How to ask someone to move out

[hew]

Hi all,

I’ve been living with my boyfriend for a year and a half now, and i have lived In the apartment for almost 6 years now. The unit we live in is owned by my parents and we rent from them. 
 

The issue I’m having is that I don’t want to be In a relationship with him anymore. I’m not in love, but the thought of losing the companionship and routine with this person is scary. We have a cat together and I have never had an animal with a partner before. We have had her for almost a year now and Initially I wanted her for my mental health as I suffer with cptsd. 
 

My parents eventually want to sell the condo, and when I move I know it’s going to be on my own. I’m currently in the process of saving up for 3 months worth of rent for my new potential place in the next few months. However I am realizing that i think I want to spend the last bit of my time here on my own, working hard and focusing on moving forward with my own life. 
 

I did talk to him a couple weeks ago about all this, however the conversation became heavy and emotional and I felt bad about asking him to leave. He doesn’t really have anywhere to go and isn’t close with his family. I know that he would need time to find something and that’s fine. I care and love him very much and he’s a very good friend and person to me. In the conversation we both agreed we’re not in love with each other, but somehow we agreed to keep trying. I know I need to rip the bandaid off soon somehow. 
 
for slightly more context, we haven’t had sex in over 6 months. He works overnights and I work in the day. So I sleep in the bed at night and he ends up passing out on the couch most times anyways while I’m gone all day at work. Quite frankly for two people who have become look roommates that schedule works, as I enjoy sleeping alone. Even on his two nights off he usually still is on his work schedule. 
 

we peck on the lips and say “love you” out of habit. But I’m starting to get uncomfortable with it. It will be hard to reclaim the space as my own and even thought I’m not in love anymore, I’ll still miss where this person was and my time spent with them. 
 

has anyone been in a similar situation? How did you cope and manage living with them still while they find a place. He also doesn’t drive so I might have to help him look. It’s not that we will argue and fight. Cause we rarely do, it will just be a sad and maybe awkward period. I’m a sensitive person and i care about his well being and I wouldn’t want him to feel kicked out. 
 

this just sucks and i don’t know how to be strong right now. Thank you to anyone who has taken the time to read this. 
 

 

[d0nnivain]

You have to strike a balance between being forceful & compassionate.  Treat it more like a business arrangement.  

You say to him that you aren't in love & think it is time for the relationship to end.  You tell him he has 30 days to move out or that he has to move out by a certain date.  I'd probably err on the side of generous if there is no bad blood & say he has to be out by March 31, the end of next month.  

As much as I loved our shared dog when I asked an EX to move out I offered to let him take the dog IF he could prove to me that he had a suitable place to go with the dog & could care for it. One of the issues that caused our break up was money so he ended up not taking the dog because he realized he could not afford to feed the dog or to pay vet bills; the dog had expensive medical issues.  My point is to soften the blow perhaps offer him the cat.  

You may also have to add moving costs as an incentive to get him out.  I did this with that EX & it was some of the best money I ever spent because he was gone.  

This stuff isn't easy.  It's painful & emotional.  Treat him the way you would want to be treated if the roles were reversed.  

[hew]

My cat will for sure stay with me. He agreed on that before already. 

[K.K.]

Yes, I have. I said “We no good no mo. Get yo s*** and don’t let the door hit you in the ass.” 

He refused so I got a friend of mine to ‘convince’ him. Helps to have friends in low places. 🙂 

Never get a pet with a boyfriend. I once drove 90 miles an hour back and forth for 30 miles twice on I-95 when one of my exes took off with the cat in his truck. Poor cat. I made sure I gave him extra treats when I got him home. 🙂 

[Happy Lemming]

26 minutes ago, K.K. said:

Never get a pet with a boyfriend. I once drove 90 miles an hour back and forth for 30 miles twice on I-95 when one of my exes took off with the cat in his truck. Poor cat. I made sure I gave him extra treats when I got him home. 🙂 

Or worse is when an ex leaves and doesn't take their cat with them. A very long time ago, I lived with a woman and we parted ways. She said her new place didn't allow pets. That evil cat hated me to begin with.  Things between me and "Vivian the cat" continued to get worse and worse.  I tried... but that was one evil cat.  I starting asking around at work & I was so thankful a female co-worker took that feline off my hands. 

That was one man hating cat!! 

[snowboy91]

If you've discussed trying to continue the relationship and nothing has changed, and you've already checked out, there isn't any point in delaying the inevitable. So say so, and explicitly say that you're breaking up with him.

I see that you also understand that he hasn't really got anywhere else to go, and he'll need to find a place on his own. He can't do so immediately, so give him a time frame (say 30 days, or to the end of March or something) to get all his stuff out. If you have somewhere else to stay in the meantime that may also help. If you feel up to it, offer to help with the move (either help pay for removalists or physically help with the actual moving). 

[Happy Lemming]

On 2/11/2020 at 5:34 PM, hew said:

However I am realizing that i think I want to spend the last bit of my time here on my own...

Do you have any mutual friends that he could go stay with??

The reason I ask is... A while ago, my best (male) friend was living with this woman (his house).  I knew her and she was a nice enough person.  Well he calls me up all upset at his girlfriend and wants to throw her out.  Initially, I thought he was just venting, but the more I listened to him, the more I knew that the situation was going to escalate to violence.  I didn't want to see him hauled off to jail.  So I asked to speak with his girlfriend.  She had no money (until pay day), no place to go and was getting scared of him and at the prospect of living in her SUV. (For the record, I do think my male friend was being a butt-head and unreasonable)

At that time, I was finishing up a fairly large house that had an in-law suite.  Basically, its an apartment within a house without an outside entrance.  This one had a bedroom, bathroom, small living room, and small kitchenette.  I told her she could stay in my in-law suite for a couple of weeks until she gathered up some money to get an apartment.

So, between my truck and her SUV we loaded up her belongings and she stayed in that in-law suite for about 6 weeks, then I helped her move to an apartment.