Cold approaching attractive woman at grocery store anxiety

[BaileyB]

Yeah, I’m not calling any strangers who give me their phone numbers at the grocery store. 

Edited February 13, 2020 by BaileyB

[gaius]

I'm not sure what the visceral reaction over the grocery store in particular is about but that's how you succeed as a man. By being bold. Wherever you are.

It's brought me more than I ever thought I'd get in this life and men should take the chance. If there's a chance they could pull it off.

Edited February 13, 2020 by gaius

[basil67]

31 minutes ago, gaius said:

I'm not sure what the visceral reaction over the grocery store in particular 

For me, it's not about it being a grocery store.  It could equally be a book store or the middle of a mall.    It's about a guy coming up and asking me out based on what I can only assume is my appearance.  I want to be wanted for who I am, not what I look like.  Likewise, I have dated men for who they are, not what they look like.   

Now, if we're talking about somewhere where being social is expected - pub, dog park, then it's not so strange.   A guy could build a rapport before asking me out.

 

Edited February 13, 2020 by basil67

[Timshel]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

For men, it's not about it being a grocery store.  It could equally be a book store or the middle of a mall.    It's about a guy coming up and asking me out based on what I can only assume is my appearance.  I want to be wanted for who I am, not what I look like.  Likewise, I have dated men for who they are, not what they look like.   

Now, if we're talking about somewhere where being social is expected - pub, dog park, then it's not so strange.   You can build a rapport before asking her out.

 

Yes this, I will bow out because I don't want to gang up on my husband and for the record, we did not meet this way.  We have discussed this and this is exactly what I have said to him.  Thank you for the support ladies and I do know that my hubs means well and now I will exit this thread.

[basil67]

I completely understand Timshel.   

To explain a little further, being wanted because of my looks makes me feel like a prize rather than a person.  

[Ellener]

25 minutes ago, basil67 said:

A guy could build a rapport before asking me out.

That's what my doctor said about it.

[gaius]

If you personally would feel more comfortable meeting someone in a dog park basil then that's your right. But why do you think a guy at a dog park would try to build a rapport with you in the first place? Because he can sense you're a great humanitarian? It's for the same reason he would approach you at the grocery store, what he sees and what he senses. You're fooling yourself if you think it's all that different.

Accepting a number from a guy at the grocery store would allow you to open a line of communication and build a rapport like any other. You women are acting like it's some kind of whorish thing to do, to the point my wife felt the need to add a disclaimer that we didn't meet that way, when it's the same as most courtships. You're not pledging to sleep with the guy just by texting him your number. 

The funniest thing about this whole thread is that I've been stuck at a really boring work orientation all day, and there's exactly one female in our class. One guy who's bold and has no filter has been trying to talk to her all day. And while others in the class have snickered over his actions, like people in this thread, I've noticed during breaks that she's been getting closer to him all day, and they were planning on having dinner tonight when we left. I've been watching a guy probably get laid, or at least get a number in real time as you pretend what he does doesn't work on the internet.

[Miss Spider]

It’s just not really a place people go to be social. You just want to go and get your Froot Loops and milk and go. Not be stopped by guy who thinks you’re attractive. And if you aren’t particularly receptive to it, like cautiouslyoptimistic said, you’re often  seen as a stuck up B. I realized the other day I  cover myself up with my hoodie at the gas pump when others are around because for some reason guys got this memo that that’s a great place to hit on chicks hahah

[Timshel]

nope

Edited February 13, 2020 by Timshel

[basil67]

19 minutes ago, gaius said:

If you personally would feel more comfortable meeting someone in a dog park basil then that's your right. But why do you think a guy at a dog park would try to build a rapport with you in the first place? Because he can sense you're a great humanitarian? It's for the same reason he would approach you at the grocery store, what he sees and what he senses. You're fooling yourself if you think it's all that different.

I had a pretty unusual dog and many people started talking to me about him.  Old, young, male, female, families.    And I initiated conversations with plenty of others too.  It's not just guys coming onto me, it's the whole social aspect of being at the dog park.

I would also expect the guy at the dog park to talk with other people at the dog park of different ages, genders and appearances. 

Quote

Accepting a number from a guy at the grocery store would allow you to open a line of communication and build a rapport like any other. You women are acting like it's some kind of whorish thing to do.

It's not whorish...I don't know where you get that from.   I simply would never give my number to someone who I have no rapport with.   And certainly not someone who's approach was to compliment me.       

Quote

The funniest thing about this whole thread is that I've been stuck at a really boring work orientation all day, and there's exactly one female in our class. One guy who's bold and has no filter has been trying to talk to her all day. And while others in the class have snickered over his actions, like people in this thread, I've noticed during breaks that she's been getting closer to him all day, and they were planning on having dinner tonight when we left. I've been watching a guy probably get laid, or at least get a number in real time as you pretend what he does doesn't work on the internet.

If it's orientation, you all got introduced.  Everyone is talking to each other, it a social environment and they've built a rapport.   I too would go on a date with him.    It's not a cold approach and for this reason, it's more likely to work.

Edited February 13, 2020 by basil67

[max3732]

9 minutes ago, Cookiesandough said:

It’s just not really a place people go to be social. You just want to go and get your Froot Loops and milk and go. Not be stopped by guy who thinks you’re attractive. And if you aren’t particularly receptive to it, like cautiouslyoptimistic said, you’re often  seen as a stuck up B. I realized the other day I  cover myself up with my hoodie at the gas pump when others are around because for some reason guys got this memo that that’s a great place to hit on chicks hahah

 

When I go to the store I often see people who run into each other talking and carrying on long conversations. Once I had a conversation with a famous athlete after this woman took my cart and he alerted me to it.

I've also talked to people at gas stations, but it's usually other guys if they have a cool car. If there was a woman with a cool car I'd like to strike up a conversation with her about it. If I did that would it be wrong to ask for her number afterwards?

[max3732]

58 minutes ago, basil67 said:

For me, it's not about it being a grocery store.  It could equally be a book store or the middle of a mall.    It's about a guy coming up and asking me out based on what I can only assume is my appearance.  I want to be wanted for who I am, not what I look like.  Likewise, I have dated men for who they are, not what they look like.   

Now, if we're talking about somewhere where being social is expected - pub, dog park, then it's not so strange.   A guy could build a rapport before asking me out.

 

What if the guy starts talking to you about ketchup or asking you about recipes and then says he enjoyed the conversation and asks for your number?

I do feel uncomfortable going up to someone based entirely on her looks, but that's why I'd like to chat a bit and see if there's any kind of connection. That's also what I think a first date is about. If you both live pretty close to each other what's the harm in meeting once to see if you like each other for who you are? 

OLD hasn't worked for me and I'm trying to meet someone. It seems like you're saying I can't talk to people on the street since I don't know them. I don't go to any functions where you're expected to talk to each other that's not all guys.

[basil67]

13 minutes ago, max3732 said:

If there was a woman with a cool car I'd like to strike up a conversation with her about it. If I did that would it be wrong to ask for her number afterwards?

Not wrong if you had easy and flowing conversation.

[basil67]

17 minutes ago, max3732 said:

 

 

17 minutes ago, max3732 said:

What if the guy starts talking to you about ketchup or asking you about recipes and then says he enjoyed the conversation and asks for your number?

If we are busy chatting and connecting for 15 mins and there's so much more to say, then yes, I'd probably give my number.   If it's a chat about sauce and one recipe, then probably no.   It's about the quality of the conversation.

Quote

I do feel uncomfortable going up to someone based entirely on her looks, but that's why I'd like to chat a bit and see if there's any kind of connection. That's also what I think a first date is about. If you both live pretty close to each other what's the harm in meeting once to see if you like each other for who you are? 

The whole 'lets meet up and see if we click' thing sounds awful.  If we can't click before giving my number, then it's unlikely we will afterwards.  

Quote

OLD hasn't worked for me and I'm trying to meet someone. It seems like you're saying I can't talk to people on the street since I don't know them. I don't go to any functions where you're expected to talk to each other that's not all guys.

I frequently say 'good morning' to people passing me on my quiet street as I head out for the day.  I've met some lovely strangers who are perusing my 'little library' on the front fence.   Yes, you can talk with people, but don't expect that they'll give you a number based on little conversation.  

What about mixing up your social life a bit?  Do you have a good mixed gender friend group who you go out with?

Edited February 13, 2020 by basil67

[basil67]

@gaius Why did the guys at the course snicker at the fellow who got to know the woman and asked her out?  

[max3732]

4 minutes ago, basil67 said:

 

If we are busy chatting and connecting for 15 mins and there's so much more to say, then yes, I'd probably give my number.   If it's a chat about sauce and one recipe, then probably no.   It's about the quality of the conversation.

The whole 'lets meet up and see if we click' thing sounds awful.  If we can't click before giving my number, then it's unlikely we will afterwards.  

I frequently say 'good morning' to people passing me on my quiet street as I head out for the day.  I've met some lovely strangers who are perusing my 'little library' on the front fence.   Yes, you can talk with people, but don't expect that they'll give you a number based on little conversation.  

What about mixing up your social life a bit?  Do you have a good mixed gender friend group who you go out with?

No, I don't have a good mixed gender friend group I go out with. Someone I met through OLD said she wanted to be friends and I've gone out with her as friends once. Other than that there are a couple of women I play tennis with who are married/have boyfriends. That's it.

All of my other friends are married with children. I've mentioned this before, but I feel like time has flown by and I'm the last one stuck alone. Of course I'm glad to have Valentines day to remind me of that.

[BaileyB]

I just have a lot of stranger danger. A guy would have to work really hard to overcome the voice in my head that says - run!

[Miss Spider]

28 minutes ago, max3732 said:

 

When I go to the store I often see people who run into each other talking and carrying on long conversations. Once I had a conversation with a famous athlete after this woman took my cart and he alerted me to it.

I've also talked to people at gas stations, but it's usually other guys if they have a cool car. If there was a woman with a cool car I'd like to strike up a conversation with her about it. If I did that would it be wrong to ask for her number afterwards?

Obviously, whether it’s right or wrong depends on the person you’re asking, but I don’t think you should do this. There’s a reason it feels awkward and unnatural to do it. You’re trying to rush and prematurely forge a connection with someone who is  just there to get gas or some ketchup. There are acceptable places for singles to socialize for a while and then exchange numbers. 

[gaius]

Because he was a little hokey and silly with some of the things he said @basil. And because people are jealous bitches. The snark started mostly when the woman started being receptive. But his raw boldness won the day anyway, as raw boldness usually does. When accompanied with confidence.

I don't think it's just the fact that a guy talks to you about your unusual dog or that he speaks to people of all ages and genders that would spark your attraction. It's that you two over the course of interaction would discover you have that whatever it is connection that draws people together. You can start that discovery at the dog park or the grocery store. Just at the grocery store you end up on the phone earlier because it's not a format that allows long conversations to develop, unless you're stuck in a line.

I was lucky enough to meet my wife online, in a format where I had a decent opportunity to start a conversation and keep it going, but I would hope that if life had been different and the only time we crossed paths was one day at the grocery store that I would have made a move and she would have been receptive. Because if we had met and let what we have now slip away and never happen, over some dumb sht like being disdainful of the grocery store as an accepted meeting venue, it would have been a genuine travesty. It hurts to think such an opportunity could have been wasted.

After that boring day I'm going to play Star Wars and veg out for a while, so good luck max, whatever you decide to do.

[Metsgal]

Only if the guy was hot, I'm okay with "cold approaches" since I live in the Midwest , I find it rare people do that , I think to myself if an average looking guy approached me at the store, I'm thinking of an escape plan b/c he's probably going to abduct me....then again, I watch too many crime shows like forensic files. 

Places like stores are a no-go for me..I don't know why. Its creepy. Festivals, amusement parks I wouldn't mind. 

Edited February 14, 2020 by Metsgal

[Miss Spider]

17 minutes ago, Metsgal said:

Only if the guy was hot, I'm okay with "cold approaches" since I live in the Midwest , I find it rare people do that , I think to myself if an average looking guy approached me at the store, I'm thinking of an escape plan b/c he's probably going to abduct me....then again, I watch too many crime shows like forensic files. 

Places like stores are a no-go for me..I don't know why. Its creepy. Festivals, amusement parks I wouldn't mind. 

This made me laugh a bit. He’s hot  = it’s okay. He’s average= ew he’s going to kill me 

Hahaha I can hear the rage of a thousand men, but hey you’re honest about how you feel 

[Ami1uwant]

2 hours ago, max3732 said:

 

When I go to the store I often see people who run into each other talking and carrying on long conversations. Once I had a conversation with a famous athlete after this woman took my cart and he alerted me to it.

I've also talked to people at gas stations, but it's usually other guys if they have a cool car. If there was a woman with a cool car I'd like to strike up a conversation with her about it. If I did that would it be wrong to ask for her number afterwards?

 

 

Unless you have a conversation that goes beyond the car dont do that.

 

instead wait to see her again then you can approach her.

[rightondude]

just be a loveable goofball to everyone you meet, and then you don't have to worry about how you act towards a woman wherever you happen to meet her. Because it's just you being you. Practice being an awesome you. Also, be really attractive. That helps a ton. 

 

[ChatroomHero]

3 hours ago, basil67 said:

I completely understand Timshel.   

To explain a little further, being wanted because of my looks makes me feel like a prize rather than a person.  

So you're saying any guy you find unattractive in the appearance category, as long as he is nice to you and you have something in common and have a decent conversation, you would date? You've never seen a guy on the street or in a bar and thought, he's hot! I'd love to meet him? You have never panned some dude because you were not attracted to him or found him ugly?

Looks and attraction are a major part of a relationship. If a guy approaches you based on being attracted to you, how is that different than if he finds you completely repulsive but sees you're reading a book he liked? Does either define you in your entirety or make him any less superficial? No, either of those reasons are just the thing that made him notice you. Looks matter to everyone and the people that say they don't count in a big way in a relationship are either low on self-confidence or not being honest.

Thinking I would reject a woman because she came up to me and said, "Hey, I think you are attractive. My name is Amy" and me responding, "I am at the top of my field and very well respected for my talent and ingenuity on highly technical projects, I am great with kids and animals and I play in multiple sports leagues and I have an amazing sense of humor, good day to you, woman!!!" is just crazy.

I'll tell you something...no man that is NOT attracted to you will ever approach you interested in a date without being drunk and horny. So every man you ever talk to that asks you out on a date thinks you are attractive on a level that he is willing to accept and based a major part of his decision to ask you out on his level of attraction to you. I mean, are you saying if you had a decent conversation with a guy and he said, "Basil67, you are as ugly as a hammerhead shark with acne but we have a lot in common. Do you want to go on a date?"...this would flatter you and the guy would win extra points from you for not asking you out based on looks?

I understand not basing a relationship merely on looks but not wanting to be approached by someone simply because the only thing he knows about you is what you look like seems a little extreme. Besides, how do you know the guy wants you until you go on the date? When I ask attractive women out, I hold judgment because like most men over 28 or 29, I know the bat sh*t crazy vs hotness ratio. I don't "want" you just because I approached you and asked you out. I am trying to get a date to find out if you are worth "wanting" and one of my prerequisites is that your beauty will at the minimum level to keep me from throwing you out a window 15 years later when you complain the 8 millionth time that I folded the towels wrong.

 

[Interstellar]

2 hours ago, Metsgal said:

Only if the guy was hot, I'm okay with "cold approaches" since I live in the Midwest , I find it rare people do that , I think to myself if an average looking guy approached me at the store, I'm thinking of an escape plan b/c he's probably going to abduct me....then again, I watch too many crime shows like forensic files. 

Places like stores are a no-go for me..I don't know why. Its creepy. Festivals, amusement parks I wouldn't mind. 

But...but...women aren’t into looks.