Who is at fault, me or her?

[ht.lp]

I was speaking to a woman on a dating site. We sent lots of messages back and forth and she seemed really interested. In fact she told me she was. We talked about our interests and general day to day stuff.  We chatted every day but initiated by me, however I know that's normal in dating.

After a few days of chatting I asked if she'd like to meet and she said yes. She seemed enthusiastic. I asked if she wanted to get a coffee as I don't drink and she said it's a good idea. She said she would like to meet after work at 5pm and admitted she knew it was an awkward time, but I said it's fine. So we agreed. 

So Friday she asks if I'm still up for it, so seemed really into to me still. I said of course! She asked of I was nervous and I admitted I was a bit. She admitted she was a lot. Anyway on the way to meeting her I found out that a family member had an accident the previous day and I was concerned. I wanted to find out what was happening. I knew he was still alive but they was the only extent of what I knew. 

I messaged her that I was inside the cafe rather than outside as it was cold. She messaged back "can you come outside please I'm there" I didn't really understand why she needed me to but i said sure. We said hello and I informed her that "I won't be able to stay too long as my family member had an accident and I needed to find out the deal" I told her more detail about what had happen. She said it's OK. 

When we went inside we chose our drinks and I paid for hers. I didn't hear her say thank you, but she had told me before she's shy when she firsts meet someone. So we sat down, she said "it's very quiet here, can it be a bit more loud!" with a little laugh. I'm not sure her meaning of this? I told her, with a smile, "yeah everything is shut now at this time!" we had small talk, i asked her some questions. A few basic questions she didn't seem open to answering, others she did. 

I noticed she looked around the room quite a lot. I figured she might be nervous and actually she admitted to me that she had told her friend on the phone that she was nervous, her friend told her she had to stop nervous laughing cause she sounds crazy. She was making a cute joke about that. There was a few awkward silences, but then she would perk up and seem interested. We did talk a bit about our interests, we had a few in common but a few not. 

She said she would need to get something to eat soon as she had not eaten. I said it looks like the place is about to close up and she agreed. Sure enough 5 mins later we were told they would be closing. When we left there was no physical contact, she said goodbye, I told her to "message me later if you would like" she relied "you could message me your number" we hadn't swapped numbers yet as I guessed she would prefer to meet first. I said "oh yes of course" 

An hour later I messaged her my number and 2 hours later she messaged me on the number saying "this is my number" so we had small talk, asking what each other was doing and then we said goodnight. I figured she must be interested if she suggested swapping numbers and message me! 

The next morning I message her as usual asking how she is. She doesn't reply, but she told me even before the meet up that she was spending Saturday with her family. I'm a bit concerned though so I message after  9 hours with simply "are you alright?" an hour later she replies "yes thanks, hope you are well" straight away I reply with "good thanks, did you see your family today" 2 hours later "yes I'm still with them" "did you guys do much fun?" 

2 hours later "what did you think of the meeting Friday?" I reply "yes it was cool, sorry I couldn't stay out long. What about you? Were you nervous? What did you think of me? Haha" she replies "I didn't feel like there was a spark and I thought it was pretty rude that you didn't make much time for me in all honesty" I reply "sorry I didn't expect my family member to have the accident and I thought it was pretty rude you didn't thank me for buying your drink. Let's leave it there then " "I did say thanks for the drink right away, as for your family member when we text that evening, you told me you had just been playing your game"

Yes I did play my game, but I also found out what had happened. Why did she want to swap numbers if no interest? I'm inexperienced with the whole dating scene, I'm left pretty confused? 

 

Edited February 16, 2020 by ht.lp

[Miss Spider]

Oh wow that went South very quick. 
 

My best guess would be that she did like you a little, but some of your behaviors put her off. She said it was because she felt slighted because of you claimed you had to leave early yet you were playing a game and she didn’t buy it. Maybe it was also some of the questions you asked. Maybe it was the “message me if you like” TBH, you might have seemed pretty blasé and not all that interested when you said that and you’re not making any moves to see her again. Also, I’m shy, but I say ty when someone buys me something. That’s not an excuse. She says she did, you say not. Just sounds like you’re not a match. 

[Gaeta]

I don't understand why you had to end the date early to get news about your family member. It's not an immediate family member otherwised you would have known about the accident on the spot, you could have simply ask for news after the date without mentionning this to your date. It just sounded like a cheap excuse to leave early. 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

8 hours ago, ht.lp said:

Yes I did play my game, but I also found out what had happened. Why did she want to swap numbers if no interest? I'm inexperienced with the whole dating scene, I'm left pretty confused? 

Meaning what, exactly? 

She was put off the moment you told her you'd have to leave early. It sounded like an excuse to her.

[ht.lp]

So you are all in agreement im the one who blew it?

The questions I asked were normal getting to know you. For example I asked what job she did before her current one and she said "that's a long story... Oh nothing bad haha" I didn't push it. I asked about siblings, she had no problem answering that and a few others. I said "message me if you'd like" as I wasn't sure her thoughts on me so didn't want to be pushy. But I guess I should have been more confident and asked for her number then. 

The family member is my grandad who I really care about. I'm not close to anyone on that side of the family, so I wasn't the first on their rador to tell. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it, but i didn't want to seem rude and make contact while I was with her. I thought that would be way worse. I thought it was just a quick meeting and she wanted it that way. 

The game means I was playing my console, after I found out about my grandad. She knows I game sometimes and didn't have a problem with that. 

I still don't understand why she asked for my number and continued to message me if she didn't feel a spark? 

 

 

[ExpatInItaly]

14 minutes ago, ht.lp said:

The game means I was playing my console, after I found out about my grandad. She knows I game sometimes and didn't have a problem with that. 

Do you mean you played your game on the date, with her sitting right in front of you?

[d0nnivain]

I think you both blew it. 

You messaged too log before meeting.  You chose to meet at 5 pm at a coffee shop that was closing.  It was Valentine's day a very awkward date for a 1st meet from old.  I do not understand why you had to go outside to meet her.  How much effort does it take to walk in a restaurant / coffee shop.  She was a bit demanding in that request  Her overall level of awkwardness was tough to over come.  She seemed to have expectations.  Although you invited her for coffee, she seemed to have assumed you'd treat for dinner.  When you couldn't, she got a bit miffed.  She should have been more understanding about your family member's accident but I do not understand why you couldn't get more info through a phone call.  

Overall you two just didn't click.  It happens.  Even if you hadn't had to leave early this probably would not have worked. 

A mere 9 hours after you saw her it was inappropriate for you to ask if she was OK after your date . ou knew she was with her family & you were a stranger she met off the internet.  She owed you no explanation about how she used her time even if it was not responding to you. 

 

NEXT

[Miss Spider]

40 minutes ago, ht.lp said:

So you are all in agreement im the one who blew it?

The questions I asked were normal getting to know you. For example I asked what job she did before her current one and she said "that's a long story... Oh nothing bad haha" I didn't push it. I asked about siblings, she had no problem answering that and a few others. I said "message me if you'd like" as I wasn't sure her thoughts on me so didn't want to be pushy. But I guess I should have been more confident and asked for her number then. 

The family member is my grandad who I really care about. I'm not close to anyone on that side of the family, so I wasn't the first on their rador to tell. Maybe I shouldn't have mentioned it, but i didn't want to seem rude and make contact while I was with her. I thought that would be way worse. I thought it was just a quick meeting and she wanted it that way. 

The game means I was playing my console, after I found out about my grandad. She knows I game sometimes and didn't have a problem with that. 

I still don't understand why she asked for my number and continued to message me if she didn't feel a spark? 

 

 

Well the conversation doesn’t sound too bad. Like I said, she probably did initially like you enough to reach out after the end of the date despite being shy. I think she was put off by a series of things though.She admitted she thought  it was rude you left the date early for a family death,  yet went home and gamed.  That was probably a turn off. Then you said “message me if you like”. That seems like you lack confidence, are passive, or just plain not that interested. Especially after you leave the date early. So another thing that probably put up yellow flag up for her.  She decided to message you, but then you continue to make banal “how are you” type chat with her, not asking her for another date. Maybe there were other things ticking away at her interest? Who knows. Then you ask her what she thought of you. It really actually sounds a lot like you didn’t have much interested in her, but you wanted validation. ? 

Edited February 16, 2020 by Cookiesandough

[ht.lp]

Haha no I didn't game on the date! I mean after the date, I told her I was gaming. But she seems to think since I was gaming I didn't find out about my grandad before that! 

I never thought about her wanting dinner. When we talked about what we would do, she agreed coffee was a good idea. But maybe the "i need to get food on the way home as I haven't eaten" was a hint? 

Like I said I'm inexperienced and she knew I lack confidence before we met. 

 

[d0nnivain]

4 minutes ago, ht.lp said:

Haha no I didn't game on the date! I mean after the date, I told her I was gaming. But she seems to think since I was gaming I didn't find out about my grandad before that! 

I never thought about her wanting dinner. When we talked about what we would do, she agreed coffee was a good idea. But maybe the "i need to get food on the way home as I haven't eaten" was a hint? 

Like I said I'm inexperienced and she knew I lack confidence before we met. 

 

Yep.  If she knew you went home to play a game she concluded that whatever happened to your grandfather wasn't that important.  Thus she felt lied to & blown off. 

I need to get food wasn't a hint. . . it was a 2x4 to the upside of your head & you still missed it.  However, since you agreed to a 5 pm coffee date it was unreasonable for her to expect coffee was going to turn into dinner.  

cookiesanddough also gave some great insights into how your word choices contributed to the sabotage undermining your connection by having you come off as weak / whiney. 

Learn from this & don't make the same mistakes next time. 

Glad your grandfather is stable.  .  

[Fletch Lives]

Dating is a process. For the first few weeks, because they are not in love yet you have no hook so they can disappear at anytime.

[Miss Spider]

Oops. I meant accident not death. Glad he’s ok 

[ht.lp]

Thanks guys. Just to be clear, I do like her. My friend thinks I blew it by not saying I'd like another date. So I'm thinking about asking her out again. I will make sure I'm clear on interest and I'll take her somewhere more fun and maybe to dinner. What have I got to lose? How does this sound? 

"hey, I think we crossed some wires and I didn't show my interest very well. I should have asked you out to dinner. So how would you like if we give it another try and I'll make sure I'm free all day/evening" 

[ExpatInItaly]

If you do decide to ask her out again, pick up the phone and call her. Don't send it as a message. 

[Gaeta]

Don't ever ask a date if she liked you or enjoyed herself, and don't ever use words like 'sometimes' like in 'call me sometimes'. It comes across as if you don't care if she does or doesn't. You call her, you lead for the first 3 dates. 

[preraph]

You put her on the spot when you ask her about the date and instead of lying to you she told you the truth. if you hadn't asked that you would probably have made another date and gone out again. 

[smackie9]

First impressions count. I agree you should have picked a place that wasn't closing, she did hint she wanted to get dinner (you blew it there),  you didn't have your evening freed up just in case the date went well, you gave away too munch info because it looked like an extravagant lie, you should make your date more of a priority or at least make them think they are and you could have helped her a little more with with her anxiety by telling her funny stories, make her laugh...go the extra distance. And gaming....a lot of women hate this and avoid anyone who makes that their priority. Next time don't mention gaming at all unless you know she's a gamer too.

I have to say she had time to process what had happened on the date, maybe even talked it over with her friends. If she didn't like you she would have scooted out of there quick, not mention dinner or give her number. Everyone here picked up on it that most likely she didn't feel like you gave enough of a rat's butt about her so she decided to turn you down. Maybe it was a good thing because people with anxiety need a lot of reassurance a lot of the time. Could get tiring after awhile.

Edited February 16, 2020 by smackie9

[preraph]

I want to just add as an aside, before you ask a woman for just coffee, either ask her if she even drinks coffee, or take her to a place that also has soft drinks or juices or smoothies.  Me, I don't drink coffee and can't even stand the smell inside a Starbuck's and there's nothing there for me to drink whatsoever.  So go to a cafe for "coffee" in case the person doesn't like coffee, and in this case, needs a bite to eat.  

Edited February 16, 2020 by preraph

[smackie9]

Yes careful planning reaps rewards.

[Gaeta]

10 minutes ago, preraph said:

I want to just add as an aside, before you ask a woman for just coffee, either ask her if she even drinks coffee, or take her to a place that also has soft drinks or juices or smoothies.  

I think the best of place for a first date is a coffee & cake, or a coffee & chocolate place. There are a wide variety of hot and cold drinks and you accompany that with a sweet. Those place usually are comfortable with a nice ambiance and you don't need to break the bank on that 1st meeting. 

Edited February 16, 2020 by Gaeta

[preraph]

That sounds heavenly, Gaeta.  I'm not sure we have those here, like coffee and chocolate, but I'd go as long as they had something other than coffee to drink.  I just can't.  Iced tea or soda or juice would all be fine.  

[Gaeta]

OP said everything closes at 5, or shortly after. They must be living in a place where they want to keep people as single as possible!

[CAPSLOCK BANDIT]

This is somebody who plays the game and her comment about how quiet it was gave it away. This is somebody who expects you to buy her drinks, expects you to lead and expects you to make the time, even if you don't have it. Her type of environment is the club or the bar, where she can get over on you; if she doesn't get exactly what she wants, she will just give her attention to another man until she does, it is what it is.

Women like this are not dating material and the only reason they date is to attempt to acquire value, that is all, she was looking for you to buy her food, drinks... She'll get whatever she can out of you and once she finds herself out of your good graces, that will be the end of it.

This is somebody who is not dating material, she is clubbing material, so just move on, you didn't blow nothing.

 

[ht.lp]

Update: I did call her on the 16th, no answer so I try one more time the next day. No answer, so this time I leave a text saying "I hope you are well. I'm just contacting you as I would love another chance to take you out. I realise I acted a bit lukewarm and dropped the ball on not asking you for another date. If there was anything there at all, please get in touch and we can set something up " Silence. And I was pretty dissapointed. 

Today I'm at work and I look around and, what do you know, she is there looking at games! She knows where I work 100% and the exact store, we had talked about it a few times. She told me she is a very casual gamer, but her nephew is a big gamer and he would sometimes drag her along to the store. Well she wasn't with him, she was alone. 

She wasn't looking at the front where I was at first and not sure she did see me, but it's likely she did when she first walked in. Then she moves closer to where I am, and she's looking at the merch. She looks over and notices me. I smile and say hi, she smiles and kinds of nods then carries on. She picks up some socks and ques up. While attending to another customer, I try to hurry as I'm hoping she comes to my till. 

Unfortunately she's seen by my colleague before I am finished. I tried to ask her how she was, but she didn't look at me, I'm not sure if she didn't hear me or was ignoring  me or playing it cool? She walked out. I was pretty bummed. But I'm wondering why she would come to my work when she knew I was there. She's not really a gamer. She smiled at me. Surely if she had zero interest and didn't want to know me, she would go to one of the other stores? I would avoid someone I didn't like at all. 

She looked so pretty and I'm bummed. I'm thinking of texting her something a lot less heavy, like a joke or maybe a link to something cool? I just want to open the lines of communication. It doesn't need to be a date right away, but maybe she wants me to persue some more due to my lack of before? Thoughts please? 

 

 

 

 

[clia]

7 minutes ago, ht.lp said:

Update: I did call her on the 16th, no answer so I try one more time the next day. No answer, so this time I leave a text saying "I hope you are well. I'm just contacting you as I would love another chance to take you out. I realise I acted a bit lukewarm and dropped the ball on not asking you for another date. If there was anything there at all, please get in touch and we can set something up " Silence. And I was pretty dissapointed. 

...

 I smile and say hi, she smiles and kinds of nods then carries on. 

I tried to ask her how she was, but she didn't look at me, I'm not sure if she didn't hear me or was ignoring  me or playing it cool? She walked out.  I was pretty bummed. But I'm wondering why she would come to my work when she knew I was there. She's not really a gamer. She smiled at me. Surely if she had zero interest and didn't want to know me, she would go to one of the other stores? I would avoid someone I didn't like at all. 

I'm thinking of texting her something a lot less heavy, like a joke or maybe a link to something cool? I just want to open the lines of communication. It doesn't need to be a date right away, but maybe she wants me to persue some more due to my lack of before? Thoughts please? 

How much more of a clobber over the head do you need that she is not interested?  

Please, please, do not contact her again.  If you happen to see her in your store, you can say hello, but that's it.  Leave her alone.  

As for why she went to your store, maybe it was just more convenient for her that day.  It's a store -- she's allowed to shop there even though you work there.  Stop trying tor read something more into it.  She made absolutely no indication whatsoever that she wanted to talk to you when she was there.  Again, leave her alone.