greymatter Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 20 hours ago, skanzer said: It wasn't my intention to side-track the conversation on to this topic. I never drink with my gf, and since she started living with me it has helped me cut down more than before. I usually drink if she stays at her parents place which is 1-2 days a week, or while she's working and I'm home, but generally I've cut down since she started living with me. I know it sounds like I'm a full blown alcoholic, but my drinking I mentioned usually involves a 3-4 hour time usually at night before bed, it's not an all day thing, but the amount and consistency of drinking over the years is dangerous for my physical and mental health I believe. And yes I drink when I'm out of the country, or not around her. She wouldn't suspect this at all, I didn't let it get in the way of our relationship, and it's something I will not say to to her, I think I just need to quit. I also think this new job could help, because I'll actually have a structured day, rather than so much freedom like I've had these years. I’m no expert on alcoholism but I’ve known a few at close range, my ex-FIL being one, and more relevant, a previous boyfriend who hid his alcoholism from me and never, ever drank around me, not even once. I know you don’t wish to sidetrack this thread by talking about your drinking but it’s an integral part of who you are right now and not a minor issue. As my ex BF would say after we broke up and we were doing a post mortem about things, you are just a “dry drunk” when you are with her and not drinking, so justifying your explanation by saying you don’t drink around her means little. She has every right to know about your drinking. I’m trying to say this gently but it’s completely deceptive to leave her in the dark about it. But in terms of priorities, alcoholics protect their ability to drink over everything and everyone else. I realize the tone of my post may come across as angry and I’m not. I’m saying all of this to try and help you even though you will not like what I’m saying and won’t want to read it. But it’s a huge factor in what your OP is all about. Anyone in a relationship with you deserves to know that you are struggling with alcoholism, early on ideally but especially when the relationship becomes more serious, so they can decide whether they are okay with being a part of that struggle. But honestly, aren’t you more concerned that if you stay in Japan and live with her, you won’t be able to drink like you currently can when away from her? If you live together you won’t get breaks of her being gone and you being able to drink. Isn’t that just as big of a concern, if not THE real concern, about giving up your freedom to come and go, sleep and wake when you want, etc.? Your drinking is completely intertwined with your original post topic and your struggle with committing to her and all that comes with that.
Author skanzer Posted February 17, 2020 Author Posted February 17, 2020 (edited) 20 minutes ago, greymatter said: I’m no expert on alcoholism but I’ve known a few at close range, my ex-FIL being one, and more relevant, a previous boyfriend who hid his alcoholism from me and never, ever drank around me, not even once. I know you don’t wish to sidetrack this thread by talking about your drinking but it’s an integral part of who you are right now and not a minor issue. As my ex BF would say after we broke up and we were doing a post mortem about things, you are just a “dry drunk” when you are with her and not drinking, so justifying your explanation by saying you don’t drink around her means little. She has every right to know about your drinking. I’m trying to say this gently but it’s completely deceptive to leave her in the dark about it. But in terms of priorities, alcoholics protect their ability to drink over everything and everyone else. I realize the tone of my post may come across as angry and I’m not. I’m saying all of this to try and help you even though you will not like what I’m saying and won’t want to read it. But it’s a huge factor in what your OP is all about. Anyone in a relationship with you deserves to know that you are struggling with alcoholism, early on ideally but especially when the relationship becomes more serious, so they can decide whether they are okay with being a part of that struggle. But honestly, aren’t you more concerned that if you stay in Japan and live with her, you won’t be able to drink like you currently can when away from her? If you live together you won’t get breaks of her being gone and you being able to drink. Isn’t that just as big of a concern, if not THE real concern, about giving up your freedom to come and go, sleep and wake when you want, etc.? Your drinking is completely intertwined with your original post topic and your struggle with committing to her and all that comes with that. Thank you for your message. All your thoughts are totally welcome and I appreciate all the insight. I think you have many good thoughts. I want to mention, that since she's been living with me, I don't really care for alcohol as much as before. She brings a lot of happiness in my life, and when I'm with her, I'm really just fine and not thinking about drinking. She could be with me 5 days in a row, a whole week before she goes for a day to see her family, and I'm not missing alcohol. I don't feel I make such decisions like whether or not I want to stay in Japan and live with, based on drinking, but I think drinking has generally brought about some depression thus influencing my thoughts negatively. It's when I'm alone, and I've been alone a lot these years traveling alone, when I'm at home 8pm, that I just feel the urge to drink and watch videos on youtube or something, and 'flip the switch'. And I want to say, that my FEAR of drinking at this point, is stronger than my urge to drink, as I know that if I continue it could really be harmful for my health, if it hasn't caused any issues already. Honestly, I'm alone tonight, I bought a bottle of wine, filled a cup, took a small sip, then spilled the cup and bottle of wine in the sink. It's the first time I've ever done this and I'm determined to quit alcohol starting today. I don't think telling her is necessary now, I think I just need to quit, and leave this behind. I don't think telling her will do any benefit for our relationship. If I continue with alcohol, I really feel she deserves to know, but I'm deciding it's over. Edited February 17, 2020 by skanzer
smackie9 Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Like I said, you don’t know what the future holds, or how you will do with the changes in your life....just take it one day at a time and stay positive. Worry can take up too much head space. Have confidence!
Versacehottie Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 sorry i haven't read all the replies. ok i think there is a fair amount of feeling controlled or stifled by the decision you've taken to be more stable toward your gf. Also maybe you are afraid of the job not being one that you like as much or just change in general. Lastly, maybe you are also afraid with a more "stable" situation things between you two will become routine aka dull and or that she will not like your drinking. I have to say as you've described it I'd say it's problematic drinking at the very least.. You can confine or limit it to a number of times per week or only after a certain time however, what I read in you describing it was something you used to cope, that you are hiding somewhat or limiting as if the reliance on it after a certain hour makes it much different than someone who drinks first in am. I think you drink to excess at the level you stated and you hinted yourself that the stress of this station leads you to drink more--ie it's what you go to when things get tough. You are drinking more days a week than you are not drinking. I'm sorry. I hope you get some help for this part. I do think the rest will sort itself out eventually. Good luck
chillii Posted February 17, 2020 Posted February 17, 2020 Yeah at the same time l do agree with others it is a big thing to do but saying go for it was about you really wanting a future with her because if ya do then you'll have to do something. But if your not that fussed about her well that's another situation entirely .
clia Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 On 2/16/2020 at 11:09 AM, skanzer said: I'm not sure what advice I'm asking for here, but is this just a necessary sacrifice I'd have to make to be with my girlfriend? I feel if I backed out of the job, thus losing my work visa, I'd lose the chance to really live in Japan and be with her. On the other hand, I can just keep going there for 3 months, leave, then come back, but it's an unstable lifestyle, and Japan immigration might wonder why a tourist is spending so much time in the country. I hate the idea of starting a 9to5 job, and giving up my freelancing life. I'm not exactly sure if I should feel happy, or what, but I've been secretly drinking alcohol almost everyday, 1-2 bottles of wine, out of depression, like I'm going down a path I'm not sure I want. Japan authorities will certainly catch on to the 3 months in, 3 months leave pattern at some point, so that is not a long term solution for you. You've been together a year. Has marriage been discussed yet? That might be a viable way for you to get a visa, yet still be able to continue freelancing.
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