he declares love months after breakup while in another relationship

[smokeybones]

Ok, here it goes. I broke off a 4 year relationship that during the relationship we said that we didn't have long-term potential. We weren't communicative at all about our feelings but fell in love. We had been friends for over 10 years before we started dating. He had always been very supportive of me and encouraged me to live my life exactly how I wanted and that was the fist ime anyobe in my life had been so supportive of me. I moved away though we still talked and IM all the time, still dating but then I pushed him away quite glibly (and now I realize cruely) by making him say out loud that we had irreconciable differences (ones I now seriously question as I have been spending the past month in deep introspection on my life goals and realized that many of them weren't mine but my parents). I hurt him deeply but he never said a word and now says that he didn't want to tell me how strong his feelings were for me because he wanted me to do whatever I wanted in life without compromise. We never acknowledged the conversation and kept talking like we were still dating (miss you, kisses, hearts during IM, etc).

 

So, then one night a few months later he tells me that he has fallen in love with his friends wife who was now filing for divorce!!! They couple had been having problems and he was there for her (during this time he wass also hanging out with the husband and the two of them as a couple!!!!!) Shock of my life - that this could be in his character to do such a thing (I have known him for 15 years and he has always been a man of integrity with a definite sense of right and wrong), I also had no idea that he was even interested in someone, and all the while he had been treating me like we were still together even though technically we were broken up.

 

I went off on him - not about hurting me but about how horrible what he had done to his friend and that he was being used as a pawn as the only way she could get her husband to agree to stop going to counseling and get a divorce was to sleep with his friend. He responded with the typical "we didn't mean to hurt anyone" bullsh#! The next morning l apologized via email that I had not let him know how much it hurt me to tell me he loved someone else when he had only said it to me a handful of times in many years. When he got the email he called me crying telling me he loves me and pouring his heart out. This goes on and off for a couple of weeks, we admit that this is going to be hard and that this is serious (we are in our 30s), he asks me to be patient, that he wants to try, he is confused. When I asked him to explain treating me the same sending hearts and telling me sweet dreams on the phone for the last three months he declares he loves me. Other days he is cold and is all "I've moved on". Even though he is in another relationship I don't see how he can have possibly moved on if he is still telling me he loves me, telling me to be patient that he doesn't want to be an emotional cripple, crying to me that he can't lose me out of his life, etc. Yet, he is still with his friends soon to be ex-wife.

 

I had been pushing away the extent of my true feelings for him for years (we both have very poor communication skills as well as he didn't have enough a good enough job as far as important people in my life were concerned). After I sent the email (which did not include a declaration of love but of being there for him and allowing your friends to make mistakes) his walls broke down and he opened up with me. Now that I admited how strong they were to myself and him, I am stuck here going absolutely crazy. One minute sad and the next mad as h#*^. After a few weeks of this back and forth I sent him an email saying that I needed some space, which he has respected. I suppose thats a no contact request. But we also agreed to see each other in a couple of weeks when I am in town.

 

On one hand I am so sad thinking I may have to end one of the longest frienships I have because of how he is treating me now as well as the additional hurt of still having hope we can work this out. Other times I thank god we don't live in the same town or I would have gone to his house and screamed at him - I am very angry that he dropped all his feelings for me in my lap and then acts like he never said them, making this all so much worse. I had been sad about losing him as a lover but since there had been no declarations of love previously, it was a little easier. Sometimes I think I should just disappear out of his life for my own sake regardless of the fact that I promised him I wouldn't (he has serious abandoment issues and I do truly care for him). Also I hate the idea that by continuing to be his friend he is getting his cake and eating it to so to speak. Anyone ever been in this type of situation? Advice?

[Esteban1931]

I've done some crazy things too becuase my gf dumped me. You don't think hes hooked up with his best friends wife (which is so wrong) because hes confused because he knows he still loves you?

[smokeybones]

I think he hooked up with her because she was there and very readily available as whe didn't have the where-with-all to break it off with her husband. We never had a serious discussion about us breaking up but one night a few months ago I was very flippant to him and made him admit we had irreconcilable. Now we didn't talk about this, we just kept on talking like we were still dating. But I know it hurt him deeply. I was also at the time very much out of touch with my own feelings. I was going down a path thinking I needed a rich husband and kids but over the past few months have realized that those were not my goals but my families. And thats the primart reason I put out there for why we wouldn't work out.

 

So yes, I do think his hurt and vulnerability played a large part in hin turning to her, doing something totally out of character for him. Peole with broken hearts tend to latch on to someone else in an attempt to feel better. It works as a distraction but in time Ithink it always comes back to bite you in the butt. He has always displayed such a strong sense of rith and wrong, to the point of not even associating and displaying only the bare minimum of civility when he had no choice to be in the company of those he did not feel had strong character. I don't think he did it to hurt me. I think he needed comfort and physical contact, a quick-fix. As far as I know he is still with her. It's easy, exciting, convenient, no hard discussions. She is getting fun, attention sex and the divorces she wanted from her husband. And he has a distraction from dealing with his feelings for me. I accept that he is confused but it is really hard. And it's easy for him to not think about it because I am 12 hours away.

 

Though I am an absolute mess daily. I am taking this time to look deep into myself and work on my issues with my family and get in touch with my inner desires. Looking at how I got so off path with being in touch with my heart, so that it doesnot hapen again. I do think she is a distraction to him from the deep love that he feels for me. Because that kind of love is hard sometimes, it takes work to have the where-with-all to be with a person long term. Our society romaticized love and marriage to the point that people give up very easily. We always want the quick fix, the instant gratification but all the people I know that are in good relationships, admit that they are not easy. Compromise and honesty are necessary, as well as knowing that your partner has the ability to hurt you and over the years and sometimes will but you work through it to strengthen your bond. Do you think it is possible that he is transferring some of his feelings for me onto her? I don't know how men think. But I'm finging it next to impossible to believe that the feelings he expressed to me about his love for me while crying and having a very emotional discussion, opening up and being vulnerable in a way with each other that we had never been before, aren't true.

[Esteban1931]

Yeah i think he might just be projecting his need of you onto her. It is tough to replace a love that was solid. Was your love with him solid? For how long? I've been with my ex for 6 and a half yrs and we're taking a break. It's killing me but she says she needs time to herself. Are you religious at all? I am and I pray to God that she comes back but also that I can change into the person I should have grown into anyway. Enough immaturity! I've noticed that helps get through the day. I know if you have'nt been close to God that it feels weird to try now since you wnat something but I think he likes that you'd make an attempt. It's weird but it does make me feel better at times. I mean I am an absolute mess too but at times I feel better. You're situation sounds a lot like mine!!!! I pushed her away too and then questioned why in the world I did that! I know now that for some reason I didn't think I was good enough. Finally yes because I know if someone came into my life now, some of the feelings I have for my ex would definitely be transferred to this new person...that is until i realize its not the same. I hope he realizes it and wants you back 100%. itll give me hope that my ex will realize the same thing. We're only 2 hrs away so i share some of the long distance issues you do but hope for the best for you.

[Esteban1931]

Oh yeah. whatd u think of my update? thread"do women really need time?" I think there just might be some inkling of life left in my relationship. Although this morning i pic messaged her and she didnt respond. I kinda knew she wouldnt. I mean she did say she needs time. She said shes gonna call my bday on oct 16. I hope she does.

[smokeybones]

I do pray but my faith is not the suh that it can help me with this. I comletely undersatnd how hard it is to send messages with no response. even though I asked for space it kills me that he hasn't even attempted to call, IM or email. Unfortunately the only reality I have is that he is happy with her and she iswhat he needs right now. I cry everyday. I also know him very well and when thigs are difficult her pushed his emotions wau down and goes into denial. And I can't stop him from doing it and I have so little hope that he would give up a relationship that is new, exciting and easy fro one that hard discussions about future will nedd to be discusses. And as much as I hear people saying why would you want someone that doesn't want to deal with the hard stuff - life is hard - I just believe in him. I'm supposed to see him in two weeks and I just have to be patient. He asked me to be patient, so here I sit.

 

If you have recognized some of the things that harmed your relationship with your ex, then youshuld concentrate on making some changes in yourself. I have a lot of issues with my family that I now realize negatively effected me and thus my relationship with him. So I am seeing a counselor to work thru them. It is going to be a long, hard prcess . I have to spend time concentrating on me, getting myself better ro deal with the hard stuff and being emotionally available. Though I have what may be a ridiculous, unrealistic hope for us, the bottom line is if I am better, I will be capable of being better withsome else later. Admitting your shorcomings and character flaws is hard but necessary if you truly want to change. If one of your issues is immaturity, you need to reflect on that, identify what you are immature about, why you react the way you do, and also the big one - what are you afraid of?