Author Luciano_88 Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 23 minutes ago, lana-banana said: She has already said she puts a high priority on being forthright. You should have told her or at least mentioned it in an offhand way. It's not only a dealbreaker for many, but it's also a major part of your identity. By not bringing it up quickly, she will probably feel like you've lied by omission. There are some things that are best to reveal early on when dating even if they're somewhat private, like your stance on kids (do you want them? can you have them?) or parts of your medical record (STDs? alcoholism? drug use?), because these are extremely important issues when people are picking a partner. While I think most of that stuff can happen sometime in the first three months, your status as a parent should really be front and center on any profile. The alternative is way too suspicious. I think that you are ignoring the personal side of the story, the fact that I have my own feelings and am a human, and need some time to discuss this and bring it up, like other personal things. It's not as mechanical and automated as you describe it, we are not talking about a spread sheet with 'Kids, do you want them ? Y/N', 'Alcohol?' Y/N... Let alone the feeling about the other person, which suddenly reveals whether someone is dishonest and has bad intentions or not (and this is not my case). Also, let us be reasonable, the second date is 'early on when dating', I am not talking about telling her about this at the tenth date...
Author Luciano_88 Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, elaine567 said: You claimed to be childless, she brought it up, you said nothing about your child, now you are going to have to tell her about your kid. You denied your child, I guess she is not going to like that. any more than she liked the guys being sketchy about ,their marital status. Here is the definition of the verb 'to claim': "State or assert that something is the case, typically without providing evidence or proof". As a result, you are wrong, I did not claim to be childless. The same is true for denying my child. I suggest that you think more about the correctness of the sentences that you write. Edited February 17, 2020 by Luciano_88 Revisions
BaileyB Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) My partner told me the very first day we met. I appreciated the honesty. He said it was a deal breaker for some women - but to my mind, I would want to know that sooner than later. I think you need to tell her the next time you meet. It becomes really awkward when you’ve know the woman for longer, and then say “oh yeah, there is something I forgot to tell you...” This is not “I forgot to tell you that I’m vegetarian” - this is “I have a child and this will be a major consideration in any relationship that I have.” You need to be honest, she needs to know. Edited February 17, 2020 by BaileyB 2
BaileyB Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) 34 minutes ago, Luciano_88 said: I agree, I was going to bring this up at the beginning of the second date indeed. Or even before... I could also write her an open text and describe the situation, I have no issue with this. But maybe it is way better to say these things in person, what do you think? I would suggest that you do it in person - if you are truly interested in continuing to explore a relationship with this woman. Texting is for confirming plans and what to pick up on the way home at the grocery store... this is a conversation you should have in person. Edited February 17, 2020 by BaileyB
BaileyB Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) 3 hours ago, introverted1 said: So basically, she asked and you lied by omission. It's not the presence of a child that would bother me (although a 3 yo means many, many years of raising said child), it's that you were essentially asked whether you had (or wanted) a child and said nothing. Agree. The other thing that would cause me concern is the fact that you “recently broke up with your partner,” the child’s mother. Edited February 17, 2020 by BaileyB 3
FMW Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Unless the woman's profile on the dating app says she's only looking for something casual, I think there are certain things that should be discussed within the first or second actual meeting, and no later. Those things include children. Being on a dating app, again unless it's specifically disclosed as being for only casual intentions, means that you are meeting to see if you might be compatible as romantic partners. Having children is one of those BIG considerations in determining that compatibility. So I think if you see each other again, you definitely need to tell her about your son. I don't believe any of your dates should ever actual meet him until you are pretty far down the road in knowing whether or not things are really going somewhere. But she absolutely needs to be aware of his existence. I am sure you are proud of your son, of being his father. Parents bring up their kids with total strangers. So NOT bringing him up can seem odd. I see from your last post that you DO want to tell her about him sooner than later, so to answer that question, I would arrange a date and then tell her in person, not over text or messaging. 2
kendahke Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 10 hours ago, Fletch Lives said: This is not unusual. It's normal for parents to protect their children - you don't know this woman. There is no reason to mention you have a child - the child's safety is more important than satisfying your date's curiosity. Children come first. Period. End of discussion! mentioning one has a child and meeting that child are two completely different things. 6
kendahke Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) 4 hours ago, Luciano_88 said: Like I said, from the conversation I don't think at all that she does not want a guy with kids. And I agree with you that it is bad to hide it for a while, but here we are talking about the first date... this is not a while... "I don't think" = I'm speculating. Don't presume to know what her feelings are--after all, it's only been one date, not a year of dating. Edited February 17, 2020 by kendahke 1
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 4 minutes ago, BaileyB said: The other thing that would cause me concern is the fact that you “recently broke up with your partner,” the child’s mother. That I guess was the other thing the OP wanted to keep under wraps. "So, you have a 3yo child, when did you and the mother split up?" "Recently..." "How recent..." 3
kendahke Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 4 hours ago, Luciano_88 said: we were talking about visiting family and friends in the city where I am from, she said 'And they don't ask you "When will you make us a nephew?"'. So yes, in this sense it has come up, and I didn't feel like getting the whole thing out, although I am planning to do it next time. Maybe this was a mistake. it most likely was... she was asking you if you had children and if you didn't answer her question truthfully, that will stick with her 1
lana-banana Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 1 hour ago, Luciano_88 said: I think that you are ignoring the personal side of the story, the fact that I have my own feelings and am a human, and need some time to discuss this and bring it up, like other personal things. It's not as mechanical and automated as you describe it, we are not talking about a spread sheet with 'Kids, do you want them ? Y/N', 'Alcohol?' Y/N... This is exactly why you put it on a profile - get it out in the open, spare yourself an awkward conversation, and let the other person decide if they want to meet you or keep moving. I know these things don't always come up naturally, but her nephew question was as direct as it could be without outright asking, and you whiffed the answer. The sooner you correct the record, the better, but it may not end how you want it to. If I were in her shoes I'd be pissed unless you had a pretty solid explanation. 6
SunnySide0418 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 You're acting as if you're ashamed you have a child. That should have been one of the first things you told her! It's a big deal. Especially the younger they are. How old is your child? How often do you see him or her? 2
Gaeta Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 I agree you acted as someone having a dirty secret. Having a child defines who you are and what you do with your time. It's imperative you put in your profile that you are a father. There is nothing dangerous about specifying you are a father in an online profile. If I were this woman I wouldn't be impressed at all by your behavior. 1
Miss Spider Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 3 hours ago, Luciano_88 said: Here is the definition of the verb 'to claim': "State or assert that something is the case, typically without providing evidence or proof". As a result, you are wrong, I did not claim to be childless. The same is true for denying my child. I suggest that you think more about the correctness of the sentences that you write. You can split hairs on definitions, but for many people, omission in certain circumstances is deceptive. 5
chillii Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Couldn't imagine not knowing or asking each other such natural stuff first few email or a ph call. l get the privacy aspect but it's a need to know thing .
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) Do you have children? Yes/No. Before you ever meet or on first date. Heck, it should be in your profile. If not asked, you tell. Non-negotiable. Absolutely NEED TO KNOW. Edited February 18, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020 1
Noproblem Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) I don't like people who hide their kids, but I understand why you did it. I think you should tell her ASAP.. As a matter of fact.. Mention your kid etc.. Edited February 18, 2020 by Noproblem
CloudyHead Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 @Luciano_88 - I did not read everyone's posts so I am responding to you not bringing up the fact that you have a child. Yes, I think it's odd that you did not mention it. I had this exact discussion with my hairdresser last week - she went on a date (7 hour date) with a guy who never mentioned his son. Never even said he has a son. He has a 3 year old. I understand that you don't want to talk about the separation from your child's mother but talking about your child is different. As a side note, I went on a date with a guy who, at the end of the date, said he would not go on a second date because I have kids and he didn't want to date a woman with kids. My response was you knew I had kids before we went on a date so why bother with a date. His response was that he wanted to meet me and would go on a second date if I had no kids. Weird. 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 14 hours ago, CloudyHead said: As a side note, I went on a date with a guy who, at the end of the date, said he would not go on a second date because I have kids and he didn't want to date a woman with kids. My response was you knew I had kids before we went on a date so why bother with a date. His response was that he wanted to meet me and would go on a second date if I had no kids. Weird. Huh!? He knew you had children, but would have gone on a second if you didn’t? I wonder if he realized how dumb that response was?
Art_Critic Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 14 hours ago, CloudyHead said: His response was that he wanted to meet me and would go on a second date if I had no kids. Weird. IMO it was how hot he felt you were, he wasn't telling you the truth and was trying to not be an ass, that is why it sounded so weird. Any guy would go out on a second date if he felt she was so hot and he felt he could get some, kids or not... 1
JTSW Posted February 19, 2020 Posted February 19, 2020 On 2/17/2020 at 6:06 AM, assertives said: Frankly, you should have told her before the first date even happened. I completely agree with this. Yes, you should've been honest about it before going on a date. I don't think she will be very happy that you waited to tell her something so big. It doesn't bode well for you and will make her wonder what else you aren't telling her. When i met my husband the first thing he told me was that he had a 3 yr old son. It allowed me time to consider if i wanted to date him, which i did. I wouldn't have been happy if he dated me and told me about it later.
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