girlinNYC Posted February 16, 2020 Posted February 16, 2020 I was at a birthday party and a married man was chasing me for most of the night. I'm a very unassuming person so I don't immediately think "dirtbag" if someone is being friendly, although in this case I probably should have instantly. I guess me engaging in polite conversation gave him the confidence to break a boundary and make a move. I'm single so I didn't cheat on anyone or initiate anything with him, however regardless I can't shake feelings of guilt I have over the situation. He kissed me and then tried taking my clothes off and I quickly escaped the situation. I'm not remotely attracted to him, I find the thought of him disgusting and I feel for his wife. I feel disgusting. How do I alleviate my mood about this? Is it just something that will just go away with time?
Legatus Posted February 16, 2020 Posted February 16, 2020 You didn't give him anything. Only he was in charge of his boundaries and he let his boundaries down when he saw an opportunity. You, as a single person, have a right to talk or flirt with anybody. It's up to the taken ones to respond appropriately. You removed yourself from the situation because you were appalled by his behaviour. See, he didn't tell you to go, your moral compass told you that you don't want to be part of something like that. It's not about right or wrong, it's about what you wanted and didn't want. Now apply the same logic to him. You can't make him do or feel anything. If you were in a relationship and there's a guy who would be totally into you, would you let him take a blame for your actions? probably not. You, as you, would probably stop the situation and leave (based on how little I know you ), he also had that chance but he didn't take it - that's his karma screwed up, not yours : ) 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 16, 2020 Posted February 16, 2020 3 hours ago, girlinNYC said: I guess me engaging in polite conversation gave him the confidence to break a boundary and make a move. He kissed me and then tried taking my clothes off and I quickly escaped the situation. Out of curiosity, where was this polite conversation happening that he tried to take your clothes off? 2
Baman Posted February 16, 2020 Posted February 16, 2020 You met a sleeze remove thy guilt and be proud of your actions instead. drink wine and laugh about it... you will feel much better 2
Author girlinNYC Posted February 16, 2020 Author Posted February 16, 2020 2 hours ago, ExpatInItaly said: Out of curiosity, where was this polite conversation happening that he tried to take your clothes off? In a hallway at the house.
Miss Spider Posted February 16, 2020 Posted February 16, 2020 (edited) It almost sounds like you were sexually assaulted. I’m sorry this happened to you. Edited February 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough 2
ExpatInItaly Posted February 16, 2020 Posted February 16, 2020 3 minutes ago, girlinNYC said: In a hallway at the house. He tried to take your clothes off in a hallway where anyone could have seen you? Yeah, dude is gross. Zero boundaries and has more than likely cheated before, given how bold he was. Don't let this one weigh on you. He is a grade-A creep. 3
Blind-Sided Posted February 16, 2020 Posted February 16, 2020 (edited) honestly... I would let his wife know. With his actions... it's probably not the first time this has happened. But as it was said above... You are single... you are allowed to be flirty if you want. It's up to the married person to control themselves. You don't have to feel guilty at all. Edited February 16, 2020 by Blind-Sided 1
Author girlinNYC Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 (edited) On 2/16/2020 at 11:16 PM, Blind-Sided said: honestly... I would let his wife know. With his actions... it's probably not the first time this has happened. But as it was said above... You are single... you are allowed to be flirty if you want. It's up to the married person to control themselves. You don't have to feel guilty at all. I considered doing that, just to make him feel a shred of negativity he has made me feel. But I'm also thinking about the other perspective of how she could be in denial about how her husband is and lash out at me for being a "home wrecker" and that could potentially affect my reputation personally and professionally. Even though I didn't want his advances - I've seen wives lash out at the other woman in the past, instead of the man who is actually married. Edited February 18, 2020 by girlinNYC detail
Author girlinNYC Posted February 18, 2020 Author Posted February 18, 2020 On 2/16/2020 at 11:03 PM, ExpatInItaly said: He tried to take your clothes off in a hallway where anyone could have seen you? Yeah, dude is gross. Zero boundaries and has more than likely cheated before, given how bold he was. Don't let this one weigh on you. He is a grade-A creep. I'm feeling better today. Slowly putting the onus on him instead of myself. Thank you 1
Springsummer Posted February 18, 2020 Posted February 18, 2020 What did you do to 'deserve' his kissing? did you flirt? gave him some sort of signal? if you were simply trying to be polite, then it was not you fault at all. the guy just simply too sleazy and shameless dirt bag. 1
LuckyM Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 Did you encourage him, at all? For some men, it doesn't take much, the slightest hint or look. What was the polite conversation about? Sounds like he has a lot of audacity, nerve, and egotistical. Just avoid him, if you see him again.
2BGoodAgain Posted February 20, 2020 Posted February 20, 2020 stay away from him. if he tries another move or even talk to you, tell him you'll tell his wife. simple. the guilt you feel might be how it may have escalated to that point with a person who is married to another woman. but i honestly don't think you should feel guilt for the bad choices of another person. you didn't engage him once he crossed the line, though i'm sure in the future you'll prob avoid such situations or events that may lead that way. I wouldn't sweat it too much. But def draw a definite line across the sand with him. 1
kendahke Posted February 22, 2020 Posted February 22, 2020 (edited) On 2/16/2020 at 1:32 AM, girlinNYC said: I was at a birthday party and a married man was chasing me for most of the night. I'm a very unassuming person so I don't immediately think "dirtbag" if someone is being friendly, although in this case I probably should have instantly. I guess me engaging in polite conversation gave him the confidence to break a boundary and make a move. I'm single so I didn't cheat on anyone or initiate anything with him, however regardless I can't shake feelings of guilt I have over the situation. He kissed me and then tried taking my clothes off and I quickly escaped the situation. I'm not remotely attracted to him, I find the thought of him disgusting and I feel for his wife. I feel disgusting. How do I alleviate my mood about this? Is it just something that will just go away with time? I'd ask whoever invited you to this birthday party to never invite you to another party again if they've also invited this jerk,. Edited February 22, 2020 by kendahke 1
Author girlinNYC Posted February 24, 2020 Author Posted February 24, 2020 On 2/18/2020 at 2:10 PM, Springsummer said: What did you do to 'deserve' his kissing? did you flirt? gave him some sort of signal? if you were simply trying to be polite, then it was not you fault at all. the guy just simply too sleazy and shameless dirt bag. None at all. Just small talk, he began drinking a lot and that's where his confidence skyrocketed. 1
Interstellar Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 (edited) I have a female coworker that was asked by a married guy for her number while his wife and kids were looking away, lol. Coworker is also married and her FB is public. Eh, I’m not here to lecture her about anything, not really my business but you always feel for the person being cheated on. Edited February 24, 2020 by Interstellar 1 1
Springsummer Posted February 24, 2020 Posted February 24, 2020 (edited) 22 hours ago, girlinNYC said: None at all. Just small talk, he began drinking a lot and that's where his confidence skyrocketed. Damn, dirt bag everywhere. you should have slapped him in the face and kicked the dirt bag to the curb instead of escape. How dear him! of course, it's easy for me to say hindsight. I probably will be too shocked to react. but that's what I would like to do. Edited February 24, 2020 by Springsummer 1
Author girlinNYC Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 On 2/25/2020 at 10:55 AM, Springsummer said: Damn, dirt bag everywhere. you should have slapped him in the face and kicked the dirt bag to the curb instead of escape. How dear him! of course, it's easy for me to say hindsight. I probably will be too shocked to react. but that's what I would like to do. If I had my time again I would not have been as nice. I guess I'm naive in the sense that I don't immediately assume everyone I come across has bad intentions, and I've never wanted to live a life where I have to be weary of everyone, especially men, but alas...
Author girlinNYC Posted February 26, 2020 Author Posted February 26, 2020 On 2/24/2020 at 1:11 PM, Interstellar said: I have a female coworker that was asked by a married guy for her number while his wife and kids were looking away, lol. Coworker is also married and her FB is public. Eh, I’m not here to lecture her about anything, not really my business but you always feel for the person being cheated on. Minutes before he made his first move he was telling me about how 'unhappy' he is in his marriage. Red flag numero uno. 1
simpycurious Posted February 28, 2020 Posted February 28, 2020 On 2/23/2020 at 7:33 PM, girlinNYC said: None at all. Just small talk, he began drinking a lot and that's where his confidence skyrocketed. The booze gave him the “confidence” and that is appalling it does seem like you were assaulted I am sorry you had to endure that 1
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