max3732 Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 I've tried talking to random strangers and can do that, but trying to talk to someone I find attractive is a whole other ball game. Everyone always says to practice with people you're not interested in, but that hasn't worked for me. Yesterday I saw someone who was really attractive and she even had things in her cart I was thinking I could talk to her about. Then I went up and as I got closer my mind just went blank and I felt like someone knocked the wind out of my sails. So I just walked past her and pretended to be looking at something on the shelf, but I just couldn't figure out what to say and even if I did start a conversation what's the closing line? I think that's the part that trips me up that I don't have with random people I'm not interested in. What about "I've enjoyed talking to you. Can I have your number so we can meet up again" or something like that?
Allupinnit Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 Don't just chat up women you think are pretty. Chat up EVERYONE. Eventually it will become second-nature, and you'll find that striking up a conversation with a woman you're interested will just flow naturally and you won't give her the "I'm hitting on you" vibe. Unless you're hot, of course lol. But then people tend to perceive attractive people as more trustworthy, even if not the case. 5
Legatus Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 5 minutes ago, Allupinnit said: Don't just chat up women you think are pretty. Chat up EVERYONE. I agree with that. Only in recent years I realised that my brain would automatically stop me from being able to be me if I only approached women because they were attractive. It was like a switch. Don't get me wrong, I sometimes still chat to attractive women but the reason isn't just their attractiveness. I'm just not into NSA or ONS and I need the connection to feel attracted to the person.. I only realised this when I looked into my past and realised why, with some girls, it was always awkward to talk to, my brain would block, and I would need to force the interest. And then there are girls who are still attractive but I met them while dancing, hiking, teaching. 2
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 (edited) Compliment something about her as an opening. Anything, from the way she fixes her hair, her clothes, or the way she smells and don't forget to smile while doing it. Then, pay attention to her body language. If she timidly shrugs off your comment, tell her to have a nice day and continue on your way. (Smooth non creepy exit) If she's flattered, tell her your name, extend your hand for a hand shake and ask her what her name is. If she's not interested or married, she might resist. If so, apologize and tell her to have a nice day. Edited February 12, 2020 by Pleasant-Sage 1
alphamale Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 don't cold approach a girl unless she smiles at you and makes extended eye contact. that is the proverbial "green light" 7
Allupinnit Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 I have to disagree - do NOT make a comment on her appearance or tell her she smells nice LOL! If she is not attracted to you, she will react as if you're a total creep infringing on her personal space. NO. Just please don't. 5 3
preraph Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 I agree with Allupinit that you should not make a comment on appearance to a perfect stranger! It's inappropriate and will send up red flags to women. No. You just talk about the surroundings, like you would if it was a guy. 2 1
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 Based on the two replies who just wrote rebuttals to my advice. I have to say it must depend on where you are located on how you approach people. And not everyone has trust issues like most of the people who frequent this forum. There's nothing weird about inquiring what type of perfume she's wearing as a conversation starter. If she's wearing it that heavy, it's quite possible she's doing so to attract men anyways.
preraph Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 It's too personal, IMO, and would creep a lot of women out. 1
Fletch Lives Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 28 minutes ago, preraph said: I agree with Allupinit that you should not make a comment on appearance to a perfect stranger! It's inappropriate and will send up red flags to women. No. You just talk about the surroundings, like you would if it was a guy. - exactly. Just talk to her like a friend. If you can make a joke, so much the better. "Another day here at Wally World. It's what I live for!" At the end of the conversation, just ask for her phone number. Don't overthink it. 1 1
preraph Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 I talk to people all the time. The other day I was in Walgreens and there was this huge box of chocolates this lady (I'm a female - I wasn't hitting on her) was standing near and I just pointed at it and said, "You'd have to have one helluva boyfriend to buy that for you." Even better if it had been a guy, right? 6
Pleasant-Sage Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 (edited) 33 minutes ago, preraph said: It's too personal, IMO, and would creep a lot of women out. I can respect that and believe it's probably true for some women. I've also seen on multiple occasions where men make comments like "That's a beautiful dress" or "I love your hair" and the women are almost already asking for the guy's number. 27 minutes ago, preraph said: I talk to people all the time. The other day I was in Walgreens and there was this huge box of chocolates this lady (I'm a female - I wasn't hitting on her) was standing near and I just pointed at it and said, "You'd have to have one helluva boyfriend to buy that for you." Even better if it had been a guy, right? Being subtle definitely has its own advantages and that's a really great pickup line too. LOL I think most nervous men would struggle to transition the conversation to something more meaningful. Like the OP said, he went blank. Going blank in the middle of a conversation can be creepy and awkward too. You also have a very limited amount of time to get your point across that your interested in them. Edited February 12, 2020 by Pleasant-Sage 2
K.K. Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 26 minutes ago, preraph said: I talk to people all the time. The other day I was in Walgreens and there was this huge box of chocolates this lady (I'm a female - I wasn't hitting on her) was standing near and I just pointed at it and said, "You'd have to have one helluva boyfriend to buy that for you." Even better if it had been a guy, right? I do that too! Sometimes I’ll be in a really good mood and more friendly than I normally would be, I guess. I’ll strike up a conversation with anybody. The best is when you’re going to get a cart and you’re trying to find one that the wheel isn’t all gimped up on and you’ll commiserate with just about anybody because you have that thing in common of the carts sucking and you’re searching for the needle in a haystack together. So you pick one and laugh and go on your way and then all the way through the store you’re meeting your cart buddy in the aisles and giggling and asking if their carts holding up ok and high-five’ing. 3
Fletch Lives Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 29 minutes ago, preraph said: I talk to people all the time. The other day I was in Walgreens and there was this huge box of chocolates this lady (I'm a female - I wasn't hitting on her) was standing near and I just pointed at it and said, "You'd have to have one helluva boyfriend to buy that for you." Even better if it had been a guy, right? That's the way to do it! Be extroverted. 1
Fletch Lives Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 1 minute ago, K.K. said: I do that too! Sometimes I’ll be in a really good mood and more friendly than I normally would be, I guess. I’ll strike up a conversation with anybody. The best is when you’re going to get a cart and you’re trying to find one that the wheel isn’t all gimped up on and you’ll commiserate with just about anybody because you have that thing in common of the carts sucking and you’re searching for the needle in a haystack together. So you pick one and laugh and go on your way and then all the way through the store you’re meeting your cart buddy in the aisles and giggling and asking if their carts holding up ok and high-five’ing. - If I get a noisy one, as I pass people, I'll say, "I got a squeaker!" 1
Lotsgoingon Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 OP, I think you're suffering from self-induced male unrealistic expectations. You'll only get to wanting to ask someone out when naturally, without really trying, the conversation gets to that point. An example might be you see a woman wearing a jacket from a rec club you also go to or you have friends that go to. You say something about the jacket and the club and you might get a conversation going that's fun ... that reveals you know people in common ... you have a great conversation, despite yourself. It'll be clear at some point that you WANT to ask this person out--not because she's a random female who looks good, but because you and she seem to have a really good vibe. But that's ten steps down the road and happens rarely. Start with eye contact. Smile and say hello. See how she responds. If you want to say something else say it. But chill brother, you've got wildly unrealistic expectations of random meetings of strangers. Remember this woman you thought you should have approached could be married, could have a boyfriend who was waiting in the parking lot or shopping two aisles down. But that's all fine because all you want to do is, say "hi."! And see where things go. The advice to start saying hi to everyone is also spot on. Talking this way becomes a lot of fun in and of itself. And you get more confident and fluent saying something conversational in the moment. 3
preraph Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 20 minutes ago, Pleasant-Sage said: I think most nervous men would struggle to transition the conversation to something more meaningful. Like the OP said, he went blank. Yes, that is the bigger problem. I mean, no matter how you go about it, a woman offering her number to a guy she's talked to for two minutes at the grocery is awkward. I failed at it and I'm outgoing. Some years ago I was dressed up but had to stop at Sam's Club and walked in and right in front of me was a guy I was attracted to and our eyes locked. He followed me to the checkout line. All I bought was a huge deal of toilet paper. So on the way out the door, I purposely dropped the toilet paper and he helped and we talked and it was near Thanksgiving and he told me he was in town to see his parents and nice chat -- but still, neither of us had the nerve to take it that one step further and suggest getting together, and I know we both really wanted to! No time to think about what to say, you know. Now, if I had to do it again, I'd say something leading like, I remember when I used to go play pool and have a beer after the Thanksgiving dinner and that would have given him an opening, but again, no time to think! 2
CAPSLOCK CROOK Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 1 hour ago, alphamale said: don't cold approach a girl unless she smiles at you and makes extended eye contact. that is the proverbial "green light" The idea of the cold approach stems from the cold call in sales, which is defined as" Cold calling is the solicitation of business from potential customers who have had no prior contact with the salesperson conducting the call" I agree with with you, but the idea of the cold approach is to just approach out of the blue, with no prior contact of any kind. I have done cold calling in sales before and in that setting, our sales people were either almost 100% successful in their calls or 0. Cold calling is a gigantic waste of time in my opinion and I would suggest cold approaches are also a time sink. OP, When you approach somebody, even if you are not selling a product, you are still selling yourself to them, mostly on a social level... With this being said, you are going to find yourself with a lot more success when you work off of the social cues you are operating under, rather than just forcing yourself into the situation... People who force themselves onto us socially typically find themselves excluded, because we are innately programmed to determine that if you are forcing yourself, you are of little social value or have something of importance and relevance to the persons surroundings to share with them. Furthermore, others are going to observe you cold approaching people and once they do, they will be innately guarded against you. Whatever business you are in doing this, they will be quick to identify that you are basically harassing their customers and then you'll give yourself a reputation as a person who does these types of things... It is a small world, especially in a place like a grocery store, you will get recognized elsewhere and when you are, your reputation will be spread even further. If the social friction of cold approaching didn't build up, it would not be as bad of an issue, but this build up is definitely something you want to avoid. Do not force yourself onto people, but rather, act on the social cues. Selling isn't about dealing with yes, the yes will come, selling is about learning how to deal with no... By cold approaching, you are immediately forcing yourself into an objection scenario as a salesperson and when the person objects to you, it will be up to you to get past that objection and we mostly do that by BEGINNING to force ourselves onto the individual, but if you begin your approach by force, this battle becomes such an uphill one, its a waste of time. We want to apply more force in a scenario where we have built social value and by forcing, we are displaying confidence... The cold approach is much more arrogant than confident, in my opinion. 6
Lotsgoingon Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 Great points, Capslock. Responding to social cues is the way to go. The funny thing is once I got really hip to social cues, it dawned on me that I had been approaching women without getting any cues from them--and at the same time I was not noticing women who were signaling, "Hey, I'd love to hang out." It's like I had to strengthen my cue radar. Social life is so much easier when you can pay attention to how others react. 3
ChatroomHero Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 At the store if I am in line and an attractive women is in front of me or behind me and I can;t think of a better option, I just say I need to apologize in advance for making her late because any line I get in is destined to have some kind of major hold up. The thing is it's true and an unusual amount of the time 30 seconds later the cashier will need to do a price check or have to fight over some old lady's coupons. It's almost like clock work that it happens so when it does, it usually gets a laugh and additional chit chat. From there things will go naturally like if I have a lot of beer and chips it gets into the, "someone's having a party" convo where I can say yeah, grab a friend. I mean it's all off the cuff but that opener works and is pretty laid back. Thing is, I say it to really anyone and not just attractive women if I am stuck in line so it comes naturally. For the most part I don't comment on anyone's purchases to try to start a conversation, it seems a little forward to be checking out what people are buying. If you see she has a lot of wine and want to comment, whether you see them or not, she may have personal items in her cart so she might be a bit put off thinking you are scoping out her tampons. 1
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 I have been cold approached in the grocery store a few times...I didn't like it. Chatting in a line up anywhere is best IMO. You have to be a happy go lucky kinda person to make them comfortable enough to be open to conversation. It's all about your presence/vibe and not really so much what comes out of your mouth.
basil67 Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 The thing with supermarket cold approaches is that you may get someone like me or @K.K. or @preraph who will have a long and engaging chat, eye contact, holding up their end of the conversation with you, laughing together about something, the whole shebang. And then you ask her out and find that she's not interested. Rather, she was just an outgoing, friendly type. Can you deal with it without feeling somehow led on? I had such a long chat with a guy in the supermarket the other day that I thought we'd never get our shopping done. It all came about because I opened a door behind where he was squatting and warned him that I'd done so and not to accidentally back into it. He got up, complimented me for being kind enough to warn him and it went from there. 4
basil67 Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 5 minutes ago, smackie9 said: I have been cold approached in the grocery store a few times...I didn't like it. The grocery store approaches I've had have all been by guys who were clueless or creepy.
smackie9 Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 1 minute ago, basil67 said: The grocery store approaches I've had have all been by guys who were clueless or creepy. One time an attractive guy was making some serious eye contact with me in the store...he seemed to end up in the isle I was in. I just continued on and lost sight of him. As I was walking by the baby section, there he was pulling a box of diapers down off the top shelf, and he saw me as he was doing it lol. The look on his face hah! BUSTED you jerk! 1
preraph Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 We have a gourmet grocery store, and when it first opened it was like a singles meat market.. It was almost embarrassing to go there for food. Guys staring around corner scoping out women. I ran up on a hostile ex-employee of mind doing that. Pretty funny.
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