emmab219 Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 I met this guy about three weeks ago on the apps. Initially, on our first date, we both talked about just really wanting something casual and someone to spend time with, but of course isn't it just my luck that I actually like this one. And he's point blank told me he likes me too. Yet he does and says s*** all the time that confuses me. Most recently, said he unmatched me because he saw I updated my pictures and it made him jealous thinking about who else I might be talking to. Keep in mind, that a few days before I saw he updated his bio to 'just looking for fun' and I didn't say a word to him. Because this is supposed to be casual, I thought, and dating around is normal. Well then he "jokingly" made a comment that I was texting other Tinder guys while he was in the bathroom (I was not), and said he sensed a reluctance in me that made himself reluctant. What? If anything I'm reluctant to get more attached when I get mixed signals about what you're after. Even the way he communicates throws me off. One week he's texting me every single day to talk or ask to see me, then the next he's taking over 24 hours to respond to me (but still looking at my social media stories). Yet in person, he has no issues holding my hand, paying for everything, kissing me in public, calling our outings 'dates'. So I feel his actions are constantly contradictory. He says one thing, yet does another. Am I being breadcrumbed? I feel like an idiot for even writing this, but I'm annoyed as I'm once again over here waiting for a response to a text I sent YESTERDAY morning about hanging out (and once again, he's not answering but looking at my socials and posting to his own). So if his aim is to drive me insane, it's working. For clarification, we're both in our 30s which I feel is too old to be playing games if that's what this is. Maybe I should just move on? Maybe I'm overreacting? I'd be fine keeping it casual, but my god he's in my head and I hate it. TLDR; Met a guy via the apps a few weeks ago. Said he was just looking for something casual, yet the way he acts/talks seems to constantly contradict that and I have no idea what's going on. Think I might be getting breadcrumbed.
I'veseenbetterlol Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 Actions always speak louder then words. The communication thing shows he isn't super into you. He shows affection when its convenient, even then everything will die down eventually. I had a guy like this (long distance). Constantly forgot video call dates and would take forever to respond. He not posted on social media when he wasn't answering, but was glued to texting his friends when he was with me. Found out he didn't want a relationship. If he likes you, there won't be 24 hours in between texts. 1
Silver_star Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 It definitely is games. I think he is just keeping options open, and is not so smooth about going about it. Even guys that are not exclusive will probably want to know about how many guys you might be talking to or dating on the side, so it seems he is trying to get more information from you to get to know more about the guys you are seeing. Perhaps it was because he is also messaging several girls on Tinder as well. Maybe he sees you as too available to him, and if he is looking for more of a chase. The first week he wanted to hook you with the texting everyday, and then he is lackluster in his efforts...that is not a good sign, if he is not reaching out to make plans with you or he is ignoring your attempts then he is doing things at his convienience only as he is out there hooking other options, so he can date a variety of women that feed his ego. He said himself he is looking for some fun. It's Tinder afterall. It probably feels nice for him to take a girl out, kiss and go on dates, but his lack of effort in between the times he drops you off shows you it's on his terms only. It doesn't sound like he wants to get to know you, and it sounds like you are now Plan B, and the next Match on Tinder is Plan A. He is still fishing.
Author emmab219 Posted February 12, 2020 Author Posted February 12, 2020 (edited) I figured as much. Actions definitely do speak louder than words, and definitely could just be fishing for info about who else I’m talking to. From the beginning I’ve assumed he is talking to others (as am I, but I would’ve dropped them if this turned into something). I don’t think I’m being too available. I’m not texting every day or even every other day. Yesterday was the first I’ve talked to him since Sunday and it was to make plans for the weekend. I’d say it’s an even mix of who texts first, and who asks to go out. But yeah, 24 hours without a response is very telling. If he was really interested in me, he would find time. I think maybe I need to just stop talking to him in general or I’m going to end up hurt instead of just annoyed. Edited February 12, 2020 by emmab219
Blind-Sided Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 Ummmm....... Sounds like there are some games on both sides here. But you agreed to a casual relationship. So... in that situation... there should be no "Bread Crums" since there shouldn't be a real relationship. Since you like him... just tell him, and say you would like something more.
Author emmab219 Posted February 12, 2020 Author Posted February 12, 2020 I don't feel like I'm playing games at all...but I get where you are coming from. I'm definitely not trying to play...we did agree to something casual. But it didn't feel casual in our conversations or when we were together. And that's my mistake. He knows how I feel, I've told him as much. There was a point when I lost interest in the app, but when I popped back on and saw he updated his bio, that's when I was very reminded that this is casual. So I put up new pics and started swiping again. A little bit in the hopes of maybe meeting someone who would take my mind off this guy. Hasn't really worked. From what I know, breadcrumbing doesn't have to be about a relationship at all. I feel like it's just sending out misleading signals, or making things appear in a way they really aren't. But yeah, I get it. We agreed casual, it's my fault I caught feels, and now I'm stuck trying to decipher all this bulls*** that means nothing at all because this was never going to go anywhere to begin with. Just is a not fun feeling.
Blind-Sided Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 (edited) Breadcrumbing is leaving a trail to someone, that's just enough to keep them around. The other side of it is "Monkey Branching" where you don't break up until you find someone new. BUT... since there really wasn't a solid relationship... and he was open to date others (that you agreed to)... then he contacts you as much as needed. That's just the nature of an open/casual/not-serious relationship. I guess it's just semantics at this point. The thing is... you want it to be serious and exclusive, but he doesn't. So... you made a new profile, or updated your profile to kind of put it back into his face. (That's the game) You should say that you have feelings, and would like to be exclusive. If he says no... then that's your answer. (unfortunately) And since that's not what you want... you move on. (And I know that sux, and I'm sorry) Edited February 13, 2020 by Blind-Sided 1
Ami1uwant Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 I look at breadcrumming is agame of chase and p,saying hard to get. that doesn’t sound like it. the problem here is at the start this was casual. So there should be no jealousy.
Author emmab219 Posted February 13, 2020 Author Posted February 13, 2020 11 minutes ago, Ami1uwant said: I look at breadcrumming is agame of chase and p,saying hard to get. that doesn’t sound like it. the problem here is at the start this was casual. So there should be no jealousy. I think that’s what started to throw me...was the jealousy comments?? Probably the point when I started to wonder if he also felt the same or not. I was really fine keeping it casual and simple but then I just started overthinking everything and now here I am. Also just feel it’s rude to leave someone waiting for an answer to a text for over a day. No reason. Just say you’re busy or you don’t want to hang out and I would say okay and make other plans. Like a grown up.
Ami1uwant Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 2 hours ago, emmab219 said: I think that’s what started to throw me...was the jealousy comments?? Probably the point when I started to wonder if he also felt the same or not. I was really fine keeping it casual and simple but then I just started overthinking everything and now here I am. Also just feel it’s rude to leave someone waiting for an answer to a text for over a day. No reason. Just say you’re busy or you don’t want to hang out and I would say okay and make other plans. Like a grown up. With texting...I’ve had this happen to me sonetines I don’t get alerts to texts or my phone is on mute or I coukd just forget. Before reacting. Do another text and see. sonetines peop,e don’t respond because they want you around as a back up plan while the go after someone else,
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 You declared you wanted a casual relationship but when things got sexual, you pulled back.
MsJayne Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 I think you're both victims of the stupidity that is dating apps. People put that they only want casual dating, because that protects them from the nutter who gets angry if you put that you want a relationship but then don't want one with them when you actually meet them. Then when you do meet someone you like, you're afraid to let on that you really like them because you think they only want the casual thing and you don't want to deal with the possible rejection. People are literally afraid to be honest because, thanks to OLD, dating has become an ugly cesspool where every step of the way you have to watch out for the type of a-holes who use people. I use this rule.... If I go on a second date, I'm interested, if I go on a third date I've stepped into territory where, if I decide I no longer want to see the other person I have a social obligation to tell them, and if I do want it to go further I also have to tell them that. Keeping it casual just allows people to, at worst, behave like ill-mannered jerks, and at best just makes it go all fuzzy and awkward. Don't let anyone put you in that unsure, insecure position, just straight up ask him whether he'd like to be exclusive and if he'd consider getting off Tinder while you see how it goes. How are you supposed to progress from dating to anything else if you're still on a dating app? Staying active on them just puts the mozz on any chance at making a go of a relationship because both people are rightly distrustful of each other. 3
Aus Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 My heart's desire is for us women to stop thinking/declaring that we are capable of something casual, majority of the time we end up with egg on our faces. see case and point (yet again) there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, we are nurturing caring emotional creatures and should not apologise for it. It's what makes us great mothers, friends, wives, siblings, daughters etc. So you caught feelings, he knows this, but continues to treat you like crap. An alpha male, gentleman would've pulled the plug and stated that he cannot give you what you need and cut all contact to allow you to go forth and seek what you need. This guy gets jealous, lurks and pops in and out of your life as he pleases. Adolescent behavior at best. So we know what's wrong with him. So I have to ask, what is wrong with you? Why are you allowing this man to dance in and out of your life and jerk you around as though you have no control over the situation. This is not a good man, you cannot give him this much control and power. He will absolutely not do the right thing and let you down easy. As long as you participate in this twisted scenario, he will stick around You have to be your own executioner because this cowardly dude will erode your self esteem and emotional well being. BLOCK him everywhere. And please don't come at me with I don't want him to think he got to me emotionally, girl he KNOWS. Protect yourself, please
Ellener Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 10 hours ago, emmab219 said: I feel like an idiot for even writing this, but I'm annoyed as I'm once again over here waiting for a response to a text I sent YESTERDAY morning about hanging out (and once again, he's not answering but looking at my socials and posting to his own). I don't think that's unusual, I refused to do social media for years and this online dating has been confusing for me too. People do seem very mixed up about what they want from relationships since the last time I was free and single, it's got so much less romantic and utilitarian. Don't wait around, get busy with your own wonderful life is what I do. The men can come and go!
Author emmab219 Posted February 13, 2020 Author Posted February 13, 2020 6 hours ago, Ellener said: I don't think that's unusual, I refused to do social media for years and this online dating has been confusing for me too. People do seem very mixed up about what they want from relationships since the last time I was free and single, it's got so much less romantic and utilitarian. Don't wait around, get busy with your own wonderful life is what I do. The men can come and go! Thank you, I won't. I was married before this, so I really never dated until now. It's all super confusing to me. I really did think I just wanted something casual until I met this one, and then I changed my mind. But I made other plans for tonight with girlfriends, and am busy the rest of the weekend with friends and family so I'm going to do my best to just not think about. Would it be dramatic to delete him from my social media? If you can't answer a text, you don't need to be my Instagram friend or anything. 1
Author emmab219 Posted February 13, 2020 Author Posted February 13, 2020 6 hours ago, Aus said: My heart's desire is for us women to stop thinking/declaring that we are capable of something casual, majority of the time we end up with egg on our faces. see case and point (yet again) there is absolutely nothing wrong with that, we are nurturing caring emotional creatures and should not apologise for it. It's what makes us great mothers, friends, wives, siblings, daughters etc. So you caught feelings, he knows this, but continues to treat you like crap. An alpha male, gentleman would've pulled the plug and stated that he cannot give you what you need and cut all contact to allow you to go forth and seek what you need. This guy gets jealous, lurks and pops in and out of your life as he pleases. Adolescent behavior at best. So we know what's wrong with him. So I have to ask, what is wrong with you? Why are you allowing this man to dance in and out of your life and jerk you around as though you have no control over the situation. This is not a good man, you cannot give him this much control and power. He will absolutely not do the right thing and let you down easy. As long as you participate in this twisted scenario, he will stick around You have to be your own executioner because this cowardly dude will erode your self esteem and emotional well being. BLOCK him everywhere. And please don't come at me with I don't want him to think he got to me emotionally, girl he KNOWS. Protect yourself, please Wow, I think this is totally what I needed to hear. It definitely does seem like adolescent behavior, the lurking and only reaching out when it's convenient for him and ignoring me otherwise. I've been on quite a few dates over the last few months, and it just seems ironic that the first guy I actually catch feelings for is the one who just wants to play games. I have no idea why I'm allowing him to yank me around like this, but it does need to stop or it's going to drive me even more insane and my self-esteem is going to take a hit. I'll do what you suggested and delete him from my life.
Author emmab219 Posted February 13, 2020 Author Posted February 13, 2020 10 hours ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: You declared you wanted a casual relationship but when things got sexual, you pulled back. That's actually not what happened at all.
Author emmab219 Posted February 13, 2020 Author Posted February 13, 2020 10 hours ago, Ami1uwant said: With texting...I’ve had this happen to me sonetines I don’t get alerts to texts or my phone is on mute or I coukd just forget. Before reacting. Do another text and see. sonetines peop,e don’t respond because they want you around as a back up plan while the go after someone else, I understand that sometimes people are poor texters, but it's been literally two days now. And I know he's using his phone. So even if he forgot I texted him, if he thought about me at all he would have probably opened up our messages to send something to me and he hasn't. Pretty much speaks for itself. I probably am his back-up plan.
Author emmab219 Posted February 13, 2020 Author Posted February 13, 2020 8 hours ago, MsJayne said: I think you're both victims of the stupidity that is dating apps. People put that they only want casual dating, because that protects them from the nutter who gets angry if you put that you want a relationship but then don't want one with them when you actually meet them. Then when you do meet someone you like, you're afraid to let on that you really like them because you think they only want the casual thing and you don't want to deal with the possible rejection. People are literally afraid to be honest because, thanks to OLD, dating has become an ugly cesspool where every step of the way you have to watch out for the type of a-holes who use people. I use this rule.... If I go on a second date, I'm interested, if I go on a third date I've stepped into territory where, if I decide I no longer want to see the other person I have a social obligation to tell them, and if I do want it to go further I also have to tell them that. Keeping it casual just allows people to, at worst, behave like ill-mannered jerks, and at best just makes it go all fuzzy and awkward. Don't let anyone put you in that unsure, insecure position, just straight up ask him whether he'd like to be exclusive and if he'd consider getting off Tinder while you see how it goes. How are you supposed to progress from dating to anything else if you're still on a dating app? Staying active on them just puts the mozz on any chance at making a go of a relationship because both people are rightly distrustful of each other. You're right. And I really detest OLD for all those reasons. Second dates are rare for me, and third dates even more rare. I have had casual relationships before, where there was no problem of jealousy or anything. We hung out, sometimes hooked up, sometimes didn't, and it fizzled out on its own. So I really thought it was possible to have that again with someone, but the difference is I developed feelings for this one. But it did shake me out of the mindset of 'casual' relationships altogether. I've realized I don't want what anymore. I think you hit the nail on the head with the whole 'afraid of saying how you feel so acting like you want something casual to prevent rejection'. But in scenarios like this, maybe outright rejection is better than just being strung along and hoping something might change when I know it won't. I do feel like I don't deserve to be treated like a benchwarmer...and be ignored until it's he needs attention or whatever the hell this is all about. I don't even know if I want to ask him what he thinks about trying to be real about this. I'd almost just rather delete him from my socials, let it go, and try and meet somebody who can and wants to try to actual date and work towards something.
Ellener Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 (edited) What I have found with this guy I'm dating, he's at work before 7 and goes to bed super early, so if I call or text in the evening during the week he's not available, he's likely to be sleeping! Don't overthink it. 30 minutes ago, emmab219 said: Would it be dramatic to delete him from my social media? If you can't answer a text, you don't need to be my Instagram friend or anything. I'd just let it fade naturally if it was me. But I did have an over-reaction to a guy I had a brief fling with a year ago when he confessed he was married...I told him off on the phone because it was the first question I asked him too when we met! Dating can be a minefield it seems, most of us seem to have had the same problems and experiences and a lot of it is down to social media in my opinion, it makes people weak and manipulative and flaky. We present images not realities with profiles. I deleted all mine, but that's just me! (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Edited February 13, 2020 by Ellener spelling
Author emmab219 Posted February 13, 2020 Author Posted February 13, 2020 14 minutes ago, Ellener said: What I have found with this guy I'm dating, he's at work before 7 and goes to bed super early, so if I call or text in the evening during the week he's not available, he's likely to be sleeping! Don't overthink it. I'd just let it fade naturally if it was me. But I did have an over-reaction to a guy I had a brief fling with a year ago when he confessed he was married...I told him off on the phone because it was the first question I asked him too when we met! Dating can be a minefield it seems, most of us seem to have had the same problems and experiences and a lot of it is down to social media in my opinion, it makes people weak and manipulative and flaky. We present images not realities with profiles. I deleted all mine, but that's just me! (((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((((( )))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))))) Oh wow, that's a well-deserved freak out! What an a**h***! I just find social media annoying mostly. My friend told me either delete him, or let him keep lurking and watching my stories so he can watch me move on to better things lol. 1
Ellener Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 27 minutes ago, emmab219 said: My friend told me either delete him, or let him keep lurking and watching my stories so he can watch me move on to better things lol. It'll be okay. I don't really believe in revenge as such but the quotation says 'the best form of revenge is a well-lived life'!
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 2 hours ago, emmab219 said: That's actually not what happened at all. Then move on... To declare to a guy "I want a casual relationship" and you didn't pull back when things got sexual, it means he is not interested, period... Like you basically told him you want FwB, most guys would jump at the opportunity.
Author emmab219 Posted February 13, 2020 Author Posted February 13, 2020 29 minutes ago, CAPSLOCK BANDIT said: Then move on... To declare to a guy "I want a casual relationship" and you didn't pull back when things got sexual, it means he is not interested, period... Like you basically told him you want FwB, most guys would jump at the opportunity. I think it's more of an issue that he wasn't interested in anything more than sex, which is exactly what a FWB relationship is. So probs my wanting more is what did it, but yeah I agree he's clearly not interested anymore but I'm more annoyed he just decided to ignore me instead of just saying as much.
ExpatInItaly Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 21 hours ago, emmab219 said: But it didn't feel casual in our conversations or when we were together. And that's my mistake. He knows how I feel, I've told him as much. Can you clarify what you mean by this? What didn't feel casual coming from a guy you've known only 21 days? Also, what did you say when you told him how you feel? I agree with the others that he doesn't sound all that interested. His questions about you talking to other guys could have been either: A) his ego talking, or B) an opportunity to exit stage left without feeling like the bad guy. He appears to have been sincere that he really did only want something casual with you. I would let this one fizzle out.
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