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Would you try to incorporate the love language from someone's profile on 1st date if you know little about her?

max3732

By max3732
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max3732 Established Member

max3732

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Finally one of these dating apps has paid off and I have a date this weekend. The thing is she didn't put much on her profile so I'm not really sure about what to talk about or expect during the date (assuming she shows up). From her profile I know some basic info like where she lives, her age, etc as well as her love languages. This is something I've seen on a few profiles but never really thought about much. She put "Physical touch, quality time, and acts of service". That's pretty much all I know about her.

The extent of our conversation so far was me asking about a picture she had on her profile and then she mentioned her favorite food and I suggested we meet up at a place that has it and she agreed. So aside from the usual 1st date questions "what do you do, where are you from, what do you like to do for fun, etc" all I really have to go on is food and these love languages. Does the fact that she put physical touch mean I have green light to touch her in safe places during a 1st date? Should I ask her about them?

In another thread I know someone said she didn't like guys asking her out just for her looks, but that's pretty much what I've done here.

BaileyB Established Member

BaileyB

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A first date with a stranger from the internet is an invitation to get to know each other a little bit over drinks and or diner. It’s not an invitation to touch her or assume anything more intimate than exactly what you describe - typical questions to learn more about each other, try to make her laugh, and see if you have enough in common that you both want to meet again. Good luck! 

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Lotsgoingon Established Member

Lotsgoingon

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You absolutely do NOT have a green light to touch her.  Touch comes with knowing someone and them signaling that they want to be touched.

Her liking touch means when she's dating someone she likes affection. She doesn't want random people touching her. 

Ignore that stuff you read and just show up with curiosity and some enthusiasm.

 

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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You need to read body language and feel chemistry to know if touch is welcome.  If she's constantly outside your personal space, then assume she's not ready for any touching.   But if she's leaning in, standing near etc, then perhaps it's worth a shot.

Also, it was me who talked about not being chosen for looks.  But that was in the context of a cold approach...and it was also just about my own preference.  This woman is on a dating app and she knows that her looks are a large part of the choice.  

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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what a ridiculous thing to put on a profile.   Even if love languages are a thing, it's a 1st date.  There is no room for love in there.  It's too much too soon.  However, since she said she responds to touch & acts of service -- open a few doors for her; help her on with her coat & hold her hand.  

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max3732 Established Member

max3732

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12 minutes ago, d0nnivain said:

what a ridiculous thing to put on a profile.   Even if love languages are a thing, it's a 1st date.  There is no room for love in there.  It's too much too soon.  However, since she said she responds to touch & acts of service -- open a few doors for her; help her on with her coat & hold her hand.  

I think it's ridiculous too. Guess there is a book that talks about love languages and a lot of people believe it. If someone asked me about mine I don't know what I'd say. Since that's pretty much the only thing on her profile I didn't know if she's expecting guys to read something into that.

d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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You can't tell anything about a person from the profile.  Go on the date & get to know her the old fashioned way -- by talking in person.  

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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I wouldn't do anything that you wouldn't do otherwise. My best advice for finding the right match for you is to simply be your best self. You don't need someone who's attracted to a person that you're just pretending to be. but of course anyone being their best self should include being considerate to the other person and sensitive to their feelings.

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max3732 Established Member

max3732

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21 minutes ago, preraph said:

I wouldn't do anything that you wouldn't do otherwise. My best advice for finding the right match for you is to simply be your best self. You don't need someone who's attracted to a person that you're just pretending to be. but of course anyone being their best self should include being considerate to the other person and sensitive to their feelings.

That's my plan. I've had more success when I'm myself and not trying to impress anyone. When I've been taken in by how pretty she is or that we have so much in common is when I've tended to not get a 2nd date. 

Before I was kind of obsessed with trying to get a 1st kiss but since I've been able to get it recently it's not as big a deal for me. She doesn't live that far from me so it's not a huge investment. We're going to meet at a casual restaurant and hopefully things will go well.

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preraph Established Member

preraph

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Sounds fun. You'll be fine. Dates are just to get to know people. Best not to put too much pressure on yourself and just go into it with an open mind and a light heart.

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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How is she going to put she doesn’t want guys asking her out for her looks when on online dating, where people only have pics and profile to go on, she has almost nothing in her profile? Lol 

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basil67 Established Member

basil67

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11 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

How is she going to put she doesn’t want guys asking her out for her looks when on online dating, where people only have pics and profile to go on, she has almost nothing in her profile? Lol 

You misread it Cookies.  Max said that "someone" didn't want to be picked up for looks....that was me on the supermarket thread. 

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Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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Ohhh right, right. Thanks 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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max3732 Established Member

max3732

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Well here's what's happened so far. When I asked her yesterday she said "sure I'd love to go out to lunch with you tomorrow. Just let me know where". So I sent her a couple choices and a time and haven't heard back. This is what I hate about OLD. Now I have a dilemma about whether to contact her again about what happened or if I should suggest another time/place. 

Would she really say she'd love to go out with me if she didn't? Some kind of thing to spare my feelings? Or is she just playing hard to get? If she's not interested I wish she'd just say it and she can't make it today and wants to reschedule I wish she'd tell me!

Erik30 Established Member

Erik30

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I would just wait. Don't forget that she left you hanging, so she should be the one trying to reach out. It's not looking good, but next time just suggest one place.  If you don't hear anything from her, it's her loss and you move on to the next one

Edited by Erik30
Miss Spider Established Member

Miss Spider

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I think you made it a mistake when you made her pick the time and place and put it back on her. I hate when guys do that. It seems like they lack confidence and/or kind of lazy about it. I can maybe understand asking her what time works for her, but making her pick everything after you’re the one who asked her out isn’t the best move imo 

Edited by Cookiesandough
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Kitty Tantrum Established Member

Kitty Tantrum

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1 hour ago, max3732 said:

When I asked her yesterday she said "sure I'd love to go out to lunch with you tomorrow. Just let me know where".

So I sent her a couple choices and a time and haven't heard back.

Big mistake. Big, big mistake. She told you to let her know where.

Being indecisive and leaving the woman you're ostensibly pursuing to pick up the logistical efforts (when she's already put the ball firmly in your court) is a great way to see things fizzle out before they even start.

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max3732 Established Member

max3732

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3 hours ago, Kitty Tantrum said:

Big mistake. Big, big mistake. She told you to let her know where.

Being indecisive and leaving the woman you're ostensibly pursuing to pick up the logistical efforts (when she's already put the ball firmly in your court) is a great way to see things fizzle out before they even start.

Let me rephrase that. I didn't just say "you pick" between 2 places.

I said this place near me is really good, but I see it might be a little far for you so we could also go to this other place that's closer to you, but I haven't been there before. Then I asked if she'd been to the other one. I didn't let her pick the time. I picked the time.

PinkFlamingo Established Member

PinkFlamingo

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4 hours ago, Cookiesandough said:

I think you made it a mistake when you made her pick the time and place and put it back on her. I hate when guys do that. It seems like they lack confidence and/or kind of lazy about it. I can maybe understand asking her what time works for her, but making her pick everything after you’re the one who asked her out isn’t the best move imo 

Yeah, if a guy is not decisive about time and place and throws the ball back at me, I'm out. I'm pretty sure, some of these guys are decent, friendly people, maybe just insecure, but I just can't deal with that. The message this kind of behavior conveys is, "I am incompetent."

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SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

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22 hours ago, max3732 said:

I think it's ridiculous too. Guess there is a book that talks about love languages and a lot of people believe it. If someone asked me about mine I don't know what I'd say. Since that's pretty much the only thing on her profile I didn't know if she's expecting guys to read something into that.

It’s about compatabilty long term mostly.   Failure to understand them is often the doom of an otherwise good relationship. 

SumGuy Established Member

SumGuy

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13 minutes ago, max3732 said:

Let me rephrase that. I didn't just say "you pick" between 2 places.

I said this place near me is really good, but I see it might be a little far for you so we could also go to this other place that's closer to you, but I haven't been there before. Then I asked if she'd been to the other one. I didn't let her pick the time. I picked the time.

I find that perfectly legit.   Did that all the time when OLD never had as issue.   I like how you described why of the two choices.  
 

Frankly if that is too much of a logistical load for someone (A or B) I wouldn’t want to date them.   

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max3732 Established Member

max3732

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1 hour ago, PinkFlamingo said:

 

Yeah, if a guy is not decisive about time and place and throws the ball back at me, I'm out. I'm pretty sure, some of these guys are decent, friendly people, maybe just insecure, but I just can't deal with that. The message this kind of behavior conveys is, "I am incompetent."

So if a guy says "I really like place X, but that might be a little far for you. There's another place closer to you that looks good, but I haven't been there before. Have you tried it?" You would instantly think that he is incompetent and wouldn't want to meet him and see what he has accomplished in life? 

PinkFlamingo Established Member

PinkFlamingo

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14 hours ago, max3732 said:

So if a guy says "I really like place X, but that might be a little far for you. There's another place closer to you that looks good, but I haven't been there before. Have you tried it?" You would instantly think that he is incompetent and wouldn't want to meet him and see what he has accomplished in life? 

No, that is ok. I was mostly replying to Cookie's answer. I remember a guy who had been bugging me to go out on a date with him. I finally relented. But he was so incompetent with suggesting a location, that I had to do a Google research myself with an internet connection at modem speed (I had just moved and didn't have proper high-speed internet yet). Then he had trouble finding the place (no, it was not difficult to find) and arrived late, then later during the conversation I learned that he was still living with his ex-girlfriend.

But I also abhor the women (girlfriends) who just say, "No, I don't like that," and expect you come up with one suggestion after another without making any effort on their own to come up with ideas or voicing what they themselves would prefer.

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d0nnivain Established Member

d0nnivain

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14 hours ago, max3732 said:

So if a guy says "I really like place X, but that might be a little far for you. There's another place closer to you that looks good, but I haven't been there before. Have you tried it?" You would instantly think that he is incompetent and wouldn't want to meet him and see what he has accomplished in life? 

Some women will find that to be a sign of a man who is indecisive & beta.  As you phrased it you were trying to give her a choice & be accommodating between distance vs not wanting the date ruined because the place was awful since you had no personal experience with it.  You did the gracious thing.  While some women may be put off by that, don't change.  If you had left it solely up to her as in making her pick in a vacuum that would have been wholly wishy-washy & bad.  Asking her to make a choice between two options was just fine.  

If she couldn't have courtesy to get back to you, I'd write her off as rude.  

Fletch Lives Established Member

Fletch Lives

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On 2/14/2020 at 3:50 PM, max3732 said:

Does the fact that she put physical touch mean I have green light to touch her in safe places during a 1st date? Should I ask her about them?

 - never. You are best not to touch a woman until you have established chemistry with the first big kiss. And you might want to let her initiate  much of the touching in the beginning. Don't touch a woman until you know she's into you - if she does not like you, it's offensive. (I'm not talking about innocent touches on the shoulder to get her attention when her back is turned, or a hug, that's okay).

That book covers a very narrow part of relationships, so I would not let it lead your relationships decisions. Additionally, did you know that the vast majority of women like affection?

 

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