Been living in my head trying to decipher if I ruined any chances with this woman....

[kingof123]

I’ve been living in my head thinking about what went wrong with this woman I’ve fallen for. Apologies for the long post, but I wanted to release my thoughts and hear some perspectives from the community here.

We first met back in summer 2018, connected briefly, then went back to our respective countries which are on opposite sides of the world. We stayed in touch at times, texted here and there. In Christmas 2018, I asked her out for dinner as I travelled to her country for vacation. It was at that point that I started liking her. However, of course the distance amongst us made it impossible for us to meet each other again.

Again, throughout 2019, we still texted sporadically, and it intensified during the second half of the year, in which we would text almost every day and have occasional scheduled calls. While we still lived far away, I felt there was a connection between us and the conversations have always been… natural, raw and personal. As we grew closer, I picked up the courage to do things that I hoped would show how much I cared for her, such as sending her a gift on her birthday, which she seemed to love. I’ve always been wearing my heart on my sleeve to show my affection towards her - although I never said “I like you”. And it was clear that we really liked speaking with each other too.

After almost half a year of texting and calling, we met again in Christmas 2019 as I travelled to her place. At this point, I started to really like her but was unsure of what would happen with the distance - and the fact that there’s no chance of us moving closer to each other in the next 1-2 years. We went out four times and I had the best time - personal and genuine conversations, romantic dinners, etc. I did what I thought would show her I cared for her - flowers, gifts with handwritten notes, picked up the tabs and thoroughly planned the dates to her liking. By this point, it was clear that both of us really enjoyed each other’s company. She seemed to love the times we had together and was receptive of my advances.

While I really liked her, I was still hesitant to tell her outright I liked her, as I was still hoping there would come a day in which we’ll live in the same city together, and I’d stand a better chance then. Sounds cliche, but I liked her that much that I was willing to wait for that day.

Anyway, after returning home, we still texted. I did a couple more things to keep keep the “sparks”, e.g. sending flowers to her office, which she seemed to love! 

However, a few weeks ago, things started to turn different. We were supposed to schedule a call but her schedules had turned busy with work and other commitments, so we’ve had to postpone. I wanted to speak with her again so I did follow up on her schedule. I didn’t have any reason to believe that she didn’t want to speak with me - everything was going well just before that. Nevertheless, she started going distant and didn’t respond to the texts. I didn’t hear back for a couple of weeks, couldn’t call her, reached out to her via email and finally managed to hear back. She said she’s been hectic so wasn’t able to communicate via texts anymore. I was surprised so decided to tell her outright how I felt and asked if she still wanted me to be in touch. She then said she just wanted to be friends. However, it was clear from the past weeks that she’s grown distant - even as a friend - which was unlike what has been happening for the last six months or so. 

I’ve been trying to decipher what exactly went wrong and if I’ve done anything wrong. Was it because I double-texted at times? Was it because I followed up on our call during her busy schedule? Did I seem to be a bother amidst her schedule? Was I too expressive in the texts? 

I’m not hoping but I’ve been thinking whether I’ve done anything that ruined the chances I’ve had with this woman.

[Gr8fuln2020]

Sorry. Long distance relationships normally do not work unless there is a sooner than later plan to be together. Your relationship was international, even worse odds and the odds are very small. Without a plan to be close, one or the other person is typically keeping local options open.

I suspect that she finally got back with an ex or found someone local. No way she was only focusing on you. Sorry. Nothing that you did wrong. You did as much as you could under the circumstances. Find someone local.

Edited February 13, 2020 by Gr8fuln2020

[chillii]

l think too much internet for you my friend if a few text could be all it took then something else was wrong. Two people should be far far more relaxed and at ease long long long before all that where some silly thing like that doesn't even exist.

Sorry to say though , but it was a very long and extremely slow and cautious story and l think there in was the problem.Why so formal and drawn out with all that time knowing each other and what was she doing for you in things too, with you going to all that trouble for her . l think she met someone else while she was waiting my friend. But who knows , maybe that won't even go anywhere and your hearing from her again in a few mths but right now l'd just let it go and leave it be it's what she wants.

Edited February 13, 2020 by chillii

[elaine567]

On 2/10/2020 at 3:55 AM, kingof123 said:

After I told her how I felt and she "friendzoned" me, she actually added that she would like our relationship to be on a mentoring or coaching basis...

^^^From your other thread.
By keeping in touch she was in fact "networking", you were "wooing".
Once your romantic intentions became clear and could no longer be ignored any longer, she was forced to tell you "Lets just be friends".

[kingof123]

Thanks all. It's been obvious that our interactions have been more than purely "networking" though, it's been genuine friendship at the very least. I was confused by her choice of words too - was she trying to say that she didn't want to be "friends" for the risk of me trying to woo her again? 

[Gr8fuln2020]

Did you kiss or have sex with her when you visited her? Anything romantically physical happen? All moot. It may be her way of letting you off the hook because she wants to move on. I could understand that.

[elaine567]

I think she is telling you to forget the highly personal/friend stuff and that she wants to move it on to a more formal mentoring/coaching arrangement
Are you a lot older/more senior in rank perhaps?
She obviously values your advice and feels she would benefit from your work experience. but in a purely platonic less personal way.
More of a coworker than a friend/lover, I guess. 

[kingof123]

I'm surprised by this too. What could be the reasons for her in wanting to do so? 

[Gr8fuln2020]

13 minutes ago, elaine567 said:

I think she is telling you to forget the highly personal/friend stuff and that she wants to move it on to a more formal mentoring/coaching arrangement
Are you a lot older/more senior in rank perhaps?
She obviously values your advice and feels she would benefit from your work experience. but in a purely platonic less personal way.
More of a coworker than a friend/lover, I guess. 

I am now confused. Did I miss a post? This has become a whole different animal.

[elaine567]

16 minutes ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I am now confused. Did I miss a post? This has become a whole different animal.

There is another whole thread, same subject..

[smackie9]

She's probably dating someone.

[Caauug]

15 hours ago, kingof123 said:

I’ve been trying to decipher what exactly went wrong and if I’ve done anything wrong. Was it because I double-texted at times? Was it because I followed up on our call during her busy schedule? Did I seem to be a bother amidst her schedule? Was I too expressive in the texts? 

I’m not hoping but I’ve been thinking whether I’ve done anything that ruined the chances I’ve had with this woman.

LDR can work, I am proof of that.

LDR must have a closing date where they are no longer long distance. During a LDR be prepared to be dumped and or be cheated on. Not everyone can do a LDR, both have to really want it!!!

What you did wrong was invest your time, money and feelings into someone that is still looking for the best possible mate for them. You were long distance and not ticking as many boxes as the new guy. Don't take it personally (I know, it's hard not to) but you can not change what evolution has made. She is looking for a mate, not just texts and a couple of dates every few years. AWALT

Most of the Disney movies have it wrong.... Except Cinderella. 

[ExpatInItaly]

It sounds to me like she's met someone else. 

[todreaminblue]

i don't feel you have done anything wrong maybe she was into you at the beginning but nothing seemed to happen so she moved on.....thats not your fault  and its not hers either at least she was open with you and didn't lead you on she respected you to share truth...which is showing a certain kindness towards you in honesty.

 

next time maybe when you develop feelings for someone its better to be open and honest and share them sooner...so you don't waste any time if the feelings aren't reciprocated, at least then, you can move on to meeting someone who would share your feelings equally as you do.....best wishes ...deb

[chillii]

23 hours ago, Gr8fuln2020 said:

I am now confused. Did I miss a post? This has become a whole different animal.

ha, l must've missed it too, man that thing was long. But l still think she's just simply moving on.

[Lotsgoingon]

If you can't directly ask her what's up and what happened, then you didn't have a relationship that could last ... certainly not a long distance relationship.

LDRs require a lot of clear and open communication to overcome or minimize the problem of distance. If you can't ask her this directly, then the relationship was going nowhere. 

Why don't you ask her what happened?