Luciano_88 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) Dear all, I am a 30's male, met a woman recently from a dating app. We are both looking for a relationship. We decided to meet, the meeting lasted a couple hours, and went very well. The issue is that I recently broke up with my partner, which whom I was not married, and have a young child. While talking about online dating, this woman mentioned that she has met some men who claimed to be divorced, and asked them about their divorce in two separate occasions, and got different answers. She said that this meant that the guy was lying, and it was enough to make her stop dating them. Also, she mentioned that she does not want to get into situations where the guy did not fully split up with his partner and still lives with her, and that she wants a clean, straight situation where there was a clean break up. Fortunately this is my case, because I have found a place to stay on my own, and have not had any relationship with my partner for longer than six months. I completely understand her point of view and agree with it, and I value honesty. I was tempted to bring up my split up and my kid during the conversation, but I was scared, I felt it was too early, and things were going so well, that I was afraid to kill the mood. Also, she did not ask about it, nor I asked whether she has kids. I am an honest guy, and have no intention to hide this information from my future partner, and I think that mutual respect it key in dating. Did I blow this by not mentioning during the first date? Will it be too late if I mention this on our second date? Edited February 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Anonymize
littleblackheart Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Well I guess you'll find out when you see her next. If it didn't come up, it didn't come up. It's a bit unusual though, tbh. Is there any specific reason why you don't mention you are a father on your dating profile? 26 minutes ago, Luciano_88 said: Did I blow this by not mentioning during the first date? Will it be too late if I mention this on our second date?
Miss Spider Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) I suppose you can tell her on the next date, but perhaps put you’re a parent in your profile. Some people choose not to date people with kids, so best to get that out of the way. Edited February 17, 2020 by Cookiesandough 4
kendahke Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 46 minutes ago, Luciano_88 said: Did I blow this by not mentioning during the first date? Will it be too late if I mention this on our second date? I don't necessarily think so because you are not married, so you're not divorced, and you no longer cohabitate with your child's mother. However, there is such a thing as "lying by omission"---and you omitting the fact that you do have a very small child and therefore still have some interaction with his/her mother may be something that causes her to step back. I'd have an "I need to clarify something with you so there's no misunderstanding" conversation with her and face the consequences like an adult. But you really should own up to the fact that you have a child in your profile. I'd have an issue with a man who denies his child like that because eventually, the truth is going to out. 3
Fletch Lives Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 This is not unusual. It's normal for parents to protect their children - you don't know this woman. There is no reason to mention you have a child - the child's safety is more important than satisfying your date's curiosity. Children come first. Period. End of discussion!
assertives Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Frankly, you should have told her before the first date even happened. There are people out there who do not want to date single parents, so it's something you should leave in your profile or mention in the begining so you don't waste each other's time. That said, I'd tell her before the 2nd date or at the 2nd date. The longer you wait, the harder it'll be to tell her. 2
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 If you didn't mention it in your profile and she didn't ask, I would consider it a non-issue and leave it unsaid unless she directly asks or it comes up in conversation. Yeah, if she is looking for a meal ticket, she'll be put off, but otherwise, its your business, not hers.
IntBrowser Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 I mean I can see why he didnt mention it because it may have been a deal breaker in the past. Like in my case I dont mention I dont have a car right away because I try to win her over with my personality. Women do the same thing about their living situation. I cant tell you the number of woman who dont mention they dont live alone right away and I always assumed they did and found out they live with family. So we all have things we feel may cancel us out if we reveal them too soon. I had a woman not want to meet me after finding out I didnt drive lol You would have thought I told her I was in a wheel chair. And this was a woman with a kid
Andy_K Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 37 minutes ago, IntBrowser said: I mean I can see why he didnt mention it because it may have been a deal breaker in the past. It's an interesting dilemma actually.... on the one hand, there are people out there who 100% will not consider anyone with kids, and not giving them the information to make that decision up front seems unfair. On the other hand though, there are a significant number who either think they won't, or say they'd prefer not to, but will then completely change their tune after a successful date or two. So being too up front can result in shooting yourself in the foot, or at least vastly increasing your chances of being overlooked for someone else. Either way, if you're dating someone who's looking for a relationship, you need to bring it up in the first couple dates. 1
IntBrowser Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 1 minute ago, Andy_K said: It's an interesting dilemma actually.... on the one hand, there are people out there who 100% will not consider anyone with kids, and not giving them the information to make that decision up front seems unfair. On the other hand though, there are a significant number who either think they won't, or say they'd prefer not to, but will then completely change their tune after a successful date or two. So being too up front can result in shooting yourself in the foot, or at least vastly increasing your chances of being overlooked for someone else. Either way, if you're dating someone who's looking for a relationship, you need to bring it up in the first couple dates. Some of the women I talked online usually slip it in during the middle of a conversation about a certain type of food "oh you like mexican food. My son always was a fan of tacos" LOL 3
Author Luciano_88 Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) ** Sorry, I forgot this important detail **: From what she said, it appeared that dating a man with kids is not a problem for her. In fact, she said that she wanted someone with a 'clean start', i.e., clearly divorced and who does not live with his family anymore, and that she would not want to get in a complicated situation where it would take years go get a divorce. This really sounded to me like she was someone open minded and kids where not the issue. On top of this, she is older than myself, so it must not be unusual for her to date men with kids. Edited February 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Remove duplicate content and anonymize
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 I think most will assume that if you have a kid(s), you are going to say so very early doors. The fact you didn't during the chat about histories was not good IMO. That was her way of testing the water and I guess she now assumes you are single with no kids. There is a train of thought that says you get someone hooked, and then you bring up the potential deal breakers. They will be so enamoured they will overlook almost anything. That to me is a short term fix, at some point they are going to wake up and revert to their old position. If you don't want a guy with kids, you don't want a guy with kids, you are not going to change your mind over something so important if he hides it from you for a while... Kids lives are not something you can gamble with, you want someone who is 100% fully on board not someone who has been tricked into accepting them. How would you feel if 3 dates later you find this woman has 5 kids and a crazy ex... that she just failed to mention as things were going so well? 2
Erik30 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) 6 hours ago, Luciano_88 said: On top of this, she is older than myself, so it must not be unusual for her to date men with kids. I wouldn't just assume that. Some people make the conscious decision not to have kids, so why would she want to be dealing with someone else's at her age? To be fair, I might be projecting because I would never date a single mom. I always hate it when there is no trace of kids in a profile, but then the girl reveals later on that she's a mom... It's a deal breaker for me. Edited February 17, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator Edit quote 2
Aus Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 it didn't come up on date lasting a couple of hours? HOW? I would feel deceived. Did you mention that you only recently got out of a relationship with your baby momma? It seems as though after learning about her frustrations with men lying to her about their circumstances, made you purposely omit critical deal-breaking information about your life. not a good start. tell her already, so that she can make informed decisions about you 3
Author Luciano_88 Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 25 minutes ago, Aus said: it didn't come up on date lasting a couple of hours? HOW? I would feel deceived. Did you mention that you only recently got out of a relationship with your baby momma? It seems as though after learning about her frustrations with men lying to her about their circumstances, made you purposely omit critical deal-breaking information about your life. not a good start. tell her already, so that she can make informed decisions about you I honestly think that this is a bit exaggerated. Like I said, having a kid did not seem a deal breaker at all for her. A deal breaker would be a man still living with their family, and promising to move out in the near future, which is not my case. Like others pointed out, you need to understand that talking about one's kid and separation is something very personal, and one may not want to bring it up with someone whom you met two days ago. You would be right if I had been hiding this for her for a lot of dates, but this is not going to happen. The question here was whether to tell her on the first or at the beginning of the second...
Art_Critic Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) I don't understand how you leave that out.. even though I'm married today if I wasn't and was dating nothing could stop me from telling them all about my kid.. my child is the reason I get up in the morning and go about my day, I can't wait some days to get home to go to baseball practice or whatever.. I would want any potential date to know that since it is who I am. I think you made a very important fundamental error and it shows me where your child sits on the scale of trying to get some vs facing life full on. I say at the very least you not go out with her again until this gets straightened out. you never know how someone will react to being deceived when they come clean ASAP, it will go in your favor if you do it quickly.. she may not have an issue with it, who knows.. she may have kids too that she hasn't told you about Edited February 17, 2020 by Art_Critic 1 2
Blind-Sided Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 I think most of the above is all good. My only thought is... if you side-stepped the question somehow. So, if the conversation about kids came up, and you kept that info to yourself... it may not be good later. If kids never came up... then you are ok. But I would bring it up next time. For me, this is something that has come to mind a few times. But since my oldest kid is with me so much... it's hard to hide the fact since I can't go out on a whim.
Author Luciano_88 Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, elaine567 said: If you don't want a guy with kids, you don't want a guy with kids, you are not going to change your mind over something so important if he hides it from you for a while... Like I said, from the conversation I don't think at all that she does not want a guy with kids. And I agree with you that it is bad to hide it for a while, but here we are talking about the first date... this is not a while... Edited February 17, 2020 by Luciano_88 Revision
Author Luciano_88 Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 8 minutes ago, Blind-Sided said: I think most of the above is all good. My only thought is... if you side-stepped the question somehow. So, if the conversation about kids came up, and you kept that info to yourself... it may not be good later. If kids never came up... then you are ok. But I would bring it up next time. For me, this is something that has come to mind a few times. But since my oldest kid is with me so much... it's hard to hide the fact since I can't go out on a whim. Now that you make me think about it, when we were talking about visiting family and friends in the city where I am from, she said 'And they don't ask you "When will you make us a nephew?"'. So yes, in this sense it has come up, and I didn't feel like getting the whole thing out, although I am planning to do it next time. Maybe this was a mistake. 1
Art_Critic Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) You need to learn that talking about your life with your child doesn't have to mean talking about your ex, unless she asked that is the info you would keep private but why would you feel the need to keep that fact you have a child private ? If you think "getting the whole thing out" is an issue I would think you need to simplify whatever it is in your head, there isn't "a whole thing".. you are a Dad.. that is who you are.. Edited February 17, 2020 by Art_Critic 2
Caauug Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 5 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: If you didn't mention it in your profile and she didn't ask, I would consider it a non-issue and leave it unsaid unless she directly asks or it comes up in conversation. Yeah, if she is looking for a meal ticket, she'll be put off, but otherwise, its your business, not hers. I agree^^^^^. Now to save your and her time bring it up soon, it might be a red flag to her. I have dated single mums... they can be fun too. At the time I was not looking to be a ready made dad. It should mean heaps to you so share what is important in your life if you plan on keeping her.
introverted1 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 51 minutes ago, Luciano_88 said: Now that you make me think about it, when we were talking about visiting family and friends in the city where I am from, she said 'And they don't ask you "When will you make us a nephew?"'. So yes, in this sense it has come up, and I didn't feel like getting the whole thing out, although I am planning to do it next time. Maybe this was a mistake. So basically, she asked and you lied by omission. It's not the presence of a child that would bother me (although a 3 yo means many, many years of raising said child), it's that you were essentially asked whether you had (or wanted) a child and said nothing. I think you need to clear this up right away and, even then, it may be too late. 3
elaine567 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 12 hours ago, Luciano_88 said: While talking about online dating, this woman mentioned that she has met some men who claimed to be divorced, and asked them about their divorce in two separate occasions, and got different answers. She said that this meant that the guy was lying, and it was enough to make her stop dating them You claimed to be childless, she brought it up, you said nothing about your child, now you are going to have to tell her about your kid. You denied your child, I guess she is not going to like that. any more than she liked the guys being sketchy about ,their marital status. 2
lana-banana Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 She has already said she puts a high priority on being forthright. You should have told her or at least mentioned it in an offhand way. It's not only a dealbreaker for many, but it's also a major part of your identity. By not bringing it up quickly, she will probably feel like you've lied by omission. There are some things that are best to reveal early on when dating even if they're somewhat private, like your stance on kids (do you want them? can you have them?) or parts of your medical record (STDs? alcoholism? drug use?), because these are extremely important issues when people are picking a partner. While I think most of that stuff can happen sometime in the first three months, your status as a parent should really be front and center on any profile. The alternative is way too suspicious. 2
Author Luciano_88 Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 19 minutes ago, lana-banana said: She has already said she puts a high priority on being forthright. You should have told her or at least mentioned it in an offhand way. It's not only a dealbreaker for many, but it's also a major part of your identity. By not bringing it up quickly, she will probably feel like you've lied by omission. There are some things that are best to reveal early on when dating even if they're somewhat private, like your stance on kids (do you want them? can you have them?) or parts of your medical record (STDs? alcoholism? drug use?), because these are extremely important issues when people are picking a partner. While I think most of that stuff can happen sometime in the first three months, your status as a parent should really be front and center on any profile. The alternative is way too suspicious. I agree, I was going to bring this up at the beginning of the second date indeed. Or even before... I could also write her an open text and describe the situation, I have no issue with this. But maybe it is way better to say these things in person, what do you think?
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