A lot of pressure.

February 16, 2020

Hi all,

This is the story of my relationship/life situation, your advice will be very appreciate. I am 29, from the USA, have been traveling the world as freelance designer for 3 years. I met a girl about 1 year ago in Japan, and she is my girlfriend and we have a very good relationship. Since I met her, what I do, is I go 3 months to Tokyo on a tourist visa (3 months is what's allowed per visit), leave for a few weeks, travel for a little, and come back for another 3 months to be with my girlfriend. (I always got nervous that Japan immigration would question me and wonder what a tourist is doing coming 3 months/visit multiple times).

Always in Japan I use airbnb (i rent for 3 months at a time), so I don't have a stable home there (my gf lives with her family, but lives at my place when I'm there). My girlfriend mentioned the unstable type of life style, where I come for 3 months, we kind of feel settled in the airbnb, kinda feels like home, then I have to pack my things leave because my tourist visa is up and start over again.

She suggested I get a work visa in Japan, also it's something I felt I wanted since I really like Japan, so essentially I can live there. So, I did. After some job searching and interview, I recently got a work visa and will start working at a very good company as a designer in Tokyo within a week or two, but I have been extremely depressed since I did. I have been traveling the world, working independently for years, and really loving the freedom and working from home - and I feel like, I simply gave up my freedom to live in Japan with my girlfriend, some of which was mostly pressure from her.

I'm not sure what advice I'm asking for here, but is this just a necessary sacrifice I'd have to make to be with my girlfriend? I feel if I backed out of the job, thus losing my work visa, I'd lose the chance to really live in Japan and be with her. On the other hand, I can just keep going there for 3 months, leave, then come back, but it's an unstable lifestyle, and Japan immigration might wonder why a tourist is spending so much time in the country. I hate the idea of starting a 9to5 job, and giving up my freelancing life. I'm not exactly sure if I should feel happy, or what, but I've been secretly drinking alcohol almost everyday, 1-2 bottles of wine, out of depression, like I'm going down a path I'm not sure I want.

Edited February 16, 2020 by skanzer

February 16, 2020

Why not ask a citizenship in Japan so you can live there and travel as much as you want for your work.

February 16, 2020

It's not as simple as that. The most ideal way of staying long term in Japan is to have a work visa there. Getting citizenship in Japan is not possible for me now.

February 16, 2020

Dude life is about change, and it's time for a change. Life would be boring if you didn't take a risk and give things ago. You are just assuming you are heading for disaster. It takes a little time to adjust, but you just might end up being very happy. You can also accommodate with going on a nice trip every year with your GF. Wouldn't that be fun? To travel without having to work? You pretty much spend most of your time in Japan anyways so it's not like it's so life changing. Hey after a year, and you can't stand it, you can go right back to your old life and carry on.

Edited February 16, 2020 by smackie9

February 16, 2020

17 minutes ago, smackie9 said:

Dude life is about change, and it's time for a change. Life would be boring if you didn't take a risk and give things ago. You are just assuming you are heading for disaster. It takes a little time to adjust, but you just might end up being very happy. You can also accommodate with going on a nice trip every year with your GF. Wouldn't that be fun? To travel without having to work? You pretty much spend most of your time in Japan anyways so it's not like it's so life changing. Hey after a year, and you can't stand it, you can go right back to your old life and carry on.

Thank you for your message. I do agree I should give it a shot...I think I'm just venting. Do you think there is any realistic way to keep the relationship alive if I backed out of the job, or do you think my gf would have good reason to break up with me if I did?

February 16, 2020

It's tough to have a relationship if you travel a lot for work like you did. It looks like you have a big choice to make.

February 16, 2020

It's hard to judge what your gf wants, she comes from a culture we are not familiar with. What do Japaneze women want? You know better than us.

Edited February 16, 2020 by Gaeta

February 16, 2020

This is something you will have to discuss with her when the time comes. You get married, she might enjoy traveling with you or your relationship will end for other reasons a few month from now....who knows what the future holds. I suspect she's angling for a husband, kids, and stability...when she wants this is a conversation you will need to have in the near future.

February 16, 2020

Would you all say, it's either take this job and be with my girlfriend, or essentially lose her? I've dated her 1 year without a work visa in Japan (the 3 month in Japan, 1 month traveling, 3 months in Japan scenario). I'd happily keep doing things this way, because I get to stay with her, and also work from home, and travel a bit in between, but I feel it's a little risky. Japan immigration never said anything to me but I feel I'd eventually be denied entry into the country for staying suspiciously long, consistently for a tourist.

February 16, 2020

Hi there - have you ever had a drinking problem before now?

February 16, 2020

4 minutes ago, greymatter said:

Hi there - have you ever had a drinking problem before now?

To be honest, yes. I've been traveling the world alone, working as a freelancer, for 3 years, this gives me a lot of time, don’t have to wake up for work, and it’s also lonely, traveling alone to new countries where you don’t have anyone all the time. As fulfilling as it's been, I'd say I've had alcoholic tendencies, drinking 3-4 nights a week (sometimes 5 or 6 in my worst), drinking the equivalent of 1-2 bottles of wine per night.

February 16, 2020

43 minutes ago, skanzer said:

To be honest, yes. I've been traveling the world alone, working as a freelancer, for 3 years, this gives me a lot of time, don’t have to wake up for work, and it’s also lonely, traveling alone to new countries where you don’t have anyone all the time. As fulfilling as it's been, I'd say I've had alcoholic tendencies, drinking 3-4 nights a week (sometimes 5 or 6 in my worst), drinking the equivalent of 1-2 bottles of wine per night.

This thread has become a little more than intended. It sounds like you are an alcoholic. Do you drink often while with your gf? Only secretly or when not around her? When you are out of country, do you indulge as much?

To be honest, she is right. The relationship is not stable or was not. Asking for stability is spot on for her. But it sounds like you have other issues to talk open about with your gf. Tough decisions to make, but I would recommend talking to your gf about what is going on.

February 16, 2020

9 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

This thread has become a little more than intended. It sounds like you are an alcoholic. Do you drink often while with your gf? Only secretly or when not around her? When you are out of country, do you indulge as much?

To be honest, she is right. The relationship is not stable or was not. Asking for stability is spot on for her. But it sounds like you have other issues to talk open about with your gf. Tough decisions to make, but I would recommend talking to your gf about what is going on.

It wasn't my intention to side-track the conversation on to this topic. I never drink with my gf, and since she started living with me it has helped me cut down more than before. I usually drink if she stays at her parents place which is 1-2 days a week, or while she's working and I'm home, but generally I've cut down since she started living with me. I know it sounds like I'm a full blown alcoholic, but my drinking I mentioned usually involves a 3-4 hour time usually at night before bed, it's not an all day thing, but the amount and consistency of drinking over the years is dangerous for my physical and mental health I believe. And yes I drink when I'm out of the country, or not around her.

She wouldn't suspect this at all, I didn't let it get in the way of our relationship, and it's something I will not say to to her, I think I just need to quit. I also think this new job could help, because I'll actually have a structured day, rather than so much freedom like I've had these years.

Edited February 16, 2020 by skanzer

February 16, 2020

1 hour ago, skanzer said:

Would you all say, it's either take this job and be with my girlfriend, or essentially lose her? I've dated her 1 year without a work visa in Japan (the 3 month in Japan, 1 month traveling, 3 months in Japan scenario). I'd happily keep doing things this way, because I get to stay with her, and also work from home, and travel a bit in between, but I feel it's a little risky. Japan immigration never said anything to me but I feel I'd eventually be denied entry into the country for staying suspiciously long, consistently for a tourist.

Yes of course you'd eventually have a problem... and not just being denied entry into the country, but also potentially deported, or in the future having your history questioned by immigration officers (e.g. if you decided to apply for permanent residency). In fact I'm surprised you got away with it as much as you already did, especially given that Japan usually has conscientious workers at the airport.

Besides, it's pretty clear that this sort of semi-casual relationship isn't what your gf wants.

You do need to make a decision I'm afraid. But I think you already know what it is - you don't want to "settle down". And that's okay. Break up with her and go live the life you want.

Edited February 16, 2020 by Elswyth

February 16, 2020

8 minutes ago, Elswyth said:

Yes of course you'd eventually have a problem... and not just being denied entry into the country, but also potentially deported, or in the future having your history questioned by immigration officers (e.g. if you decided to apply for permanent residency). In fact I'm surprised you got away with it as much as you already did, especially given that Japan usually has conscientious workers at the airport.

Besides, it's pretty clear that this sort of semi-casual relationship isn't what your gf wants.

You do need to make a decision I'm afraid. But I think you already know what it is - you don't want to "settle down". And that's okay. Break up with her and go live the life you want.

Thank you for your input. I don't feel I 'get away' with anything, I've been in Japan legally every time, exit before the tourist visa expires, and they give me a new visa when I return. But I have been surprised they haven't asked why I consistently almost max out my 90 day tourist visa, leave then come back, multiple times.

And honestly, I want to settle down, and I love this girl, I guess I just feel a bit lost, and it's difficult for me to adjust to this new life that is in front of me.

February 16, 2020

5 hours ago, skanzer said:

I have been traveling the world, working independently for years, and really loving the freedom and working from home - and I feel like, I simply gave up my freedom to live in Japan with my girlfriend, some of which was mostly pressure from her.

I understand these thoughts,

I think you have to fix this work situation- you have to make it more suitable on your terms,

can you find a way of still freelancing while living in Japan. a part time fixed number of hours -enough to satisfy the visa,

if you marry her, does that help your citizenship prospects.

February 16, 2020

lf you didn't it probably won't mean losing her straight off but sooner or later most would want something more steady and real than the coming and going and living in other peoples places and what have you in 3mth stints.

29 , living and working in a new country you love for 12mths testing the waters though , with your love , ahhh, yaknow , that doesn't sound too bad to me. l get the being tied down and clocking on stuff , l can't do that either, but you could try it 6 or 12mths there with her and from that who knows what you guys might work out if the relationship turns out.

February 16, 2020

3 minutes ago, chillii said:

lf you didn't it probably won't mean losing her straight off but sooner or later most would want something more steady and real than the coming and going and living in other peoples places and what have you in 3mth stints.

29 , living and working in a new country you love for 12mths testing the waters though , with your love , ahhh, yaknow , that doesn't sound too bad to me. l get the being tied down and clocking on stuff , l can't do that either, but you could try it 6 or 12mths there with her and from that who knows what you guys might work out if the relationship turns out.

You are right, I think I am whining, and don't realize how good this situation is. I think the least I could do is just try this out, and give it a chance, rather than be so negative about it.

February 16, 2020

I guess since you're a freelancer, it's not irreversible if you decide you hate it. Also, you being around all the time, this will be a revelation to both of you. Just one example being that you drink too much that you're keeping from her. The only test to this relationship is for it to go full-time and see if it's worth it or not. If not, back to freelancing.

February 16, 2020

6 hours ago, skanzer said:

Hi all,

This is the story of my relationship/life situation, your advice will be very appreciate. I am 29, from the USA, have been traveling the world as freelance designer for 3 years. I met a girl about 1 year ago in Japan, and she is my girlfriend and we have a very good relationship. Since I met her, what I do, is I go 3 months to Tokyo on a tourist visa (3 months is what's allowed per visit), leave for a few weeks, travel for a little, and come back for another 3 months to be with my girlfriend. (I always got nervous that Japan immigration would question me and wonder what a tourist is doing coming 3 months/visit multiple times).

Always in Japan I use airbnb (i rent for 3 months at a time), so I don't have a stable home there (my gf lives with her family, but lives at my place when I'm there). My girlfriend mentioned the unstable type of life style, where I come for 3 months, we kind of feel settled in the airbnb, kinda feels like home, then I have to pack my things leave because my tourist visa is up and start over again.

She suggested I get a work visa in Japan, also it's something I felt I wanted since I really like Japan, so essentially I can live there. So, I did. After some job searching and interview, I recently got a work visa and will start working at a very good company as a designer in Tokyo within a week or two, but I have been extremely depressed since I did. I have been traveling the world, working independently for years, and really loving the freedom and working from home - and I feel like, I simply gave up my freedom to live in Japan with my girlfriend, some of which was mostly pressure from her.

I'm not sure what advice I'm asking for here, but is this just a necessary sacrifice I'd have to make to be with my girlfriend? I feel if I backed out of the job, thus losing my work visa, I'd lose the chance to really live in Japan and be with her. On the other hand, I can just keep going there for 3 months, leave, then come back, but it's an unstable lifestyle, and Japan immigration might wonder why a tourist is spending so much time in the country. I hate the idea of starting a 9to5 job, and giving up my freelancing life. I'm not exactly sure if I should feel happy, or what, but I've been secretly drinking alcohol almost everyday, 1-2 bottles of wine, out of depression, like I'm going down a path I'm not sure I want.

You don't know much about Japanese culture, do you? In general a Japanese woman wants a boyfriend with a potential for husband. They are not much on causal, per say, this is why such things as children born out of wedlock are little heard of compared to other countries. That is most likely why she suggested you actually do more than a stop by visit & actually work in Japan for real.

By the way, having lived in Japan though the problem of alcoholism is widely ignored if you would alcoholics themselves are viewed as being weak of character. No offense to you but it's the general cultural viewpoint on heavy drinking. There is a possibility that once she makes this discovery & your lack of commitment she'd back out of any relationship herself.

Edited February 16, 2020 by AquaGal

February 16, 2020

8 minutes ago, AquaGal said:

You don't know much about Japanese culture, do you? In general a Japanese woman wants a boyfriend with a potential for husband. They are not much on causal, per say, this is why such things as children born out of wedlock are little heard of compared to other countries. That is most likely why she suggested you actually do more than a stop by visit & actually work in Japan for real.

By the way, having lived in Japan though the problem of alcoholism is widely ignored if you would alcoholics themselves are viewed as being weak of character. No offense to you but it's the general cultural viewpoint on heavy drinking. There is a possibility that once she makes this discovery & your lack of commitment she'd back out of any relationship herself.

I know quite a bit about Japanese culture. I'm on and off here for 3 months per visit, but I've spent almost 2 years in Japan total and traveled to many cities within the country. It was mentioned a couple times in this thread that I'm too casual, don't want something serious etc, but that's completely untrue. Me and this girl have a great relationship together and she lives with me. I just have had trouble accepting that I'll be starting a 9to5, it happened very quickly, and suddenly I feel my life will change, and I'll lose a lot of freedom I once had. I'm committed to her, that's why I'm actually going to go through with this and start this job. It's a big decision that I initially did mainly to be with her, and was committed enough to go through the whole process of finding a job, doing the interview and getting the COE/work visa, but once it became real (it happened faster than I thought) and I got the job, I realized also what I am losing.

And I think 'alcoholics' in Japan are viewed as being weak of character, but not necessarily drinking a lot. I would say Japanese are quite fond of drinking culture.

Edited February 16, 2020 by skanzer

February 16, 2020

54 minutes ago, skanzer said:

I know quite a bit about Japanese culture. I'm on and off here for 3 months per visit, but I've spent almost 2 years in Japan total and traveled to many cities within the country. It was mentioned a couple times in this thread that I'm too casual, don't want something serious etc, but that's completely untrue. Me and this girl have a great relationship together and she lives with me. I just have had trouble accepting that I'll be starting a 9to5, it happened very quickly, and suddenly I feel my life will change, and I'll lose a lot of freedom I once had. I'm committed to her, that's why I'm actually going to go through with this and start this job. It's a big decision that I initially did mainly to be with her, and was committed enough to go through the whole process of finding a job, doing the interview and getting the COE/work visa, but once it became real (it happened faster than I thought) and I got the job, I realized also what I am losing.

And I think 'alcoholics' in Japan are viewed as being weak of character, but not necessarily drinking a lot. I would say Japanese are quite fond of drinking culture.

Saying you know much of Japanese culture & yet proving you don't is... interesting. By the way, since you brought it up, I've lived in Japan 15 years all told & relatives have lived in China for 50.

You live together. So? Did I say something that gave you the idea such wasn't possible with a Japanese woman? What I said is a typical Japanese woman expects more than, to be blunt, a passing fling she wants a potential husband. This is likely is why your girlfriend wants you to quit gallivanting about. She wants you to prove you can commit. You can't.

Did I say Japanese don't drink? I said alcoholics in Japan are viewed as being weak of character. It's why things like AA don't really exist in Japan. If one is an alcoholic they are expected to either help themselves or, if someone has sense, they're to hide their "shame". Kindly don't associate western ideology to drunks to Japanese.

Edited February 16, 2020 by AquaGal

February 17, 2020

4 hours ago, AquaGal said:

Saying you know much of Japanese culture & yet proving you don't is... interesting. By the way, since you brought it up, I've lived in Japan 15 years all told & relatives have lived in China for 50.

You live together. So? Did I say something that gave you the idea such wasn't possible with a Japanese woman? What I said is a typical Japanese woman expects more than, to be blunt, a passing fling she wants a potential husband. This is likely is why your girlfriend wants you to quit gallivanting about. She wants you to prove you can commit. You can't.

Did I say Japanese don't drink? I said alcoholics in Japan are viewed as being weak of character. It's why things like AA don't really exist in Japan. If one is an alcoholic they are expected to either help themselves or, if someone has sense, they're to hide their "shame". Kindly don't associate western ideology to drunks to Japanese.

I see. You're one of 'those' people. I'm not sure how anything I said is 'proving' that I don't know Japanese culture, you seem to completely dodge my words, and I won't judge you and say I know more about Japan than you, but actually I wouldn't be surprised, given your level of intelligence. You told me, I "can't" commit to her, thanks for deciding for me, clearly you haven't ready anything I said in my last post I've met people like you in Japan, you make me a little sick actually, you think you 'know it all' about Japan or more than any other foreigner you meet.

If I wasn't committed, why would I actually get to this point and have a job ready to start in Tokyo? I'm not allowed to vent a bit, get peoples thoughts? It's pretty natural to go from traveling the world for 3 years, to possibly find it difficult to adjust to a 9to5, perhaps it's difficult for you to understand that.

Edited February 17, 2020 by skanzer

February 17, 2020

This is a bad idea man, she is asking you to go through all this change, but what change is she going through?

This is the thing man: people you live with, are going to treat you exactly the way they treat their family and the people they live with... So watch how she treats and talks about her family, that is exactly how she will talk about you and treat you, it is simple behavioral conditioning, its unavoidable, this is why people later in life have a harder time with relationships if they have been single for a long time, because they become particular to a fault.

You are not responsible for her comfort... Yeah, she might be getting settled 3 months in and have to move out, but that is fine... The real problem here, for her, is that she cannot be comfortable with you and I would suggest that is a good thing... A woman should never feel comfortable in a house that she don't own with you, know what I am saying? She is a guest, but makes no effort to have her own space apart from her family, meaning, she is comfortable being a guest with you, but is pressing you for more.

Pressing for more is what they do and you need to have the discipline, intelligence and integrity to say to her "I enjoy my life style and i'm not going to change it for you... Yes, I would like you with me when I am here, but I like to have my space as well."

This is your girlfriend, not your wife, don't be moving chess pieces strictly on her behalf, especially the pieces that you specifically put into that spot for a reason... Your just gonna end up unhappy and resentful of her, because she has made no effort on HER BEHALF to be comfortable... It is not your responsibility to make this person comfortable, that is on her... Yes, she is a guest and you are cool with that.

February 17, 2020

I don't think you can back out of this and expect the relationship to continue, no.

Your girlfriend is going to be very hurt and likely very angry if you pull the plug now. Coming to stay for 3-month stretches was okay for a while, but it's not a viable prospect for most in the long-run. It's too inconsistent and unstable and will present further challenges if you try to plot out a future.

And as you said, Japanese authorities are likely to start asking you questions at some point about the multiple tourists visas you've obtained. They may put a stop to that, as even though you're legally obtaining them, they're not meant to be used as a way to essentially live in the country.

You really need to sit down and think about whether you're ready to invest in the relationship this way. Living and working there is the next step to making things more permanent between you two, so are you prepared to live in Japan long-term? Would she be willing to migrate somewhere else? What happens if you try living there and don't like it and want to leave?

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A lot of pressure.

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