muchlovetogive Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 So, I am single and dating a man who has 2 teenage daughters (14 and 17 years old) every weekend. We have been together for 6 months and are exclusive. I try not to bother him when he is spending quality time with his kids, so I usually do not call or text him. In the beginning, I did call or text him hello how is your day going, and would get NO answer until Monday. It bothered me a bit because I expected at least a text message back saying he is ok, or he is busy. My previous boyfriend also had 2 kids and I did not bother him when he was with his kids unless I had a question about something, and he would usually either call or text me back when he had a chance. He also made a point to contact me every day at least once. Not a day went by that I didn't hear from him. I get that they are two different people who deal with things differently. I realize when you have children that you don't get to see all the time, you are busy and don't think of anything else. But, is it unreasonable to expect at least a text saying hello or letting me know he is busy or will call me later? I have spoken to him twice about this and he said he would try to do better. I haven't texted him all weekend, and he hasn't contacted me either all weekend. I haven't heard anything since Friday morning, and he will probably call me on Monday as if nothing ever happened. I do not have children, so would like to know from others' points of view. Am I being unreasonable by expecting to be contacted at some point over the weekend?
Marc878 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Some people don’t text but under the circumstances if I was interested I’d call or something. You aren’t unreasonable and I would be seeing this for what it is not what you want to see. Some are protective of their kids and don’t introduce them until they’re sure the relationship is going to work out. A friend of mine waited a year before introducing his kids to his gf. Which is a smart move. You are smart about not contacting when his kids are there. Never make someone a priority when you are only an option. I suspect this’ll work itself out shortly since you’re exclusive and it’s been 6 months one way or the other. good luck
kendahke Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 20 minutes ago, muchlovetogive said: But, is it unreasonable to expect at least a text saying hello or letting me know he is busy or will call me later? I have spoken to him twice about this and he said he would try to do better. I haven't texted him all weekend, and he hasn't contacted me either all weekend. I haven't heard anything since Friday morning, and he will probably call me on Monday as if nothing ever happened. How reasonable/unreasonable it is depends upon the person involved. It sounds like he compartmentalizes his life--you are in a box that goes on the shelf from Thursday night til Monday morning and his kids are in another that he gets down off the shelf for those days. I would think that by the 6 month mark and a declaration of exclusivity that he would have figured out by now how to incorporate you in their lives. They're not 4 & 7---they're old enough to be out doing their thing with friends on the weekends, so I'm not getting why he's acting like they're small children--but that's how he's choosing to handle your situation. They may have issues with you being in their dad's life and he has chosen not to express that to you... I would suggest you taking some time to really think things out--if this is something that is starting to cause resentment to take root, it may be time for you to tell him how it makes you feel. He may continue to give you lip service--can you handle that and be content with what you do have? 4
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 39 minutes ago, Marc878 said: You aren’t unreasonable and I would be seeing this for what it is not what you want to see. Some are protective of their kids and don’t introduce them until they’re sure the relationship is going to work out. A friend of mine waited a year before introducing his kids to his gf. Which is a smart move. I am unsure what you mean by seeing it for what it is not what I want to see. What do I want to see? I also don't want to rush into meeting the kids until the time is right.
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 41 minutes ago, kendahke said: It sounds like he compartmentalizes his life--you are in a box that goes on the shelf from Thursday night til Monday morning and his kids are in another that he gets down off the shelf for those days. I would think that by the 6 month mark and a declaration of exclusivity that he would have figured out by now how to incorporate you in their lives. They're not 4 & 7---they're old enough to be out doing their thing with friends on the weekends, so I'm not getting why he's acting like they're small children--but that's how he's choosing to handle your situation. They may have issues with you being in their dad's life and he has chosen not to express that to you... I would suggest you taking some time to really think things out--if this is something that is starting to cause resentment to take root, it may be time for you to tell him how it makes you feel. He may continue to give you lip service--can you handle that and be content with what you do have? Honestly, my question was less about making the kids aware of me being in their lives and more about him just thinking about me or making contact with me at some point over the weekend. I would want to meet them at the right time. I still think 6 months may be a little soon. But, I didn't even think about the fact that he might be keeping me away from them for a specific reason. Should I ask him about it? That isn't the issue bothering me at the moment, but is this something I should nip in the bud sooner rather than later? I don't want to put pressure on him though, cuz I am not in a rush 1
Marc878 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 11 minutes ago, muchlovetogive said: Is this relationship heading in the right direction? Love can be blinding. See it for what it is. Some will read more into a relationship than what’s there. Not saying that’s the case. It maybe he’s playing it carefully and looking out for his kids. It’s early so not a bad thing. You’re smart not to rush or push. If you chase they do tend to move away. Patience. 2
BaileyB Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) When my boyfriend has his son, we would still send a few texts in the morning and at night - at minimum. Sometimes a phone call. Sometimes we would text throughout the day. In your case, it’s not like his kids are four and six and needing his attention every moment of every day. They are likely texting with their friends, watching you tube, or doing whatever else they do during the weekend... I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect some communication at some point during the weekend. Edited to add, six months is about when I met his son. Edited February 17, 2020 by BaileyB 2
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 8 minutes ago, BaileyB said: When my boyfriend has his son, we would still send a few texts in the morning and at night - at minimum. Sometimes a phone call. Sometimes we would text throughout the day. In your case, it’s not like his kids are four and six and needing his attention every moment of every day. They are likely texting with their friends, watching you tube, or doing whatever else they do during the weekend... I don’t think it’s unreasonable to expect some communication at some point during the weekend. Edited to add, six months is about when I met his son. To me, that sounds normal. I don't need to speak to him on the phone for an hour. A few texts here and there suffice. I've already mentioned it a couple times to him and it's been radio silence this weekend. I'm not sure what to do at this point.
Fletch Lives Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Not accepting texts on the weekend, and not answering texts within 24 hours is weird or rude. kids or not. Maybe you have bigger problems? Have you been to his place? If you have not, perhaps he does not answer because his wife is there. 7
Andy_K Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 His kids are old enough to both allow him time to text or call you, and meet you if he's serious about this relationship. It's been six months, not six weeks. How's the rest of the relationship progressing? Or is this perhaps the status quo and as far as he wants to take it?
Calmandfocused Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) Op I have 2 young children, 8 and 6 and I’m divorced. The children live with me full time and when I’m not at work they demand every second of my attention. It’s “mummy mummy mummy” constantly. However, to say I couldn’t send a text/ make a call is inaccurate. I do so when they’re playing, running outside, eating dinner, watching tv before bed etc etc. It can be done! Your mans daughters are 14/16. I very much doubt they demand every second of his attention. In fact I bet they spend a proportion of their time on their phones themselves. There is no reason why he couldn’t send you a text. I’ve said it before: in my opinion if a single parent uses “busyness with the kids” as an excuse to cease communication with their partner, then they aren’t emotionally ready, willing and able to let that person fully into their lives. Just my opinion. Edited February 17, 2020 by Calmandfocused 6
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 6 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Not accepting texts on the weekend, and not answering texts within 24 hours is weird or rude. kids or not. Maybe you have bigger problems? Have you been to his place? If you have not, perhaps he does not answer because his wife is there. Exactly, my first thoughts too. His kids are 14 and 17. What could he possibly be doing with them that means he has no time to keep in touch with you? They will be glued to their phones 24/7 and going out with their friends anyway most likely... Something just isn't right here. 2
Blind-Sided Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 As a single dad with 2 daughters (8 and 13)... as above... that's just rude !! There's no reason to not stay in contact. OK, I get he doesn't have them all the time... but since it's EVERY weekend... then that kills quality time he could be with you. I'm not saying he should put his kid aside... but he should at least take the 2 minutes, and text back. Also... as @elaine567 said... the kids are glued to their electronics, and I'm sure there is a lot of time that dad is just sitting on the couch. Heck... right now... I have one girl who sends me txt and snapchats 4 or 5 times a day. They make me smile, and I make sure I respond. If I was in your position... I would simply ask why he can't at least respond. 2
kendahke Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) 14 hours ago, muchlovetogive said: Honestly, my question was less about making the kids aware of me being in their lives and more about him just thinking about me or making contact with me at some point over the weekend. How much guilt does he have over the disruption of his children's lives over the divorce? When did this break up and divorce happen? He may not want to have conversations with his new girlfriend in front of/around his children who are still dealing with the disruption in their lives over the divorce, especially if he's the one who broke up the marriage. Even if his ex was the one, that doesn't negate wanting to avoid contributing to his daughters having issues with how their lives have taken a sharp left turn. Edited February 17, 2020 by kendahke
Starswillshine Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 His children would not be sleeping with him. It should not be an issue to at the very least send you a note good morning and goodnight. To have some sort of communication in the evening when everyone is going to bed. I get being present with your children; it is important, but I feel something is weird here. 3
Gaeta Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Does he tell you about his weekend when he gets back in touch on Mondays? Are they just relaxing home or they're on the run all weekend with sports and visiting grand-ma? Maybe he's not ready to tell the kids he is dating and if he starts texting they'll ask who you are, each time I get a text my 15 year old ask 'who's that'. Also how long has he divorced their mother? Maybe he feels a great deal of guilt for his divorce that when he's with his daughters he cannot be anything else than a father.
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Your communication needs are absolutely reasonable. I'm a single father of two teens and will respond as quick as I am able. If you two are exclusive, this status automatically dictates some regular communication. I think it's odd that he goes silent during the weekends when he has his kids. 2
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 This is why single people should stay away from parents. You should be enjoying great weekends with your bf, not sitting home alone whilst he tends to his kids and ignores you... 5
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) 12 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: Not accepting texts on the weekend, and not answering texts within 24 hours is weird or rude. kids or not. Maybe you have bigger problems? Have you been to his place? If you have not, perhaps he does not answer because his wife is there. I have been to his place and have my stuff and clothes there. Relationship has been progressing til now. He used to live and work about 15 min from my work place. But, this year he got promoted and now works an hour away and also just bought an investment house that he moved into and is constantly working on. I know how he works as well, once he gets started on work, he zones out and forgets the world. But I don't think that's an excuse not to even call or text me good night or let me know he thinks about me. I've already spoken to him about this too, I'm not sure if I should speak to him again or just quit. 10 hours ago, Andy_K said: His kids are old enough to both allow him time to text or call you, and meet you if he's serious about this relationship. It's been six months, not six weeks. How's the rest of the relationship progressing? Or is this perhaps the status quo and as far as he wants to take it? As far as progression, he has told me he wants another baby, as I am open to the idea. We are both 37. He said we would have to move in together first. Edited February 17, 2020 by muchlovetogive forgot to answer question that was quoted
FMW Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Your expectation for at least minimal communication on weekends is not at all unreasonable. But the reality is that he's showing what he will do or is capable of giving you. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks - he's being clear on what he's going to do. So like with everything else, that leaves it up to you to decide if you're willing to put up with it or not. You've brought it up to him, nothing has changed. Don't expect anything different going forward. Make your decisions on the relationship based on what is actually happening. He, like all of us, has his own reasons for why he does things the way he does. But you get to decide whether or not you want to deal with him or move along. 1
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 6 hours ago, elaine567 said: Exactly, my first thoughts too. His kids are 14 and 17. What could he possibly be doing with them that means he has no time to keep in touch with you? They will be glued to their phones 24/7 and going out with their friends anyway most likely... Something just isn't right here. I don't think the ex is there. I still haven't confirmed what their relationship is really like. Only thing he tells me is that they are always arguing on the phone. Also, they would only be at his house because he goes to pick them up in another state more than an hour away and brings them to his place.
2BGoodAgain Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) honestly, it isn't about whether or not you're being reasonable or unreasonable... but the REAL question is.... is this the kind of relationship you want? is this level of complete and utter nothing, something you're ok with? guys are different, but i have to say it only takes 5 seconds to send a single text to say "hi, i miss you". 5 seconds out of an entire weekend. which is.. 48 hrs, 2880 mins, or 172,800 seconds. Let's say he sleeps 8 hrs a day. That's 16 hrs or 57,600 seconds he's unconscious... THAT's understandable. you don't expect a text while he's asleep. But in the 115,200 seconds he's conscious and awake, he can't take 5 seconds out of 115,200 seconds to say "hi, i miss you"? That's your priority in his life. Actions speak louder than words. Edited February 17, 2020 by 2BGoodAgain 4
BaileyB Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) 14 minutes ago, 2BGoodAgain said: the REAL question is.... is this the kind of relationship you want? Every relationship is different, and relationships progress differently. That said, at six months we were texting everyday. We were spending almost everyday together when he didn’t have his son - not always a lot of time, something he would just stop in to say hello or we would meet for a quick drink. I had been to his home and was staying over the weekends he didn’t have his son. We had told each other that we loved each other. He has met my family and we had met friends. He was talking about introducing me to his son - wanting to introduce me to his son. It’s not always easy to find the time - with work, maintaining two homes, children, and other life commitments. But those who are truly interested do. Flexibility are realistic expectations are important. I used to think, evidence that the relationship was progressing was important - at whatever speed felt natural. As long as he was committing to make the time and we were moving forward. He was showing me by his actions that this was a serious relationship to him and he wanted things to move forward come together. And, I would say that we progressed slowly... We actually knew each other for about three months before we started to date (so, it was actually nine months). I only offer this as one example, to help you to process what is happening in your relationship and what you want for your future. Good luck. Edited February 17, 2020 by BaileyB 1
Author muchlovetogive Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 5 hours ago, Blind-Sided said: As a single dad with 2 daughters (8 and 13)... as above... that's just rude !! There's no reason to not stay in contact. OK, I get he doesn't have them all the time... but since it's EVERY weekend... then that kills quality time he could be with you. I'm not saying he should put his kid aside... but he should at least take the 2 minutes, and text back. Also... as @elaine567 said... the kids are glued to their electronics, and I'm sure there is a lot of time that dad is just sitting on the couch. Heck... right now... I have one girl who sends me txt and snapchats 4 or 5 times a day. They make me smile, and I make sure I respond. If I was in your position... I would simply ask why he can't at least respond. He's already told me he was busy painting, apologized, and told me he would respond now. The issue now is, I haven't contacted him all weekend to see if he even would think to contact me and say hi and he didn't. 1 hour ago, kendahke said: How much guilt does he have over the disruption of his children's lives over the divorce? When did this break up and divorce happen? He may not want to have conversations with his new girlfriend in front of/around his children who are still dealing with the disruption in their lives over the divorce, especially if he's the one who broke up the marriage. Even if his ex was the one, that doesn't negate wanting to avoid contributing to his daughters having issues with how their lives have taken a sharp left turn. I'm not sure about his guilt. I think it definitely exists, but we haven't spoken too much in depth about it. Maybe I should ask? He wasn't married to his ex, but they were together 9 years and broke up about 10 years ago. 1 hour ago, Starswillshine said: His children would not be sleeping with him. It should not be an issue to at the very least send you a note good morning and goodnight. To have some sort of communication in the evening when everyone is going to bed. I get being present with your children; it is important, but I feel something is weird here. I totally agree with you. At first, when I confronted him, I asked for at least a reply to my text. Now, should I ask for a minimum of contact at night? 1 hour ago, Gaeta said: Does he tell you about his weekend when he gets back in touch on Mondays? Are they just relaxing home or they're on the run all weekend with sports and visiting grand-ma? Maybe he's not ready to tell the kids he is dating and if he starts texting they'll ask who you are, each time I get a text my 15 year old ask 'who's that'. Also how long has he divorced their mother? Maybe he feels a great deal of guilt for his divorce that when he's with his daughters he cannot be anything else than a father. Sometimes he's vague with details when I ask about what they do. And when I called him out on it, he said he likes to keep his life with them separate from with me and when the time is right, he will bring them together. I left it at that. But, how does just telling me what they did over the weekend combine us? He was with her for 9 years and they broke up 10 years ago. He is sensitive and he may have some guilt. He talks to me about issues with my father and he said he knows how my father feels. *****Also, I totally forgot this, but when I asked him why he's so nonexistent on the weekends, he did tell me that after not seeing his kids all week, it takes time for them to get comfortable and open up to him again. He is caring and sensitive to their feelings. I can imagine he really puts his whole heart into being present with them. 52 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said: Your communication needs are absolutely reasonable. I'm a single father of two teens and will respond as quick as I am able. If you two are exclusive, this status automatically dictates some regular communication. I think it's odd that he goes silent during the weekends when he has his kids. That sounds right to me... 39 minutes ago, elaine567 said: This is why single people should stay away from parents. You should be enjoying great weekends with your bf, not sitting home alone whilst he tends to his kids and ignores you... I was a little bummed when I found out he had kids. I thought since his were more grown than my ex's kids, he might have more free time, which is true, but it doesn't seem to be enough for me. I am starting to consider breaking up and finding a single guy without kids....
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 1 minute ago, muchlovetogive said: I am starting to consider breaking up and finding a single guy without kids.. Good idea. 2
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