Rudytwo Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 I've been dating my girlfriend for 4 months. We live in different cities but see each other every weekend. Things were going really well until three weeks ago. My sister attempted suicide, and as you can imagine this has hit me hard. I haven't been myself since, and am aware I have been more stressed and anxious because of it. My girlfriend does not want to discuss this with me, instead she is complaining that things feel 'weird' between us and is withdrawing affection. I've talked to her about this, and she won't give me any reason why she is acting cold towards me other than 'things feel different now'. She also accused me of making her feel that she is 'not allowed to have negative feelings' which is not what I meant or said. Ironically, that is how she has made me feel. I've been there for her when she's had emotional difficulties, but she does not seem willing to talk to me or even acknowledge that I'm going through something very difficult. It feels like all it took for her to lose interest in me was seeing me struggle with a very traumatic and stressful event. I want to give this a chance, but am very very close to ending things with her over this. Any advice on what I can do to try and get things on track?
schlumpy Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 Some people handle real life very well and others don't with your GF being in the later category. You could give her a pass. Only four months in, you can't expect her to do much more then say I'm sorry. Does she know your sister well enough to be alarmed at her actions other then in a general manner? You don't know enough about her to understand her reaction. Is there something in her past that is making her avoidant? It doesn't matter. You want her to act a certain way and she won't. No compromise on the horizon so let her go. 1
Blind-Sided Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 Yep... that's a tough one. It's a short time for such a serious issue. As above, maybe give her a pass... but, she should still not be making things worse for you. All I can say is, sorry for what you are going through, and I hope your sister get's the help she needs. 2
chillii Posted February 12, 2020 Posted February 12, 2020 Depends on the couple as far as time goes, l think that's plenty long enough for her to give you real support as you have for her from what you say. lf l'd been seeing and sleeping with someone 4mths she would have been showing her worth long ago or l wouldn't be with her in the first place. She sounds very self centered and shallow l'm sorry and tbh . what sort of a future partner is she going to make then 2
Saracena Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 11 hours ago, chillii said: She sounds very self centered and shallow l'm sorry and tbh . what sort of a future partner is she going to make then Totally agree. I'd go one step further and say she sounds awful. Her reaction sent shivers down my spine to be honest. Have you noticed any other examples of this cold behaviour from her before? Her seemingly unsympathetic nature is worrying to be honest and I'd most certainly be walking, I'm afraid. 2
K.K. Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 1 minute ago, Saracena said: Totally agree. I'd go one step further and say she sounds awful. Her reaction sent shivers down my spine to be honest. Have you noticed any other examples of this cold behaviour from her before? Her seemingly unsympathetic nature is worrying to be honest and I'd most certainly be walking, I'm afraid. Me too! Awful!! In what universe is it ever ok to take the near suicide of your boyfriends sister and make it all about you and how his sadness and concern for her makes youuuu feel ! And don’t forget to deprive him of comfort and sex too while you’re at it! WTF !!! ( I’m so sorry about your sister, op!) 4
Gr8fuln2020 Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 I will agree with those who recognize that people respond differently from adversity. We all have heard of husbands/wives who leave their spouses because of a traumatic illness instead of staying on as support, etc. It happens all the time. BUT, you have only known her for 4-months. You don't really know her that well and your support of her issues may not be as involved as the way you are responding/reacting to your sister's attempt. In other words, I am not certain how this has affected you and how you treat your gf as a result. Just as some people are not as supportive, some people who are in the midst of adversity, can also become rather unwelcoming, dismissive, mean, grumpy, etc. I don't know, based on your post, whether she became less interested or started off this way. I am sorry for what your sister is going through. I hope she is getting the help and support she needs. 1
kendahke Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 (edited) I am so very sorry. It's inconceivable what you are dealing with and I hope you have a wide range of supportive people around you at this time and times to come. On 2/12/2020 at 6:12 AM, Rudytwo said: I've been dating my girlfriend for 4 months. re: your girlfriend: You are right smack dab at the point where the "on their best behavior" representatives are being dismissed and the real you/real her have come to the fore. The real her isn't capable of showing/demonstrating empathy to the guy she's involved with. This is who she is. This is the kind of person she really is, not the version that she's been showing you to get you into the relationship. I'd tell her how her coldness has made you feel and then break up with her. It really doesn't take a whole overhaul of one's personality to show compassion for someone you're supposed to care about who is struggling with a very severe shock like this. It says a lot about how selfish, self-centered and self absorbed she is and your being able to process this and move forward is dependent upon not having people like that near you. Quote I want to give this a chance, but am very very close to ending things with her over this. Don't waste your time. She will do what she needs to do to get over on you and then revert right back to being the only thing she can be (and who you're now witnessing): herself. Edited February 13, 2020 by kendahke 2
CAPSLOCK BANDIT Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 Without compromise, its already over... She wants it one way and because she isn't getting her way, she feels no need to support you emotionally. This is common in newish relationships and its an indication that the "Honey Moon Period" is over.
preraph Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 Had your sister been threatening suicide before this? 1
Gaeta Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 I am sorry for what happened with your sister. I am very close to my siblings and if something like that were to happen I'd be devastated and so worried. What you see is what you get, this is not the type of person I'd want as a partner. A few years ago my ex-husband died (father of my daughter) and I had been dating someone new for 3 weeks when it happened. Even at 3 weeks dating this man was able to offer me understanding, support and empathy. I did not used him as a shoulder to cry on we had not been dating long enough but still, he offered me more respect at 3 weeks than your girlfriend at 4 months. 2
Hopeful30 Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 You have to understand that suicide attempts are scary for some people. These events have ripple effects across everyone involved. It's possible she's not ready to be involved with a family experiencing these kinds of concerns. Don't blame her for this. We must be true to ourselves and act according to how we really feel in every situation. If she cannot offer support, that is your sign to look for it elsewhere during these times. On a personal note, I am sending lots of love and support to your family during this time. May she rise above her difficulties and find her light
smackie9 Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 Since she has emotional difficulties she probably doesn't have the mental capacity of being emotionally supportive to others. This is your big red flag. I doubt the reason is that she "isn't ready" to be this deep with you or get involved. Even a total stranger can be caring and supportive to someone in distress. You don't need to be dealing with this crap with your gf. IMO She's very thoughtless and selfish. I hope your sister is doing OK, and your family has rallied together to help. I suggest you seek out some counseling for yourself. You shouldn't have to carry all this all on your own.
Lotsgoingon Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 Unless you have been a total jerk to her (calling her mean unforgivable names) during this time, then her behavior is despicable. Well ... she sounds narcissistic and shallow, emotionally hollow. Four months in is plenty of time to be able to offer some support to a partner going through what you're going through. Sometimes you have to spell out to people exactly what you need. You probably just need to talk about your sister ... and her situation ... and you just need her to sit with you, be quiet, hug you ... rub your shoulder. If she can't do that, then dump her.
thefooloftheyear Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 You only know her 4 months...not 4 years....I don't know if she was ready to hold your hand on this...Not to minimize it, but that's probably what its about... Women want to see strength in their men...Physically, emotionally, etc......At this stage she is sizing you up still...Like I stated earlier, if you knew her better and she the same, the circumstances would likely be different...and I would be less tolerant of how she is handling it... Me personally? I wouldn't have unloaded on her with this or expected her to be a shoulder to cry on...That doesn't mean you don't have the right to be upset, but perhaps you shouldn't have asked that she be the one to prop you up....Its too early and she may be thinking you are too weak to be a long term prospect... TFY
d0nnivain Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 I hope your sister is OK. As for whatever "weirdness" your GF may have been sensing from you, she needed to give you a pass because OMG your world was shaken to the core. No matter what she was feeling from you she needed to keep her reaction to it to herself not give you more grief because she isn't getting enough of something. It's not about her. She is allowed to feel negatively about this. She is allowed to not want to support you. What I don't understand in here is why you want to maintain a relationship with somebody who is so unsupportive when you need her the most? 6 weeks after I met the man who is now my husband my EX committed suicide. It really shook me. He & I had been apart for about a year at that point. We had dated for about 2 but I'd known him & his whole family for about 20 years at that point. My husband was my rock. He supported me. He let me cry on his shoulder. Frankly how amazing he was when that happened was a big part of why I initially fell in love with him. Your GF did none of that. So . . .why do you want to continue with her? It's only been 4 months / 120 days. 2
rjc149 Posted February 13, 2020 Posted February 13, 2020 OP, are you certain it’s the traumatic event that pushed her away? Or maybe her overall decline in feelings and interest in your relationship simply coincided with this event? Is it possible that maybe you were being a little too reliant on her for emotional support at a relatively early stage of your relationship, and your neediness pushed her away? On your weekends together, who is the one making the trip? Is it 50/50 or mainly you going to her? 1
fly_again Posted February 14, 2020 Posted February 14, 2020 There are two main responses as I can see, the ones who think she has narc traits and her reaction is disgusting, and the ones who think you're only together for 4 months so you can't expect much help from her. I think both sides have their points - you're expecting too much and probably overwhelming her (not because you're only together for a short time), but her reaction is more than weird. The communication between you seems terrible - she doesn't want to talk about the problems and when you have a hard time like this, she only thinks about herself and how she feels right now ('things feel different'). You're not even in the picture, her problem is that you can't provide the things she needs, so probably that's why she started to act cold. We don't have a lot of information but it doesn't look like a healthy relationship - both of you have their own inner problems which need to be worked on.
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