. It's been 6 months now with this guy....how much do you know about him?..... Edited February 18, 2020 by smackie9 1
kendahke Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 20 hours ago, muchlovetogive said: While discussing our Valentine's Day plans last week, he did mention that bringing up any change of plans for picking up the kids would not lead to a good result with the ex because she is the "spiteful" type if she found out that he was dating someone seriously. He told me a while back that supposedly she wants to get back with him. I wasn't sure if he was just being full of himself, but it's been 10 years since they broke up! I had a feeling that his ex was steering that ship. The less anyone knows about you, the less ammo she has to use against him---and he compartmentalizes his life. You in a box on a shelf where the girls can't see you and tell their mom when she pumps them for information once they get back home, seeing she's that vindictive and spiteful. Unfortunately, he uses that tack with you when you and his ex aren't even remotely the same person. I'm also shocked that at 10 years out, he's still compartmentalizing his life due to her. The oldest one is pretty much at the age where she can tell her mom to stuff herself and go live with her dad if she wants to---the 14 yr old, not so much yet. Quote Do I need to have a discussion about this now? Oooh yes!! He needs to be waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay more transparent with you--and you need to ask him how he would feel if you were accommodating an ex the exact way he's been accommodating his by going radio silent every weekend, being evasive, omitting things and playing you to the left. Even if he has to tell the girls he's running to the store for some milk, he can call you and text you. He can find a quiet corner of the house and chat with you for 15 minutes. 3
kendahke Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 3 hours ago, muchlovetogive said: In regards to moving the relationship forward, he has told me he wants another baby and we have spoken about moving in together. How will he manage this if he is too afraid of making his ex mad over a text on the weekend? Is he thinking that in 4 years when the youngest is 18 and off to college, that's when he's going to want to create a whole new human being? Going by what you've shared, I can't see it happening sooner if he's that afraid of his ex. 1
chillii Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 lt doesn't have to be about getting back with the ex, 9 yrs , doubt that. Sounds like she's been a lot of trouble though and pretty well what l suspected in my first post. It's still fragile and who wants to start going back to court , Jezuz , or put the kids through more crap , people say that like it's going down to get milk. lt's not it's big shyt especially if the kids get involved or even know it's going on. Speaking of , people act like it's all over for them and they don't giva fk by what 14 and 17, many aren't even close especially if they've watched yrs of bs between him and ex and been in the middle of it. lt's obviously been a pretty fragile time going on him still protecting the situation and them so strongly. But yeah l agree if he wants to have any kind of relationship he shouldn't be shutting you out and doesn't need to be and the best thing you can do if you still want this is talk about it properly the way your planning andddd , see if he's gonna do anything about it or cares to and most importantly how your both really feeling. Because if this isn't gonna be a serious long term thing then you should part company and let him get on with managing his family the way he sees fit for whatever reason. 1
Ruby Slippers Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) 21 hours ago, muchlovetogive said: I've been trying to be easy going and not question things too much, and I'm not great at communicating my feelings either, so I think I've reached a point where I am just gonna have to let it all out. One thing I've learned is that most men will only make as much effort as required to clear the bar wherever the woman sets it. Set the bar high and he makes the effort to clear it. Set it low and he makes a lazy, half-hearted effort. And the funny thing is that it seems the harder he has to work to get you and keep you, the more he values you - and vice versa. Men don't appreciate easy-going women who don't question things. They appreciate women who hold themselves and the men in their lives to a high standard. Ideally this would not be required and men would just do what they need to do. Unfortunately, the real world doesn't work that way. Edited February 18, 2020 by Ruby Slippers 6
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) 5 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: THIS AND... what the!?!?!? He wants another baby with a woman he just met 6-months ago, no solid plans to be together, keeping you at arms length, and doing an amazing job taking care of his own children and supporting them? THIS IS RUBBISH! He is feeding your maternal desires to keep you 'hooked.' Think about this. He is talking about having a baby and moving in with you, but cannot behave like a committed, monogamous partner. No way. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO WAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAY. To put things more in perspective, it's not that he has been hanging this carrot in front of me about promises of having babies and moving in together. This is just stuff that came up in conversation after a recent pregnancy scare. When first dating, we spoke about our preferences regarding babies in the future where HE said he would like another one and I said, I'm still not totally sure I want any even at my ripe old age of 37. After the pregnancy scare, he said though he would like to have one, he doesn't feel like we are prepared for one yet. That, we at least should already been living together and be more financially ready to welcome a child. So, I had a talk with him. He told me I could ask him anything and he will answer me. I asked him to tell me about his weekend. He said it was "interesting" because when he pulled up to the house, his daughter's boyfriend was parked there and they had some words. He seemed to be upset and I told him he didn't need to get into details. He drove them back to his house couple hours away. They hung out, went to Olive Garden, he worked on the house blah blah. Just routine stuff it sounds like and I believe him. He told me he's sorry and he didn't mean to make me sad. I asked if he doesn't think to call me at all. He said it's like his kids have a wall up and every weekend when he gets them, he has to work on bringing down the wall, and then build their relationship up after. Then when they've gotten to a good place, he has to bring them back home. He said between that and running errands etc, the day just flies by and he's tired and it may slip his mind that we hadn't spoken. (I didn't mention to you guys that the previous weekend, he called me at least twice on Saturday and Sunday, so he doesn't do this every weekend, but it's sporadic enough to bother me) I can't say he hasn't been trying. He said "you can't just drop me because you haven't heard from me one weekend." I told him this is what I need and he said he will make sure to call me every weekend (and set an alarm on his phone to do so ) He likes to joke around a lot too which annoys me sometimes. I asked him to clarify his relationship with the ex. So he doesn't agree with a lot of stuff she does in terms of parenting. For example, daughter got a tattoo with mom's approval without consulting him. He said there's a lot but he doesn't want to go into it too much. I asked if they spent Vday together, are still having sex, spend any time together. He said, no, even though she may want him back, he cannot be with someone he doesn't trust and that they had grown apart over the years and he no longer liked the person she was, so he is not at all interested in being with her in that way. But, if they have to discuss something with the kids, they will go out to get pizza together, but do not spend private time alone. He said they alternate holidays, but I forgot to ask about how he cares what would upset his ex versus spending time with me. When I asked if I was being hidden from them, he said he doesn't feel a need to tell his ex anything about his private life or who he is dating and that he is just a private person. And that his kids don't really know yet, but when the time is right he will tell them. I didn't ask when the time is right either? I'm guessing he wants to make sure we are really long-term before he lets them know. But they can still know he is dating someone even before meeting them right?? Oh well, I will ask him these questions next time, I just blanked out. In general, it was a productive conversation and we went out to dinner in our usual honeymoon smiley state. He said he just wants to see me happy and he didn't mean to make me cry. Thank you all for your great insight, you helped me not go insane trying to figure things out on my own!! Edited February 18, 2020 by muchlovetogive 3
Gaeta Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 (edited) I hope he makes a turn around for you. On a side note, if my ex made it known he wants me back I wouldn't grab lunch with him. Our daughter was 13 when we divorced and we managed to solved everything by talking over the phone. Edited February 19, 2020 by Gaeta 4
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 19, 2020 Author Posted February 19, 2020 Gaeta, is it possible to have a cordial meeting in front of the children? Do you think there might be something there to worry about? Either way, I feel like it's not my place to demand that they don't spend time together even if with the children. Also, he mentioned he might be there together for the kids' birthday parties. Where is the line?
kendahke Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 (edited) 35 minutes ago, muchlovetogive said: Also, he mentioned he might be there together for the kids' birthday parties. Those days are petering out. I'm guessing that at their age, that can be a bit cringy, so it's not like they're 10 years younger. They'd probably now prefer to do thing with their friends and would rather have the money they'd spend on a kiddie party. Edited February 19, 2020 by kendahke 2
chillii Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 (edited) He sounds pretty good really and hey , the older ones got a bf too , didn't see my d for dust haha once the boys were on the scene , not staying over anyway. But l fully get he's re'building things again every wkend too yep that's how it can be alright. And did you say it's a 2 hour drive to his kids , and what 2 back, so not only but that's 8 hours driving for him on the wkends too which pretty well screws his wkend well and truly too, l think he sounds like his on the level and trying. Still think there's nothing to worry about with the ex either and funny, l don't relly like my ex much these days either but we were married 20yrs. A lot of parents do still do a few things together for the kids or meet up to talk it over properly. l think it was all a great start though and he does sound like he cares, in time you'll be able to work it out if you want too. Edited February 19, 2020 by chillii 1
Blind-Sided Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 (edited) 11 hours ago, Gaeta said: ........On a side note, if my ex made it known he wants me back I wouldn't grab lunch with him. Our daughter was 13 when we divorced and we managed to solved everything by talking over the phone. EXACTLY !!!!!!!! You broke up for a reason. You don't hang out with your ex. We dont' call each other ever. We do everything electronic since she accused me of all kinds of crazy crap. 11 hours ago, muchlovetogive said: Gaeta, is it possible to have a cordial meeting in front of the children? Do you think there might be something there to worry about? Either way, I feel like it's not my place to demand that they don't spend time together even if with the children. Also, he mentioned he might be there together for the kids' birthday parties. Where is the line? NO!! You can not have any kind of meeting in front of the kids, regardless of age. My ex and I may see each other when we drop off kids... but I WILL NOT step on foot into her house. That's partly because she accused me of being abusive, and I don't need to give her any ammo for new accusations... but it's because I'm sending a clear signal that I'm not part of HER life. She will step inside my house, but I have cameras now, and she is aware of them. AND, the only reason I allow that, is that I'm in a snow state, and I don't want all that cold air in the house. YES... it is something to worry about. As @Gaeta said... you can communicate about kids without getting a meal together. As far as I'm concerned... that's basically a "Date". There is no reason to have a sit-down meeting with your ex, unless it is court ordered, and there are other people there. In a few weeks, it will be the first B-day of my 8yo since we have been apart... and there is NO WAY IN HELL I would be at the party my ex is throwing for my kid. We will do something separate, with my family. Any real communication I need to have with my ex is via an app that the courts can look at. Th only thing we talk about during a drop-off is any meds the kids may be taking (colds) or what may be happening at school for the next day. Generally... we are looking at an extra 2 to 4 minutes once my kids have there stuff transferred. YES... it is your place to make demands. You 2 have been together for a while, and things are moving forward... and you need to know where your life is going. Let's face it... you aren't a teen where your entire life is in front of you. As an adult... a relationship moving forward is a life choice. Anyway... I'm sorry that you are in this position, and to me... things don't sound good. He isn't thinking of you anytime he is thinking of is old life. Edited February 19, 2020 by Blind-Sided 1
elaine567 Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 The problem you have is that he didn't dump or walk out on her, she, with her cheating forced the split. He can't trust her but he can't get rid of her either as he may still in fact love her. She wants him back and he is generally happy to stick around playing the game. He rocks no boats - at home he doesn't have a gf... He can't call you or speak about you to them, as as far as they are all concerned you don't exist. He compartmentalises his two lives.. You are like an "other woman", his dirty secret, and once they find out I guess, all hell will break loose... Its not a good situation for you to be in. After 10 years you would have thought there would be a more realistic attitude to each other dating others, but the fact you are hidden, may mean there is a lot more going on than he tells you about.. I don't buy the "I am a private person". He is conflict avoidant. I guess he tells her what she wants to hear to avoid arguments and upset, and unfortunately, he is probably doing the same to you... If I were to be highly suspicious and cynical I may say, her story may be a lot different to the one he is telling you... Be careful. 6
Calmandfocused Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 You slip his mind? A woman who he loves, adores and wants to have a baby with? How are you not highly offended by this op? Popping to the post office slips my mind. People that I love and mean the world to me do not! The fact he said that to you speaks volumes. Sorry op, but I think the talk you had was highly manipulative. He has no need to go for pizza with his ex wife or play happy families for “the kids sake”. This behaviour is not normal or justifiable. The hiding your existence is also not normal “to keep the peace”. Btw I 100% agree with Elaine. Please stick up for yourself op. He’s walking all over you. And just because he has children and you don’t, it doesn’t make his needs more important that yours. Nor does it give him the green light to treat you exactly as he pleases. 5
Gaeta Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 12 hours ago, muchlovetogive said: Gaeta, is it possible to have a cordial meeting in front of the children? Do you think there might be something there to worry about? Either way, I feel like it's not my place to demand that they don't spend time together even if with the children. Also, he mentioned he might be there together for the kids' birthday parties. Where is the line? Yes it's possible but it depends for what circumstances. My ex-h and I were in excellent terms, we both moved on with our lives and there were no blurred lines between us. We attended together important milestones of our daughter's life like her High School graduation. We also were together as parents when she had an elbow reconstructive surgery. Did we meet to talk about regular life issues? never! birthday's? no. His children are way passed the age of having divorced mom & dad together for their b'day. At 14 and up they want parties with their friends. What is this man dating history? 2
Blind-Sided Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: ......... He rocks no boats - at home he doesn't have a gf... He can't call you or speak about you to them, as as far as they are all concerned you don't exist. .............. You are like an "other woman", his dirty secret, ......................... ................. If I were to be highly suspicious and cynical I may say, her story may be a lot different to the one he is telling you... Be careful. Yep... I feel the same way on this one. 3
Ruby Slippers Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 16 hours ago, muchlovetogive said: He said "you can't just drop me because you haven't heard from me one weekend." Au contraire, you most certainly can if you want to. You "slip his mind"? For the whole weekend? How extremely lame. Personally, I could never stay interested in a man who essentially forgets about me most every weekend. 8
Ruby Slippers Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 11 minutes ago, S2B said: why are you settling? You may ALWAYS be invisible in his life - and that’s not good enough. This is the real heart of the matter. Is this the best you think you can do? I know it's hard to find a good man, but I have to believe there are good guys out there who would love the opportunity to be with a good woman and treat her right. 1
Calmandfocused Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 I would also bet money on the high probability that his ex partners (since his exW) have all had issue with this peculiar dynamic that he has with the mother of his children. And no woman with high self esteem would consent to be hidden. I suspect that is the reason why he won’t tell you about his past. Nothing to do with being a “private person”. I suspect it’s everything to do with the fact that he’s found someone whose willing to operate entirely on his terms and who sucks it up with minimal fuss or question. He won’t tell you about them because he doesn’t want you to suss it out that you’re not being treated in the way you deserve. 4 1
Daisydooks Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 (edited) On 2/17/2020 at 12:19 PM, elaine567 said: This is why single people should stay away from parents. You should be enjoying great weekends with your bf, not sitting home alone whilst he tends to his kids and ignores you... When I found myself single again, I had no desire to date anyone with kids. (This was just one of a number of reasons) I sincerely didnt have any interest in being a step mother either so all this waiting on a man would be for nothing if I didnt intend to step up into the step parent role. That was a big one for me. I want a family, but I want to be the one to start it. I didnt want to step into an already formed family Edited February 19, 2020 by Daisydooks Spelling 2 1
preraph Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 I have to agree that going out to eat with her or her and the kids is a date or family date. I broke up with a guy while he was in the middle of divorce because on weekends, he'd go over there and they'd sort out belongings and then she would get teary-eyed (she cheated on him) and so he'd take her to dinner. Uh, no. All she was doing was manipulating him. She miscalculated when she started flirting with his friends and acquaintances and didn't get the result she wanted. She would also still go to a gig and shake her butt at him. I could see going with a group of other parents and students after, say, a soccer game, but no. He's giving her false hope by hiding the fact that he's dating. In her mind, she's like, it's only a matter of time and he's not seeing anyone else and he's with the kids all weekend when most people would be dating. It's fine if he doesn't want to introduce you yet to anyone. I get that. Or to her ever. But he should not be hiding that he's dating to her. There's something off about that, no matter how he justifies it. 3 1
Miss Spider Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 On 2/17/2020 at 12:19 PM, elaine567 said: This is why single people should stay away from parents. You should be enjoying great weekends with your bf, not sitting home alone whilst he tends to his kids and ignores you... Interested single parents typically don’t act like this... They include the person they’re dating in their life, even if they have kids. But I do agree they have that extra aspect to consider and it comes with it’s own set of issues that you have to be sure you’re ok with. I dated this guy who had a daughter who was about 9. She really liked me and it was cute for a minute. I spent a weekend with them and I spent more time with her than him. She made me play games on her iPad with her and put face masks on and draw pictures with her all night. Her dad said nothing about this except “Zoey, come on” and that did nothing. She was so overwhelming and clingy, , but I wanted to be nice to her. I will probably not date another single parent. Our lives and our values are just way too different. Maybe if the kids are grown and out of the house, but that would mean he’s substantially older. So probably not. 2
dramallama Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 8 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said: Interested single parents typically don’t act like this... They include the person they’re dating in their life, even if they have kids. But I do agree they have that extra aspect to consider and it comes with it’s own set of issues that you have to be sure you’re ok with. I will probably not date another single parent. Our lives and our values are just way too different. Maybe if the kids are grown and out of the house, but that would mean he’s substantially older. So probably not. Whereas for me, as a mum, I prefer to date parents - they get it, they understand my constraints and priorities But they still show when they're interested, and keep in touch while with their children. 4
Daisydooks Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 (edited) I am a bit tainted here so maybe my brain is going to a place it should not. When I read this, I cannot help but think "so he is basically living with his ex wife on the weekends." When he goes to pick up his daughters, do you know he is even at his own place with the girls? You wouldn't really know unless you follow him, but ain't nobody got time for that noise and nonsense. I cant help but think he ignores you because he isnt picking his kids up at all, but in fact going to stay with them and mom. I know I'm jaded but it's the only thing that comes to mind when I read your OP and all updates. Surely he sleeps in his own bed and his own room, and surely he doesnt sleep with his kids. So why couldn't he say goodnight? He should be able to say good night, unless his wife/ex wife is sleeping beside him. Again, I am jaded as f***. But still. None of this makes any sense whatsoever Edited February 19, 2020 by Daisydooks 4
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