Husbandssecret Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 (edited) Hi all, Reading through some of these stories I have realized my situation is far more common than I thought. To give you some background, I am a woman dating a married man. We’ve been having an affair for 4 years now. I usually don’t participate in forums but I’ve reached a point where I’m pretty sure that I need to end this relationship. Basically our story is similar to most. We met at work. I fell head over heels in love with him and I’m positive he Is in love with me too. When we started, he told me he was in the process of ending his marriage. The marriage was dead because she had an affair and continued to lie about it. He had 2 young kids that he was worried about screwing up, because he came from a broken home. I also experienced my parents very nasty divorce and so I was all for ending his marriage slow to do it the best way for the children. We thought we would only be doing things this way for a year. 10 months later, his wife found out. He convinced her that our affair was done and they continued on “their path to ending their marriage amicably”. Before I knew it, 1 year turned to 2 years, turned to 4 years. Most recently we had discussed different time frames. First, he had promised that things would be done and they would be physically separated by the summer of 2018. Then the holidays came and went. Their family went on a trip for the holiday. Then the next time frame came up when I swore I was done Jan 2019. He promised that things would be done by summer 2019. So I again waited. But May came around and their dog died, his wife had a cancer scare, and they ended up going on another family trip. Finally I told him that if they weren’t physically separated by Jan 2020, we were done. Welllll.. Jan has come and gone and I’m still here. He says that she has been apartment searching and that he isn’t pushing or prying for her plan because he thinks if she comes to the conclusion that they are getting a divorce on her own and she is the driver of it, he will have a better outcome with his kids. In addition, this month, things have blown up at work and he is considering looking for a new job along with his grandfather has now been moved to hospice care. One side of me says that I’ve paid my dues and the time came and went, another promise broken, and that I need to be done. The other part of me is so in love with him that I don’t want to give up on him, especially in his time of need. I don’t want to hurt him while he’s going through stressful life events. I know there’s never a good time, but he is the love of my life and I can’t wrap my head around leaving him during such a stressful time. If I hang on for another couple months, will we get the happily ever after I’ve been waiting for? He says he has all these trips for us planned for the end of summer and fall where we will be “out in the open and doing this the way we have wanted”. with how things have gone I’m hesitant to believe him. And with how things have been going, there’s this feeling in my gut that they are far from being physically separated. I am feeling so torn. I think I know the right thing to do but it’s so hard to actually go through with ending things. Any advice on how to move forward? I’ve thought about telling him that things are done and when he is actually divorced and if he still wants us then he can prove it by coming after me. I guess I’m in this weird spot where I know very well his actions aren’t matching up with his words. How did you all decide it was time to end things? Edited February 16, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator cleaned up 1
BaileyB Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 13 minutes ago, Husbandssecret said: When we started, he told me he was in the process of ending his marriage. We thought we would only be doing things this way for a year. 10 months later, his wife found out. He convinced her that our affair was done and they continued on “their path to ending their marriage amicably”. One side of me says that I’ve paid my dues and the time came and went, another promise broken, and that I need to be done. The other part of me is so in love with him that I don’t want to give up on him, especially in his time of need. I know very well his actions aren’t matching up with his words. How did you all decide it was time to end things? Google search, “sunk cost fallacy.” Your time to leave was when his wife discovered your affair and he convinced her that your affair was done. He made his decision then, he chose his wife... He may have convinced her that you were done, but he also convinced you that he was “continuing on their path to divorce.” The simple truth, very few men leave their marriages for their affair partner. If they do, they usually do it pretty quickly and they do it pretty decisively. The stats will show, very few relationships that began as an affair succeed. And if they do, it’s an uphill battle that takes time, is very stressful, and often occurs at great financial cost, emotional cost, and at the cost of valued relationships. 9
elaine567 Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 (edited) 1 hour ago, BaileyB said: Your time to leave was when his wife discovered your affair and he convinced her that your affair was done. He made his decision then, he chose his wife... Agreed.OP, This man is a cake eater. He has his wife and kids and he has a younger OW on the side. What's not to like? He is living the dream... He is not giving up that arrangement any time soon if he can help it. You, I guess are not seen by him as "wife material", else he would have made you his wife in an instant. You are "other woman" material. He is stalling with excuse after excuse, as he wants to maintain the status quo. He has no intention of leaving his wife and he will string you along for another 4+ years if you let him... He is only in love with one person and that is himself. He has wasted 4 years of your youth, don't let him waste a second more. Love doesn't look like this, there is no happy ever after here.. Edited February 13, 2020 by elaine567 5
BaileyB Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 (edited) On 2/13/2020 at 6:25 PM, elaine567 said: He has wasted 4 years of your youth, don't let him waste a second more. Those four years are simply among the best in your life. A time when you should be dating and building a relationship with a man with whom you can build a life, travel, dream of a family... You will look back on this someday and think - what did I do? An older man simply does not leave his wife, the mother of his children, for a younger woman. His friends and family would not support this decision. He would be the source of gossip and ridicule. He would have to give half of his wealth to his wife - and pay child support for years. Not going to happen - especially when he has four years to make it happen and he is no closer to leaving today than the day you met. I’m so sorry, but it’s definitely time for you to move on... Edited February 16, 2020 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 4
mark clemson Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, Husbandssecret said: One side of me says that I’ve paid my dues and the time came and went, another promise broken, and that I need to be done. The other part of me is so in love with him that I don’t want to give up on him, especially in his time of need. I don’t want to hurt him while he’s going through stressful life events. I know there’s never a good time, but he is the love of my life and I can’t wrap my head around leaving him during such a stressful time. If I hang on for another couple months, will we get the happily ever after I’ve been waiting for? He says he has all these trips for us planned for the end of summer and fall where we will be “out in the open and doing this the way we have wanted”. with how things have gone I’m hesitant to believe him. And with how things have been going, there’s this feeling in my gut that they are far from being physically separated. I am feeling so torn. I think I know the right thing to do but it’s so hard to actually go through with ending things. Any advice on how to move forward? You almost had me. But nah, IMO he wants to continue having you be the patch on his marriage. He's the love of your life. But are you the love of his life? Who is he choosing to spend it with? Advice: Be firm about it. Waffling will just tear your heart up more. Consider finding someone new sooner rather than later. Also don't expect quite the same level of intensity from a normal, healthy relationship. For whatever reason, often our brains seem to "want" a person we can't fully have more than one we can. Bite the bullet and stay strong if/when he tries to reel you back in or makes even more extravagant promises. Sometimes they even leave the wife but then go back to her as per a recent thread. Be cautious AND maintain your resolve. Edited February 13, 2020 by mark clemson 3 1
Artdeco Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 (edited) I would distance myself.that way you’ll get more clarity, you’ll be less distracted, and he can take care of his divorce business, IF that’s what he wants to do. He can seek you out later, once everything is dealt with, or at least initiated, and then who knows.....you might not want him anymore. And if you do, go from there. And if he doesn’t go ahead with his separation/divorce, you’ll have at least an answer that’s clear. Withdraw from the affair, no need to let him know. If he asks, tell him politely that you'll give him space to figure it all out and to get it all done. You’ll be there later. i’m not going to comment on the age difference, even though I think it’s too big Edited February 13, 2020 by Artdeco 2 1
elaine567 Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 He hasn't even got to the separated bit yet, never mind a divorce... 2
Starswillshine Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 Oh honey, the love of your life will never be someone else 's husband. Move on and find your real love of your life. 9
stillafool Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 As far as you not wanting to leave him in his time of need and staying put for support; that is what his wife is for and that is the person he is leaning on when he's stressed. I doubt very much his wife is looking for an apartment. 4
Author Husbandssecret Posted February 14, 2020 Author Posted February 14, 2020 Gosh I’m feeling so sick to my stomach reading all these responses. I know you are all likely right about this but for some reason it’s taken me this long to finally realize that I need to be done. I’m young, highly educated, successful, and beautiful. I should be spending my 20s meeting my real life partner and being a person in my 20s, not dealing with this drama. I can’t believe I’m in this situation. I think we all can agree that you never think it would happen to you. 3 1
Author Husbandssecret Posted February 14, 2020 Author Posted February 14, 2020 20 minutes ago, S2B said: And when you said he went on vacation with his wife and family - I was expecting that... wasn’t that a huge blow enough to wake you up and realize this guy is a lying sack of poo? sheez, a guy prepping to divorce doesn’t go on vacation with his wife! he will use you as his OW until YOU say NO MORE! He is never gonna end this... he’s got TWO women serving all his fantasies and needs! you want something to happen? Get honest with his WIFE! She deserves to know what a schmuck she’s married to! I would never do him or his family harm. I’ll just silently exit and while his wife deserves to know, I know the damage that does to the kids and the kids are the ones who ultimately end up paying for it in the end. I don’t wish ill for him. I just need to be done. and agreed, I should have known with the many family trips that I was being taken for a ride but he’s very good at manipulating me into thinking I just need a “better perspective” and to think about our connection, everything he’s done has “been for the kids” 2
BaileyB Posted February 14, 2020 Posted February 14, 2020 (edited) 13 minutes ago, Husbandssecret said: I think we all can agree that you never think it would happen to you. Sure, but the situation you find yourself in is a direct result of the choices you have made for yourself. It’s not chance. Maya Angelou’s famous quote - “When you know better, you do better.” I hope you have the courage to go in search of that which you seek to find! Best wishes. Edited February 14, 2020 by BaileyB 4
Author Husbandssecret Posted February 14, 2020 Author Posted February 14, 2020 2 minutes ago, BaileyB said: Sure, but the situation you find yourself in is a direct result of the choices you have made for yourself. I’m not saying this to be unkind, I just want you to realize that. Maya Angelou’s famous quote - “When you know better, you do better.” I hope you have the courage to go in search of that which you seek to find! Best wishes. I’m 100% responsible for my participation in this and the length of time it has dragged on. I own that and know that I am better and need to do better. No excuses, no blame on anyone but myself. Love is a crazy thing and I did get caught up in that feeling. It took me longer than most maybe to realize this was not the life I wanted or deserved. But please don’t think I’m over here feeling bad for myself. I know the role I played and I’m not proud of it. Thank you for your input and feedback! 3
Author Husbandssecret Posted February 14, 2020 Author Posted February 14, 2020 13 minutes ago, S2B said: Let us know how it goes when you end it, well be here to support you! He will definitely manipulate you to try and get you back into your OW role! be sure he knows that until he shows the finalized divorce papers - there’s not one thing to believe about him divorcing! Thank you so much! Yes I know now everything he’s doing has been for him but my point is that he’s very good at sweet talking and manipulating. I will keep you updated and will definitely need y’all as sounding boards when I end things because I know he’s going to try to talk me out of it and try to get me to hang on “a little longer”. I plan to end things tonight. I already have planned everything I’m going to say. If he’s truly where he says they are in their divorce then the idea of us reconnecting when it’s all final won’t be an issue. I anticipate he’s not actually where he says he is so he will push back a lot I think.
Mrin Posted February 14, 2020 Posted February 14, 2020 37 minutes ago, Husbandssecret said: Thank you so much! Yes I know now everything he’s doing has been for him but my point is that he’s very good at sweet talking and manipulating. I will keep you updated and will definitely need y’all as sounding boards when I end things because I know he’s going to try to talk me out of it and try to get me to hang on “a little longer”. I plan to end things tonight. I already have planned everything I’m going to say. If he’s truly where he says they are in their divorce then the idea of us reconnecting when it’s all final won’t be an issue. I anticipate he’s not actually where he says he is so he will push back a lot I think. Good luck! Hold firm and don't let him get physical. That's the oldest trick in the book. 3
Author Husbandssecret Posted February 14, 2020 Author Posted February 14, 2020 3 minutes ago, S2B said: Yep!^^^^^ he thinks as long as he’s having sex with you he’s still got you on the hook! ... which he does for most women... because most women tend to get/stay emotionally connected with someone they have sex with. Decide no sex with him when you tell him tonight. Absolutely! I already decided that. I feel so sick to my stomach I’m sure that won’t be an issue for me. And yes it’s definitely his go to move. He’s actually thrown fits when I’ve said things like “I’m not feeling in the mood” or “It feels like all we do is have sex” and then he guilts me into feeling like I just have a bad perspective that our time is much more than just sex. The last time this happened was last week and it stood out to me a ton. He’s done it in the past but this last time was so childish that I let him just leave. Definitely will be on the lookout! 1
BaileyB Posted February 14, 2020 Posted February 14, 2020 37 minutes ago, Husbandssecret said: He’s actually thrown fits when I’ve said things like “I’m not feeling in the mood” or “It feels like all we do is have sex” and then he guilts me into feeling like I just have a bad perspective that our time is much more than just sex. How ironic, that he says this when he wants sex and you have denied him sex. If your time is so much more than just sex, he wouldn’t have thrown a tantrum when you were not in the mood. 1
Author Husbandssecret Posted February 14, 2020 Author Posted February 14, 2020 Update: I ended things via phone. His response was that “we need to pull together more than ever” while he goes through the hardest thing he’s ever had to face. He said that his wife is moving out in a few weeks. My response to that was if she’s leaving in a few weeks then what does it matter things ending now and then in A few weeks when you’re separated and or divorced then we do this the right way. He says me leaving now makes me fair weather. Basically saying that I’m only good to stick around for the good stuff and can’t deal with the bad. I laughed at that. He ended up having to go because someone was coming (probably his wife) so we didn’t finish the conversation necessarily but I have a feeling he’s not going to chase after me. 1 1
Author Husbandssecret Posted February 14, 2020 Author Posted February 14, 2020 4 minutes ago, BaileyB said: How ironic, that he says this when he wants sex and you have denied him sex. If your time is so much more than just sex, he wouldn’t have thrown a tantrum when you were not in the mood. Oh yeah it’s laughable. It’s always him trying to get me to see through a “better perspective” when actually I’m pretty sure it’s just him manipulating me. It’s always about him. He’s had a long week. He needed time with me because he’s had no hope lately and I give him hope. Basically I’m an escape from his real life. He wants to keep me locked away as a dirty little secret forever. I should have told him to go screw himself when my dad died 2 years ago suddenly and tragically, and he was away on vacation with his wife and family. Don’t worry though he supported me through emails. What a kind gentleman! 1 1
BaileyB Posted February 14, 2020 Posted February 14, 2020 13 minutes ago, Husbandssecret said: I’m pretty sure it’s just him manipulating me. It’s always about him. He’s had a long week. Affairs are generally one sided, unbalanced relationships. One person has more control than the other. One person benefits more than the other/gets their needs met more than the other. 2
Author Husbandssecret Posted February 14, 2020 Author Posted February 14, 2020 42 minutes ago, S2B said: Man, I bet he doesn’t believe you’re done. watch, he will expect to see you tomorrow like nothings changed. Just don’t answer his calls - the only thing he’s gonna say is stuff to get you back into his OW position. glad you were strong! Yeah maybe he doesn’t believe I’m done! He hasn’t tried to call back surprisingly, so... maybe he’s making this easy on me! He said his initial reaction was to try to fight for me but he loves me and is going to support what is best for me. That was after he tried everything else. Guilting me that he’s losing everything in his life. He tried every manipulation but I didn’t waiver. My guess is he resorted to that at the end because he wanted to give me what I wanted to hear.
Ellener Posted February 14, 2020 Posted February 14, 2020 14 hours ago, Husbandssecret said: I usually don’t participate in forums but I’ve reached a point where I’m pretty sure that I need to end this relationship. Really! 8 hours ago, Husbandssecret said: He ended up having to go because someone was coming (probably his wife) so we didn’t finish the conversation necessarily but I have a feeling he’s not going to chase after me. If you want other people to value you make your own values a bit solid-er! and value yourself a bit more. You are better than this. 1
BaileyB Posted February 14, 2020 Posted February 14, 2020 (edited) 10 hours ago, Husbandssecret said: He says me leaving now makes me fair weather. Basically saying that I’m only good to stick around for the good stuff and can’t deal with the bad. He needs to deal with his own stuff. You can’t help him with his divorce. If and when he ever divorces, he is going to have a lot of feelings, logistics to work out, kids that he needs to settle, new home to set up - he needs to do all of that, you can’t help with any of that. The fact that he would want to use you as an emotional crutch (not that I believe him, I think he’s trying to guilt you into staying) is a HUGE red flag. Good for you for ending it! You have your whole life ahead of you - go out there and start living it!! Edited February 14, 2020 by BaileyB 1
Syre17 Posted February 14, 2020 Posted February 14, 2020 Husbandssecret, You’re situation is remarkably similar to what mine was, except that I followed through with leaving my wife for my AP who ultimately never “truly” left. You can read my original post for that whole sordid affair...pun intended. Nevertheless, I can give you some insight into your experience. When you used the word “promise” I experienced the exact same thing. I was promised over and over and over again that she was planning on leaving by such and such date which would come and go. Similarly, there was ALWAYS something in the way of that...a parent who wasn’t feeling well and from her “I don’t want to stress them out even more by leaving right now...” The “excuses” ran the gamut. She would talk to me in terms of absolute certainty about our future together. I’d constantly hear “when I leave we’re going to go here...or we’re going to do this...” She knew exactly what to say and I was convinced that she’d follow through...if only I gave it another month, another couple of months, just six more months. Those months eventually spanned the course of five years...wasted. I too had to sit back while she continued to go on vacations with her family, while I was home, adrift in a sea of misery. Lastly, your comment about him wanting to allow his wife to come to the conclusion of divorcing on her own and being the driver of it so the outcome is better for him literally sounds verbatim what my ex AP told me. I swear it’s like he’s the male version of her... I was told the exact same thing. As far as my AP, she’s still married and clearly right where she wants to be, which is still with her H. Her past suggestions that she’d eventually “do things the right way and leave” and find me...never happened. What’s strange is, as head over heals as I once was for her, if she showed up on my doorstep today, I’d tell her that there’s no us, and there never will be...and I’m actually single at the moment. Once I came out of my affair fog and gained clarity, I began seeing her in a completely different light. Take it from me, someone who was deeply in love with my AP and was convinced that my AP was deeply in love with me, your best course is to cut him out of your life and not waste another second. It will be difficult, but I found a lot of clarity and sage advice on this board. I do hope you find your path through this. 9
Author Husbandssecret Posted February 14, 2020 Author Posted February 14, 2020 2 hours ago, Syre17 said: She would talk to me in terms of absolute certainty about our future together. I’d constantly hear “when I leave we’re going to go here...or we’re going to do this...” She knew exactly what to say and I was convinced that she’d follow through...if only I gave it another month, another couple of months, just six more months. Those months eventually spanned the course of five years...wasted. Syre17, Thank you for sharing your story. It’s really helpful to hear someone who was in the exact same situation made it to the other side and is doing well. He talked to me in terms of certainty as well, which I think is the hardest thing. He always would say things like when he’s divorced and even had exact details of a trip he’s “planning” for us in August because he’d be “divorced” by then. How can someone talk to somebody in that way? Plan out their life with you with no intention on actually following through? It’s crazy that your AP said the same thing as mine in regards to the divorce. Even now as he swears it’s happening he says it’s over and she’s planning to leave but he doesn’t want to push her for her plans because he wants her to feel like she’s driving it completely separate from him. But then when I ended things last night verbatim he said “This is not something I can come back from. I am sorry. This is too much. We were literally weeks away from having this every night and you abandon me/us at our most critical moment. I can’t make it past that. I wish you the best. Honestly!” That was the email he wrote me after our phone call ended abruptly. He was saying this in response to my offer for him to come to find me after his divorce is finalized. It feels like he’s saying it’s his road or the highway. There’s no alternative path to the forever he promised me. During our relationship I would challenge that. I’d ask if it’s true love then why can’t we just find each other after all the dust settles and pick up where we left off? His concern was that he couldn’t be with me if he knew I had dated during the time we weren’t together.
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