alex2020 Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 I am 32 years old and met this 26 year old female on tinder 1.5 years ago. She had just broken up from a 5 year relationship and just wanted to fool around with guys, which was perfect for me because I was not looking for anything serious either. Sex was amazing for both of us, but communication was problematic right from the start. She would answer my texts after 6 hours or the next day. She always seemed aloof and uninterested. Even though she treated me like she didn’t want to see me anymore, she would always get back to me and meet me once every 1 or 2 weeks just for sex (which as I said was awesome). The problem is I started to develop feelings for her, and at some point I realized that I had never loved someone so much. I know it sounds ridiculous but she was the only thing on my mind 24/7 and I was crying all day long. I had been in long term relationships in the past but I never knew what it actually meant to be in love until I met this special lady. At some point after one year of knowing each other, I took her out for a drink and told her how much in love with her I was all this time. She said “you should be really lonely, I feel sorry/pity for you”, and she disappeared. It was her choice to let me go so I did not contact her again, until 6 weeks after that, she sent me a text at 5am (probably drunk and horny) telling me that she’s thinking about me a lot and she wants to see me again etc. So now we’re seeing each other again once every month or so and just for sex. I still have the same feelings for her and I feel terrible/miserable every moment I am not with her. In other words, seeing her is not good for me! Any suggestions? Should I humiliate myself again by telling her how much in love with her I am? Should I pretend I’m cool and say nothing and wait to see what happens? Should I just leave her? But I can’t just leave her!!!
mortensorchid Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 This is the great contradiction in action : you both want a no strings attached relationship and yet you won't let go of one another. The best suggestion is to just close the book and move on. Isolation may not be the best for anyone but as I get older I realize the benefits of isolation. I get lonely from time to time myself which you sound like, but I have to accept that these days as the way it is. And do you want someone drunk dialing you at 5 am? Not really.
Legatus Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 Seems like you articulated yourself really well last time. I'm not going to question your feelings, even though it could be more of a obsession rather than love. I think you know that going back and forth with her, just for sex, will not end up the way you want it. Instead of telling her you love her, perhaps you can set some boundaries and say that you will see her but to go on a date, after which there will be no sex. Ask for it once. If she refuses then you know you will never get anywhere with this girl and she will string you along so that your obsession gets out of hand. If she surprises you and goes out with you, enjoy it, but don't succumb to her wishes. If you want more, make it a priority. If she can't give it to you, then she's not the girl for you... 1
kendahke Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 (edited) 23 minutes ago, alex2020 said: Any suggestions? Should I humiliate myself again by telling her how much in love with her I am? Should I pretend I’m cool and say nothing and wait to see what happens? Should I just leave her? But I can’t just leave her!!! If you can't leave her alone, then you're going to have to find a way to strangle these feelings of love you have for her--because she's shown you, told you and behaved in a clear way that she ain't that one for you. My suggestion is to quit having sex with her since you can't handle things once the fever breaks. Also, be truthful with yourself. You say you didn't want a strings attached relationship, but that's exactly what you have pursued with this chick. Letting her back in thinking that would make her change her mind is going to end up doing more damage to your psyche than just leaving her alone the first go round. Edited February 12, 2020 by kendahke 1
Miss Spider Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 35 minutes ago, alex2020 said:Should I humiliate myself again by telling her how much in love with her I am? Should I pretend I’m cool and say nothing and wait to see what happens? Should I just leave her? But I can’t just leave her!!! And why would you do that?? You already told her and she doesn’t feel the same. That won’t change anything. You need to cut her off and move on. Find someone who wants the same thing... 1
Author alex2020 Posted February 12, 2020 Author Posted February 12, 2020 31 minutes ago, Legatus said: Seems like you articulated yourself really well last time. I'm not going to question your feelings, even though it could be more of a obsession rather than love. I think you know that going back and forth with her, just for sex, will not end up the way you want it. Instead of telling her you love her, perhaps you can set some boundaries and say that you will see her but to go on a date, after which there will be no sex. Ask for it once. If she refuses then you know you will never get anywhere with this girl and she will string you along so that your obsession gets out of hand. If she surprises you and goes out with you, enjoy it, but don't succumb to her wishes. If you want more, make it a priority. If she can't give it to you, then she's not the girl for you... Thank you for your reply. And yes, you are right, I am obsessed and addicted to her. And it doesn't go away. Who knows how long it will take to get over her... I have met other girls in the meantime but it feels like nothing and she's always in my mind still. Anyway thanks again for your answers and for reading my story!
Legatus Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 The hardest part of the obsession is the emptiness that awaits once you break it. That's what holds people back from cutting the cord. But imagine yourself if you keep doing this for another year, two, five, or even ten. I am not even saying it will be with the same lass, very possible that this will become a habit. Think about all the downsides this can bring..It will be hard as hell to break it but in the end it's worth it.. 2
Mrin Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 Two things: 1. No, under no circumstances should you toss your guts back out on the table again with her. 2. I once was in your shoes as well. I was in my mid 20's. I had just broken up with a 4 year GF. I met this woman who was in one of my grad school classes. She wasn't all that attractive. But she had just gotten out of a divorce and wanted a lot of NSA sex. So we started having sex regularly. She was pretty good. We personified the FWB situation almost to an absurd degree. We created a Friends for Life set of rules one night when we were both really drunk. It was out of jest but it actually was something we started following. Sex continued. Communication was spotty but hey, we were just using each other for sex. One night she stood me up and my reaction was crazy over the top. I didn't let her see much but all of a sudden I needed this woman. Badly. It was almost like I got the feels for her - really intensely. It sent me into a tailspin for about a week. Then I popped out of it and saw what was going on - I couldn't handle rejection once I started sleeping with a woman. I mean, this was a woman that I probably wouldn't have even bothered giving a "hey, how you doin'" if I passed her in the super market. But for some reason I was totally wrapped around the axle about her. I realized that this was a glaring vulnerability for me. I worked on it and am still working on it. I won't lie to you, it is still a very big trigger for me but I have it much better under control now. Anyhow, I suggest that you work on this too. And perhaps realize that casual sex isn't for you. 3 1
Wanderlust2018 Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 I wouldn’t bring up the feelings again. I think you have two options here... Enjoy the relationship purely for what it is and nothing more, or move on (as hard as that may seem or be) and find someone who can love you back wholly and completely. I know for me, I’ve come to enjoy the “casual” type relationships. Sure, I’d love to meet my forever, but in the meantime, the occasional companionship with the ability to also have my solitude and come and go as I please is pretty nice.
preraph Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 And once again, the absurdly named friend with benefits ends up in unrequited love. It's just bad judgment all the way around. In my generation, the closest you came to this was an F buddy. They were someone you found attractive but in no way wanted to keep. Like one of mine was a rambunctious guy who was attractive and fun and extremely self-destructive and couldn't hold a job because of it. The other was and attractive and creative guy I did date him after knowing him for a while as an acquaintance and then we hit the wall dating. He didn't seem to have much on his mind and I just got tired of being around him because we ran out of things to talk about. And he was one of those bad alcoholics that you can't even tell are drunk but drink all the time. But in the future if we saw each other out and had nothing else to do we might go home together. In neither case did we keep in touch once the relationship was reduced to F buddy. It was just a matter of if we saw each other out and had nothing better to do. There was no heartbreak involved. You have to try to be rational enough to realize that you shouldn't be heartbroken over someone who is clearly not a match for you. Since you clearly want to be in love you need to stop wasting your time and date women who are ready for a relationship. Good luck. 1 1
mark clemson Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 (edited) 2 hours ago, alex2020 said: I know it sounds ridiculous but she was the only thing on my mind 24/7 and I was crying all day long. I had been in long term relationships in the past but I never knew what it actually meant to be in love until I met this special lady. So now we’re seeing each other again once every month or so and just for sex. I still have the same feelings for her and I feel terrible/miserable every moment I am not with her. In other words, seeing her is not good for me! It very much sounds like you have developed limerence for her. Strongly suggest you research this a bit, e.g. on Wikipedia so you understand what you're going through a bit better. 2 hours ago, alex2020 said: ...6 weeks after that, she sent me a text at 5am ... telling me that she’s thinking about me a lot and she wants to see me again etc. So now we’re seeing each other again once every month or so and just for sex. It very much sounds like she has avoidant attachment. You might consider doing some internet research on how this plays out in relationships (not parent/child relations). 2 hours ago, alex2020 said: Any suggestions? Should I humiliate myself again by telling her how much in love with her I am? Should I pretend I’m cool and say nothing and wait to see what happens? Should I just leave her? But I can’t just leave her!!! So, limerence paired with avoidant attachment is not a good combo (as you're experiencing). You want her every waking moment. She wants you "safely at arms length". It's not your fault, it's how she is. She'll probably treat her future husband (if she even has one) much the same way. Limerence is, in part, a brain chemistry thing and for most people has a finite duration (1-3 years). So, whatever happens between you and her, the overwhelming intensity of feelings is likely to fade sooner or later. Good news for you as you won't be in mind**** torture land forever. I can see how sex with someone you have limerence for would be awesome indeed. However, you're paying for it the rest of the time. To your question above, in all probability it really doesn't matter what you do - play it cool or wear your heart on your sleeve. Her attachment style issue is about her, not about you. My belief is nothing you do will change it. Therapy might change her (or at least make her more aware of it) but she's unlikely to see a need for it. From her perspective - she is how she is, why should she change? So next steps are up to you, but I hope the above helps with some insight into the situation (assuming I'm correct about these things). Final thought: Limerence is rare for the vast majority of people. It tends to be triggered by "distance" or problems in a relationship - in your case, her avoidant attachment style. Also, your brain chemistry changes, somewhat like drug tolerance, so you won't feel it as strongly at some point. So, assuming you move on to a new gal some day, it's not reasonable to expect that she make you feel like this (to the same over-the-top extent) again. Hopefully, you have a nice normal healthy relationship with any new woman, which can be wonderful in it's own right without all the obsessing and crying, etc. Edited February 12, 2020 by mark clemson 2
Ellener Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 There's no such thing as 'casual sex'. Control/Alt/Delete...avoid in future.
d0nnivain Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 This won't end well for you. By definition when the feelings show up in what should be a casual, emotionless physical arrangement, the sex has to stop. You can only get hurt but sticking around. 1
Author alex2020 Posted February 13, 2020 Author Posted February 13, 2020 17 hours ago, mark clemson said: It very much sounds like you have developed limerence for her. Strongly suggest you research this a bit, e.g. on Wikipedia so you understand what you're going through a bit better. It very much sounds like she has avoidant attachment. You might consider doing some internet research on how this plays out in relationships (not parent/child relations). So, limerence paired with avoidant attachment is not a good combo (as you're experiencing). You want her every waking moment. She wants you "safely at arms length". It's not your fault, it's how she is. She'll probably treat her future husband (if she even has one) much the same way. Limerence is, in part, a brain chemistry thing and for most people has a finite duration (1-3 years). So, whatever happens between you and her, the overwhelming intensity of feelings is likely to fade sooner or later. Good news for you as you won't be in mind**** torture land forever. I can see how sex with someone you have limerence for would be awesome indeed. However, you're paying for it the rest of the time. To your question above, in all probability it really doesn't matter what you do - play it cool or wear your heart on your sleeve. Her attachment style issue is about her, not about you. My belief is nothing you do will change it. Therapy might change her (or at least make her more aware of it) but she's unlikely to see a need for it. From her perspective - she is how she is, why should she change? So next steps are up to you, but I hope the above helps with some insight into the situation (assuming I'm correct about these things). Final thought: Limerence is rare for the vast majority of people. It tends to be triggered by "distance" or problems in a relationship - in your case, her avoidant attachment style. Also, your brain chemistry changes, somewhat like drug tolerance, so you won't feel it as strongly at some point. So, assuming you move on to a new gal some day, it's not reasonable to expect that she make you feel like this (to the same over-the-top extent) again. Hopefully, you have a nice normal healthy relationship with any new woman, which can be wonderful in it's own right without all the obsessing and crying, etc. Hey, thanks for your input! That's an interesting approach. And yes you're right, limerence it is! 1
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 21 hours ago, alex2020 said: I am 32 years old and met this 26 year old female on tinder 1.5 years ago. She had just broken up from a 5 year relationship and just wanted to fool around with guys, which was perfect for me because I was not looking for anything serious either. Sex was amazing for both of us, but communication was problematic right from the start. She would answer my texts after 6 hours or the next day. She always seemed aloof and uninterested. Even though she treated me like she didn’t want to see me anymore, she would always get back to me and meet me once every 1 or 2 weeks just for sex (which as I said was awesome). The problem is I started to develop feelings for her, and at some point I realized that I had never loved someone so much. I know it sounds ridiculous but she was the only thing on my mind 24/7 and I was crying all day long. I had been in long term relationships in the past but I never knew what it actually meant to be in love until I met this special lady. At some point after one year of knowing each other, I took her out for a drink and told her how much in love with her I was all this time. She said “you should be really lonely, I feel sorry/pity for you”, and she disappeared. It was her choice to let me go so I did not contact her again, until 6 weeks after that, she sent me a text at 5am (probably drunk and horny) telling me that she’s thinking about me a lot and she wants to see me again etc. So now we’re seeing each other again once every month or so and just for sex. I still have the same feelings for her and I feel terrible/miserable every moment I am not with her. In other words, seeing her is not good for me! Any suggestions? Should I humiliate myself again by telling her how much in love with her I am? Should I pretend I’m cool and say nothing and wait to see what happens? Should I just leave her? But I can’t just leave her!!! If you really feel miserable about the current arrangement, tell her you want more, if not, end it. Simple. I don't doubt that she has other FWBs to meet her needs when you are not around or she is still in contact with her ex trying to figure things out.
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