Gaeta Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 3 minutes ago, muchlovetogive said: Sometimes he's vague with details when I ask about what they do. And when I called him out on it, he said he likes to keep his life with them separate from with me and when the time is right, he will bring them together. I left it at that. But, how does just telling me what they did over the weekend combine us? That would not sit well with me. 1st, he is not answering your question 'what they did over the weekend' AND he diverts your attention by making it about something else 'introducing the kids to you'. He's on the defensive. Maybe he's dating more than 1 woman, who knows. Personally I think 6 months dating is plenty to introduce you to the kids. I am not talking about spending the night there but definitely enough to join them for dinner or to a movie, they are old enough to understand what dating is. 4
Fletch Lives Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Okay so he's single, he's just rude for not replying to your text. I get that some people don't like calls and text and only use it to set up a date. But you like a text a day or every few days, and i don't think it's too much to reply to one a day/weekend. 1
SunnySide0418 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 He's definitely not acting like he's in love with you. I have two boys 11 and 9 who are very demanding of my attention but if I were really into a guy I would make the time to stay connected by a few texts. Maybe not calls but definitely texts to let him know I'm thinking about him. I would tell him exactly how it makes you feel and if nothing changes .. again. I'd move on and find someone without kids. 2
BaileyB Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, muchlovetogive said: I am starting to consider breaking up and finding a single guy without kids.... All well and good but at 37, the reality is that you may have a difficult time finding a man who doesn’t have kids. As one who has been there and done that, some men who are still single and childless in their late 30’s-early 40’s are single and childless for a reason (It may have been their choice or they may not have much experience with long term relationships - to name two reasons. It’s very much dependent on the person. I found a man with a child and he was much more appealing to me than any of the other single and childless men I was meeting). This man has been separated for a long time, older children - there is lots to like about that if you want a man who is soon going to have more time and be available to build a life with you. I don’t know many men who would want to have a baby at this late stage - particularly because he has been there, done that, and has two almost grown children. But who knows, maybe he does. That would be a life changing decision for both of you. Decisions, decisions... It all comes down to - what do you want for your life? Best wishes. Edited February 17, 2020 by BaileyB 2
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Regardless if you find it rude or not, if you do not communicate your frustration, why would he change his behavior? So, you say to him, "Hey, you can't even text me back over the weekend?" Well, the man is with his kids, but if you are comfortable enough to issue a complaint, then do it, but I would personally not feel comfortable saying this to somebody who sees their kids twice a week. If you are not comfortable enough to complain to him about it and even if you do, you may get some backlash, but I mean, leave the man be while he is spending time with his children, like what, you need a text back or your life is going to come to a screeching halt? Sounds like you want a pen pal, not a boyfriend.
Gaeta Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 2 hours ago, muchlovetogive said: I am starting to consider breaking up and finding a single guy without kids.... This man and his behavior is not representative of all the single dads out there. Your boyfriend comes across as being secretive and not 100% on board with you. I also find his visitation arrangement with the children unusual. I don't know many mothers who'd be willing to part with their kids e-v-e-r-y weekend of the year. That comes across as odd to me. I wouldn't be surprised that some of those weekends he uses the kids as an excuse and they're not with him. 2
chillii Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) 6 mths for a parent with any brains and consideration for their kids is too soon , and here you are considering breaking up now that just proves 6mths is nothing. And 14 and 17 is still a delegate time , and again anyone with any brains knows their kids can't be seeing them with new people every 5mins. And hell yeah the time we get with our kids is very important so until something is serious you don't mess with that. lt's surprising he doesn't at least say hello a few times though . But there could also be reasons for that because kids know believe me , my daughter could tell at 11 if l was even messaging some women or if it was just a friend and she could def tell with a ph call even if l went outside while she was busy and shouldn't notice ha, forget it, she did. And then there's the ex , things could be fragile there too, but you'd know about that side of things. All depends how he is about you and you guys when he's not with his kids . that's where the answer is. ls he really really into things and you , do you love each other. l mean l'm thinking it's not that bigger thing because if it was you'd be sticking around knowing that in a year or so you'd be meeting the kids and be more of a part in things anyway. Edited February 17, 2020 by chillii
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 4 hours ago, muchlovetogive said: I was a little bummed when I found out he had kids. I thought since his were more grown than my ex's kids, he might have more free time, which is true, but it doesn't seem to be enough for me. I am starting to consider breaking up and finding a single guy without kids.... I cannot fault you for this. I am a single father, no mother or ex around, of two teens and find time for the woman I date. Regular life gets in the way and other obligations, but I do find time during the week and weekends whenever I can. It's not really about finding someone w/o children, it's about finding someone who has the time to date and have a relationship. I still believe something else is going on. Even if he were painting, he would have time to respond. He also makes no effort to initiate, so that tells me he is not as interested or preoccupied by something or someone else. 4
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 2 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: Sounds like you want a pen pal, not a boyfriend. NO, she wants a real bf not someone who goes MIA every weekend. Single people want a proper relationship, they are used to being #1, not #4 after his ex and their kids. They are not HER kids, she doesn't even know them, yet she is being sidelined and ignored by the man that she is supposed to be dating. I get that to parents their family is the most important thing in the world, but if a parent is going to date a single person, they need to put in a bit of dating effort else that single person will just leave. Why would they want to spend time alone and lonely every weekend just to make someone else's kids feel good? 4
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: Regardless if you find it rude or not, if you do not communicate your frustration, why would he change his behavior? So, you say to him, "Hey, you can't even text me back over the weekend?" Well, the man is with his kids, but if you are comfortable enough to issue a complaint, then do it, but I would personally not feel comfortable saying this to somebody who sees their kids twice a week. If you are not comfortable enough to complain to him about it and even if you do, you may get some backlash, but I mean, leave the man be while he is spending time with his children, like what, you need a text back or your life is going to come to a screeching halt? Sounds like you want a pen pal, not a boyfriend. I have previously mentioned it to him once that I would appreciate some contact over the weekend, which he said he would work on. So, he called me after work, and he could hear in my voice that I was upset. He told me he had an interesting weekend. I asked him to elaborate. He only told me he had an argument with his ex and his kids somehow knew what was going on. I let him know how it bothered me how he is vague when asked about these things. He told me that he doesn't want to speak negatively to me about her and he likes to just be happy with me. I told him reality is not happy all the time and we should be open and able to speak about anything to each other. I have also asked about past relationships after his kids' mothers and he would tell me that he doesn't think it's healthy to talk about past relationships. My friends and I have different views on this. I respect both, but just frustrated not to know what may make him who he is today in this relationship. He asked if I wanted to go out and get dinner tonight (another pet peeve of mine--not planning to see me ahead of time. He's not a planner!), but I told him I had plans with a friend. So he asked if I was free tomorrow, so I will speak to him then about everything bothering me. Edited February 17, 2020 by muchlovetogive
preraph Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 I think it's because he doesn't want his teens to know he's dating and/or doesn't want it to get back to their mother, who he may hold out hope of reuniting with. 3
HappySenior Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) Okay so his kids are almost grown. But consider that still doesn't mean it isn't possible for them to "move back home" if they aren't ready to fly the nest, and if they are already his priority over you, then they will still be at that point when and if that becomes an issue. My ex let his son (and son's girlfriend) move back in with him, without even asking me how I felt about it or considering my feelings. But then, he didn't consider my feelings about most issues before making his decisions from the get-go. This is key: how much of a priority are you willing to settle for? Edited February 17, 2020 by HappySenior 2
FMW Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 I think preraph may be right. Being hidden, for any reason, is never a good thing. He's apparently just clueless about how this makes you feel, even though you've tried to explain it. He just doesn't get it. Maybe he never will. I can understand not wanting to go in to details about past relationships, but just basic information on how long the relationships lasted and what brought about their end is something most people would like to know as part of understanding their partner and how your relationship fits in. No need to talk badly about ex-partners, hopefully he sees that he had some part in the breakups. So each of his children have a different mother? Or was "kids' mothers" a typo with the added S? That would make me especially curious about his relationships.
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) 43 minutes ago, preraph said: I think it's because he doesn't want his teens to know he's dating and/or doesn't want it to get back to their mother, who he may hold out hope of reuniting with. While discussing our Valentine's Day plans last week, he did mention that bringing up any change of plans for picking up the kids would not lead to a good result with the ex because she is the "spiteful" type if she found out that he was dating someone seriously. He told me a while back that supposedly she wants to get back with him. I wasn't sure if he was just being full of himself, but it's been 10 years since they broke up! Do I need to have a discussion about this now? Edited February 17, 2020 by muchlovetogive
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 30 minutes ago, HappySenior said: My ex let his son (and son's girlfriend) move back in with him, without even asking me how I felt about it or considering my feelings. But then, he didn't consider my feelings about most issues before making his decisions from the get-go. This is key: how much of a priority are you willing to settle for? Were you living with him at that time?
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) 41 minutes ago, FMW said: I think preraph may be right. Being hidden, for any reason, is never a good thing. He's apparently just clueless about how this makes you feel, even though you've tried to explain it. He just doesn't get it. Maybe he never will. I can understand not wanting to go in to details about past relationships, but just basic information on how long the relationships lasted and what brought about their end is something most people would like to know as part of understanding their partner and how your relationship fits in. No need to talk badly about ex-partners, hopefully he sees that he had some part in the breakups. So each of his children have a different mother? Or was "kids' mothers" a typo with the added S? That would make me especially curious about his relationships. Actually, I'm ok not meeting them yet or have them know me until we are totally sure. It's only been 6 months but headed the right direction (until his recent change in job and home locations). I don't want to be paraded into his kids' lives without knowing for sure things will work out in the real long-term. What I'm not ok with is not hearing a peep from him over the course of the whole weekend, even when I decide not to text him at all. I try to respect his time with the kids and I actually stopped texting/calling him unless something was urgent. But I still expected him to reach out at some point to say hello.. Yes, that was a typo. His children have the same mother. Edited February 18, 2020 by muchlovetogive 2
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) 15 minutes ago, muchlovetogive said: Actually, I'm ok not meeting them or have them know me until we are totally sure. I don't want to be paraded into his kids' lives without knowing for sure things will work out in the real long-term. What I'm not ok with is not hearing a peep from him over the course of the whole weekend, even when I decide not to text him at all. I try to respect his time with the kids and I actually stopped texting/calling him unless something was urgent. But I still expected him to reach out at some point to say hello.. Yes, that was a typo. His children have the same mother. This is wise. I will take a good 6-months or more before I introduce you as my gf to my children. Different if my siblings, friends, or mother. You are right. He should be reaching out. You are exclusive after all. If your bf is so worried about being caught dating, why is he dating at all... and what kind of grief or 'trouble' will occur if his ex finds out? It seems odd... Edited February 18, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020 2
preraph Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 So by what you said about his comments about Valentine's and any change of plans about picking up the kids, he'd far rather make you mad then make her mad.. And honestly, that is crazy after 10 years. I'm not sure either one of them has actually moved on. They may still be sleeping together sometimes or something like that. Unless a guy was still someone invested in their EX they would probably have the attitude of who cares what she likes and doesn't like. The girls are at an age that they could be a huge problem and if those two aren't willing to rock the boat after 10 years that I imagine those two teens have sufficient reason to hope their parents will get back together. I just think he's going to bolt if you try to talk to him because he's obviously not ready. he might even be thinking he'll wait until the girls are away at college or something assuming they go away which they often do not anymore. If he didn't want to deal with his ex the courts could arrange that. they could use a mediator or the girls are even old enough that they might be able to just Uber around. Hes choosing to make his ex happy at the risk of losing you. I'm not even sure you need a conversation about that. 2
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 8 minutes ago, preraph said: So by what you said about his comments about Valentine's and any change of plans about picking up the kids, he'd far rather make you mad then make her mad.. And honestly, that is crazy after 10 years. I'm not sure either one of them has actually moved on. They may still be sleeping together sometimes or something like that. Unless a guy was still someone invested in their EX they would probably have the attitude of who cares what she likes and doesn't like. The girls are at an age that they could be a huge problem and if those two aren't willing to rock the boat after 10 years that I imagine those two teens have sufficient reason to hope their parents will get back together. I just think he's going to bolt if you try to talk to him because he's obviously not ready. he might even be thinking he'll wait until the girls are away at college or something assuming they go away which they often do not anymore. If he didn't want to deal with his ex the courts could arrange that. they could use a mediator or the girls are even old enough that they might be able to just Uber around. Hes choosing to make his ex happy at the risk of losing you. I'm not even sure you need a conversation about that. He actually did mention that it wouldn't be worth going to the courts over, but I don't even know what that entails. Is it my place to ask what exactly there arrangement is? We did work end up working around Valentine's day, we would celebrate a different night. But, only after I made a big stink about his non concern/nonchalance of the day happening upon us. I was trying to play it cool, but ended up blowing up. I will definitely be having a discussion with him regarding future holidays etc.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 I re-read your original post. You have been with him for 6-months. I really feel that you should know a little more than you do regarding his relationship with his ex and that includes the legal aspects of it. I find it strange that he hasn't divulged more, not all, but more considering you two are exclusive and been together for 6-months. I feel that some things are need to know and anything that would directly impact the relationship and your relationship to him, et. al. is need to know. So, you both were working during Valentine's? I think his relationship with his ex is more than you know. Not suggesting he spent Valentine's with my ex, but his mentioning that his ex would like to get together, if true, could explain part of what is going on...someone else mentioned this, of course. Just be prudent and make your needs, concerns known and unambiguous. 1
preraph Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 He has clearly chosen for this situation to continue for 10 years. I mean I'm sure they had attorneys at some point and that's when they should have taken care of this and I imagine the attorneys recommended that they do. I mean he's willing to do whatever it takes to keep from making the ex mad. There's some reason for that. so has she never moved on and dated another man?
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 18 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: So, you both were working during Valentine's? I think his relationship with his ex is more than you know. Not suggesting he spent Valentine's with my ex, but his mentioning that his ex would like to get together, if true, could explain part of what is going on...someone else mentioned this, of course. Just be prudent and make your needs, concerns known and unambiguous. I was waiting to see if he would make plans for Vday as it would be our first. Coworkers had asked me what we were planning because he used to come by our workplace when he was still working around here and I told them nothing was planned, but I was contemplating whether I should ask him. One said he seems to like to surprise me, so he might surprise me with plans. I let it go, and I just wanted to see how romantic he naturally is... I didn't ask until he visited me at work the night before Vday and when I asked if we were gonna celebrate, he said, well it depends what time because he has to pick up his kids (which he does every Friday night after work). I also told him that if he had to get his kids, I didn't mind celebrating on a different night. I sleptover Thursday night and then Friday afternoon, he texted me saying he had to get his kids after work. No mention of "let's reschedule". So when he called me later I got upset and started crying when he sensed something in my voice. He said of course we can reschedule, just pick any place. 10 minutes ago, preraph said: He has clearly chosen for this situation to continue for 10 years. I mean I'm sure they had attorneys at some point and that's when they should have taken care of this and I imagine the attorneys recommended that they do. I mean he's willing to do whatever it takes to keep from making the ex mad. There's some reason for that. so has she never moved on and dated another man? I guess I will have to point blank interrogate him on everything now. I've been trying to be easy going and not question things too much, and I'm not great at communicating my feelings either, so I think I've reached a point where I am just gonna have to let it all out. I'm not sure if she has moved on. All he's told me is that she cheated on him and they couldn't move on after that. And now that he is successful, she wants him back again, but I'm not sure how recently all that started?
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 1 minute ago, S2B said: Have you been to his place? i had a friend who did this - but it was because he lived with his girlfriend. any time he was home he wouldn’t answer - that was so his GF wouldn’t find out he was communicating during his work hours with multiple women. while home - his phone was off or those callers were blocked. are you positive he’s an available man for dating? Yes, I've been to his place. He gave me his keys and told me I'm welcome whenever I want, but I don't feel comfortable going there unless invited, plus he has recently moved an hour away from me. I'm not sure if he may spend the night at his kids' house because it's a shorter commute to/from work, and he's afraid to tell me. I don't know how to ask him explicitly without sounding like a nosy, crazy paranoid woman.
preraph Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 I just don't think it's going to go very well. He's looking for someone who will put up with this. He is probably still into her even though she cheated on him. I mean he's sort of the dumpee. Not that he would ever trust her again I guess, but don't you find the fact that he's worried that she'll get mad that he's getting serious with someone else when she cheated on him and that's why they're not together anymore? I think most people with their spouse cheated on them and then they got a divorce would be gleefully dating other people and if anything relish the fact their ex was bothered by it. 5 1
preraph Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 2 minutes ago, muchlovetogive said: Yes, I've been to his place. He gave me his keys and told me I'm welcome whenever I want, but I don't feel comfortable going there unless invited, plus he has recently moved an hour away from me. I'm not sure if he may spend the night at his kids' house because it's a shorter commute to/from work, and he's afraid to tell me. I don't know how to ask him explicitly without sounding like a nosy, crazy paranoid woman. By his kids house do you mean spending the night as his ex's?
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